Words of wisdom ...
Sometimes in life, clouds aren't lined with silver. Inside there's just more cloud.
Frequently, crime does pay. It's getting caught that is the problem.
The truth will not necessarily set you free and in some cases, can get you locked up.*
Take Princess Ashley, who desperately wanted to investigate the ghostly chill on her neck. If she told the guard and Sommelier the truth, that she suspected a Princess-abducting, chardonnay-stealing ghost, there was a decent chance she'd end up in a padded cell wrapped in a white coat with restricted arm mobility.
She would not at all be set free—quite the opposite.
But Ashley had little experience with lying, having been a truthful, kind, non-judgmental servant for most of her life.
"I'll be right up," she said. "I ... uh ... forgot my ... uh ... scepter." Scepter? Okay, this was a pitiful lie. She didn't even own a scepter.
"Princess? I hadn't realized you'd brought a scepter with you," the Sommelier said tactfully. "May I assist in your search?"
The lie, being an utter failure, forced Ashley to think up another way to investigate the ghost without raising questions about her sanity. "Uh, no thanks. I remember now that I left it with the Polishing Department. It was looking rather tarnished. And with all the visiting royals, I wanted my scepter up to snuff. Can't have the dullest scepter in the bunch, right?"
"No, Highness."
"Could you see that a case of chilled chardonnay is sent to the Jacuzzi room?"
"Of course."
"And guard? Please locate Terrowin. I would like him to be in charge of the search for Princess Blanche."
The guard bowed. "Yes, Princess."
Ashley let out a huge breath. At last, she had the wine cellar to herself. Inching across the room with her head bobbing like a pigeon, she concentrated on snatching the icy sensation from the air. But she couldn't find it.
Perhaps she'd imagined the whole thing due to utter exhaustion. As she was about to leave, a frantic scratching sound echoed from behind a rack of wine. Ashley stooped down and peeked beneath the dusty, cobweb-strewn shelves to discover a tiny mouse whose tail pinned in a trap. "Help!" it squealed.
"Oh, poor thing," Ashley squeaked back. She'd ordered the traps to be removed from the kitchen but had forgotten to mention the wine cellar. Extracting the trap from a cobweb, Ashley blew off the dust and pulled the sharp point out of the mouse's tail, managing to prick her finger in the process.
"Eeeeeep," it screeched, bolting off her hand and collapsing on the floor.
"I'm sorry," she said, sucking on her finger, wrinkling her nose at the coppery taste of her blood.
"No, it's okay. Thanks for helping me," the mouse said, its little body twitching. "You're nice. If there's anything I can do in return, let me know."
She smiled down at the mouse. As if something so tiny and vulnerable could solve her problems. But wait! Mice are small. Practically invisible. And they can go anywhere, even squeeze through a hole the size of a shilling. Best part? Most people can't talk to mice, so there was very little chance any humans would find out about her ghost theory. "Actually," Ashley said, "there might be something."
"I'm all ears," it said, wriggling its adorable, velvety ears.
Ashley smiled. "Did you see a princess in here a little while ago? Lips as red as roses. Hair as black as ebony. Skin as white as snow? About yay high? Maybe tussling with an ... um ... ghost?"
"No, but I can get the Third Regiment to scope out the castle for ya if that'd help."
"It would. Thank you! Wait. Mice have regiments?"
"Oh, yeah. You gotta protect your turf, what with the limited resources. The best mates and the stinkiest cheeses don't just show up in your nest if you know what I mean. Anyway, see you later." The mouse scurried through a hole in the stones.
On the way out of the kitchens, the prospect of hope lifting her spirits, Ashley requested a crudité platter with various dips, assorted olives, and fancy nut mix to be delivered to the Jacuzzi room. She gave strict instructions that there be no bread, which was apparently the gluten-fraught culprit so abhorrent to Layyin.
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Steam rose from the heated water, clouding the windows overlooking the garden and blurring the strands of fairy lights floating over the heart-shaped pool. Instead of lemon, the servants had infused the water with rose perfume, which wasn't Ashley's favorite. It reminded her of the evil wallpaper in her bedroom. In turn, this made her think about the bed, the rose petals, the botched seduction, and being left chained to the bed by Charming.
Sadira, Layyin, Derek, and Tressa wore thick white robes and sat at the Jacuzzi's edge, stirring the water with their feet, snacking, and drinking. They'd already finished off two bottles of chardonnay.
Two robes remained on their hooks. Kai's, because she preferred frolicking in the water, and Blanche's, whose absence hung as heavy in the air as the steam.
Kai darted from one end to the other just beneath the cloudy surface. With her otherworldly black and golden hair and silvery-blue scales, the mermaid princess seemed more dream than reality.
Ashley's life sometimes felt like a dream. Like at any time, she would wake up beside the hearth at her Stepmonster's house, covered in soot, body aching, her stepsisters demanding their breakfast.
"Any luck finding Blanche?" Sadira asked, nibbling a carrot.
"Not yet, but I'm sure she'll show up any minute with a story the bards will tell for years to come. A story so good, it'll make Bill Bard's Top Ten List."
