guess who's back. back again
"they say, 'follow your heart' but if your heart is in a million pieces, which piece do you follow?" unknown
☁
Cas walked down the streets of an unfamiliar sidewalk. Abandoned buildings and broken streetlights surrounded him and gave him a somber glow. He put his hands in his pockets and walked humbly.
He had no idea where he was going, but he paid attention somewhat to when Dean was driving him to that coffee shop. He paid attention to the details of the cracking road, counting each blemish in the ground. But, most importantly he paid attention to the street names, Cas was very good at remembering. It was a skill he developed as an angel, the littlest details can help with the largest amounts.
Five minutes later, he turned a corner called Chicago Avenue. He began walking again. He looked down at his wrist and on a digital watch that was originally Dean's but he gave it to Cas to help him in times of need. Cas read the numbers 3:56 am and looked back up. The watch gave him a sense of comfort, it reminded him of Dean.
The watch didn't comfort him at this moment. He was upset at Dean. He couldn't understand why, he just felt it in his heart. He knew this was wrong, leaving Dean and going who knows where. He knew Dean would get mad if he ever found him. But, Cas didn't think of the circumstance, in all honesty, his emotions got the best of him and him sneaking out the window all happened at a quick pace. Dean was in his bedroom with another person; Cas had thought of it for a while.. and he came to the conclusion that Dean was having intercourse with a woman.
He didn't understand intimacy or sexual actions. He never needed to, but as a human... looking at... certain things made him feel a certain way. For example, Dean. Dean made Cas feel something down in the bottom of his heart. He didn't know what it was, he didn't know if it was bad or good. But, being around him made him happy. Maybe that's why he was upset at Dean getting intimate with another person, because maybe Cas wanted to be that person.
Jealousy.
Cas felt jealousy. How could he feel such a way? He's never felt anything like that before. He's never felt jealousy. He didn't even know it was jealousy. Jealousy was a sin in his Father's eyes. He made his first sin as a human. Cas felt somewhat proud, that he was developing human characteristics, but at the same time, he was disappointed. Once you sin you can never go back.
He felt free now. He felt mixed. Confused. Mad. Sad. Angry. Jealous. Happy. Free. He felt like a soft piano, the notes gradually getting harder and harder with the keys playing. The tears getting harder to hold back with each push of fingers. Like a child tripping and falling off of a bike, the child was dismal and sad because of their skinned knee, but prideful and satisfied because they didn't need training wheels.
He wanted to dance from the imaginary and psychological piano. It is a very emotional thing to finally be free. There's no more chains holding you back by the wrists, no more of the jarring noise of disappointment whenever you don't do something correctly. His halo was officially chattered, his wings were clipped. He couldn't fly from danger, he couldn't use his grace to make his way.
He was human.
The ex-angel then realized how far he actually walked, it was about two miles. It felt like minutes. A single drop of water hit the top of his head and eventually more and more came with it. As it started to rain he made a sharp right and into a random building.
It was a small bar filled with lonesome people, swigging away at beers or hitting cues to play pool. A few heads turned to the semi-soaked man in a trench coat, but continued with their game. He respectfully wiped his feet on the doormat and made sure his shoes weren't wet. Looking around, he saw a high seat on the corner of the bar and decided to sit there. As he sat down, a young blonde girl who looked about to be mid-twenties, was wiping the table with a rag around the area Cas was sitting.
She placed it down and made eye contact with the man, and smiled, her teeth showing.
"Hey there, what can I get you?" Her accent was slightly southern, and her brown eyes looked up to meet his blue ones.
"I.. um.. water. Please." His gruffness slightly took her aback.
"Alright, one cup of water for the weirdo." She said to herself. In all honesty, she was joking.
"Joanna! Do not talk to our new guest like that." An older voice piped up, she came into Cas' view and she looked almost exactly like the younger one, except her blonde hair was fading and wrinkles were across her crevices of her face. She came up to Cas at the bar and smiled the same way the girl did.
"I am so sorry for my daughter, you are not a weirdo, young fella'," She placed out her hand for him to shake, "I'm Ellen and this is my daughter Jo. We own this place."
"I see..." He looked around, shaking her hand with a nervous and slim grip. "It is very nice."
Jo had placed the water in front of him and went back to work, sweeping, wiping and serving other people at the bar and tables. Cas looked at how busy she was working, those two seemed to be the only one who worked at the moment.
"Thank you," She said. The woman brought warmth to Cas, and he felt welcomed in this place.
It was a slightly awkward silence that lingered the air, Cas looked up to the corner and watched a rerun of a NFL game. Everything they did confused him, they knocked their fists and chests together, dumped liquids on their head, and people seemed to enjoy it as there looked to be thousands at the stadium. There was still so much he needed to learn, and he needed somebody to help him. Dean would be the perfect one. Like they were meant to be together.
It was like destiny had put Cas in that church and Dean in the same city. But, if they haven't had met, Cas would still be an angel, serving his Father. He would've never felt the freedom that he felt at this moment. Cas didn't know which one he preferred, yet... flying or free will.
The woman piped up again once the television had gone to commercial break, "So, young man, why are you here?"
Cas wasn't sure why Ellen was calling him young, as he was much older than her. Perhaps his vessel appeared young to her.
"I am running away," He said bluntly and boldly, as if he achieved a great task. She looked confused, who would an adult man being running away from?
"Why?"
"My friend has deeply upset me."
