"sometimes, you don't know how much something means to you until it's taken away." unknown
☁
"Castiel... wake up."
The words floated around the angels head as he was in a dark and empty room. It felt like he was in a tight tomb, where he can't move his arms nor his legs, he could only move his head and his eyes. But, moving both of them were useless. When he looked around, he saw nothing but black. His heart sank, seeing nothing but darkness. He tried to call out a name, but all that came out was air and sadness. The angel tried to get all the courage and eventually he could call out a single name.
Cas called out for Dean, his name echoing through the empty darkness. He called one more time, and it was nothing. There was nobody in there, nobody to save him. He tried moving his feet again, but they seemed as if they were held down by some force, same with his arms. He stood there for what seemed like hours, yet it was only a few minutes.
The enigma of the circumstance confused Castiel, although he thought he knew everything. He thought he knew what was going on, but by the minute his limbs became more numb and his mind became more foggy. The darkness seemed to be getting slightly brighter by the second. He couldn't think straight. He tried to focus on happiness, but all he could think about was the fact that he felt trapped. He couldn't fly, he couldn't communicate with his family, he was cold and hungry and felt like nobody loved him.
"Cas, wake up."
That time, the voice was almost indescribably recognizable. He knew it was the man who stabbed him. The man who could've easily left him at that church, rotting for dead. Yet, he didn't. Was it because of the guilt portrayed on Dean's shoulders? He heard the way Dean had gasped when Cas' grace leaked out. He felt the way Dean struggled to pick his angel up because of the potential innocent blood on his hands. His deliberate hands that churned that knife in his back.
It was Dean's fault that Cas couldn't fly. He couldn't disappear from his conflicts or problems with a flutter of his ravenous wings. And now, he was trapped in what seemed like a dream. Like a birdcage where his wings are clipped the lights are out for the night. All Cas wished was to hold his dear brother tightly and tell him all of his problems.
When Cas was younger and still forming his grace and light, his brother was always by his side. When Cas struggled to use his powers, Gabriel would help him use them correctly. When Cas couldn't seem to complete his mission, his brother secretly did it for him. It was all so simple for the archangel to do, yet it meant everything for Castiel.
Similarity grew inside of Cas like a flower once again. It was similar to the circumstance that him and Dean were in. Dean simply helped him with everyday things, just like his brother Gabriel did. Cas struggled to be an angel, and so Gabriel believed in him. Cas struggled to be a human, and so Dean believed in him, too.
It was almost as if Cas' life was on repeat, except a little tiny complexity had changed.
As if the darkness had just evaporated, Cas' eyes snapped open. He was still in Dean's room yet his shirt and his dress pants were off too. He was bare except for his underwear.
He quickly scrambled, ashamed of himself, to the nearest blanket. He looked around and saw Dean, Sam and Charlie sitting on chairs. Dean was listening to Led Zeppelin through headphones that were connected to his phone. Sam was researching on his laptop, and Charlie was reading a novel that Cas couldn't quite make out the title from the distance.
Dean was the first to look up and he saw Cas looking terrified. Cas' blanket was tightly clutched to his chest and his body was rising up and down, breathing heavily.
"Woah, Cas. Chill out, man." Dean softly spoke, putting his hands flat out, signaling for the angel to calm down.
Cas licked his lips as they were dry with a subtle taste. He started brushing out his hair with his fingers in a nervous manner. Cas looked over to his left and saw his trench coat laying on the foot of the bed, folded neatly. He quickly grabbed that and wrapped it around him since the air was frosty and bitter.
Dean had stood up and walked toward Cas. Dean saw the bruise that shined in the fluoresce light again, the colors still captivating yet they faded with a dim green. Cas looked up and saw a soft smile that pinned to Dean's face. It was so simple.
All of it, so simple. The tiny pattering of Cas' heart that thumped in his chest when they lock eyes. The shaking of his hands when they almost brushed against his. The adrenaline that kicks through his veins whenever he hears his voice. It was like a slow and silent beat of a drum that represented his heart. The beat during the chorus would pump and start going faster when he was around him.
Cas didn't know that these feelings he felt were possible. Sure, he felt love when he was an angel, but in a peaceful and sincere way. The feelings he felt as a human were lustful and dark. He thought about things that he has never even imagined before. What did he look like underneath? He knew sort of. He knew his heart and his mind, but not the soft skin underneath his clothes. He wanted to explore every part of Dean. His lips, his eyes, his body.
"I'm sorry." Cas roughly muttered, his voice cracked when he spoke out since it had been a while since he had.
"Why, man? It's alright. You were just a little shook up, that's all." He said softly back, holding his hand out to put it on Cas' right shoulder.
Cas jerked back and covered his face with the crevice of his arm. Dean hand jolted back, not wanting to hurt the ex-angel.
Cas looked at his chin, his glamour, plump lips were slightly agape. The color was a blush pink, with a slight gleam to them around the edge. Whenever Dean was concentrated or frustrated, his lips would slightly pout and pucker out. A slight stubble surrounded his mouth, giving him a rough, rugged outline of his jaw. His smile would radiate a whole room, giving a shine that beamed like nothing else. His eyes would crinkle and give him a slight, temporary crow's feet. His straight and white teeth would stick out through his upper jaw. He would slightly bite his lip when his chuckle or laugh faded away.
Then, he looked slightly up, looking at his eyes. Green with a hint of hazel around the circumference, they would light up with whatever emotion he was feeling. If happy, his eyes would slightly squint and his eyes would disappear. The light would be blocked off slightly, but his smile seemed to shine brighter. If surprised, his eyebrows would slightly raise up and his body would be still. If angry, his eyebrows would shoot down and you felt as if your world was on fire. His lips would snarl and his eyes would light up like hell.
