Briar-22 Grey/Atti-19 Mariah-16
Mariah Styles
When I was nine, I kissed a boy under the playground slide. It was a dare and his name was Tommy.
It was a peck, nothing intimate and just really quick. I remember pinching my eyes shut and puckering my lips, my knees digging into the warm stand.
I remembered how much he blushed after, a big smile on his face while his friends cheered. I remember feeling embarrassed but smiled. There wasn't anything special to me about it, it was just a kiss. I wondered if I was suppose to feel something or not like he did.
When I was twelve, I remember all my friends were gathered around at a sleepover. There was about six of us all in our pyjamas, all huddled around the phone and prank calling the boys they liked in class. I would be the one dialling the numbers for them, orchestrating the pranks because that was always my thing. I was the girl in the group that was in charge of all the mischievous things that got us in trouble. I remember how much they giggled and how their cheeks would burn when we called Skylar, Aaron, Jonathan, Gabriel.
"What about you Mariah, who do you have a crush on?" Vienna would ask me.
"Mmm." I shrugged with the phone in my hand. "No one really."
"Oh c'mon, has to be someone." She pushed.
I remember diving my memory hard to think of any boy I had a thing for, but no. I didn't have any one in mind, but I had to say someone. It was weird if I didn't.
"Matthew maybe." I shrugged.
They squealed at the idea, dialling up his number as quickly as they could in excitement.
When I was fifteen, Matthew asked me out on a date. It was in chemistry class, and we were lab partners. He was very nervous to ask me, I could tell. I've known him for so long, I knew he had a crush on me even way before he acted on it. I never really thought of Matthew in that sort of way, but I agreed.
After all, I was a teenage girl. Going on dates is what your suppose to do in high school right? That's what all my friends were doing. Lacie was always talking about boys and such, it just felt like it was my turn now.
We went for ice cream, a movie, and the park. Our conversation was just like any other, but he was really kind to me. I remember sitting in the grass with him in the park, staring at him as he stared at the lake. He had golden blonde hair, a sharp jaw, and big blue eyes. He was an attractive guy with a boyish charm, so why I didn't feel the spark?
But like usual, I continued to see the relationship through because I thought that it was what I needed to do. You can't just have a connection with someone over night, maybe I needed time to find that spark between us.
So we went on more dates, more ice cream, more movies, more dinners. This went on for a couple months until he asked me to be his girlfriend.
I said yes.
When I was sixteen he took his parents car and we drove out to a cheesy lookout point. I remember how he picked the perfect soft radio station, packed the perfect snacks, and pulled the perfect moves on me. I remember how bright the moon was as I was straddling his lap, kissing him in desperate need to feel the emotion everyone so badly talked about.
I thought that the minute things got intimate between us, I would feel it. He's done everything right to that point, so why wasn't I feeling that spark still?
"God Mariah." He kissed my neck while gripping my hips, the vehicle windows starting to fog. I remember gripping the back of my head while staring out at the back of the car, numb.
My body was physically reacting to him, aching in certain places like the human body does when someone kissed and gripped them in certain spots. But my heart wasn't in it even though I so badly wanted to be. I've done everything at this point besides sleeping with my boyfriend, how was I not feeling the spark.
I felt bad when I hopped off of him in the car and immediately asked for him to take me home. He was instantly concerned, worried he did something wrong. He did nothing wrong, I just needed to go home.
I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, why I couldn't feel a human intimate connection with someone. Was I a sociopath? I couldn't be, I know what love feels like. But the only with my family.
I wanted to be in love.
Then I started realizing I just wasn't attracted to Matthew like I kept telling myself to be. He was a handsome boy but something I didn't think about late at night in my bed or get excited for. I just wasn't attracted to him, but I wasn't attracted to any boy that came my way.
"Maybe you just like older guys." Lacie said to me with a shrug, but deep down I don't think that was it.
I broke up with Matthew without giving him the explanations he deserved, I felt bad. I did it quick outside his locker at school, he was crushed. I never wanted to hurt him, but I couldn't go on with his feelings if I didn't feel the same way for him.
