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Author has written 13 stories for Naruto, Metal Gear, Street Fighter, Pokémon, DC Superheroes, X-Men, One Piece, Bleach, and Kenichi the Mightiest Disciple.
Name: Kenchi618
Age: 27
Height: 6'2
Weight: Walks Around At 215 pounds (Fights at Middleweight, 185 pounds, or Light-Heavyweight, 205 pounds)
Favorite Bands/Musicians: Eminem (from 1999 to 2004, but I'm really digging the MM LP 2), Atmosphere, Weezer, Cypress Hill, Mobb Deep, Guns n' Roses (Original Line-up), The Lonely Island, I Fight Dragons, Beastie Boys, The Bloodhound Gang (Their songs are f'n hilarious), The Heavy.
Race: African American (A.K.A: Black Guy)
Occupation: Assistant Producer
Major: Communications/Media Studies (Bachelor's Degree as of June 2013)
Hobbies: Playing Video Games (PS3 all day), Golf, Training/Sparring, Sleeping, Writing/Reading Fanfiction.
Location: 612 Wharf Avenue, so come on down. Right next to the gentleman's club.
Note To Readers: I do not dig Yaoi in any way. This is because I am a man's man. I say this because I have been told repeatedly and explicitly that I am in no way a ladies' man. Naruto is my favorite manga with Bleach coming in second and One Piece bringing up the third.
If you have something to add to anything I write, feel free to state such. How am I to get any better if I don't know what I'm doing wrong? It's a work in progress, my ability to spin a decent yarn, and to grow I must be willing to learn.
Fighting Style: Muay Thai Kickboxing/Boxing/Freestyle Wrestling/Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
Personal Hero: Forrest Griffin (He's just a former cop that learned how to fight in college and now he makes bank in the UFC. That is some inspirational stuff. it motivates me, that and he's cool as all hell.)
Congrats on that Hall of Fame Forrest... though I sincerely doubt you'll ever see this or care.
I consider this profile page as an extension to try and entertain, and thus I will use it as such. If you came here you must have seen something interesting enough to try and come here to begin with, so hopefully this kills some time for you.
My ego grows once more with my regular inclusion on a weekly podcast panel! Fandom Flux Podcast! Oh yeah! Listen to a gaggle of fanfiction-writing fools try to make some entertaining audio!
We've got a Youtube page for all of the stuff, at .
If you've got something that you want us to talk about on the show or a question that I/we may or may not be able to answer, you can send me a message, or send one to the comments on the Fandom Flux site for us to check out.
Random Thoughts From Me:
- To anyone that actually cares or possesses one, I have a PS3 and my PSN name is the exact same as my name here, so... yeah.
- I cannot for the life of me remember what the fuck inspired me to first come to this site in November of 2009, but I do remember why I first started writing. Because I read stuff that made me say, "I can do something just as good as that or better." And two months of saying that made me realize I needed to stop talking shit and actually put up or shut up. One entire year later I have a story with 3000 reviews and two more on the cusp of breaking 1000. Because I'm Kenchi Strife and I'm AWESOME!!!! (I'm not really that awesome, I am just incredibly productive and have extreme flashes of arrogance.)
- Whenever most people get asked, "What bloodline from Naruto would you want if you could have it?" Most people would say Sharingan, or Rinnengan, or Shikotsumyaku (My second choice actually). But if I had to choose I would pick the Byakugan. This stems from my own personal fear, I fear nothing physical, it's more of a theoretical fear; things that I cannot see. This goes as far as me looking around randomly while in the midst of doing nothing, even in my own house. I hate, hate, hate, FUCKING HATE not being able to see things coming, I fucking hate the fact that I can only see in a 45 degree radius, I hate everything that is behind me and out of my field of vision, everything, with no exceptions. If I was given the option to get three punches in the face that I could see coming or one punch to the stomach blindfolded I would take the punches to the face. I don't care what it is, seeing things unfold in front of me, even if it's something that is going to hurt me allows me to calm myself by thinking logically, letting me run mental damage control and work out split-second solutions or at the very least brace for consequences, I even hate surprises. Thus why I would take the Byakugan. Seeing near 360 degrees and being able to basically see stuff from far away and through things would take the fear from me.
- Why do I always see people that complain about texting fucking text themselves?
