"the person who tries to keep everyone happy often ends up feeling the loneliest" unknown
☁
As Dean drove down the familiar streets, with the same cracks and blemishes that Cas remembered, it gave him a sense of deja vu. It was all familiar. Except, going down the same road he noticed different things from a different angle. He was going backwards from his path the previous hour.
No words were spoken after what Cas had said. It also put a different angle on their situation. Dean had said previously that he needed a break, and that woman helped him relax. But at the same time, it made him more stressed. Whenever he had sex with another woman, more and more guilt went on his shoulders. He wasn't sure why, it just didn't feel right. He felt as if his body belonged to someone else.
He shrugged it off and continued looking at the road. The rain started to cascade more down Baby's windshield and he used the wipers rapidly. He had both hands on the steering wheel because he wanted to make sure not to crash.
At that moment, Dean didn't care if he crashed. The guilt he felt messed with his brain, and he couldn't think straight. But, the man sitting next to him was innocent. He couldn't hurt him. Dean loved Cas. Cas was like a brother in a womb. He couldn't quite love him yet since they were separated. There was one thing separating Dean and Cas. It was that Cas didn't understand him, and Dean didn't understand Cas.
Dean was a man, who never understood angel's characteristics. He didn't know what it was like to be dictated by a much higher power. He didn't have powers or infinite intellectual abilities.
Cas was an angel, who now needed to learn human's characteristics. He didn't know what it was like to not have to be dictated or controlled. He didn't have a human father or a creative mind.
But, both of their lives were too similar. They just couldn't realize it. Both of them are controlled by someone who terrified them. Both of them loved to be free. Both of them loved each other. The thing separating them was unrealized similarity.
There were so much about each other that they didn't know, and things about themselves that they didn't know. Cas didn't know his grace was growing back faster than normal, and Dean didn't know there was a void in his heart that was missing somebody. Cas didn't know what it was like to fall in love, and Dean didn't know what it was like to not fall in love easily. Cas has never felt pleasure from another individual and he didn't know what he was missing.
Cas wanted to fall in love someday. He just didn't know if he has fallen in love yet. He didn't know the feeling that he felt in the bottom of his heart.
Dean pulled into the driveway of the bunker, the rain getting harder and harder. He stepped out and pulled his jacket over his head, Cas stepped out too and Dean helped him. The rain got on Cas' pants his shoes got muddy, Dean had put the jacket over the both of them. It was a bit cliche, to be honest.
Their shoulders brushing together, Dean was the first to look over at Cas, his plump lips together and his eyelashes sparkled with water droplets. Cas then looked over too, his electric blue eyes were then fully revealed. Their eyes were locked together, and their noses almost brushed. Dean's green eyes scattered around Cas' face, looking at his stubble, with his perfect skin and delicate nose. Cas stared at Dean's scattering eyes, and then with one quick motion, he looked down at his lips.
It was like the world was in half speed, and only their movements were with actual time. Dean wanted to do something in this moment. Cas was so perfect and he didn't deserve somebody like Dean. The unrealized similarity was back, because Cas felt the exact same way. Even though Dean had sinned much more than Cas had, Cas still knew Dean was perfect in every way possible.
They both looked back up at each others eyes at the same time. All of the sudden, Cas' eyes struck with an even brighter blue, and his chest and around his heart flashed a color too.
Dean backed up quickly, startled by Cas. Cas tilted his head in confusion and looked at Dean the same way. Then, he saw in the reflection of Dean's eyes. Cas' grace was almost healed.
Castiel slightly levitated from the concrete ground, and lightning struck around the bunker. Rain cascading even more and heavy drops of water soaked Dean. He stood there in shock. Utter and complete shock. It was like he day he met Castiel.
His wings expanded from his back and an evanescence fear grew inside of Dean like an exceeding weed. The luminance enlarged over Cas and the man below him put his elbow over his face.
Dean then looked at Cas' wings.
The bone structures of the wings were fractured and torn. The feathers growing below the wings were frail and delicate. The light glowing from him made the shadow of his wings cast onto a building behind them. Dean's mouth was agape, and he was terrified.
He witnessed Cas doing this before but it wasn't as dramatic as this one was. It was like a bird finally being lifted up to fly. The mother helping it slowly as the baby looked up to the clouds, ready to soar across the sky and finally be free.
The angel did feel free, but it wasn't as anybody expected it to be. His wings coming out of his back made him feel a way that he hasn't felt in weeks. Looking back at them, he sees the scars he's developed overtime. From stabbings to falling, the scars eventually faded. But, his feathers were so damaged that it seemed like it couldn't grow.
He was disappointed on how broken his body has become. All across his legs and thighs, there were tender cuts and bruises. On his arms and shoulders, there were scrapes and scratches. Anybody who would see them would be terrified. He's broken his vessel. He's broken Jimmy Novak and he's broken his family. Where were Jimmy's wife and daughter? Making posters of him, looking for him?
Did they know that he was possessed by a weak angel who was slowly falling in love?
Looking up to the night sky, he saw the clouds stretched like cotton. With just one grasp of his fingertips, he could fly up there, touch them, and feel the texture of the water absorbed in the air. It could be so easy to go back up to heaven and see his family. But, they would know all he's done, where he was, and who he was with. They wouldn't love him, because he wasn't one of them.