He asked to switch lab partners, it was understandable. I didn't expect him to wanna be around me everyday like that after I broke his heart. So I got switched to a girl named Payton.
She was new as of last year, a quiet girl who didn't know many people. We became instant friends in the class which was an upside. Considering we were lab partners we had to spend a lot of time together. She came over to my house a lot and I went over to hers too. She was an only child so her house was a lot quiet then mine on a regular basis.
She was really pretty, that type of pretty that made you want to start making yourself more presentable. She was one of those natural soft beautiful, blue eyes, blonde hair, full lips, everything. She always was dressed very stylish and her nails were always painted a sky blue. Her music taste was very broad, she really liked The Neighborhood and the Arctic Monkeys.
I remember watching her study one time, her sitting in my bed with her pencil in between her lips. She was really good and concentrating, she could work for hours without saying a word.
But when she did talk, she really got you to talk about your feelings. She was naturally therapeutic and I needed people like that in my life. Lacie was different, I don't know how but she was. Lacie will always be my best friend and the girl I'd go to for anything, but having Payton around was nice.
I remember sitting next to her on my bed as we watched a movie, both of us sitting up against the wall and watching my laptop screen. The room was very dark, only light was from movie itself. When she's get tired, she's bring her arms to her chest and start slouching against me. She never stayed awake for a whole movie, even horror.
She would eventually fall asleep practically laying in my lap as I was scared to move. Her hands would be between my legs and her cheek as a barrier, her full lips just lightly parted. I remember watching her sleeping on me, wondering why I was so captivated by it.
Payton and I started spending more and more toke together, even when classes ended. She would come over a lot and hang out with both Lacie and I. Lacie felt a little jealous when she was around, but I assured her many times that my friendship with Payton is different then the one with hers.
"How?" She asked.
"I don't know, just is."
When Payton would sleep over she always wore the same pair of blue pyjamas shirts and a black tank top. I was more of a giant baggy t-shirt kind of sleeper. We would share my twin bed where she always slept facing me. Usually people sleep away from each other.
One Saturday night we snuck a little bit of vodka up into my room, stealing it from Grey while he was at a weekend swim meet. With no one home we sat in my bedroom swigging the harsh liquid until we couldn't see clearly. I remember laughing so hard, I remember seeing doubles, I remember Payton nearly tripping on her feet when she went to grab the phone charger, I remember her head laying in my lap, I remember running the blonde hair back out of her face, I remember thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about, I remember staring down at her with a carnival going on in my mind.
"What's wrong?" She sat up from my lap and noticed my off stare into her intoxicated eyes.
I continued to stare at her, analyzing her face with my clouded mind and worrisome thoughts. Her cheeks were red from the alcohol, her pink lips parted and moist.
"Mariah." She grabbed my hands to get me to answer her. "You're worrying me."
I didn't know what to say, because my thoughts were taking me into uncharted territory. I was hoping it was the alcohol, but I wanted to do things I should be wanting to do with her.
"I'm just a little lost." I murmured to myself, shaking my head and tucking the hair behind my ears.
"Lost?" She questioned what I didn't have an answer for.
"With you Payton." My drunkness spoke words I would never say in sobriety.
She froze and stared at me with an expression I couldn't read. I was leaned against the wall on my bed, her sitting on her knees facing me.
I wasn't in the right state of mind to further explain, all I said was that.
She stared down at her lap and twiddled her thumbs, long blonde hair hanging down.
"I've always been confused." She whispers to my surprise.
She looks up and meets my intoxicated eyes, her looking so blue in this light. She sat there staring at me on her knees, skin drained of colour besides her cheeks. She slowly leaned closer to me, I stopped breathing.
"Payt-"
"Shh... I'm just trying something." She whispered as she got closer, my chest getting tight and my mouth running dry.
She got so close to me, our noses almost touching. She placed her hand on my bare thigh, making my stomach jump. My breathing was shallow and my heart couldn't stop racing to have her this close.
I looked down at her parted plump lips, smelling the scent of alcohol on them. She was looking at mine too, staying still in front of me.