- I hate Facebook or any other social networking device. If you're all like, "But Kenchi! It helps me meet people, and know so many hot girls on Facebook!" then I would say that you don't know them since you've never actually stood in front of them and had a conversation where the words 'lol' didn't fucking come up. I don't use Facebook as a fucking social crutch, I actually go out and meet friends of my friends and make them my friends, thus opening the door for more friends that I talk to and form my own social network, only it's with people that I actually have a good chance of seeing in person on a regular basis. Yeah, I know hot women too, and I actually know that I can tolerate their personalities and that they are receptive to flirting because I've held actual conversations with them and know them, thus when I earn the opportunity to see them with less than 100% of their clothing on I feel like I've done more than click a mouse to see their pictures on a web page. If I want to see that on a computer screen I'll just skip the middleman and look at porn.
- Does anyone else think that Shao Kahn and Motaro from Mortal Kombat 3 were the most pain in the ass boss fights in video games? Because I still think about that shit all the time. 5 credits my ass...
- The almond is the greatest brand of nut ever mass distributed for human consumption.
- Why do bees always like to hover around the thing outside that you desperately need to pick up and use for just a second?
- Yelling "Psycho Crusher" or "Sonic Boom" after doing anything in your life makes it 10 times better.
ex. "Who wants chips? SONIC BOOM!" or "Give me my keys, I need to move my car. PSYCHO CRUSHER!!!"
- Neil Patrick Harris had the best role ever given to any human being on Earth when he had his parts in the Harold and Kumar movies. He was paid to be a random name of tall order from the past and ended up looking totally badass in the first movie. There was no logical reason for Doogie fucking Houser to look so awesome and yet he did.
- The dropkick is the most entertaining form of attack known to regular people. Say that you see someone do a dropkick in real life and you weren't laughing your ass off after it happens. If you do then you are lying to yourself and to me. No matter what the target you find yourself laughing at it; a door, a porta-potty, a person... just as long as the person isn't you, then it's not funny anymore.
- It has been scientifically tested and proven by others that when you pour beer or some other form of liquid on my face I will immediately wake up and place you in some form of Triangle Choke until you pass out. Fact.
- I have respect for Vanilla Ice for multiple reasons. First of all he was a white rapper that actually had a number one hit back when having a hit in hip-hop actually meant something.
Second of all I defy you to put on "Ice Ice Baby" right now and not have some kind of positive physical reaction to listening to it because regardless of whatever misgivings you may have even in 2010 that shit still cranks, now that is staying power.
Third of all, and probably most important, people still know who this guy is, 20 years after the fact! Whenever any white rapper comes out he is always compared to two rappers; Eminem and Vanilla 'fucking' Ice. Now granted it is usually at opposite ends of the spectrum, but all I can say is that the man did more than I've ever done in my life.
-...My name is Kenchi618 an I have an addiction. I am addicted to fanfiction *cries softly*. I started reading this shit in November of 2009 and now I come to this site every damn day. And just like an addiction I have to read something everyday or I get seriously cranky. It utterly pisses me off when nothing is posted that entertains me in one, two, three days. So much so that I have to write my own shit to calm myself down. For those of you aware of my usual update speed this is why; because when there's nothing to read, I write so maybe I can inspire someone to get off of their ass (or on their ass in this case) and write something that tickles my soul. It has been failing miserably thus far... The fact that people actually like what I do is a complete by-product of this addiction, but I ain't complaining.
- I AM AWESOME!!! As of December 5th, 2010 I have achieved eternal greatness! In a submission grappling contest I defeated a state-level wrestler... BLINDFOLDED! As in no vision... as in sans visual orbs, i.e. my eyes. GET ON MY LEVEL!!!! God that was the greatest 5 bucks I've ever won off of anyone ever!
- All I do is win! Woo! I am officially Log Pope baby! Having achieved the minimum of 400 reviews in a story that routinely praises the awesome of the log (Naruto: Soldiers of Fortune) I have painstakenly achieved the most pimptacular powers of Log Pope the hard way. Yes friends, Kenchi618 is your new pope, here to lead your congregation of the log, because the pope is pimping!!!
- Let me specify this immediately: I DO NOT hate the Sasuke Uchiha character. Actually that is false. I hate him now. I didn't when the Naruto series started. When the series started Sasuke proved worth to me as a bad-ass anti-hero. He had a cool attitude, his dialogue didn't suck, he had a hell of a backstory, he had his moments of pure win, and he was never placed as seeming more important than the main character himself. He was cool. And he remained cool right up until he defected... actually he was still cool to me when he defected. I loved the concept, abso-fucking-lutely I did.
