Although giddiness ran through me when Ziyah's hand was on my thigh and his eyes were on my legs I've settled back in my boyfriend jeans, and thanks to La's bipolar weather my bright red hoodie. Do I look like the girls who used to be on my screen when I had pinterest, no, but my looks don't matter today as it's the first day of my film program at the New York Film Academy.
"When I was young in the summer I spent my days chasing Devondre the neighborhood dog around, there wasn't no film program just Ms. Pattie's daycare," my dad says as he stops at a red light. Most of his childhood memories from the Bronx come at times like these when an old woman in a prius forgets how to drive. He's especially not holding anything back on this trip because it's just the two of us Vince is training and Dani is at summer camp.
"Didn't you say last time Devondre was chasing you?" I ask before he can add on to his narrative.
"Me chasing his fat ass or him chasing my fried chicken lovin' ass, same difference," my dad concludes and I can't help but laugh even if he isn't letting go of his mean mug. "You laughing now, but one of these days I'm going to find a dog who needs exercise and you're going to become Usain bolt."
"My mile is already 8:55." Dad does an impressive nod as if he's looking at some fancy painting. Making him lose his mean mug the old woman in the prius turns down another lane, and the bright green light flashes.
As the number of cars decrease my dad lets Lauryn Hill's Ex Factor play as I tap my fingers on my notebook which according to the film program's site was the only thing us students needed to bring. It only takes 5 minutes and a few insurance ads for my dad to park in front of the New york film academy, and turn to give me a semi harsh look. "New york film academy in north hollywood? Makes no sense, as a former New Yorker I'm offended." He shakes his head, and I can see the lecture in his eyes.
"Ok dad," I say not being too good at hiding that annoyed teenage daughter side of me.
"You know when I was young, guess how many times my dad drove me around," he asks.
"Twice, but he was looking for a place to smoke, "I recite. A smile breaks out on my dad's face, and his period of reminiscence is finally over as we head into the building.
There is tons of students and the first day of course is the long drawn out orientation where I meet Alyssa who has long brown curls and a golden girls t shirt. She wants to write the next How I met your mother, and the second she says it we immediately form a bond. Unlike school and group projects my shyness goes away and is replaced with excitement for the whole day.
When I exit the building my dad sits in his Mazda aggressively typing away at his phone. He doesn't stop until I pull the door open and his eyes land on me. "Hey did they teach you how to make billions while only casting the same 10 actors," he says with a fake smile as I slide into the passenger seat.
"It was just an orientation today dad," I say and he begins driving while bobbing his head to "Girls on film," and mumbling along with the melody. I add on to his mumbling and head bobbing, until his phone begins to buzz every 5 seconds. Knowing how my dad feels about his privacy and me seeing Kayla blow up his phone with request I don't bother picking it up for him or even looking at the screen. Like the good citizen he is he picks it up when the light transitions to red, and goes back to aggressively typing.
"Vince asking for more food?" I ask even though I sure as hell know that's not the case. My dad just shakes his head and sloppily places his phone down in the cup holder only for it to go back to aggressively buzzing.
Unlike my mom who stays mad for at least a day about everything and doesn't try to lighten up my dad turns to me and lets the irritation come off of his face. "So tell me about the orientation I had to fill a bunch of paperwork for."
"Well they just told us all the things we were going to be doing, and boy did they name drop every single person in the industry who was associated with them." I kind of wish I had more to say because my dad's eyes wander back to his phone that refuses to stop buzzing. His eyes hold clear annoyance in them letting me know the person blowing up his phone is my mother who if she doesn't get a response will send 90 text messages. I know first hand.
"Your brother is doing something tonight, and Dani has a sleepover, so it's just going to be you and your mother. Don't go calling me if she forgets to unlock the door for you again, I'm going to visit Kayla's mom so I won't be home." Uhh Kayla's mom also known as the women who lives with no WiFi or cellular connection.
Automatically my emotions reveal themselves and I fiddle with my fingers before I say, "fine with me." I love my mom, but she's definitely going through it since one of her friends got in a car accident. She was already not the happiest person so on top of that being at her place is filled with tissues and us kids and Vince walking on eggshells. The weird part is when she's like this it doesn't seem like it's the most abnormal thing.
*
Just as I expected when my dad dropped me off my mom is laying in her bed surrounded by crumbled tissues, and I'm outside her door not knowing what to do. Vince usually comforts her being the oldest, and for a guy who's extremely cocky he's really good at it. Of course Vince can't fulfill his duties now as he's planning his 18th birthday party with Vicki. Dani is also better at comforting, but since she's gotten a phone she's stopped hugging mom so much and found the satisfaction in playing sims free play.