She kissed me.
I froze as her lips pressed to mine, my eyes widening as he plump lips stayed frozen against me. It only lasted for a second before she pulled back and looked at me.
We stared at each other, my lips parted in shock.
I grabbed her cheeks and smaller our lips together, taking her breath away as she immediately kissed me back. She held my cheeks as I held hers, our lips nodding together for the first time.
We fell back on my bed, her on top of me as we kissed so hungrily first the first time. My chest was rising and falling, my mind dizzy of intimacy that I've never experienced. Our tongues reaches out for each other, the taste of liquor on both of our lips.
I felt this exciting feeling deep within me, a spark in my blood that made me whimper into her lips. I flipped us over so I was on top, her legs wrapping around me while my hand gripped her hip.
I remember how intoxicated I was, but also remembered how right this felt. For the first time I got that spark in me from someone, and it was a girl.
What did this mean?
I remember we kissed for hours that night until we got tired. I remember how I never wanted to stop, that kissing her felt so right in the craziest ways. Although it felt right, I was terrified of what I was doing.
But we didn't stop. Payton was coming over all the time and I was going to her house. We didn't talk about what this meant, but I don't think we needed to. All we knew was we didn't want to stop and we had to keep it a secret.
I remember how risky we were, sneaking around when my family was home. No one ever suspected anything because she was a girl, so I was allowed to have my door shut.
One night we went to a park late at night, sitting on a blanket alone in a secluded place. We made out under the stars before she started undoing my pants, my stomach twisting as we took things further then just innocent kissing. I remember how good she made me feel, I remember experiencing what total euphoria felt like and returning the favour after. In that moment I knew things weren't going to be the same in my life anymore and I had to come to terms with it.
I didn't want to tell anybody, she didn't either. She knew her parent wouldn't be okay with her choices, and I was just scared to tell mine. Because once I admit what I was doing, everything became a reality. I didn't want to tell my siblings or anyone, not even Lacie.
So now here I was, kissing Payton with her cherry lipgloss. She was beneath me on all our school work we never could concentrate on now when together. No one was home besides my dad, so we used it to our opportunity.
I slipped my tongue in between her lips as she held my hips. She rolled our hips together through our jeans, my stomach twisting in excitement. She smelled of vanilla and tasted of her lipgloss, a usual taste for her.
"Mariah, did you want to-"
I shot my head up from Payton, shooting my head to the door and seeing my father standing there in the doorway, halting his words.
He froze his his tracks as the cold rush flew threw me in terror, my body flying off of Payton as she shot up straight. My stomach twisted in absolute startle and fear, not believing this was real.
"Dad-" I spoke before he just shut the door.
I looked at Payton who had a nervous look on her pink cheeks, looking just as thrown off as me. My heart started to race as I sprinted to the door with shaky hands. This wasn't suppose to happen, no one was suppose to know about this.
I flew the door open into the empty hallway, seeing he was no where to be seen. I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat, I was choking.
I ran down the stairs, sweat taking over my body as I made a straight run towards the kitchen. I couldn't keep my mind in order, I wanted to cry I was so upset about all of this. My nerves were shot.
I ran into the kitchen to see him standing tall by the sink, his back to me and looking out the window. I couldn't see his face as I froze in my tracks. My hands were shaking my mind clouded. My throat was aching.
"D-dad." I stammered and my voice was weak of misery.
He didn't say anything, he just stayed staring out the window. I was so scared what he was thinking, what he thought of me.
"How long have you known?" He spoke while keeping his back to me.
I froze while taking in his quiet words.
"I-I don't know what I know." I shake my head.
He turned around so I could see his unreadable face. "How long have you been seeing Payton as more then a friend Mariah." He then asked with a straight face.
I swallowed the painful lump, gripping the hem of my shirt. I looked down at the ground, shaking.
"A month now." I whispered, feeling like a let down.
There was silence before he spoke, I couldn't bare to look at his face. "A month and you don't know what you know?"
I shake my head.