No, he stayed cool. He stayed cool upon his reintroduction, he stayed cool when he toasted Orochimaru's sick and dying ass and then bitched out Kabuto, he stayed cool when he got his own team (which had Suigetsu in it who is super fucking cool), he stayed cool when he beat Deidara's ass, and he stayed cool while he was fighting Itachi, and that fight was pretty much the epitome of bad-ass. And then Kishimoto took his character which had bordered on the slippery slope of emo-cutter status since his inception and pushed his ass down that cliff in a goddamn wheelbarrow. Now he's whiny, sounds like he's going to cry crocodile tears everytime he brings up Itachi or how his clan was wronged and blah, blah, blah (He's working with Madara. Wouldn't common deduction skills point towards him trying to gut Madara like a trout since he was the one that kind of started it?), and he gets a power-up every five chapters (I'm probably exaggerating but you get the point) that each seem like the equivalent of Naruto's Sage Mode which was the only power-up he received for like 50 chapters at one point. So yeah, don't blame Sasuke for being the reason you hate him, blame Kishimoto. He made the number two guy in the series, a guy who was actually really cool, a total tool.
...and the dialogue he constantly gives Naruto about Sasuke when the topic comes up is simply adding fuel to the fire for the yaoi writers which does not help his case of me hating him by any stretch of the imagination.
- The Metal Gear video game series by Hideo Kojima is the absolute best series of video games in the world. Period. If you disagree with me I don't need to meet you or even know your name or face, because if I did I would challenge you to a street fight with taped fists covered in glue and dipped in broken glass, because I want to destroy you. As a man there has been only one time that I have ever been moved to tears, and I have no problems saying this because I am more than confident enough in my own masculinity to admit this...
After playing all of the games, from Metal Gear to Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater in order, back to back, and beating them all, I played Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots from start to finish and by the time the final credits hit I was physically holding back tears because the story and the gameplay was so awesome. That's some intense shit right there. And they were manly tears... the manliest... Anyway, I think you get the point by now.
- Do not take yourself too seriously. There are billions of people in the world. If 200 people think you suck then that's no big deal... of course if they all come out, can get into contact with you, and say it at the exact same time about the exact same thing then there might be a problem there. Looking into the reason for that might not be such a bad idea.
- Getting shot is not that bad from personal experience (at least by a 9mm). I mean, after the first five minutes as long as it isn't fatal because the guy who did it can't aim for shit you don't even care anymore. One shot through the side of my torso and then one through my knee had me sitting outside of a friend's house by myself for 30 minutes waiting on an ambulance... and I was more bored than in agony as long as I kept still. Now I've got cool scars and an asinine story to tell for the rest of my life. All it took was one weird guy shooting me because I jumped his fence to get a basketball back. Fair trade.
- After thinking about this legitimately for the last hour I can with confidence say that every single relevant sport that has ever been created is a substitute for fighting.
My reasons for believing such: Athleticism is originally measured by the physical abilities of a person... physical abilities that are also used to measure how well a person would survive... fighting was originally done to survive and for no other reason.
Another reason: Whenever good atheletes go immediately for the victory at the first opportunity it is called killer instinct... killer instinct. Huh.
Yet ANOTHER reason: One of the top 3 most popular sports in the U.S. is american football... a game where by definition 250 pound grown adults more or less run into each other as hard as they can in an effort to throw one particular poor bastard to the ground.
I could keep going for another five paragraphs but I'll leave it with one more point. When tensions rise and the testosterone flows in any of these sports (even NASCAR dude) how is anything settled between particular participants? Trying to outdo the person on the court, field, or whatever isn't enough. Victory is not enough... No, they have to fight because they're pissed.
Fighting is a legal and recognized part of hockey... and how many people get headbutted in faceoffs between rival players in soccer yearly?
...and MMA isn't legalized in the state of New York...
sigh*
- MXC (Most Extreme Elimination Challenge), an old show that used to be on Spike TV, is one of the greatest shows that I have ever seen in my entire life. I wish it still came on, even if they're just reruns. I've never consistently laughed so hard on a show-to-show basis watching anything else in my life, period.
Bring back Kenny and Vic. MXC for life.
- Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'm going to fight them. That's weird right? I know it can't be normal.
- I don't have any shame apparently. I figured that out last Saturday night. It turns out that where my shame gland should be there is only a gland that produces more awesome. It turns out that this is my secondary awesome gland where most people only have one.
This explains everything!!!
- It is complete hindsight now, but in my honest belief that Kishimoto should have saved the Naruto vs. Pain battle for last. He should have held off and ended the series with it. Because in my opinion it was perfect. I saw absolutely nothing wrong with that battle, the circumstances surrounding it, nothing. It was the height of the whole series, and ever since it went down nothing that's happened has been nearly as good. It might have been the one-two punch of doing Sasuke vs. Itachi and then moving straight into the attack on Konoha, but it did the trick.