She responded with a simple 'oh.' Like she didn't know really what to say. Nobody really knew what to say in times of distress, unless they have been through the same circumstance. Nobody understands Cas as he's struggling to fit in and be human, because he was an angel of the Lord for many, many years. It's only been a week since the incident of Dean literally stabbing him in the back, with his shoulder blades still being sore to this day.
Cas didn't check his wound often, but when he did, it made him queasy. The blood had of course stopped but the red still soaked through his bandages. It started to scab over slowly, and his regular bandage change helped a lot. He was surprised it didn't get infected.
"Cas! Cas.. holy shit. Castiel!" Dean yelled from across the bunker, it woke up John, Sam and Bobby and they jolted to his side as Dean was in the frontal area, looking in every nook and cranny. This could be just a cruel joke, correct? But how could Cas pull a prank like that? He decided to look in one more room just to be sure, but as he wasn't in there either. He pulled on a jacket and slipped his shoes on.
Sam offered to come but he declined and said they should all three go back to bed. Dean's anxiety wasn't in the best of moods at the moment, and this circumstance made it worse. He was trying to get better, but he still refused to take his medicine that he had gotten back from the hospital. It laid there beside his bed and every time Sam came in he would hide it. The orange bottle and white pills teased him daily. Dean would stare at it for minutes, thinking about swallowing it and making all of his problems go away temporary.
But, he also thought about the symptoms the medicine would come with it. He would eventually become dependent on the pills and have to take one or two every time he felt anxious, which was pretty often. He never got addicted to any type of prescription drugs and he wouldn't start now. He had looked up the symptoms after taking the medicine, and it made him feel sick to his stomach. He couldn't imagine replacing the anxiety with more sickness.
Dean flipped out his phone, forgetting about the thought of drugs. He unlocked it and went to contacts and pushed with his thumb Cas' name. It rang for about ten seconds and went straight to an empty voicemail which had no speaking. It would've been so nice just to hear Cas' calm voice telling him to come back later, but instead all he heard was the ambiance of the phone line.
He tried it once more.
Cas' phone in his right frontal pocket of his trench coat vibrated as he was talking to both Jo and Ellen. He pulled it out and tried to swipe and tap a button on the screen but it wouldn't work. It turned off and he put it down, he knew Dean would either give up or try again... his second theory was correct. Dean tried to call a second time and Cas answered and a sigh of relief was on the other line.
"Oh thank God, Cas, I was so worried." Dean said through breathless pants.
"Why? I thought you did not care about me."
You could hear the confusion in Dean's voice just from his breath and scoffs, "What? Of course I care about you! You are family now... if I didn't I would've just let you run away."
"But you did."
Those three words left Dean speechless. Cas was right, he did let him run away on his watch. Dean was too busy doing... something to pay attention to Cas. Heck, he hadn't seen Cas since John first came in and Dean ran away!
"Listen, Cas, I'm so sorry. I'm tracking your phone so I can come to where you are."
"Goodbye, Dean."
"Wait-"
Cas hung up and put his phone back in his pocket and Ellen and Jo were back to work. He asked for another cup of water, since it would be his last before leaving. The three talked for a little bit about small things, and Ellen asked how old she was. He wasn't sure how to respond so he made up a number that was close to Dean's age.
For some reason, Ellen and Jo seemed really interested in Cas. He didn't talk much yet there was something about him that catches their eye. They had to continue to work and serve people, so Cas sat there awkwardly, thinking about what Dean will say once he comes.
Exactly six minutes later, Cas counted like he normally did to make time seem to go faster by the tip of his tongue. Dean came in the door, the rain started to pour more and more and it added a dramatic effect to the whole circumstance. He marched towards Cas and the man backed up slightly, scared.
Cas jumped down from his seat as Dean immediately pulled his arms around him, embracing and hugging him. Cas was taken back from the sudden intimacy, but he melted into the hug eventually and they stood there, lingering every touch. A tiny muffled sob could be heard from Dean's closed throat.
Dean cleared his throat and let go of the hug, getting rid of his weaknesses. He brought Cas into the Impala, making sure neither of them got wet.
"Why did you do that? You knew it was dangerous, Cas. You knew I would see the opened window and you knew that I would find you. I know it's tough but we just have to keep you safe, okay?" Dean paused.
"Dean, I'm fi-"
"No, I'm not finished. I was so worried. I woke up to go check on you and you weren't there. I was busy and I didn't hear you leave."
"Busy with what?" Cas already knew the answer, but he wanted to see what Dean would say.
"It's... it's nothing..." He responded, his throat closing up. He didn't want anybody to know. After she had left Dean immediately regretted it.
"Liar." Cas responded bluntly.
As they were driving down the street and to a stop sign, Dean looked over. "What?"
"I know what you did. You just lied to me."
"Cas... listen... I-I needed it. I needed a break. After my dad came and-and hurt me... I was just done with it."
Cas closed his mouth and reopened it. "I needed you, Dean! I was so scared. I thought he would hurt me, too. I heard you in there. I heard the noises you were making and the ones she was making. I was mad! I was mad that you came back with her instead of making sure I was okay."
Dean didn't respond, as a singular tear went down his cheek. He kept driving into the late night sky, the silence was endeavoring and each second Dean wanted to break down more. Dean felt horrible.
ooh fuck longest chapter! sorry it took so long. I hope chapter 9 will be completed by this weekend. I'm also working on a oneshot book which will be called lovesick! im so excited and im already working on two stories on there!