"Or you don't want to admit what you know?" He says in a way that hit me deep in my heart, tears starting to welt my eyes. I stayed staring at my feet, shaking my head to myself as a tear dropped on the ground.
I didn't even notice he was in front of me until he grabbed my face and pulled it up to look at him. My face ran hot of fear in his eyes and how they would look at me. I felt this pit of dismay in my gut, regret of doing any of this because now my father knew and he was going to look at me in a whole different light.
"I'm going to ask you one question, all you have to do is say yes or no." He spoke quietly while making me look at him. I pinched my eyes shut, begging it wasn't the question I thought it was.
"Mariah, do you like girls rather then boys?" He asked exactly what I thought.
I froze as those words have never been spoken out loud to me, but have crossed my mind thousands of times. I stared up at him with the tears barreling down my cheeks and on his hands as he desperately awaited for an answer. I didn't want to say it out loud.
"Answer me." He repressed as I just shut my eyes and cried. I couldn't hold back as I just choked on my emotion while he held my face to look at him.
"Say it to me." He said as I cried.
I gripped his wrists as I couldn't think clearly, my emotions over the edge as I was breaking down. None of this felt real, if was my own personal hell. I prayed I was asleep, that any moment I'd wake up and none of this had happened. I was so lost with myself, and now my father was lost with me.
"Just say it." He wasn't backing down, wanting me to say the words I was so terrified to admit too. I couldn't stop crying, terrified of what he'd say. I opened my blurry eyes and stared into his, seeing how his tear ducts were lined red.
"I'm gay dad." I admitted for the first time in my life.
His eyes softened like he didn't already know what this conversation was about. He held me cheeks and stared at me silently, my vulnerability thrown on the table. I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer before started balling again.
The words sounded so foreign from my mouth, even though the word gay has been revolving through my mind for a long time in my life. I never thought when I watched the heartfelt drama series and movies that I'd be the kid coming out.
Now I didn't know what he would say next, I was terrified that this would change our relationship somehow.
But when I met his chest and his arms wrapped around me, it wasn't what I expected. I cried so terribly into his shirt as he placed his hand on the back of my head and rubbed his thumb in circles.
"I know you are baby." He whispered softly, making my tense body relax but the tears never stopping.
I wrapped my arms up to his back, gripping his shirt so hard with no intentions of letting go. He held me tight, rubbing the back of my head and admitting he knew what I didn't all this time. I was scared for nothing.
"I wish you told me sooner, that's all." He whispered above my head, holding me close so I never had to let go.
I cried into his chest, relieved he wasn't ashamed of me, but still not completely okay with myself. I didn't know why I expected him to react bad, I think it's just because I was hating myself for being like this.
"I don't w-want to be like this." I cried.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of love." He told me things I really need to hear.
I looked up at him through my tears, trying to find the reassurance in his words.
"You don't think theres something wr-wrong with me?" I whisper.
He shook his head. "Never, why would you think that? Have I given you the impression I'm homophobic or something?" He looks at me in concern.
"Never, I just know how much of a curveball it is. If I'm gay, that changes so many things."
"Like what? That you'll stand at an alter with a woman rather then a man? Or that if you want children you'll need to adopt? Baby these are big things, but nothing that would change your life or anyone else for the worse." He held my cheeks again, talking me down from my breakdown.
I stared up at him and cried some more, my emotions on full throttle.
"Shh shh." He hushes while holding my face still. "It's a good thing sweetheart. You're finally accepting who you are." He nodded with a smile, my hands on his wrists again.
"You really think that?"
"I know that, it kills me to think you thought any other way. You can love whoever you want to love, that has nothing to do with anyone but yourself. Love is such a scary thing to begin with and without it I wouldn't have any of you kids here to this day. My only hope for all of you was you all knew how to accept the love you deserve and also know how to give it-two things I never knew of for most of my own life." He started to get watery around his own eyes, telling me such perfect things that didn't make me feel like the let down I thought I was.
I shut my eyes again to where he kissed my forehead, hugging me again tightly. I felt so secure in this moment, something I've needed for a while. My sexuality is something I've been keeping so hidden from the world because I didn't understand it. I felt so lost, so alone but yet I had my dad this entire time. I wish I told him earlier.
