Chapter Forty Eight
It wasn’t easy, realising you were wrong, that your world had fallen apart because of something YOU did, for years Dylan had hidden behind Matilda, blaming her for everything that had happened, she had moved on, forged ahead without him, and he’d never been good enough. Had he honestly believed that? His mother’s word? That was convenient, he never bothered to listen to her the rest of his life, yet on the most important decision of his life, he’d gone to her...and believed her. That anger had fuelled the hatred towards what Matilda had done as he’d surged emotionlessly into huge business decisions, and that had seen him reap huge rewards. If he’d returned to her after Hong Kong he’d never be where he was now personally, but where would THEY be? For SO long his success had meant everything. But now, it meant nothing. He’d give it all up for her, every penny. Because his last truly happy memories had been those few sparse years of their marriage, and the weekend they’d spent together a few weeks earlier.
And for all his self pity, his misplaced anger, his distraction from the truth, all the while, the real victim of everything was suffering on SO many levels. He had to find her. Firstly he had to tell her he was sorry, listen as she’d wanted him to, talk, understand. Did he deserve another chance? He hung his head at that, probably not. But he wanted more than anything to tell her that he loved her, to have the chance to show her that he was sorry.
Dropping his head to his desk in frustration, he only wished it was that easy. He was struggling to deal with the fact he’d lost everything because he’d been stubborn, childish, selfish.
No one knew where Matilda was. It had taken him five days to track down a number for her father...or rather after four days; he found out that Gareth Davies, her brother, worked at a bank in Chiang Mai. And he’d just hung up on his ex brother-in-law who frankly had little to say to him, and was quick to remind him of how he’d disappeared so dramatically causing chaos in his wake. A few days earlier and Dylan would have taken that bait, shouted and screamed back, justified things...but he didn’t.
“Will you ask her to call me Gareth? If you won’t let me speak to her.”
Gareth laughed, “speak to her? Call her? I haven’t seen her in the flesh for over a year, and other than the odd emails we don’t speak that often.”
“She said she was coming to you, taking a holiday.”
A firm denial came down the line, “she had never visited here, though I invite her every holiday. Given up asking. Do the right thing Wallace...leave her alone.”
Dylan shook his head uncaring that he couldn’t see that, “no way. I love her Gareth, and I will do ANYTHING to make her realise that. If you see her tell her that!”
He looked at the phone that he’d slammed onto the receiver, he had no plan B. Sarah hadn’t heard from Matilda, he’d begged that information out of her friend, and had had to confess his intentions to her in great detail. Telling an employee that he was in love with her boss was something he thought he’d find embarrassing, or even humiliating, but it was quite liberating. He had a feeling he’d have to get used to humiliating himself, because there was no way that Matilda would roll over and make things easy for him. That was IF he found her, and IF she gave him the time of day when he did.
Picking up the phone again he called Brandy, she was still in town and she was always him most reliable asset.
“Book me a flight to Thailand ASAP.”
“Have you found her?” Brandy asked optimistically.
“No,” he groaned, “but I’ve spent days here trying to find her, I can’t sit here doing nothing any longer. If I’m there, I at least feel I’m doing SOMETHING.”
He could hear Brandy rustling papers, “do you know that she definitely went to Thailand?”
“No.” Dylan hated the defeated sound in his own voice. “I’ve tried contacting a few PI’s, seeing if anyone can shed some light. But no one has got back to me.”
“Leave it with me...I’ll call you as soon as I can...start packing.”
An hour later he’d filled a suitcase, it was years since he’d taken time off, a holiday of sorts. Whilst that wasn’t what this was, he had to go, he had to see her, this wasn’t a whim, a luxury, sometime away. This was necessity, he had to find her, and then take as long as was necessary to convince her that he was what she wanted, the man she needed. It could take weeks...and he was willing to let everything go to rack and ruin at work, if that was what it took. That was the harsh truth of it...too little too late.
As he closed his bag he stood up stunned. The penny finally dropped. That was it. He’d been willing to let her go to make his fortune, Matilda hadn’t been enough, he’d felt HE needed more...suddenly he knew that had been his biggest mistake. It HADN’T been enough, being successful, being rich hadn’t made him happy, he didn’t have fun, he didn’t run along the riverbank holding hands in the rain, he didn’t laugh at old movies, he didn’t have tickle fights in bed on a Sunday morning, or come home to a home smelling of some delicious treat, to a woman who’d walk on hot coals to make him happy, none of that happened anymore, and he slept alone. Every night since he’d left for Hong Kong.
She must hate him, he had to face up to that, she could slap him, turn him away. But he had to tell her that he was sorry, that he hated himself for how he’d treated her, that he was a selfish, childish bastard. Suddenly he found it hard to hold his head up high, all that he thought he stood for was a lie.
Back in his office he was loading his laptop and tablet into his travel bag, when the door burst open, “call me THE best PA a man can have and I might just share this with you.” Brandy was beaming, waving a piece of paper from the doorway.
