Song: Broken by Lund
"Life is the art of dying" ~ Unknown
Not Edited
I sat in my car in the driveway. Unmoving. My muscles were already becoming stiff, sore from today's use. My knuckles began to bruise very slightly and even my legs felt like jelly. I was not excited about facing my parents. It felt like all those years ago, fearing getting caught by them. But I really didn't do anything wrong. In fact, they should be proud. I was exercising, wasn't I? That was healthy, wasn't it?
I snorted to myself. Who am I kidding? As if my parents would care. I missed an important dinner when my mother gave me direct instructions to behave and be on time.
At the thought of my mother, I sucked in a breath. Today had been so emotionally draining all I wanted to do was go inside and crash in my bed. Nightmares be damned, I was exhausted.
Finally, with a defeated sigh, I made my way to the front of my house.
Here goes nothing.
As I cracked open the front of the door, I couldn't hear a thing. I glanced to my left, looking for the cars in the driveway. Mom and dad's cars were parked side by side, no trace of the earlier guests' there.
I had missed the entire dinner, it seems. I could only imagine what their reaction would be. I cringed, tugging at my bottom lip suddenly. I'd done so good these past few years. I didn't step out of line. I didn't come home late. I kept my grades up. I didn't party or drink. What was one lousy missed dinner?
God. I shook my head at my thoughts. I was never scared of my parents' reaction towards me. It wouldn't change anything, why should I start caring now?
As if I had made up my mind, I carefully closed the front door. I stood frozen, listening for any movement. It wasn't that late so I wasn't expecting them to be in bed just yet. But I haven't seen dad in who knows how long. Maybe he went directly to bed after dinner?
I checked the kitchen. The smell of leftover food could still be detected. Mom must've just put away the food not long ago. There were no signs of them, so I assumed they must be upstairs in bed already. The thought made me hesitate to climb the stairs.
I gripped the edge of the staircase railing, my foot hovering over the first step. At last second, I pulled back from the staircase. If mom and dad were uptairts, I'd wait a little longer. I didn't want another chance encounter with mom's shockingly brutal grasp.
Instead, I found myself moving through the living room. My gaze drifting through the happy family pictures. They were all taken in my elementary and early middle school years. Before the bitter world changed me into someone else entirely. I stared at the sweet smile plastered on mom's face in one of them. Her arm was tightly wound around my shoulder, her blue eyes shining with happiness as dad posed next to her. His own smile more real and less intimidating than usual.
And then there was me. All dressed in a deep shade of purple with gorgeous sparkles running down the length. My hair twisted into an immaculate bun on top of my head. My eyes shining with the same love and radiance as the one in my mother's eyes. It was the last father daughter dance I ever went too. The last moment I can remember where my family was whole and we were all so happy. We each completed one another. There was no need for extended fighting or prolonged arguments because we were a family.
My smile was broken. I can't even remember what happened that night. I can't remember if I enjoyed those last memories with him or not.
The smile I had staring at the picture turned into a small frown.
One of the last pictures ever taken of all of us together and I most likely found a way to fuck up the night. I was good at that. Shortly after that dance, I pulled a rather cliche move and fell in with the wrong crowd. I found Melanie amongst that crowd and the rest was history.
A part of me wanted to go back in time and change the course of events. Change the people I hung around. Stop myself from going to stupid parties and maybe I would preserve a little bit of innocence.
But I knew I couldn't turn back the clock no matter how badly I wished it.
A small sigh escaped my lips. Reminiscing over these pictures and memories was not going to make any of them a reality.
For a split second, I imagined telling my parents what happened. I imagined walking up to them with tears in my eyes and the truth clogging my throat. I would scream my confession to them both about what happened the night of the party. I imagined their faces. What would they feel as parents? Ashamed? Disgusted? Would they mimic the same feelings I've been feeling all these years? Would they shun me?
The very thought caused me to shut that scenario down in an instant. I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't risk that kind of reaction from them. I could practically see my father looking down on me, telling me it was my fault. My mother's face void of emotion with tears in her eyes as well. Wondering where she went wrong with me.
No, no, no. I couldn't. This would forever be my own secret. No one else needed to know about it. It was horrible. It was inhumane. But all I have to do is stay out of situations where that could happen again and I'll be fine. It'll never happen again. And if they do come back, I won't freeze up. I won't take a sip of any drinks they give me and I'll fight until I can't fight anymore.
Suddenly, all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I wanted to fall into the sheets of my bed and enter a deep slumber that would leave me feeling refreshed and brand new. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare that was my life and do things differently.
Leaving behind the living room with bittersweet memories hanging on the walls, I gripped onto the railing and made my way up the stairs. I could hear hushed whispers as I continued my descent. My steps faltered slightly, wanting to leave my parents to their own selves but a bigger part of me was desperate. I was desperate to know what they were talking about. There was this need gnawing at my insides, wanting to know what conversation my parents were having for the first time in what seemed like forever.
The curiosity burned in my veins as I stood on the last step. My parents' room was right around the corner. The door was partially ajar, showcasing the plain beige walls, and in the center of the plush navy carpet, there they sat.