If he would have just pushed it to the end and did some other things in between, like Sasuke's whole descent into the dark after fighting Itachi and his subsequent revenge on Konoha kick. If he'd put all of that in there and wrapped it up before pulling Pain out to fight Naruto in the village... it would have been for the best.
He could have kept the crux of everything important that he'd wanted to do and did afterwards. That's cool. But he should have put it before the Pain fight. Most importantly because after it was over... how do you rightfully top it?
He had to make sure the villains were threatening afterwards which resulted in the problem with the power-scales now, because he had to make them more imposing than Pain, the guy that blew the village to hell with one move. Then we had everybody popping up with Rinnegan eyes, an army of the undead, zombie Madara that can call down meteors, and now the Juubi doesn't even seem worth it when it comes to strength after seeing all of that, nuclear howitzer of a Bijudama or not.
Until that point nothing had even come close to doing that kind of damage, and now if it doesn't happen any character worth any value can just no-sell it and keep going. And that's just the fighting portion of it.
Emotionally, that was the height of the series. He could have caught that, kept it in a bottle while he tied up the other loose ends to prepare for the end like with Kisame and Tobi/Obito's parts, done whatever he had to do to make Naruto's power growth come full-circle to his liking while keeping him involved since he was still strong enough at the time to take part in the other aforementioned situations without vanishing for dozens of chapters at a time, and ended it all with Naruto vs. Pein with a neat little bow, because nothing since then has felt as dramatic. And it would have had the whole story sewn up well before Chapter 600.
Just one man's opinion.
- Regular Show is the best cartoon I've seen in years. It's like J.G. Quintel is in my head and animating it for the world to see and enjoy. If you haven't seen this show you're doing yourself a disservice.
- Cat litter can be used to blind people while fighting. I did not know that.
I had to copy this when I saw it...
Honorary Member of The Book of Log.
If you worship the holyness that is the log, copy and paste this section onto your profile... although you may want to change the comments
Position: Log Pope (Since 12/24/2010)
Possible Book of Log Positons:
Log Worshipper: Beginning position. No requirements
Log Priest: You have created at least 1 Naruto related fanfic that frequently (every 2-4 chapers) praises the almighty log and actually fits into the story
Log Pope (there can be more than 1 pope... its safer that way): you have created 3 naruto related fanfics that frequently praise the almighty log
OR the Fanfic that already occasionally praises the log has at least 400 reviews
OR you create a (decently made) Naruto fanfic focused on praising the log... log forbid.
Excerpt of the log number 124: when using the log to escape a fire jutsu, it is konoha custom to write an apology letter to the log, and depending on rank of jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. c-rank, two thousand, B-rank, one thousand five hundred, a-rank, one thousand. only S-rank and higher or excused from the writing of the letter. even then, it is still reccommended.
Log excerpt number 231: if konoha shinobi celebrate the holiday of Christmas, then it is required that they put gifts under the Christmas log. Use of a full tree is an insult to the log and if found out that shinobi is uneligible from using the log for a period of two months.
Log excerpt number 437: Use of the log in a situation that clearly could be avoided using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken:
For every dent caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling.
For every stab wound caused by your replacement you shall plant five
saplings.
For every hole in the log caused by your replacement you shall plant ten
saplings.
For every detached piece of the log caused by your replacement you shall
plant one sapling per square inch of detached log.
For a destroyed and unusable log caused by your replacement you shall plant
twenty-five saplings.
If your log is defective you may call 1-800-BAD-LOGS to file a complaint. If
your case is proven correctly your next replacement will be half off.
'and the willow sayeth unto the ninja: wherefore dost i weep? 'tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. the log ist thine ally, and mine kin. calling upon the log, is to call upon me. to aid thee in battle, i weep my tear of joy.
and the ninja spoke: yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. for thine bravery will never be forgotten.'
-book of the log, song of the willow, verses 1-4
'as the log takes your place, you become the log. the log becomes you. for a moment, you are an extension of the logs blessing unto ninja.'
-book of the log, chronicle of the replacement verse 3
'you are fools! your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja!- the ninja from the desert declared. and the people shook their heads.
you have been denied the log for a long time, sandwalker. we cannot force you to see the glory of the log, but know this. when the time comes, and you have no other allies to call upon, the log will hear your prayers, and aid you.'
-book of the log, redwood journals verses 15-16
'and as the smoke cleared, his foe stared in awe at the log. blackened and charred, the log crumbled. the ninja, filled with righteous wrath, fell upon his foe and slew him. he made his way to the log, and wept. his companion, the log that had accompanied him through so many battles, was no more. he spoke thus to his fallen companion: though now you have fallen in battle, you rest where the logs forever grow. the forest of life called for you, and you answered its call, as you did mine. i thank you my friend.'