It's all so simple... if somebody isn't like you then they can't like you. The angels can't love humans because they aren't like them. But, humans had such impeccable love for one another that it always made them think. What was it like to love something with indescribable differences? What was it like to love a sinner?
The angels didn't like humans, however. They hated their imperfections and their selfishness. The beings only looked at humans outsides and looked at their tongues. They could only use their senses to feel what they were like. But, angels didn't have a sense that made them feel what was going on inside a human. Love, jealousy, weakness, self hatred and all of the things that made humans, well, humans.
Cas tried to soar, but his wings were too weak. It couldn't support him up and in an impetuous manner, he fell. The lights radiated from him dimmed to nothing and his body collapsed onto the concrete road. He fell on his side and yet another scar would soon start to form.
The shocked man quickly scrambled over to Castiel's side. Cas' face was bleeding from the forehead and his eyes were still the azure blue he saw yet before. With a blink of an eye, his eyes turned back to the baby bird blue. No longer did Cas feel like he could soar.
But, looking at the eyes of the righteous man, he felt as if he could do anything. He felt like he could more than just fly. Dean cradled Castiel's back in his arms and looked at him with such worry. It almost made Cas melt at the sight of Dean's doe eyes.
With a quick motion, Dean hoisted him up and slowly stood up with him. Holding him so he wouldn't fall again.
"Are you okay, Cas?" Dean asked in a reassuring voice, the voice that Cas hadn't heard since they left the bar.
"I... yes." Castiel had to think for a moment. He finally regained his balance and let go of the hand he realized he was desperately holding on to.
They went inside the bunker and they saw the empty foyer. A tiny sigh of relief went out of Dean's mouth. He was glad that they didn't wait on him.
They went down the familiar steps with a loud clanking noise. Cas clung his hand on the rail while Dean trailed behind him. Dean went with Cas to his room.
Cas titled his head as Dean shut the door. As the man turned around to face Cas again, they were in the same position that they were outside. Their noses almost touched and their eyes fluttered to look at each other. Dean was the one who took a step back.
"I-I.. I just don't know what to say." Dean said, sounding flabbergasted. His hands went in a motion Cas didn't really understand. Two of his fingers touched his forehead and quickly jolted back, with an empty palm extending out.
"It appears that my grace is forming at a much faster pace than usual."
"Wha-what.. why?" Dean stuttered on his words. It was a normal thing to do when he was either confused or angry.
"I am not sure. Possibly that human emotions are getting the best of me. Everything about my grace is telling me not to do anything human. But, it is so hard to, Dean. It is very strenuous. Perhaps that my grace is trying to heal faster because I am now human."
"But... you haven't sinned, have you?"
Cas put his lips together, "Yes I have. When you left, I felt angry. I felt jealous that you weren't there for me, Dean. I have sinned, now. I'm human."
The last two words Cas had finally spoken out loud were like chains and shackles breaking. Cas actually smiled. His eyes went soft as he looked at Dean. But his grin weakened as Dean's eyebrows narrowed.
"Why are you happy about this?"
"Dean, I am free. I can do whatever I want. Neither my brothers nor my Father are controlling me. As a human, I have free will."
Hours later, everybody woke up. Dean had decided to go to bed after they talked for a little while. Cas had taken a shower and by the time he got out, it was dawn. The sun was slowly rising and an orange canvas was now displayed.
He dried himself off and looked in the fogged up mirror. He saw himself, and he couldn't stop smiling. The crevices in his eyes crinkled and his cheeks puffed out and turned pink. After he told Dean that he was human. It was official.
But, his happiness all changed when he heard the yell of a kind of familiar voice in the room next to him.
"Dean, you dumbass! Wake up! You've been gone all night just to go come and sleep, lazy bastard!" It was John who yelled that.
Cas' smile then turned into a frown. John Winchester had no right to say that to Dean. If anybody was 'lazy' then it would be him. He was on a hunting trip for a few months and came to crash the whole bunker and ruin everybody's moods.
Cas then heard a loud groan of tiredness from a now familiar voice. Cas stepped out of his room and saw the door creaked a small bit to see John standing over Dean in his bed, who was still trying to sleep.
He nonchalantly stepped into the other man's bedroom and saw Dean bundled up in his blanket and bed, forcefully shutting his eyes. Cas' hands were at his sides but they soon came up to put a hand on John's shoulder.
"Sir," Cas said respectively, "I understand that you want Dean to wake up. But, he is very exhausted."
A blow to Castiel's face made him fall on the ground. John had punched him in the cheek and Cas hit the doorframe.
Dean saw it happened, because he heard what Cas said and decided to open his eyes. His blood immediately went up an octave of temperature. Dean threw his blanket off his bed and pushed John against the wall. Dean looked in his eyes and saw pure anger. It made Dean flashback on all of the things that he has ever said or ever done to Dean.
"Get out." Dean said in two clear syllables. John snarled and he actually decided to leave.
Sam and Bobby had woken up and saw John pack up.
As he was stepping out of the door, he looked down at Dean who was looking up to John and his eyes seemed as if they flashed red from anger.
There was so much good that John had done, but there seemed to be more bad. He ruined Sam and Dean's lives, in reality.
"You were never my son." But, those words that John spoke just then, were the worst action that he had ever done.