"Are there macadamias in that nut assortment?" Layyin said, shoulders drooping. "Mom says I'm allergic."
"I don't think so, but maybe stick to the celery just in case," Ashley said. Poor Layyin. How difficult her life must be when she had to fear things like bread and peas and nuts.
Once everyone had eaten their fill, they removed their robes and joined Kai, slipping into the warm water. Ashley palmed the bottle of Wane & Tail from her pocket before entering.
"Should we learn about each other's likes and dislikes now so that we can drive Charming insane?" Sadira said.
"I've been thinking about that, and I have a better idea. It will help us with item number three on the list of Charming's favorite things." Ashley displayed the bottle of Wane & Tail.
"What is it?" Derek said.
"I like the bottle," Tressa said, holding out her hand. "Is it perfume? Can I try it?"
"No!" Ashley said abruptly, drawing the bottle out of Tressa's reach.
"Wow! Overreact much?"
"Sorry, I just ... I don't know what this would do to you. I only know how it affects males."
"You mentioned item number three?" Derek said, licking his lips. "Take away his sex life. I'd thought we'd settled on that one. None of us will do the nasty with Charming ever again."
"We did," Ashley said. "But I realized something. It's not like Charming is going to stay true to all of his seven spouses by not having sex outside the sacrament of marriages."
Derek sat back with his elbows on the coping. "True. I didn't think of that."
"I didn't either at first. But when I discovered this potion, it got me thinking. Wane & Tail is a potion used on male unicorns, so they don't stray from their mates, and it turns out it has unpleasant effects on male humans as well."
Kai flicked her tail back and forth, which kept her floating in one place. "What effects?"
Ashley blushed. "It turns the man's 'parts' purple, and he is unable to have sex for at least a month."
Derek launched out of the Jacuzzi like a flying fish. "What? As the only male here, I have important body parts to protect!"
Everyone laughed. Ashley jiggled the jar in his direction.
"Not funny," Derek said, as all the princesses laughed. He scowled.
"I'm not wasting this on you, Derek. Don't worry," Ashley teased.
"How does it work?" Sadira said.
"He has to drink it."
Tressa laughed so heartily she ended up releasing a plait of hair from her three-foot-tall bun. It slapped the surface of the water. "Perfect. Ugh!" She squeezed water from the errant tress. "So we just pour it into his morning grog, and it's all taken care of?"
"Exactly," Ashley said.
"I don't mean to be a spoil-sport, but Tressa has a point," Derek said, dropping back into the pool as far from the bottle as he could get. "How exactly do we get it into his grog? I mean, he's off questing. We don't know where he is. And even if we did, how would we get there? And if we got there, how would we manage it? Walk over and dump a magic potion in his drink when he has about a hundred cloying groupies and hangers-on, not to mention mean guards with big swords standing by to throw any nearby poisoners in irons?"
"I didn't say it would be easy," Ashley said. "But come on, we're the prince and princesses of six kingdoms. Seven once Blanche returns. If we can't pull off a little poisoning, who can? Am I right?"
"I think you overestimate our power," Layyin said.
Ashley hit the water with a fist. "I think we underestimate our power. Because that's what HE, nay, EVERYONE, wants us to do."
"Let's allow Ashley to tell us her plan," Sadira said.
"Thank you, Sadira. Okay, as Derek just mentioned, we have four main hurdles: 1. Finding the ... let's call him 'target.' 2. Transportation to the target's location. 3. Getting close enough to the target to abracadabra his drink. 4. Return to Ever After safely."
"Ooooh," Tressa clapped her hands, eyes shining. "I love calling Charming 'the target.' Can we take him to the archery range, stick an apple on his head, and see which of us is the worst shot? I volunteer to go first. I'm sure I can miss the apple and hit a more painful target. Then we won't need the Wane & Tail."
"You're brutal, woman," Derek said.
Tressa socked him in the shoulder. "Aww, you say the nicest things."
"Hey!" Derek rubbed his arm.
Sadira shook her head, the turquoise and ruby maang tikka swaying across her forehead. "Shall we act like adults for a few minutes?"
"She started it," Derek said.
"Ashley, ignore these snoutbands. Keep going," Sadira urged.
"Okay," Ashley said. "As I was saying, first, we locate the target. You all know my pigeon, Domino?"
The royals nodded.
"She will find Charming. She's like a bounty hunter with wings and a spastic colon."
Derek wrinkled his brow. "Spastic, what?"
"She poops a lot," Ashley said.
"Didn't Domino get lost last time?" Layyin asked. "Poor bird."
"I don't think she got lost. Pretty sure she was captured, but I don't know for sure since she won't talk about it."
"Talk?" Derek said. "You talk to pigeons?"
Fear prickled like tiny hailstones pelting her neck. Ashley had been so focused on sharing her plans; she'd forgotten she still had secrets. "Did I say talk? I meant to say she won't squawk about it."
"Let's say I believe you," Derek said, "how do you know she was captured?"
