A/N--Guys, I sincerely apologize for the suckish length of this chapter. I'm so sorry, I've just been really busy (and I know I use that excuse far too much) and haven't had time to sit and really think about this story. But still, I hope you all enjoy it :) And just know that this story still has a few good chapters left, so it's not close to being over yet. So please comment/vote/fan!! I'll love you forever :)
And please enjoy the adorable pic of Ethan at the side, I saw it and fell in loovvvee :)
This may sound kind of retarded, but after my realization that I'm in love with Ethan three days ago it's weird to be around him. I don't know what it is, why I'm feeling this way, but now anytime I'm around him I get all antsy and quiet and I feel like I'm being too clingy and that he's going to get annoyed and dump me or something.
I know that he's starting to get suspicious at my stand-offish behavior because he's started looking at me funny and he's definitely not as touchy with me as he usually is, and I hate it. I hate that he's being weird with me and that it's all my fault. And I don't even know why I'm doing this, why I'm subconsciously freaking myself out about our relationship when it's been so easy the entire time.
Like right now, as he's standing against the counter talking to my parents about some dinner that he and my dad are going to tonight, I can't bring myself to just walk over there and stand beside him, sneakily sliding my fingers into his back pocket like I've always done. No, right now my happy ass is sitting itself down in the booth because my heart won't stop fluttering and my stomach is all in knots just at the mere sight of him.
Is this what love is, or was I truly mistaken the other day? Because even though I've had zero experience in the whole love department, I know that love should not include me being all the way across the room from him. Right?
"Hallie, what's going on with you?" my mom asks from where she's standing near my dad and my boyfriend, causing the two of them to turn around and lay eyes on me as well. Great. Now me and my discomfort right now are front and center. Just what I needed today.
"What are you talking about?" I ask her dumbly, hitching up an eyebrow at her question. Maybe if I just play it off like nothing is wrong, it'll all go okay. Maybe if I act like I'm normal, they'll think it to be true.
She flips a manicured hand in my direction and says, "You've been sitting there for half an hour twirling a spoon in a bowl of uneaten cereal."
"I'm...waiting for it to get soggy?" I say, attempting to sound sure of myself but instead like I'm asking her a question.
Ethan shoots me a look, one that I honestly cannot decipher at all, and then turns back to the counter, looking away from me. Damn it. He is obviously on to the fact that I'm being weird with him and does not like it. Not one bit. That's why he looks kind of mad at me. Awesome.
Biting down on my bottom lip, I look away from the concerned eyes of my parents and back at my pretty much warm bowl of fruit loops. Disgusting. I usually eat this stuff like they're going to take it off the earth the next day and right now I can't even take a bite? What the hell is wrong with me?
Ignoring their back-and-forth gazes between themselves and me, I silently stand up from the booth and then walk over to the sink, dumping the uneaten cereal out and then heading out of the room. Luckily no one mentions anything to me, letting me leave in peace, and so I just head on up the stairs and into my bedroom.
I grab my laptop from where it's resting on my window seat, and then after getting Darko comfortably cuddling against my side, I open Tumblr and start scrolling through my dashboard. It's something completely mindless and can be pretty amusing, which is exactly what I need right now. I have absolutely no idea when my life decided to complicate itself, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.
I'm used to being bored all of the time, to cooping up in my bedroom for days at a time unless I was out at a party or something. I'm used to being alone and not having to worry about anyone but myself, with the exception of my once-upon-a-time crush on Jesse.
But while I do miss the simplicity of that, I wouldn't give up Ethan for not having to deal with Fred. I wouldn't give Ethan up for the world. So even though my life is filled with so much fucking drama right now, I wouldn't risk my relationship to get rid of it.
And I know that I'm being silly in hoping that my life was perfect, that I could have my awesome boyfriend as well as an awesome life outside of him. People aren't that lucky, I understand that. But still, it would be really nice...
There's a knocking on my door about an hour later, and when I call out "Come in!" I see Ethan poke his face through the door, looking just a bit apprehensive about coming inside. I hate that my attitude these past couple of days are the reason for that look. I've been so fucking stupid lately, hiding away from the one person who could make me feel better about this whole thing.
"Hey," he says quietly, and after stepping foot in the room he turns over his shoulder and shuts the door closed.
For the first time since we've been together, he doesn't make a mad dash to be by me. Usually he'll run and jump onto the bed, threading his arm around my stomach and burying his head in my arm. But now...now he's standing uncomfortably in the middle of the floor, looking like he has no idea what to do with himself.
I hate that he's uncomfortable with me, that he's unsure of what to do. Our relationship has never been like that. Even when we were just friends we were always sort of effortless, not having to think too terribly much about what to say or what to do.
But with me being all checked out of reality for the past three days, I've made it like this.
It's all my fault.
"Ethan," I start, pushing the laptop off of my stomach and then moving into a sitting position. Darko whines in protest at the sudden change in position, but I can't be bothered to help him out. Not when I have to explain myself so desperately. "I..."
He cuts me off, though, by finally crossing the room and joining me on the bed. But he doesn't come close to touching me when he does. No, instead he sits on the edge of the bed, as far from me as possible. And I'm not going to lie; the blatant avoidance of contact or affection with me hurts. It stings. As blunt as possible, he asks me, "Do you have feelings for Fred?"
The fact the he could even think of me having feelings for anyone but him makes me feel somewhat let down, like he doesn't trust me. So that's why I say, "Of course not! God, what would make you..."
