When the Avengers caught sight of Loki dragging himself into the room, none of them could hide their shock. Bruce and Tony showed the most amount of emotion; concern, guilt and worry heavy in their eyes. Even Clint looked perturbed, watching the god carefully, as though too intense of a gaze would break the man. Steve watched his movements attentively, tense and ready to get up should he suddenly collapse. The possibility looked unpleasantly high. Natasha showed the least amount of emotion, as always, but she couldn't maintain her normally blank face even then. Here was the god, who could twist words into daggers and stab them where they would hurt the most. And he currently looked like speaking would cost too much energy.
Tony rose from his armchair, offering it to Loki, who gratefully sagged into it. His legs felt far too weak and wobbly. He decided to sit cross-legged instead. Despite his generally high tolerance to the cold—something he owed to his true heritage— he couldn't help but shiver slightly; this room was much colder than his.
"So," Steve started awkwardly. "We wanted to talk about some things."
Loki didn't respond, he merely looked at the floor. He could feel his focus fading slightly, black spots speckling his vision. But he couldn't let them see his weakness. He forced himself to look up, a movement that made the room swim around slightly.
"So we've noticed that you haven't really had much interaction with people whilst you've been here." The Captain's voice sounded as though he was underwater, but still Loki forced himself to listen as much as he could. Natasha however noticed him fading off slightly. She saw the slightly glazed look in his eyes, and how much effort it took for him to keep his head up. She whispered something to Tony, who nodded and headed out of the room. She drew herself back to the conversation.
"—and you don't seem to be coping with the work."
"I've been doing everything you have commanded me to do. Is that not enough?" His voice sounded awful. And by the way Loki cringed slightly at the sound of it, Natasha figured he knew it too.
"No it's not that, it's just—"
"It's just that you seem more exhausted than usual. You're getting really tired during and after it. We're just concerned." Steve sent Bruce a thankful smile for the save.
"I assure you I am well."
Tony returned just then, offering a glass of lukewarm water to Loki. He took it skeptically and peered at it.
"It's just water, Loki." Natasha said.
"Have you added anything?" Tony shook his head in answer. Loki cautiously sipped the drink, which soon grew into desperate gulping. Water spilt onto his clothes, but it seemed the god had no care for how he looked in that moment.
"You want more?" A timid nod followed.
"So, Loki," Bruce continued,"we've noticed you look a bit unwell. Steve said you almost fainted in a corridor one day?"
"I didn't almost faint. I was just confused for a moment. This tower has a rather complex infrastructure, considering its size." Natasha could see the lie in his eyes. And when the god of lies gets bad at lying, that's something to be worried about.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to return to my quarters. If that'll be all?" Loki hoped they couldn't hear the slight tremble in his voice.
"Yes, of course. Go ahead, Loki." The group watched him shuffle out of the room before turning to Natasha.
"What do you think?"
"Why me?"
"Because you analyse everyone during conversations. Even me." Clint joked. But there was some truth to that.
"Well yes I was analysing him."
"And?"
"There's something wrong with him. First he sort of curled up on himself whilst sitting cross-legged. He's scared. Secondly, did you see that small little shiver earlier? Thor says he has a much lower core body temp than us because he's a Frost Giant. If he was cold whilst we were all completely fine, there's a problem. He kept zoning out as well—"
"I noticed that!" Clint piped up.
Natasha sent him a glare before continuing. "He kept zoning out and losing focus, and it seemed like it took a lot of energy just to keep his head up. He got incredibly defensive when you said you thought he wasn't coping, Steve. And he barely even hid that lie about being confused. The way he chugged all that water? It's like he hasn't had any for a good year. And judging from his sudden departure, I'll bet he's sitting in his room crying right now judging from how choked up he almost got."
"So in short..."
"In short, we've got a very messed up god on our hands."
Tony chose that moment to walk in with another cup of water.
"Hey, where's Reindeer Games?"
***
Natasha's hypothesis had been right. Curled up into a ball in the corner of his room, bony knuckles deathly pale from clutching his knees so tightly, Loki took painful shuddering breaths in between sobs that seemed to echo around the empty room. Swells of emotions crashed together in waves, brewing a violent sea storm. He hated how weak he was, and how obvious it was to those saintly Avengers. He was weak—weak and pathetic and useless and fat and disgusting and he hated himself, hated himself more than when he threw himself from the Bifrost, more than he'd ever done so before.
Weak little runt, pathetic little Jotun-
Master Thanos will be so please to hear how easily you break—
A pain settled in his chest and suddenly he couldn't breathe—
Phantoms
Phantoms lay
beneath my eyes
I will haunt your nightmares Asgardian. Every moment you breathe I will be there—
Phantoms lay beneath my eyes and they will
RISE—
Why continue to exist when the only truth is how much joy your death would bring to your family?
His chest burnt—burnt and he was dying, and for once he was almost happy, he would have the peace he'd wanted for so long, long before his fall to the Void—
"Loki!"
***
It was the call from JARVIS that had them all running to the god's room a mere few seconds before. Tony charged in first, greeted by the sight of a room plunged into darkness, a quivering figure sobbing in the corner. Turning on the lights, he could see the eyes red and swollen from crying, tears running down his cheeks. But it was the sound of how little he was breathing that worried him. He was wheezing almost, barely drawing in breath, a complete contrast to when he'd been hyperventilating only a month before.
"Loki!" Tony shook his shoulders desperately, but it didn't work. "Ideas anyone?"
"Tony, move." Natasha walked forward unexpectedly, face set in a familiar determined look. She knelt down, trying to make eye contact with the frenzied god.
"Loki, Loki look at me," she forced his face towards her. Terrified green orbs stared wide-eyed back at her. "Good, good. You're having a panic attack, it's ok. Try and breathe, try and breathe with me."
Loki shook his head—leave me here let me die why can't you see that leave me be—
"Loki, remember Thor?"
Thor Thor—
Brother!
Sunshine, brother, magic, covers
Sunshine, brother, magic, covers
The smallest amount of oxygen trickled into his lungs, and suddenly the pain in his chest alleviated slightly. He wanted it to do so more, more than this. He wanted to see Thor again, he hadn't in so so long—
Sunshine, brother, magic, covers
"Yes, Loki! Keep breathing—come on you can do it. Breathe in and out. In and out."
The Avengers watched the pair, Natasha calm and collected and Loki, wheezing much less than before, and before they knew it his deep breaths exploded into loud sobs as he curled up on himself.
Natasha didn't know what to do now. She'd dealt with Clint's panic attacks before; they had come in great numbers after the New York attack. She knew her place with him—he was her greatest friend, her closest companion.
But Loki. Loki reminded her of all the red in her ledger, all the crimes she'd committed. How no matter how hard she tried, she'd never be able to wipe all the red out. But seeing him now, gasping in between sobs, shoulders shuddering and shaking. He needed comfort, but she couldn't bring herself to hold him like she would with Clint.
Instead, she stroked a comforting hand through his hair, and pretended that she didn't notice the other Avengers retreat out of the room.