I'm in the kitchen making pancakes for breakfast when I hear James coming down the stairs. He's wearing my Polaroid T-Shirt and my ripped black skinny jeans. He didn't pack any extra clothes so I let him borrow mine. It's not his usual style, but he looks good in anything.
"What are you staring at, Nelson?" he says.
I snap out of my trance and turn my attention back to mixing the pancake batter, "Nelson?"
"Yeah, I figured I should start calling you something different."
"You do know you could just call me babe or something, right?"
"Hearing someone say babe makes me cringe."
"That's a shame," I say before poking his nose, "Babe."
James blushes, "I suppose it's not so bad when you say it."
I chuckle, "I knew you'd come around."
I pour some of the pancake mixture into the frying pan. I attempt to concentrate but the door swings wide open. I turn around to see Spencer enter the house.
"You know you could have knocked, right?" I ask him.
"Nice to see you too," he teases, "I figured it was easier to use my key."
"Are you calling me slow?"
"I dunno, am I?" asks Spencer, grinning.
I shake my head and try and focus on the pancakes.
"That's nice shirt James, I could have sworn I've seen it before... and the jeans," says Spencer.
I take the pancake I've been cooking off of the frying pan and turn the stove off, I can't concentrate.
"James didn't pack any spare clothes," I reply.
Spencer just nods and I can tell he knows what's going on.
"I'll leave you two to eat breakfast," he says, heading upstairs.
I turn the stove back on and begin to cook another pancake.
"What was all that about? You don't think he knows, do you?" asks James.
"I think he does, it's pretty obvious."
James chuckles, "Yeah, it is..." he pauses for a second, "Do you think he'll be accepting?"
"I dunno. I've never really talked to him about my sexuality before. I don't see why he'd have a problem with it though."
James looks concerned.
"Don't worry, I'll talk to him about it later. I'm sure it'll be fine," I reassure him.
Deep down, however, I'm not so sure.
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Once James has gone home I knock on Spencer's door and he tells me to come in. He's sitting on his bed playing games on his laptop.
"Hey," I mumble.
"Hey, what's up?" he says, not looking up from his laptop.
"I think we should talk."
Spencer closes his laptop immediately, he looks just as worried as I am.
"Is everything okay? I was only messing around earlier, I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's okay it's just... well I think you know what's going on."
"Yeah, I think so too. Come here," says Spencer, patting the spot beside him.
I take a seat next to him.
"Remember when you were eight and you changed primary schools?"
"Yeah, mum knew I wasn't enjoying my old one so she let me change."
It meant a lot that my mum did that. She always did her best to make sure that Spencer and I were happy.
"And you were terrified to go there on your first day," Spencer continues.
"Yep."
I almost didn't end up going that day because I was so nervous. It took some convincing but eventually I gave in. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
"But when you came home, you told me you made a friend. That made me so happy."
"I'm sure it did but why is the relevant?"
Spencer chuckles at my question, "Because you couldn't stop talking about him. You kept telling me how handsome he was and that he was smart and kind and that his favourite colour was blue."
"It was red actually."
"See what I mean?"
"Yeah, I see your point," I say, blushing.
To be honest I didn't realise that I had a massive crush on Mark. I can be so oblivious sometimes.
"What I'm trying to say is," Spencer continues, "I've always known you like boys. It never changed anything. You're my brother and I love you no matter what. I'm proud of you."
"Really?"
"Of course I am. But there is something I should tell you."
"Which is?"
I'm beginning to get nervous again.
"James isn't allowed in your room anymore."
"Seriously?"
"Yep. There will be no more slow dancing to The Carpel Tunnel of Love on my watch."
My face goes red when I remember Spencer walking in on James and I dancing.
"You know that song?"
"I may have had an emo phase."
I burst into laughter. Now that he says it I recall a time when he was begging mum to dye his hair jet black. He's also the one who introduced me to Fall Out Boy in the first place.
"Come on, like you didn't have one," he teases.
"You know I miss hanging out with you. It seems like lately you are always at Emmett's house when you aren't at work."
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that."
"You don't need to apologise."
"I do. I miss hanging out with you too. We should go do something tomorrow. Maybe we could go to the old park near the library."
Spencer and I used to go to that park all the time after we moved here, I'm not sure when we stopped going but it's been a while.
"Yeah, that would be cool."
"I'm going to go back to my game, unless there was something else you wanted to talk about?"
"Actually, there is one thing."
I've been putting off telling Spencer this, I kind of convinced myself that I didn't need to. Looking at it now though I realise that it's best we talk about it.
"Go on."
"My dad sent me a friend request on Facebook."
I watch as Spencer's smile fades. I knew he wouldn't be happy about this.
"Oh. Did you accept it?"
"Nope. I didn't want to talk to him."
"I think you should."
"Seriously?"
Spencer lets out a sigh, "Look, I know you're upset that he left, and you have every right to be. But he is your father whether you like it or not. Don't you ever wonder what he's like?"
"Well... yeah. Of course I do. I've just spent all this time wanting to be nothing like him and if I talk to him then I'll find out if I am."
"Would that really be so bad? I know he's done terrible things but that doesn't make him a bad person."
"I suppose not... is it weird that I want him to be?"
"No. I get it, you don't want to like him because of what he did. It's easy to take your anger out on him when all you know about him is that he left us."
"Yeah. I'm sure he's not so bad, it's just easier to assume he is."
Spencer and I both sit there for a moment. I don't think either of us really know what to say.
Suddenly I think of a question, "If you had a chance to talk to your dad would you?"
"Yeah, I would. I've actually tried looking for him before."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I dunno. I didn't want to upset you."
"So what if you did? I could have helped you."
"It doesn't matter."
"Really? I'm sure you could still find him if you looked again."
"I did find him."
"And you didn't reach out?"
"It's a bit hard to do that when he's dead."
It feels like the air has suddenly got heavier. I can't believe I didn't know about this before.
"I'm so sorry," I say in almost a whisper.
"It's not your fault. I found out about it a couple of years ago. It turns out he got into a motorbike accident."
"That sucks."
"Yeah, it does. And hey, it's really up to you whether you talk to your dad or not but I know I'd make the most of that opportunity if I were you."
"Thank you, really. You've helped me a lot."
"No problem."
I walk out of Spencer's room and head to my own, collapsing on the bed when I get there.
I have so many thoughts spinning through my head. I wish Spencer had told me about his dad before, I can't image what that must have been like for him. I know that he never knew him, but it still would have been hard to cope with.
I'm just glad I had that talk with him. I know now what I have to do. I open Facebook on my phone and search Dave Montgomery. I send him a friend request.
I check my other messages and see one from James.
James: I miss you already
It puts a smile on my face.
Me: U 2
I'm about to put down my phone when I get a notification:
Dave Montgomery accepted your friend request.