"What will mom say?" I ask into his shirt.
He chuckles and rubs my back.
"Your mom will be just as supportive as me, I promise you that."
"Are you sure?" I whispered while looking back up at him.
He nodded with a grin, making me feel safe.
"I just don't want you or mum to look at me differently." I whispered.
"You were still my baby today, and you'll still be my baby tomorrow." He supports as my heart melted.
I hear the front door open from behind us, making my stomach jump and turn my head around. Mum walked through the door with the keys in her hands and the mail in the other.
"Hi babies." She sees us in the kitchen, not close enough to see the emotions in my eyes.
I snap my head back to look up at Dad. He gave me a calming nod, signalling to me it's okay. I shut my eyes and nodded, gripping his for arms with my back to mum still.
"Is everything okay?" I hear her walk up to us from behind me.
I look up at dad who looks at her over my head.
"Mariah has something very important to tell you." My stomach twists in anticipation, I grip his arms harder.
"Are you okay sweetheart?" I could hear her voice behind me, making me swallow the lump in my throat. He looks down at me and nods again, making me turn around to face her standing there.
Her face fell when she saw the tears in my eyes, instantly concern taking over.
"Mariah-" She stepped over and grabbed my hands.
"She's okay." Dad says from behind me, putting his hands on my shoulders.
I stare into my mother's brown eyes, gripping her hands and trying to find the nerves to speak my reality I've been holding back for so long. Deep down I knew she wasn't going to be mad, but my emotions were so over the edge right now. It feels like when I speak these words, there was no going back.
"Mummy.." I whispered while my throat clenched. Her eyes started to get wet at the corners just by watching me exude this emotion. It never took a lot for her to cry.
"What is it baby? Tell me." She rubbed my hands with her thumbs.
I swallowed once, trying to suck back the tears so I can speak clearly and I wouldn't need to repeat myself.
"I'm gay." I spoke.
She froze and kept her eyes on mine, my stomach clenching. Time felt like it was going by so slow as she stared at me with her glossy eyes.
She stepped up to me and grabbed my face, tucking my hair back behind my ears as I stayed frozen.
"Is it Payton?" She asks me instead.
I nodded, how did she know that?
She smiles to me with the tears in her eyes.
"You're our daughter Mariah, someone I would never stop loving no matter what you personality came to be. You can love who every you want, as long as your happy. There is nothing wrong with liking girls, and I wish you never felt like it was going to be a problem to us." She strokes my face while comforting me, dad still rubbing my shoulders.
All of this felt so surreal, talking about my sexuality to my parents for the first time.
"I just doing want to be singled out from the others." I whispered.
"Like your siblings? Baby who you choose to love doesn't make you any different then them. Your sexuality is for you, not for others to judge you about. We would never treat you different or refer to you in any other way but our perfect daughter." She talks me down, making me nod.
I lean forward and hug her, holding her tight as dad hugged us both form behind me. I was sandwiched between my two supportive loving parents I was so lucky to have, feeling the safest I've ever felt.
"We just want you to be happy and accept yourself for the amazing person you are." He says with his chin on top of my head, Mum nodding in agreement.
"That's all we've every wanted for you Mariah."
I heard a noise near the entrance, making us disengage and look over at Payton poking her head around the corner of the kitchen entrance.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't want to interrupt I just going to go." She murmurs in awkwardness, running her hair back.
"Payton." Mum sucks back her tears and turns around to face her like dad and I. "Would you like to stay for a tea or coffee?"
She was caught off guard, seeming like she was not expecting that. A small smile creeped up her lips.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"Please, it would mean a lot." Dad adds, smiling as well.
Her cheeks went red and she smiled, gripping the side of her pants.
"I would really like that, thank you." She accepted, making me smile.
We sat and had tea around the table for nearly three hours, chatting about many things. We laughed and cried around the wooden table, having conversation I'd remember for the rest of my life.
That was the day I came out to my parents.
//
so soft I wanna cry, this chapter was so important.