Maybe it had always been there, like a chronic illness that refused to go away. Or some kind of epiphany I had just experienced. Either way, after realizing my feelings for Sebastian, an overwhelming sense of guilt washed over me.
The next week, after the dinner, I couldn't eat. And I stayed in bed for the entirety of the time I was feeling like this. I turned down hanging out with Josh, which was weird because I loved hanging out with Josh. He even offered to come over and maybe watch a movie, but I rejected that too.
It seemed like the only thing I ever wanted to do was lay in bed and watch TV. It's not like I wanted to watch TV, or lay in bed. But these two things barely took any energy, and I had used up all my energy to think about 'The Mess.'
Yes. I gave it a name.
The Mess might not seem like a big deal to most people, but if you were in my shoes, I'm sure you'd be feeling the guilt and shame. I couldn't stop thinking about it, how we talked, and his face, and that kiss.
That damned kiss.
Over the course of one week, Sebastian had sent me a total of like 50 texts and 10 missed calls, all of which I totally ignored because I had no energy to talk to him let alone acknowledge his existence at the time. Whenever I tended to overthink a little too much, I'd close my eyes and imagine that I was a character in a movie, or a book, or maybe even a telenovela, definitely a telenovela, because of the absurdity of my situation. Joane did check in on me every now and then, but I told her I was sick, and she made me chicken soup, then she disappeared for like - three days. I did shower once every few days
I just wish I had felt these feelings for Sebastian sooner, not when Josh had finally reciprocated his feelings for me.
-
When I woke up that morning, I knew I had to get up and actually do things, human things. I skipped five classes for the week I stopped functioning as a human being. So, I finally got up.
After brushing my teeth and doing my usual skincare routine, I dressed myself in a big wool sweater with a white button up shit under, and a skirt. I ate an egg made sunny side up, and drank half a glass of milk, which was a lot for me. Considering I don't even remember the last time I had food that wasn't flaming hot cheetos and mountain dew. Do you know how free I was? I was so free that sometimes during my one week 'bender', I had discovered hot cheeto cereal (which was basically just hot cheetos and mountain dew mixed together, and it wasn't very good.)
"Oh, you're up. Finally. Feeling better?" Joane greeted me once she got up, which was a couple minutes later.
I could only nod in response.
"Do you want pancakes?" She asked. I nodded harder. After breakfast, Mom and Dad had called me, so I had to check my phone.
10 missed calls from Josh
Josh: Hey! wanna hang out today? (monday 12:34pm)
Josh: There's a new marvel movie out today, lets go watch it LOL (tuesday 1:20 pm)
Josh: U ok?? (wednesday 3:48 pm)
Josh: are u mad?? (thursday 6:59 am)
Josh: I came by your house today but joane said u werent feeling well, and then she just dipped without letting me in. is everything okay? (thursday 11:30 am)
Josh: text me when u get this!!! (friday 7:45 am)