He looked him up and down, looking at his whole body and intaking his musk. Jeans were tightly fitted around his waist and he was wearing a plain black t-shirt. As he stood, his bow legs showcased and a leather belt wrapped around the hoops. The black shirt tightly snug around his arm and the neck of the shirt revealed slight collar bones.
Cas would admit, when he went into the kitchen and saw Dean shirtless, his eyes lingered in areas that he should not have lingered. A slight tone of a six-pack formed around his torso. His skin would gleam and glow like clouds covering the sky. Everything about Dean seemed to be perfect through the ex-angel's eyes.
"Hey," Dean snapped his fingers softly, "eyes up here, buddy."
The ex-angel blinked and collected himself as he realized he had been staring for too long. He looked at Dean's face and saw a stubbled grin across his face. Cas felt ashamed. He was a dirty, lonely, pathetic human who had no idea what he was doing. Yet, through it all, Dean seemed to shine through the grey clouds and give Cas help.
The hopeless one felt weak asking for help. When he was an angel, he should've studied the way humans thought. He studied their beauty and their world, instead of studying their mindset and their technology. As an angel, he didn't know that he would have to face whatever he was facing. He didn't know that he would be separated from his heavenly family and have to find an earthly one. As an angel, Cas was confident and strong. However, as a human, Cas felt shy and weak. He didn't want to ask for help and he didn't want to ask for anything that might cause another trouble.
He didn't want to ask for food, or clothes, or warmth because that was what real humans needed. Cas didn't feel like a real human. He felt like he wasn't made to be one, which is why he struggled so badly actually being one. He was made to be an angel, not a lonely human.
"Cassie,"
A temporary silence.
"Cassie."
Cas had jolted back in the bed and his eyes seemed to close shut with a force. His ears rang with a high pitched hum, and slight whispers called out his informal name. Cas had recognized the voice, yet he couldn't make out a face. Instead, he tried to focus on the wings that the voice belonged to. Two sets of golden wings with fluttering feathers that were much bigger than the old ones Cas had been given.
Now, the light made out a face. A short, scruffy looking man with longer, slicked back hair. His eyes were bright as the sun, with a grey, almost blue like color.
It was the archangel Gabriel. Cas' dear and beloved brother.
"Little bro, can you hear me now? Is it set to the right channel?" He said, like he was broadcasting on television that only Cas could turn to.
"Okay. I'm assuming since the stupid-ass ringing stopped, you can hear me." Gabriel said like he was talking to himself.
There was another silence that seemed like an eternity.
"Woah. Sorry about that. Big ol' papa had to tell me something 'important'." Gabriel was talking about his heavenly Father. Cas could feel himself smiling as he could finally hear the voice of his brother. "Okay, anyway. You know Luci, right? I know I know, you'll correct me. Lucifer. The big bad King of Hell and Lies. He's trying to kill all the humans who were once angels. And what 'nuestro Padre' had told me... is you're one of them! So, congrats."
Cas felt horrified. He didn't want to die. Especially as a rusty, dusty human.
"Well, unless I can somehow get to you... which'll probably be a while... you're gonna have to hide with wardings and all that fancy stuff. So, anyways... good luck, baby bro!"
He once again jolted awake, this time he was focused on light and it didn't bother him as bad. Dean, Sam and even Charlie were standing around the bed where Cas had laid down again.
"What the hell happened?" Dean barked at Cas.
"Gabriel..." Cas muttered to himself, looking down at his hands as he sat up on the bed.
Cas looked up from his hands and to the three familiar faces. Tears started flooding his eyes and he started to fill up with currents of emotions that he didn't know he could feel. He felt as if somebody had punched him in the gut and all that could come up were tears and moans of sadness.
The first tear that Cas had ever cried came out of his left eye. Salty, bitter tears came cascading down his face stained the sheets. He looked up and tried to communicate with one of them, to explain what is going on, but he was choking on his own sorrow. He sniffled his nose and wiped his face with his hands and palms.
"Sammy, Charlie... could you leave us alone for a second?" Dean said to the both of them, looking back painfully. He couldn't imagine the psychological pain Cas could be going through right now. He means, imagine being an angel and almost dying, but instead of dying, he is stuck on earth living with two almost dumpster-diving freaks.
Both Sam and Charlie respected their privacy and had left the room. After the door clicked shut, Dean looked at Cas and softly put his fingertips on Cas' chin to lift it up.
His eyes were glossy with water and looked like a miserable puppy who had gotten kicked. Dean's own eyes fluttered back and forth, reading his face like a magazine. He didn't want his angel to cry. He didn't want somebody he loved to cry.
A sudden urge came over Dean that tug his heart and his lips. Just to softly plant his lips on the ex-angel's. But, he knew he couldn't. He knew he couldn't come out to himself. He knew he couldn't come out to his family, the world.
Just not now.
"Cas, I can't say I understand what's going on, err," He paused, trying to look for words. Slight speeches were never his strong suit, "because you won't tell me. Who is Gabriel?"
Cas sniffled again and looked at Dean, the tears had eventually stopped because there were no more tears left to cry. The ducts had decided to shut. Cas felt embarrassed crying in front of somebody he loved. He felt weak and hopeless. He didn't want to rely on help because he was undeserving of help.
"Gabriel," Cas spoke out, his voice still gruff and dominant sounding. "is my brother. He is an archangel."
Dean licked his lips looking at him, rather surprised. "An archangel? You mean, like a big and bad angel with way more powerful mojo and crap?"
"Yes, if the 'mojo and crap' are referring to angel grace. He is one of the most powerful angels in Heaven."
"What did he tell you?"
"Lucifer is going to kill me."