“What is it?” When she put a hand to her ear waiting for the compliment he groaned, “you KNOW you’re the greatest, stop fishing for compliments and give me that, whatever it is or I’ll bloody sack you!”
That made her laugh, and handing him the single page she smiled, “credit card used in the Prip Khan Resort, Hua Hin.”
He looked a little blank and she smiled, “it’s a coastal resort a couple of hours south of Bangkok.” Reaching in her other pocket she handed him another piece of paper. “British Airways to Bangkok from Heathrow, in four hours, with a transfer to the resort on arrival.”
“How did you...”
She grinned, “got a contact who can tap into banking systems...completely illegal so I won’t say anything else, other than there’s a car on the way to take you to Heathrow.”
With a knowing smile she turned to leave, but him calling her name caused her to stop in her path, turning she found herself swamped by a bear hug from her boss, the first time she’d ever felt his emotional fragility. When they pulled apart she smiled at him,” don’t screw this up, ok?”
He nodded, staring at her for a long moment, “I owe you...more than a pay rise.”
She laughed, “seeing you like this, finally going for what you believe in, it’s reward enough. Now go.”
At the door he turned back to her, “what if she hates me, tells me to go to hell?”
Brandy walked up and squeezed him hand, “then you come back here and work out how to be the man she wants. And the man that YOU want to be. It’s all you can do. I’ll be here waiting for you, ok?”
His eyes were filled with tears when he smiled down at her, “I don’t know if I can be that man.”
She kissed his cheek, “you ARE that man, you just don’t realise it. Now go.”
As he reached reception a black limo was pulling up at the door, as he made for it, a voice called him and looking back he saw Sarah stood smiling, “bring her back?”
He nodded, gave a nervous smile, then rushed out to the car.
Hua Hin had seemed like a beach paradise when she arrived, but the more that Mattie explored, the more she loved it. She’d found an amazing and cheap restaurant serving freshly caught fish on stilts over the sea, then there were the streets filled with shops, and bars, and restaurants. There were also a lot of ex pats living there, in most places she wandered she'd struck up a conversation with a Brit or at least an English speaker who’d retired out there. Suddenly it was a little easier to fill the evenings. The days were still difficult, as were the night’s when a handsome dark man occupied her every thought, but when she was out socialising, she managed to relax.
Tonight there was a tribute band playing in a bar in town, and she’d decided to go there. A few drinks, some delicious food, then she’d be home and in bed by midnight. Her father had called and emailed her repeatedly, but she was in no rush to head up to Chiang Mai to see him, not yet, not when she was still prone to bursting into tears at every opportunity.
She’d bought so much since she’d been in Thailand, and tonight she dressed in a silk sarong, wrapping it around her body and knotting it behind her neck, her hair had been clipped up onto the top of her head since she’d arrived in the country, it was too hot to do anything else. No makeup, just a single necklace of beads, and shell covered flip-flops, she’d never felt so relaxed, London came with so much pretence, so many rules, as did her job, to be so relaxed and casual made such a difference.
The reception to the hotel was modern, marble, clean, almost sterile. Mattie smiled at the reception staff as she headed out in the direction of the town. The bar that had the band playing was a short walk. She found a table easily, near the small dance floor, and as a waiter approached she ordered a local beer and relaxed. The room got busier, and it was almost ten o’clock when two older women approached and asked to share her table. This happened most nights, and she was always grateful to meet new people.
“So you’re here on your own?”
The two fifty year old American women were bubbly and fun, and for ten minutes had told her all about the trip they’d been planning for ten years. They were old school friends, and this was their big adventure, Japan, Malaysia, Singapore...after Thailand they were going to Cambodia and Vietnam, then home in another six weeks. But as with everyone else she met, the questions about the reasons behind her solo trip were an inevitability.
“My father lives in the North, I’m just relaxing before heading up to the mountains.”
They nodded, “sounds exciting, but a lovely looking girl like you should have a strong man to fight off the attention.” Madge, the blonde of the two nudged her then nodded in the direction of a table across the dance floor, several men sat there, they seemed to be tourists, which wasn’t uncommon and one man in particular kept glancing over.
“I’m not interested Madge, this is a man free holiday!” Mattie protested genuinely uninterested.
They both laughed, “we know that, don’t we Olivia?”
Olivia a glamorous brunette grinned, “both did twenty years of hellish marriage before realising there was more to life than being someone else’s servant. We’ve both been liberated since haven’t we?”
Madge nodded, “you bet. And who knew how popular us cougars could be?”
Mattie groaned, “too much information ladies, please!”
All three laughed. As the band cranked up, Madge and Olivia dominated the dance floor, and all too soon the young male tourists were dancing with them, whooping and hollering as they dirty danced their way around the room.
Mattie ordered a final beer; she’d go back after that, plan her trip to Chiang Mai. As it was placed on the table, the man who’d been watching her earlier lowered himself into Madge’s empty chair.
“Mind if I join you?”
