The fucking elevator doors close just as I reach them and I smack my hand hard against it. Fuck. My head turns to the stairwell door behind me and I briefly think of using them.
Even though New York is a pretty accepting city these days, I still think I'd find it fucking hard to find a cabby who will give me a ride in just a towel.
Fuck, how the fuck did I fuck this up so much?
The look on Maddy's face is going to haunt me. I fucking broke her. This woman I care so fucking much about and I broke her. Her small frame looked even smaller as she hugged herself as the doors closed. And her face, fuck that ripped me apart watching the tears fall as she screamed at me. Knowing that I couldn't even touch her made it a special kind of torture.
I turn and leg it back to my apartment.
I need fucking pants.
Flying past the the toddler sitting in my kitchen, happily eating her ice cream, I almost crash into the damn doorframe as I round it into the bedroom. My arm still whacks it hard though.
"Fuck." I grind out.
"Uncle Aiden owes a dollar in the swear jar." A little voice calls from the kitchen.
That fucking swear jar is going to send me fucking broke.
I find pants and a shirt. I'm jamming my shoes on when April appears in the doorway.
"Are you ok?.... Is she?.."
I sigh and stop for a moment. I can't answer either of those questions. I honestly have no idea.
".. I'm so sorry Aiden, we can travel up to mum and dads if it helps. The last thing I want to do is screw anything up bet..."
"You're staying.." I cut her off. ".. I can fucking fix this... Fuck, I fucking hope so."
I run my hands through my hair and hear a little voice pipe up from kitchen, informing me I now owe four dollars to the fucking swear jar.
"Go, and good luck."
April grins at me as I high tail it out of there to the kitchen. I grab my phone off the kitchen bench were it has sat since some time early Sunday when I told Anna I wasn't coming in this week. I lost track of the damn thing during all the chaos. Looking closer, I notice the bloody thing is off. I look up at my ice cream covered niece, who's smiling at me.
"Your phone was playing lots of noises, so I turned it off."
It's hard to argue with the reasoning of a three year old.
Shaking my head, I stuff the phone in my pocket and run out the door. I throw an extra five hundred at the cabby to run every light possible.
My hands are shaking as I climb the stairs to Maddy's apartment. I pray to whoever the hell is listening that I can fucking fix this. Her face as the doors closed flashes through my mind as I reach her door. I can't loose her. I won't loose her. Fear, pain, and panic surges through every part of my body at the thought of loosing her. Before I know it, my fist is pounding on her door.
"Maddy, open the damn door.."
That's right Aiden, smart man. Sound angry and pissed as hell that you had to chase her ass down. That'll make her open the door for you. Dumb ass.
I try to slow my breathing and push the fear away. I haven't lost her yet.
".. Maddy I know you're in there... Open the door please, we need to talk.."
I listen hard but can't hear anything behind the door. Fuck, maybe she didn't come home. I'm racking my brain trying to think where else would she run to, but I know this woman. I know her kitchen is her safe place. I know that's where she can think. I can hear my voice, thick with pain, as I lean my head against the door.
".. I'm so sorry... I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I pushed you so fucking hard tonight.... Fuck, Maddy, I know how scared you are... Please baby just open the door.."
Why the hell did I fucking push her to tell me what I fucking knew she wasn't ready to say. If I didn't push so fucking hard, she might not have run. I'm a fucking idiot. I turn and let my back fall against the door as I slide down to the floor.
".. I'll stay here all night if I have to."
And I mean it.
I'll sit here, sleep here, order fucking food to be delivered here. There's not much that would move me from her doorstep.
What a fucking mess I've made. None of this is her fault. I know how hard it was for her to take that leap and trust me. If I had just told her and not bolted that night none of this would have fucking happened. I mean I left her on the fucking sidewalk for christ's sake. I was so worried that something would happen to April or Bella that I didn't stop to think.
I've never seen her like that before. So angry, so betrayed, and when she finally let me speak, the flick in her eyes as she realised that she had it wrong, was somehow even worse to watch. I went from unbelievably hurting her, to making her feel humiliated, and then forcing out how she really feels about me in the space of a few minutes. Or felt. Fuck, it better not be felt.
My head drops into my hands and I remember Maddy yelling at me about trying to call me. Pulling my phone out, I turn it on and wait for it to stop having a fit from all the missed calls and messages.
Holy fuck, I had no fucking idea.
I've been running around with Bella, the police and lawyers, I've barely even looked at my phone, not to mention the three year old that apparently fucking turned it off. I fall into bed at night, and out within seconds, amazed at the amount of energy a three year old can possess.
My breathing becomes laboured as I listen to the voicemails. I can hear the panic and fear in her voice as she fails at sounding upbeat. I abandoned her when she needed me the most. My chest feels like it's in a vice being crushed.
I stand up, about to break the fucking door down when I see Nora standing at the top of the stairs.
I have no idea how long she's been there. She blinks at me and looks down at her phone clutched in her hand.
"Aiden?... What's going on?"
There's not much that would move me from Maddy's doorstep, except the woman standing in front of me. My fist pounds on Maddy's door again.
"Seriously Maddy? You have got to be kidding me."
My hands clench into fists before I flex them out again. She knows I'm not going to go toe to toe with her sister out here in the hall. Nora is watching me closely.
"Aiden, I think you need to go.."
