After soundcheck, the boys went about their normal process of preparing for a show.
Luke was messing with his hair which didn't seem to be cooperating. Michael was on the phone with his girlfriend who had called to wish him luck like she did before each show. Calum had been plucking at a string on his shirt when Ashton pulled him to the side.
"Can I talk to you?" Ashton asked him. He looked around the room at Luke and Michael before looking back to Calum. "Privately?"
Calum gave him a nod but he could tell from the look in Ashton's eyes and the tone of his voice this wouldn't be good for him. He swallowed his nervousness and followed Ashton into the hall just outside the dressing room.
"What's up?" Calum asked, praying this conversation wasn't about who he thought it was.
"Talk to her." Ashton ordered.
"Who?" Calum choked out. His idea to play dumb had failed him.
Ashton gave him a glare.
Calum sighed.
"What's the point?" Calum asked, shrugging his shoulders.
"The point is you need closure." Ashton said quickly, a hint of irritation slipping through his voice. "Frankly, I'm tired of watching you mope around here being angry with the world because you're angry with Sienna."
Hearing her name made Calum perk up without even realizing. He was more focused on Ashton's attitude.
"I haven't been moping." He defended, earning another glare from Ashton.
"You sit around and watch her with Niall." Ashton reminded him. "You watch them like they've committed a crime. Every time he makes her laugh you look like you've been punched in the gut." Ashton explained. "You're making yourself miserable-"
The more Ashton went on about it the faster the anger bubbled inside Calum.
"Because I miss her!" Calum snapped. "Because I can't do anything but think about her and what I'd give to see her smile at me again!"
Ashton raised his eyebrows at Calum's sudden outburst.
Calum's chest rose and fell quickly with each breath he took to steady himself.
"So, yes. I'm angry. Because I'm miserable and she's out having fun with him." Calum admitted. "Because every time she walks in the room I can't breath and she doesn't even look my way." He gritted his teeth as he glared at Ashton. "Because I lay awake at night aching for her when she's six feet from me asleep on his chest."
"So, you won't talk to her because of Niall?" Ashton inquired, buried annoyance with Calum's behavior over the past few weeks finally surfacing.
"Because she replaced me with him." Calum spat. "Because I can't even sit next to her anymore. He's always there. Always rubbing it in my face."
"Did you consider that he's here because Sienna wanted to see her best friend?" Ashton wondered. "That it wasn't just to piss you off?"
"He has been here for weeks."
"Because she needs him!" Ashton shouted, his voice suddenly full of anger. It made Calum feel like a child scolded by his father. "Honestly, do you think he would've flown halfway across the world unless it was important?" He composed himself before he spoke again. "I was there," He told Calum. "the night she called him. I saw how much she missed you. I saw how hurt she was. I held her as she cried over you."
Calum's shoulders sank from their defensive stance. His rock hard expression faltered. He let his head fall.
Guilt washed over him. He let out a sigh.
"He is here because she needed him. Like it or not, she will continue to need him until you talk to her and you two finally move past this." Ashton told him. "Maybe you should man up and apologize to her if you really miss her, instead of sitting here pouting because she's happy with her friend."
"How can I?" Calum argued. "They're practically attached at the hip! I'll never get a word in without him budding in!"
"I won't send him away because you're jealous and too full of pride to talk to her!" Ashton snapped, his voice full of authority and dwindling patience.
Calum didn't respond.
Ashton sighed. He composed himself once again and prayed Luke and Michael hadn't heard their conversation. He didn't need Luke to beat Calum to a pulp right before they went on stage.
"You want to know what I think?" Ashton questioned.
"Not really, but I'm sure you'll tell me anyway." Calum grumbled.
"I think you miss her and she misses you and you both think you're okay without each other." Ashton admitted. "And you're both hiding behind that lie because neither of you will admit that you're falling apart."
"Yeah, she's falling apart alright." Calum rolled his eyes.
He knew Ashton's words were true. Telling himself he was fine and time would erase his feelings for Sienna wouldn't make it so.
He just couldn't wrap his head around Sienna being miserable when she seemed to be perfectly fine and happy even.