She sighed, this wasn’t what she wanted, “this is my last drink then I’m leaving.”
Shrugging he gestured for the waiter and ordered a beer himself, “I can accept fifteen minutes of sensible company!” He nodded with his head in the direction of the table he’d just left and the other members of his group who were obviously intent on partying.
“They’ve been like this since we left Manchester nine months ago. Some people never grow up!”
Mattie smiled, he was young, a lot younger than her, yet she had to admit he seemed more mature than any of his friends, and he was nothing like her type if she was looking, with his blond hair, blue eyes, and very tanned and muscular. But he had a funny laugh and a dimple in his right cheek when he smiled, so she sat back and stared at him. Grinning he held out a hand, “Paul, Paul Kenton.”
Taking his hand she grinned, “Matilda, Matilda Davies.” The use of her name surprised her, she’d been Mattie for so long, but she had no reason to hide anymore, no reason to be someone else. She was Matilda, and she was proud of that, for the first time in years.
“I was hoping to have company whilst they parole like tomcats. Again.”
She had studied him then grinned, “company I can do, but definitely no more.”
Paul was funny; he sat with her, completely understanding that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. He didn’t question her further, and it wasn’t until then that he admitted that he’d had more than his fingers burned by a woman he’d met in Australia, two months of passion and pleasure had ended when he’d found her in bed with someone else. Whilst they’d only been together a short while, he’d began to think about changing his plans, extending his time travelling to spend time with her, and it had hurt him more than he thought possible. He told her that the first time he cast eyes on her he could sense the same lack of interest in her eyes, the same distrust and pain.
She sighed at that, “I should be happy, I’ve finally got my life back together, I’ve been in the pits of hell for years after a disastrous marriage that ended spectacularly badly.”
He sighed at that, “sounds like hell.”
She nodded, “something like that, but I can’t let go of the past, you know? I think there’s a part of me that LIKES being hurt by the same bastard, the only bastard that CAN hurt me. You know?” When he lifted an eyebrow questioningly, she laughed, “NO, I don’t mean fifty shades kind of pain.”
Laughing he slugged at his beer, “I know what you mean. You meet someone and your need for them transcends your own needs.”
She couldn’t have put it better herself, “I’ll break free from it, I really will.”
He placed a hand over hers a friendly gesture, not inappropriate, “you can try your best. But sometimes your heart will rule your head unrelentingly.”
“You want to go back to her...in Oz?”
He nodded, “like the Muppet that I am.”
“If you’re a Muppet, then I don’t know what I am.”
Lifting his bottle to clink against hers, he smiled, “devoted Matilda, that’s what it makes you. Let’s hope it all works itself out.”
The topic of conversation moved on, and by the time he’d updated her on what sounded like a harem of women and incidents in various countries involving his travelling buddies, they looked up to see the two much discussed friends men disappearing out of the door with the two self professed cougars, much to Paul’s continued amusement and embarrassment.
“I don’t know who’s the more desperate,” he laughed.
Mattie grinned, “I think the women...they were so up for ensnaring a man tonight. Can’t believe they’ve got one young enough to be their son!”
Paul laughed, “those two will teach them a thing or two, don’t worry!”
Mattie drained her bottle, “I have a feeling those puppies may have just met their match, never underestimate a woman in the prime of her middle aged life! Anyway, I really should get back. Sorry to abandon you now that they’ve buggered off.”
“I’ll walk you.”
She shook her head, “I shouldn’t.” She was nervous, he was still a stranger. Anything could happen.
Sensing her fear he sighed, “you’re right to be worried, but I assure you I’m a boy scout. And I won’t sleep until I know you’re home safely.”
She eyed him suspiciously for a while, “I’ve got a rape alarm and a demon right hook.”
That made him laugh, “remind me to stand on the right side of you then!”
Offering her an elbow, she nodded, tucking her hand into it, then allowed him to lead her out of the bar.
It was still hot, but the humidity of the day was gone and as they walked he pointed out the hotel they were staying in along the beach, “nowhere as posh as this one!”
She smiled, “well I’m a working woman, not a student like you.”
He nodded, “woman not girl, duly noted.”
They got to the entrance to her hotel, “thanks for the escort, I wasn’t in any danger, but it’s nice to have company in the dark.”
He grinned, “glad to be at you service!” He gave a mock bow, then turned to kiss her on the cheek. “If you fancy some company tomorrow or the next few days you know where we are. Leave a message at reception.”
She grinned, “thanks Paul, you are a nice guy. If I wasn’t so screwed up over things...”
Chuckling he nodded his head, “me too.”
Then she threw her arms around him and gave him a hug, kissing his cheek. “You’ve cheered me up.”
As she turned to walk into the hotel she stopped dead in her tracks.
“You ok?” Paul asked, noting her hesitation.
She nodded without looking at him, “the screwed up shit...that’s it.”
Paul’s eyes followed hers to the man stood half hidden in the darkness of the doorway. Dylan.