She lowers her voice and her eyes flick to Maddy's door before back to me, as she steps towards me.
".. I don't know what's going on, or what happened, but you need to go and let me handle it."
That's the last thing I want to do. I don't want to leave her when she needs me, not again. I have to physically force myself to step back from Maddy's door. Nora's right. Maddy's called Nora for a reason, and this is it.
"Fucking hell... Fine, I'll go..." My eyes are on Maddy's door, but flick to Nora as I finish, possibly a little more intense than I mean. ".. But I'll be cold and fucking dead before I fucking walk away from her for good. It's far from fucking over."
I move past her, down the stairs, and punch the doorframe to outside hard. I barely feel it as the skin on my knuckles breaks. It doesn't even begin to let any of the frustration I feel out.
I'm sitting outside her building like a fucking stalker, and have been for fuck knows how long. I can't go home, I can't move, fuck I can barely breathe. I can't leave till I know she's ok. My mind just runs with how stupid I must be, how much of an idiot I am to ever let her worry like that. I loose track of how long I sit there staring at nothing.
My phone buzzes and I practically leap out of my skin in an effort to pick the damn thing up in a hurry. It's a message from Nora.
'She's ok, well she's not but she will be. She feels like an idiot, and I know what I'm about to ask is going to be hard for you to do, especially after what I've just heard, but I need you to give her some space to come to you.'
I stare at the message and read it three times. She's ok, thank fuck. Nora's next message comes through and I cling on to that one line.
'Aiden, she will come back, I promise.'
My lungs finally let in the air they desperately need.
'I'll try.' I write back.
My head raises to the sky as I can start to breath again. Forcing my body to move, I shove myself up and make myself hail a cab.
April and Bella are waiting for me in the kitchen when I get back. April's smile falters when she sees me, and she stands up and goes to the fridge.
"Did you get your girl back, Uncle Aiden?"
I look down at my niece, and for the first time I notice the two burgers sitting on the counter. They're from my favourite place, near Maddy's. She fucking brought lunch to share. I grab the stool and slowly lower myself down in it before my knees fucking give out. Pain grips my chest and I try like fuck to hold on to what Nora said. She's fucking coming back to me. Bella's still looking at me and I force myself to smile.
"Not yet, but I will.."
April places a beer down in front of me, before dropping a bag of peas on my hand. She reaches out and squeezes my shoulder. I smile weakly at her before turning back to Bella.
".. Now, I think we need to talk about boundary issues with Uncle Aiden's phone, don't you?"
The next day is one of the hardest I've had.
After April has hidden my car keys, she has to physically remove my phone from my hand too, as I'm clutching it like I'm going to crush it. I don't give it up without a fight which Bella finds hilarious.
Standing back, she watches her Mummy and Uncle wrestle around on the floor, while cheering for both sides.
I'm starting to believe she's the most mature one out of the three of us today.
I stumble off defeated to have a shower, which only makes me feel worse. Everywhere I look reminds me of Maddy. She spends so much time here that I have fucking coloured towels in my bathroom now, as apparently white and grey are boring. I smile back at the memory of her arriving with an armful of colour to brighten my place up. That smile of hers wide on her face as she happily pushed past me, depositing items as she went.
I lean my head against the wall under the faucet and just let the warm water roll over me. She passes my every thought. Nora's words run through my brain, she's coming back.
I'm trying like hell to hold on to that.
Fuck this giving her time shit is hard.
The rest of the day passes painfully slow.
On Wednesday my niece is delighted with her zombie of an uncle that's parked himself on the couch.
She takes the opportunity to hijack the TV for a Frozen, Beauty and beast, Cinderella and some Disney princess I don't even recognize, marathon while I just sit there, hugging a fucking multicoloured pillow Maddy brought. The fucking thing even still smells like her. April walks past, stopping to blink at me a few times, and I just glare at her.
"Don't even fucking start."
Bella smiles at me and I don't even argue. I just stick my hand in my sweats, fish around and hand her a dollar.
My niece is having the best fucking time. Movie marathon completed, she decides to turn my lounge room into a Cafe Restaurant the following day when April ducks out to grab a few things. Bella takes my order and hands me one wooden food after the other, before serving me a cup of tea. I briefly consider asking if Uncle Aiden can Irish up his tea, but responsible role model and all. By the time April gets back in the afternoon, Bella has switched up her game, and is now tending to Uncle Aiden's food coma.
When my phone comes to life Friday, I abandon what I'm doing and lunge for it immediately, ignoring April's comments about having at least one ounce of dignity.
My mouth curves up into its first real smile all week when I see it's from Maddy. I let out a chuckle as I read the fact she's called me Mr Lexington. Relief floods through every part of me and releases my chest in the tight grip it's been in since I last saw her. The fact that she's called me that is everything. She knows damn well what that does to me when she uses it.
She's still mine.
Restraining myself from being inappropriate is so fucking hard. Baby steps though.
'I was never giving up, Miss Blake.'
I imagine her cheeks flushing and those lips curving up in a small smile as she reads it.
Fuck, how I've fucking missed her. I've felt like I've been only half alive the last few days, barely functioning.
"Good news I assume then?" April calls from the coffee machine.
"The fucking best." I grin at her.
My grin falters when my eyes find my niece, who's smile resembles a Cheshire cat.
That fucking little swear jar is her fucking gold mine.