"Because she would never be gone that long on purpose. All you need to know is Domino will find the target quickly. Now, if we can move on. Our second hurdle is transportation." Ashley took a deep breath, hardly believing what she was about to say. "We need to travel at a faster rate than a royal entourage; otherwise, we'll never catch up with him. Horses won't do. And as the only unicorn rider in the group, I volunteer my services."
Derek snorted. "Did something come loose in your head when you crashed the other day? Do you even remember what happened? Let me remind you. You almost died falling off the back of a flying unicorn."
Ashley rubbed the still sore back of her head. "I haven't forgotten. It's just that it makes the most sense. I'm fully committed to our goal, and if that means risking my life in the name of righteous revenge, I'll do it." She stood, shaking her fist in the air. "If you think about it, I'm kind of a hero. Because this isn't just for us. We're doing it in the name of wronged spouses everywhere!"
Everyone stared. Ashley sat, cheeks blazing. Her first attempt at an inspirational speech hadn't gotten the resounding response she'd hoped for. She chugged a glass of chardonnay.
Then they clapped, and a lovely warmth traveled from her cheeks to her toes. "Beautifully said," Derek piped up.
"Thanks!"
He popped a radish into his mouth. "But it's still a suicide mission."
"Maybe flying a unicorn on a suicide mission is no worse than staying here," Tressa said. "It's obvious someone at the castle wants her dead. Not to mention, a princess has disappeared. At least with the unicorn suicide mission, she'll have the chance to do some traveling before she dies."
"Which is why this plan cannot leave this room. If there is someone who wants to shoot me with an arrow, we don't want to tip off any potential murderers." Assuming that person wasn't in this room. Ashley pinned each royal with a somber gaze. No one looked suspicious.
Layyin shuddered. "Think of the bruises if she falls on a church spire or treetop. Way worse than falling on grass."
"If all we do is worry about getting bruised, we won't accomplish anything. Life gives you bruises. It's only the dead who cannot bruise," Ashley said.
"You're right," Layyin whispered.
Ashley's eyes widened. "I am?"
"Yes. I have to stop being afraid of everything. That does it. I'm coming with you."
Ashley's heart flipped. "Layyin, no. It's too dangerous."
"But you just said ..."
"Maybe you should start with something small. Like eating a macadamia nut."
"Are you trying to kill me?" Layyin said.
Ashley rolled her eyes. "If I were trying to kill you, I'd encourage you to come with me and learn how to do a handstand on the back of a flying unicorn as we pass over an active volcano, not eat a nut."
Layyin folded her arms over her chest. "You can't stop me from going."
"I'm pretty sure I can. I'm allowed to go off on a half-cocked mission, but no way am I risking anyone else. Plus, it'll be easier to sneak in one princess than two."
"I'll go," Derek said. Everyone turned to him. "What? I'm not a princess. You said it was hard to sneak in two princesses. You didn't say anything about sneaking in one princess and one prince."
"Have you ever flown a unicorn?" Ashley said.
"God's nails. Never? Do you think I'm a dalcop?
"You want to fly a unicorn without any training," Ashley raised her eyebrows. "I'm pretty sure if you look up 'dalcop' in the dictionary, the definition is 'Prince Derek.'"
Derek laughed. "Touchè. I knew I liked you!"
"Look, guys, I appreciate all the offers to help, but can't you see taking an untrained unicorn flyer on the mission would be a hindrance?"
Selecting a celery stick from the platter, Tressa brandished it at Ashley as if it were a weapon. "Oh, and exactly how many flights have you taken? From the looks at the crash site, I'd say not many."
Ashley examined her chewed fingernails. She'd totally neglected her beauty regimen. "One." Everyone laughed, and she couldn't hold back a burgeoning smile. "Hey, it's infinity times better than zero."
"Let's say you safely fly to the target's location," Derek said. "What's the rest of your ... let's call it a 'plan?' How do you avoid the mean guards with pointy swords?"
"I will disguise myself as a man, infiltrate the entourage, subtly contaminate his drink, stay to ensure the results, and report back on my extremely safe unicorn." That I will have to steal from under Gerald's nose, she did not add.
Kai gasped. "Wearing men's clothes is illegal."
"Only if you get caught," Ashley said. The room erupted in laughter, and suddenly Ashley knew what it meant to have friends. "I'll leave as soon as I know where to go. Alone. And if I'm not back in 24 hours, you can send out the cavalry."
The Royals didn't look wholly convinced, but they didn't argue further. If she succeeded, the upside was too good to pass up. They all knew it.
Once they left, Ashley took a final look out the window at the night sky to see the clouds basking in the silver moonlight like a beguiled lover.
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* For example, a friend spends her last dollar buying you a pair of neon-orange Crocs for your birthday. Or, your wife asks: "do these pants make me look fat?" Your three-year-old nephew draws a picture of you that looks like a deranged snowman. The appropriate response to these three examples should be: I always wanted orange Crocs; you have the body of a supermodel, and you're going to be the next Picasso. All lies, but better than saying: I wouldn't be caught dead in those; Maybe you shouldn't have had that second banana split; or, I know elephants that draw better than you.
You had no idea this book would be a treatise on morality, did you?
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