Back to back, my parents sat. My mother's knees were pulled up, her chin resting against them while dad had his back pressed against her own, his eyes void and staring into the distant wall in front of him.
I remembered those days. They haven't sat like this in so long. This was how they used to settle arguments. They would sit back to back, pressed against one another, but not looking at each other. They knew the other was listening and that was all they needed to know. It was their chance to allow the other to talk about what was on their mind. They listened to one another. And at the end, when they finally looked at each other, they knew they were forgiven.
I had watched this moment countless times when I was younger. But these days, they hadn't so much as glanced at each other. My parents haven't done this in so long.
Slowly, I placed myself on the last step. I crouched in a similar position as my mother, my knees curled in front of me, my chin on top. I listened to what was left of their conversation.
My mother's voice was a soft whisper. I could barely hear her. "I don't know what to do anymore, Liam. I went too far. You should've seen her face. Her fear. She was afraid of me! Her own mother. God, what does that make me?" Her voice cracked, as did my heart.
Oh, mom. It wasn't your fault.
"Emma," my father sighed, rubbing his face into his hands. "You got drunk for the first time since you've been sober. This is exactly why you stopped drinking. Of course Layla would be afraid. She hasn't seen you drunk since she was a child." It was odd to hear my father use my name so loosely. I was surprised he even remembered that long ago. I forgot about my mother's drinking days. She was clean by the time I was five and hadn't taken another sip since. I couldn't remember how she acted while drunk, I just know she quit.
"Liam, you don't understand. You weren't there. Her eyes. She was trying to hide from me. She-she's never done that."
"Why were you drinking, Emma? Let's not discuss the consequences of your actions until we discuss what led to your actions. Why did you decide to drink again?"
I was stunned at the hurt in my dad's voice. He sounded genuinely upset she had broken her streak and was no longer sober. It was as if they were back to themselves years ago, the married couple that spoke with care and compassion but a strong love for each other. I knew my parents loved each other. It just seemed like lately the love kinda faded out. The spark had died.
My mother hesitated. "I thought... I thought..."
"You thought I was cheating on you with the chief of the hospital's wife?" My father finished, his lips tightening. He sounded so betrayed. Like the very words had caused his heart to break and betrayal to seep into the cracks.
"Liam, I'm sorry I just— you haven't been coming home. You've haven't been paying any attention to me- your wife- let alone your own daughter! And then suddenly you come home one night and tell me to prepare a dinner for important people! What was I supposed to think, Liam?" Tears began to stream down my mother's cheeks, her eyes hollow and her voice pitched from the crying.
And then, it was over. The argument was done. Dad turned around and gathered mom in his arms, rubbing her back in soothing circles. This was it. Each was forgiven. They didn't need to vocalize it. They never did. Dad kissed her head gently, and whispered words in her ear. I couldn't make out the words he told her, but a small smile appeared on mom's lips and I knew they were better.
Whatever they were arguing about was in the past and they were back in love. I only hoped this night was the start of many more like this. Where mom and dad were together. The thought made me smile a little.
Even if I can't have my life back, it was nice to know there was still hope for my parents' future.
With my parents cocooned in each other's arms, I quickly made my way swiftly past their bedroom and into my room. My footsteps softly padding the carpet until I got to my room.
When I shut the door, I was almost ready to jump into bed and finally succumb to sleep. My phone buzzed with a message before I could act on my desires, though.
I glanced at the message.
Unknown Number:
Hey Lala. Don't forget to ice your knuckles or they'll bruise by the morning. Expect a scheduled routine tomorrow morning. I'm picking you up so you can forget your car. Rest up, Lala. We have work to do tomorrow. No getting out of it now. (BTW don't fret, Kate gave me your number)
Zander. I smiled without even thinking about it. I went into my phone and quickly changed the number to Zander's name. My heart swelled slightly, a feeling of comfort washing through me. This feeling was different. Was it selfish of me to want to keep Zander around for this feeling?
Yes, it absolutely is. And I shouldn't even be thinking about that. Zander is not the answer to my happiness. I can make myself happy, damnit.
I scowled at the thoughts my mind began to conjure up.
Once again, Zander Collins doesn't fail to make my mind a mess of frazzled thoughts.
Instead of responding, I set my phone on the charger and climbed into bed.
My muscles are already beginning to feel the pull the comfort of my bed offered. It had felt like so long since I actually thought about getting a good night's sleep.
Tomorrow is a new day. I would learn to defend myself. I would get over any prior anxiety and talk to Kate about training with me. I hoped she agreed. Maybe we could both begin to live our lives again.
As my thoughts spurred together, my eyes felt heavier. Before I knew it, darkness descended upon me and I let my eyes fall shut.
Just barely audible, I heard a distant creek. Then, a sound.
"Sweet dreams, Layla," the voice was so soft and motherly.
Goodnight mom, I thought, but the word never passed my lips.
Kind of a filler chapter, apologies. Finals are coming up and I've been working more hours for the holidays but rest assured I'll continue to update this story. I can't wait for more to unfold for you guys. A few questions:
What are your thoughts on Layla? On Zander? What about Kate? Any future predictions for what's to come?
Thank you for reading, guys! This truly does mean a lot. Until next time!