Ashton sent Calum another glare.
"I don't see you bitching at her about this." Calum retorted, trying to take the attention off of himself and place it on Sienna. "She made mistakes too, you know."
"I'm willing to bet she's bitched at herself enough."
"And I haven't?" Calum hissed.
"So talk to her."
"I can't." Calum gasped. "She thinks I'm just some asshole who wants to play games with her. Besides, I'll never get her away from Niall."
"Stop with the excuses." Ashton snapped. "What's the real reason? What are you so afraid of?"
"She tried to talk to me and I was a dick." He admitted. "I don't think she'll forgive me."
"How will you ever know if you don't try?"
"What if this is for the best?" Calum questioned. "We aren't together and we aren't supposed to be. Maybe it's supposed to be this way."
"We've been mates for years." Ashton told him. "As long as I've known you, you've never even been interested in a girl. Let alone fallen in love." He continued, putting a hand on Calum's shoulder.
Have I fallen in love, Calum wondered. Is this what love feels like? How am I supposed to know what love feels like if I've never felt it?
"It's your decision. You can bury your feelings, move on, and let this tension between the two of you get worse." Ashton suggested. "You can talk to her about this and if nothing comes of it, then you can go back to being friends." He listed the second option. "Or you can take a chance on the first girl you've ever fallen for and see where it goes."
Calum met his eyes. Ashton had a way of providing reassurance. He could give you a newfound sense of faith that everything would work itself out in the end.
He knew Ashton was right. He had to do something. Doing nothing was getting them nowhere. If anything, doing nothing was driving them further apart.
Calum huffed before walking away from Ashton.
"You know I'm right." Ashton said as Calum was leaving. "You have to talk to her."
~~~~~~
"I promise you Dirty Dancing is better than Footloose!" Michael exclaimed.
"No." Sienna laughed. "Footloose is number one for me."
The two had been so caught up in their argument over the best dancing-based movie they hadn't noticed Calum looming by the door.
"That's not a fight you can win, Mike." Calum spoke up with a low chuckle.
Sienna and Michael turned their heads in his direction quickly.
"But she's wrong!" Michael groaned.
"She took dancing lessons as a kid because of how much she loved Footloose." Calum told him with a grin, his eyes flickering to Sienna's for a brief moment. "Give it up."
He's smiling, Sienna realized. Actually smiling.
A smile tugged at her lips and his smile tugged at her heart.
"Fine." Michael threw his hands up in defeat. "I still think Dirty Dancing is better." He stuck his tongue out at Sienna to make her laugh.
"Mike, could you give us a minute?" Calum asked calmly, his eyes remained on Sienna even as he spoke to Michael.
"Um, sure..." Michael gave Calum a curious glance. "I'll just go irritate Luke."
With that, Michael left. It was just the two of them.
I wonder if this will turn into a fight, Sienna thought. It's been weeks. If time was going to make it easier to talk to each other, this is when we would know.
Calum cleared his throat in the silence that fell upon them. He scratched his neck nervously.
He's nervous, Sienna noted. He never gets nervous.
"So..." Calum started. "How've you been?"
"Better." She willed herself to meet his eyes. "Better since Niall got here."
Calum felt like he'd been slapped, but what had he expected? He knew Niall came to the rescue because he had hurt Sienna.
"I can tell." He admitted with a small smile despite the blow he'd just taken. "You've been smiling more lately." He added. "Used to smile at me like that."
Sienna's face dropped. Calum knew immediately he shouldn't have said that.
Nice, he scolded himself. Real nice.
"You don't have nightmares anymore." He blurted out, hoping to save the conversation.
Sienna furrowed her brows and placed her eyes back on his.
Where did that come from, she wondered.
"What makes you say that?"
"I..." He suddenly felt embarrassed and vulnerable. His confidence fleeing. "I don't hear you at night." He said truthfully. "You don't call for me anymore."
Oh, she thought. He thinks Niall stopped the nightmares because I don't cry out for him.
"They still come." She said sadly. "Niall wakes me before they get too bad."
Calum literally winced at her words. He felt as if she had knocked the air out of his lungs.
That was my job, Calum thought. She doesn't need me anymore.
