The entire drive back home was too quiet. I bit my lip, thinking of what to even say. I was only a few weeks. To be honest, I didn't know if it was John's or Andrew's. This again, reminding me of how much of a whore I am.
When we got out of the vehicle, Julian came around and hugged me. I froze in my tracks and hugged him back.
"What's this for?" I asked. He looked up at me and shrugged.
"Just because I can."
I smiled and ruffled his hair. "Come on. Let's go inside."
We made our way into the house, finishing up our decorating. This was my way of keeping my mind off things. Julian helped now and then. He spent most of his time in his room doing god knows what. I knew he still blamed himself for what happened to James. I told him not to. But, he still did.
I started feeling off a few days ago. Nauseated, cramping, dizzy....exactly how I felt the past few times I was pregnant. The morning sickness began yesterday. That is what pushed me to see the doctor as soon as possible. But to be honest, I was unsure if I was going to keep it. I also wasn't sure if I was going to tell John. Or Andrew. But I was going to ask Julian.
..
"You don't know who the father is??" Julian asked, freaking out. I sat on the sofa and shook my head.
"No. But, I don't know if I want to keep this baby. If do, I'll just keep thinking I had it as a substitute for James. I miss him Jules. A hell of a lot. But, it's not this baby's fault. It deserves a chance at life....I'm so confused." I said biting my lip. Julian sat next to me.
"I think ye should keep the little bugger. You deserve to have it."
I kissed the top of his head and nodded. "Please don't tell your father. Just, not yet."
"Can't ye just have sex with him and tell him the baby is his??"
I looked at him, raising my eyebrows. "Julian!"
He nodded. "Okay mum. I love you."
"I love you too baby."
..
After a hot bath, I sat in the living room, looking through a photo album of pictures. Me and James in the hospital the day he was born. In Paul's arms. I missed Paul. He didn't know yet about James. He'll find out soon. I knew it was in the paper. Especially since it was John's son. I didn't want to think about it.
I decided to make myself some tea. I was reaching for the tin box, when I saw the bottle of liquor beside it. I was about to grab that instead, when there was a knock on the door. I answered it and smiled to see John.
"Hi." I stepped aside so he could come in. He walked into the living room and sat down. I followed. "Is everything alright?"
"I dunno. Depends how ye put it. I told Yoko about us. I told her that I'm still in love with you and that...I want to be with you."
I blinked and took a breath. "John..."
"Please Lucy....I do love you. And after all this I realised, how short time is. I mean for fucks sake, James was happy and alive one day and the next, he's just gone. But we have to just deal with it. Although he was taken from us, he did live a great life. He had a mum who loved him dearly. He had a father who loved him. Two brothers who filled him with joy. Maybe it was his time."
I stayed silent and nodded. He watched as I sat next to him, taking his hand in mine. "I love you John. There's something I need to tell you."
"Yes?"
"I'm pregnant."
He looked at me in surprise. "W..what? Are ye sure??"
I nodded. "I went to the doctor earlier. He confirmed it."
He smiled and leaned in, kissing me. I smiled and hugged him, not mentioning the fact the baby might not even be his.
..
"So what are we going to do? You have to go back to her." I said as I layed back in his arms as we layed on the sofa.
He played with my hair as he spoke. "She didn't seem all too upset. But, I know it's got to hurt her. Knowing I've still got feelings for another woman. I don't think she understands. Nobody understands. You do. Everything we've shared together. Good and bad."
I nodded and rested my head back on his chest. "I love you John. I really do. Remember when we were younger, after we would make love you'd always talk about running away together. Just you and me. Then you'd ask me to marry you. As if that would make all our problems go away."
"We've been married before. Wasn't all that bad was it?" He asked. I shut my eyes and grabbed one of his hands, bringing it down my body, opening my legs. Just enough for his hand to fit in my panties. I was grateful I was in some loose fitting shorts instead of jeans or a tight fabric. I loved the fact he knew what to do. He needed no direction as to please me.
I felt his middle finger brush against my clit, making me bite my lip. The roughness of his fingers adding a different sensation than those of soft hands. My body fitted in his as I relaxed, moving my hands over my head to rest on the back of his neck.
"Mmmm....John...tell me how you fuck your wife." I asked. I could hear the excitement in his voice as he rubbed me, the wetness beginning to soak his fingers, playing a role as lube to ease over my now swollen clit. "What do you like? Don't be shy baby." I said when he didn't answer.
He cleared his throat and spoke. "I love the way she sucks my cock. When she gives me head....When she buries it between her tits, teasing me until all the blood rushes down my body."
"Tell me more." I breathed, writhing under his touch as he rubbed me faster. I could feel him growing behind me, his bulge poking against my lower back.
"I love the way she moans when I fuck her. When I watch her in complete ecstacy underneath my body."
I gripped the back of his neck, breathing hard as I began to explode. John moved his soaked fingers out of my underwear, trailing them up my body, over my lips. I licked them slowly, tasting myself. He removed his fingers from me lips, and finished licking his fingers clean. My body still trembling on his as I gathered my thoughts. I let go and looked up at him.
"Does she fuck you better than I do?"
He shook his head. "Nobody fucks me the way you do. You're so passionate and untamed. Sure I've had a few good fucks. But, ye know just how I want it. When to slow down, when to keep going."
I smiled and sat up, turning to face him. He bit his lip, watching me as I unbuttoned my top, letting it open to expose my breasts. His breathing growing heavier as I leaned over, licking up his neck.
"Now, let me remind you of how amazing I can be."
..
"Holy shit." John panted as we both fell back on the sofa, naked, covered in a layer of sweat and sore out of our minds. I giggled as he rested his hands on my lower back, whistling in content.
"That was pretty good wasn't it?"
"Good?? It was fucking great. Christ this is what I've been missing for years!?"
I rested my chin on his chest, looking up at him. "Oh this was just typical. Believe me, get me some acid, a little vodka and a firm bed.."
John sat up and grabbed the phone. I smiled. "What are you doing??"
"I'm gonna get us some acid." He said. I laughed and leaned up. Kissing him passionately.
..
John unwillingly had to leave to go back to Yoko and Sean. I had to admit, the more time I spent with John, the more time he spent in my bed....my selfish behaviour began to resurface from deep down inside me. That side of me I stuffed away to rid of my wrong ways. I could sense it in John as well. His attitude, the way he looked at other women, that certain edge I longed for that he was confined to even show since his marriage to Yoko.
This all started the beginning of February. I was sad to see Julian leave. But Cynthia reminded me, He still had his studies to focus on. He couldn't give up school, especially since he was soon to be thirteen. A teenager. He'll be coming back when the school year is finished. Until then, it was just me, all alone in this house John bought me. But soon, that was about to change.
..