His normally grinning blue eyes suddenly harden, his jaw clenching at my reaction. He says, "Well I don't know Hallie," he seethes sarcastically, "It couldn't be the fact that you cried your eyes out when you had to reject him, or maybe it's that you've been avoiding me for days now!" His voice is so rough...so hard. It's never like that. Not ever.
And he's right. So right. This whole thing is my fault, just mine. I can't be mad at him for thinking that I like Fred when I've been acting like I've been broken up with or something. Because I have. I've been quiet, I've been avoiding the people that I love, and I've been shacked up in my room. And I did cry; I cried like a baby the night that I had to go to the bar to help him.
Feeling tears prick at my eyelids because of the situation that I've created, that I've made Ethan mad at me for the first time in our relationship, I say, "I'm so sorry, I know I've been weird lately, and I honestly don't know why...but you have to believe me when I say that I don't like him. I have no feelings for Fred like that, Ethan. I swear."
"That's not what it's been feeling like lately. You didn't say one complete sentence to me yesterday, Hals. You were just so zoned out..." he trails off, and beneath the harshness of his words I can hear that he's hurt too. That he's scared that I've lost my feelings for him in all of this.
A couple of tears trickling onto my cheeks at how vulnerable I've made him, that I've made him lose his trust in my feelings for him, I scoot over closer to him and grab at his hand. He doesn't make a move to get away from me, but he also doesn't intertwine his fingers with mine and give me that gentle squeeze I've become so accustomed to.
I tell him urgently, "I just lost all three of my friends in the weirdest way possible, Ethan...of course I'm going to be weird. Fred and I were really good friends and now he's in love with me? It's a lot to wrap my head around. But I swear, babe, you're the only person I have feelings for. I swear."
His hardened façade is slowly starting to melt, that much I can tell, but he's still apprehensive with me. And I hate that. I don't like it at all. I run my fingers over the calluses of his palm, the toughened skin that he's grown because of his playing guitar all of the time, and can't help it. I can't help but whisper out, "I love you."
Because even though he hasn't said it to me, even though he's angry with me and even though I'm probably saying it far too quickly in the relationship, I can't help but say it. I'm in love with him. I love his eyes and the way he always smells good and how I'll feel him just randomly smile against my mouth when we're kissing. I love how caring he is, how he always calls my dad sir and my mom ma'am. I love how he went out and bought me aloe vera when I got sunburned even though we were barely even friends.
There is no one in this world that makes me feel like Ethan does, and even though this is probably the stupidest time to gush over my feelings for him, I couldn't just keep it to myself.
"Hallie..." he sighs, scooting closer to me and finally threading his fingers between my own, giving me that little squeeze. "I..."
"You don't have to say it back," I say quickly, suddenly feeling really exposed and stupid for just blurting it out like that. Of course he doesn't feel it too. We haven't been together that long, only like a month and a half. We haven't even slept together, and that's what guys really want, right? That would make him love me. That's why guys love girls. "I just...I...shit," I can't even find words to say, and suddenly my cheeks are blazing and my eyes are filling with tears because I've just ruined this even more.
"Hals..." he mumbles, scooting closer to me and running his fingers through the dark hair lying against my back. When I can't even stand to look at him, when I just know the expression on his face will be of utter terror, he starts to chuckle. How is he...how is he laughing right now? I'm so humiliated and stupid and...and he's laughing at me?
"Screw you," I say, swatting at his thigh. Still not meeting eyes with him, I jerk my fingers away from his and run them underneath my eyes, making sure that no tears escaped or anything.
"Babe," he coos, his voice still tinged with laughter but nowhere near as much. He leans in and lays his head on my shoulder, his light brown hair tickling the underneath of my jaw. "Don't be mad..."
"I just made an ass of myself and you're making it so much worse by laughing! Who the hell does that?" I demand, feeling a bit better because he hasn't fled the room screaming in terror yet. He's being all cuddly with me...that's got to mean something, right?
"I'm sorry," he says, his fingers lightly running over the skin of my thigh. "I just...you said it and then immediately freaked out."
"Because you didn't say anything!" I argue, hating that this has been brought up again but having to stand up for myself. "You just said my name and got that look in your eyes and I didn't..."
"I was shocked," he defends, "I came in here expecting us to break up...and then you tell me the complete opposite. I was surprised."
"Well handle your surprise better next time, you dick," I say, finally looking up and meeting eyes with him. His pretty eyes have shed that toughness and are now back to normal, happy and sparkling and everything.
"Swear," he says with a smile, leaning in and giving my lips a quick peck.
He goes to pull away, but I don't let him. It's been three days since I've kissed him and I haven't realized until right now just how much I've missed it. So I thread my arms around his neck, tangling my fingers into the hair that lies on his neck, and kiss him right back.
He smiles against me, making my heart flutter inside of my chest, and then lightly pushes me back so that I'm lying on the bed, my hair spreading out on one of my pillows. He climbs on top of me effortlessly, his lips never breaking away from mine. His hands run down my sides, leaving a trail of risen skin and sparks in his wake, as his tongue expertly slips into my mouth and meets mine, us finally back to normal.
How was I able to go so long without doing this? God, now that we're back at it, it feels like it's been years since I've been able to kiss him like this.
I arch my back when his fingers hit this certain spot right on top of my breasts, my chest colliding with his, making him suck in a heady breath. "Hals," he murmurs after breaking away from me, his lips right against my collarbone.
"Yeah?" I ask, my voice much more breathless than I'd originally thought.
"I love you too," he says quietly against my skin, making my heart pound against my ribcage. "Just thought you should know."