At least when he'd thought the nightmares stopped, he thought Sienna would still call out for him if they did come back; that she would still want him to comfort her more than anyone. Now, he knew he was wrong to think such a thing.
Sienna felt guilty. She could see him piecing things together and how much each realization hurt him.
She didn't know what to say to make him feel better. She wondered if she even should want him to feel better. After all, she'd been hurting over him for weeks now. She should want him to hurt and miss her.
But here he was.
Looking at her as if she'd taken everything from him.
She didn't want him to hurt. She wanted him to smile. She wanted to give in to that voice in the back of her mind that told her to kiss him every time she saw his dimples.
She wanted him to be happy. Even if it meant they had to go back to being just friends.
"So, how have you been?" She asked softly, trying to revive the conversation.
"About as good as I look."
Sienna took in his appearance. He was dressed for the stage, dark clothes and dark hair fixed the way he liked, but his features showed exhaustion. He looked drained. His eyes were bloodshot. His usually broad, tall shoulders were slumped slightly. For a moment, she wondered how long it had been since the last time he'd slept well.
"Enna-" Calum started quietly, reaching out for her hand.
She pulled away from him before she could feel his touch. If they must go back to being friends, she couldn't continue to ache for his touch. No need to reopen that wound; to remind her how his touch made her feel, as if she could forget the way his touch sent electricity through her body.
It hurt her to pull away from him. It broke her heart to see the look on his face when she did.
"You know," Sienna sniffled. "I think I'll go see if David needs-"
She turned to leave; to rush quickly out of the room and find a quiet place to cry.
As she was leaving, she felt a warm touch wrap around her arm. The warmth of his skin, his calloused, guitar player's fingers brushing her skin, the familiarity of the gesture made her close her eyes.
She took a deep breath and turned to face him, but she allowed his touch to remain on her arm. She didn't dare pull away from him again.
A part of her wished that when he'd stopped her, when she'd turned to face him, he'd pulled her into a strong embrace and a deep kiss before she could argue it. She wished he'd slammed his lips onto hers and taken fistfuls of her shirt in his hands as he clung to her desperately.
The thought sent shivers down her spine.
Calum saw the tears in her eyes. He wanted to do whatever it took to make them disappear.
"Sienna, I hate this." He told her with a sigh. "I hate us being this way."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Do you..." He began, but his emotions clouded his mind. He couldn't find the right words. "Miss me?" He choked out. "Do you hate me?"
"Does this look like the face of someone who hates you, Calum?" She asked, wiping away tears that escaped. "You reach for my hand for the first time in weeks and I burst into tears." She scoffed.
At least she doesn't hate me, Calum wanted to cheer.
"I just...I can't stand here and pour my heart out when I know you can't see anything more for us than just sneaking around." She explained. "I don't want to constantly wonder what's going on between us."
"Sienna-"
"You want to go back to sleeping in my bed with me, then going out in public and hitting on other girls in front of me?" She asked him sadly. "I can't go back to that, Calum. I want more than that. So, it doesn't matter how I feel. It's pointless."
Calum didn't know what to say. He hadn't expected her to be so blunt. He knew she forgave him for hitting on that waitress as a diversion from his feelings for her.
He also knew that meant this was just her way of getting more out of him. She wanted a relationship. She wanted him to tell her he wanted the same. He knew this. The idea scared him.
He had never opened himself up to be hurt. The only people who could hurt him were Luke, Michael, and Ashton. He knew they would never do anything to hurt him. They were his brothers.
The idea of giving his heart to Sienna, of giving her the power to hurt him, terrified him.
He had longed for her for weeks, but he didn't know if he was ready yet.
He worried he didn't know how to have a relationship. He worried he would hurt her. Millions of scenarios ran through his mind of things that could go wrong if he took the risk.
Sienna stared up at him, waiting for a response.
He stared into her blue eyes and thought he might fall to his knees.
I think I love you, he wanted to tell her. But I'm afraid.
Sienna realized he didn't have an answer to give her. She blinked back more tears, swallowed the lump in her throat, and pushed her hair away from her face. She let out a sigh.
"I should go."