"Mom do you need anything?" I ask softly and crack the door slightly open to see her quite messy room. There was a period where she wanted to organize everything, but like most of her little sprints of interest that faded away.
"Daya go away please," she moans and I don't hesitate to shut the door back to the way it was. I want to go and watch tv, but the picture of her laying in her bed with a tear stained face is stuck in my mind. A tear stained face that is sharper due to the meals she's been missing and making up at her conference meetings at work. At least I know this phase won't last too long.
My stomach growls and leads me to the kitchen where there isn't much, but chicken noodle soup, oatmeal, and other items that we buy in bulk but don't eat regularly. I settle for some oatmeal, and when I scarf the taste of health down I make some soup and put into a cute little bowl. I walk carefully with the bowl in my hand, and go into the same place outside my mom's door.
This time I don't bother opening the door slightly. "Mom I made you some soup," I say. I hear a moan, but that's it. "You know everything is going to be ok mom." She lets out another whine that is similar to the ones I heard when watching the kids after school. "Do you want me to call Vince?" I don't bother waiting for an answer, and press the bright green button on Vince's contact. After 4 rings of his madmen ringtone I get Vince's, "Sorry I'm busy I'll hit you back," voicemail. My mom must've hear it, because for the first time this evening she gets on her to her feet. The sound of her eldest son's voice makes her lift to her feet and peek her heard through the door. With her hair tied back in a ponytail and her face lacking it's usual glow she says,"Did he pick up?" While making a mental note to hit Vince when I see him I shake my head. As if this women needs any more disappointment.
"Here's your soup I added the seasoning you like ," I say and gesture to the bowl that's radiating steam onto my skin. Getting my hopes up she opens the door all the way only to scold me. It's a different kind of scold compared to the ones she gives me when I leave my clothes on the floor. This one like the image of her laying in bed all sad is something I can briefly picture from various parts of my childhood. All of that sadness I was minutes ago begging to be sucked out of her is gone, but it's now replaced with anger or what her heavy breathing makes me think is anger.
"Was that the last soup?" She practically yells.
"Umm well it was the last chicken soup there is still some clam-"
Her eyebrows get all closed together not giving me the chance to finish my sentence."I was going to eat that tomorrow Daya! You ruined everything!" Not knowing what she's doing she pushes the bowl back, and a good ole splash of burning soup lands right on my arm. The boiling water makes me want to yell every cuss word in the book and I scrunch up my whole face thinking that will somehow help. The water using my brown skin as a skillet doesn't distract me from looking at my mom who isn't getting the first aid, but pacing in between the doorway. Like Dani she bites her nails, and shakes her head while slow tears come down her face similar to the ones I'm trying to suck in.
After a matter of seconds she looks at me as I still struggle to hold the soup bowl. "Look what you did Daya! Go away! Go," she yells and being filled with confusion and hesitation I scurry off back into the kitchen. I settle the bowl on the clutter counter top that's still recovering from my mom's cooking phase, and dab my burn with a cold paper towel as if that's going to make anything any better.
I search a cluttered drawer for anything that can ease the pain, but I only stumble upon orange bottles. The same orange bottles that I remember my dad telling me we're allergy medication when I was younger. Even with Dani and Vince not being here I look over my shoulder to read the label. Above my mom's all capitalized name is the title of the medication :Divelproex. I'm about to google it, but the sound of my mom's loud footsteps makes me shut the drawer.
I head back into the living room expecting to see my mom calmed down but she's pacing in front of the tv.
"Mom you know what you told me when I was younger, 'this to shall pass'," I say taking noticeable steps away from her. My steps aren't enough, and she turns back to me with fury in her eyes that are supposed to be calm and welcoming.
"Daya I said go, go away!" She screams, and her arm flies open to point at the apartment door.
My feet stick to the ground, and I can't get out any words. "What .. what do you mean? I can just go to bed if you want," I say with fear laced in my voice.
Her anger doesn't go away even as I take another step back out of her. "No Daya go! You're tuning everything! Go! Just go!" She yells for the apartment complex to hear.
To make her point even more clear she throws me my tennis shoes and phone from the coffee table each hitting my chest triggering my tears. Before she can yell again a door is slammed right in my face that is being covered with tears as I stand in the cold. It's crazy how in the beginning of the day everything was going so well how it's all in her words ruined. I call my dad, and remember he's working all night as I hear his voicemail. I call Vince no answer. I call my mom to change her mind, no answer. All I'm left to do is sit on the cold floor and hit my last contact which really should've been one of the first people I called.