-book of the log, honor of the forest canticle I, verses 78-82
'he despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none.
-book of the log, wanderers saga, verses 7-9
'the log took his place and fell, forever into the abyss. the people, hearing of this, railed against him, in such numbers he swore to never endanger another log again. for many years, he fought without the log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him. as his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harms way, seeing a log in his place. his stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the log, he knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. he asked of the log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? have you not done enough for me? and the log spoke: it is my duty, and our bond. we exist to save the ninja, and they exist to save the trees. we both play a part, for which i am content.'
-book of the log, honor of the forest canticle II, verses 59-70
Let it be known that it is absolutely forbidden to willingly perform the technique known as "1000 years of death" on a log. It is also equally frowned upon for one to replace oneself with a holy log for the purpose of avoiding said technique. The punishment for such actions is at least 6 months of banishment from the use of the holy log.
Kenchi618's Rules of Naruto Fanfiction
1. Naruto must know some kind of replication technique, preferably the tried and true Kage Bunshin technique. Why you ask? Because it wouldn't be Naruto without three dozen blonde kids running amok on a regular basis.
2. Being a smart-ass is recommended. He doesn't necessarily have to be smart, but his mouth should be. Naruto, in essence, is a hot-head with no tact that shoots his mouth off and pisses off the wrong people, invariably drawing them into his world, for better or for worse. Since the story will probably revolve around him ANYWAY, you might as well make it so that what he has to say is hella entertaining, it makes the whole experience much better.
3. He must have some kind of weakness, even in the super-fics. Who wants to see good things happen all the time? If nothing but good things go on, then the good will become watered down and not very significant at all. He needs to be able to be beaten somehow, someway there has to be something about him that enemies can take advantage of. Naruto's the underdog, that's his appeal and that is why he is beloved. Haven't you people ever seen Rudy!?
4. Pissing off your readers is a double-edged sword. If it's a damn good cliffhanger, or something that sets up an antagonist for future comeuppance then great, fire away! As long as the pay-off is well worth it then that is what the creative process is all about. However, if you just delight in butchering whatever integrity the original storyline had and the amount of flames you get is equal to 1/4 of your entire review count then there is something seriously wrong.
5. NO FREAKIN' YAOI!! None! ...In any of my stories at least. Do what you want. Now I'm not homophobic, I'm actually very chill with gay people, one of the coolest guys I know is gay, to each their own I always say. But I will not fucking read anything that even has the possibility of dude-on-dude action, fuck that shit. People go overboard with it, as with regular lemon stories as well, I'll be equal opportunity here. Remember: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, and just because you should do something doesn't mean you will. It also doesn't help that a large bulk of them have shit for grammar, spelling, and just being overall basically decent stories in general.
-The yaoi aspect in my respects can be overlooked if the story is good and it is not the central focus and entire point of the story... i.e. the entire reason for the story is to write about dudes boning. However that is pretty much never the case. You ain't making it 3000 words without finding someone getting poked in the chops in most of these things.
6. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If you want reviews then fucking review on the stories of others. If you like a story, tell the writer what you like. If you don't like it, tell them what you don't like or you think could be improved. It's common courtesy damn it! A decent review takes one minute max, because you have an well thought out opinion by the time you finish reading, so share the love.
7. Grammar and punctuation are actually very fucking important. If I read a story that I could've written better in the third grade then that is a problem. It really takes away from the story, it truly does. You can have a kick-ass premise and a great plot all set out, if you type a like second grade remedial English student then I won't read it damn it. Come on! You go through thirteen years of public school and learn how to write properly for a reason, because shitty writing pisses people off! No text writing either. Slang is okay, as long it is coherent and most know what the fuck it means then by all means go forth. Even good grammar and spelling in your story summary can be the difference between hits and reviews, trust me.
8. Bashing is okay... to an extent. If the entire point of your story is to just shit all over certain characters and make another look like God's gift to the world then you can do that, but you won't be getting many thumbs up for your masterful storytelling. Be justifiable and flexible on your bashing, because just like in real life, things can change easily.
9. Listen to the people. Yes, it is your story, that's cool. And in the end whatever happens is up to you. I'm not saying let them plan out the plot or anything, although if you're lazy then go for it. I'm saying that if enough people say something, like a certain thing sucks, or they talk about something that you didn't or can't explain, address it and/or try to fix it. If you are anything like me then reader response is like crack. Showing you don't care is basically saying 'fuck this story' and that will not end well.
10. OC's are not God! OC's cannot do everything! They can fix stuff, yes! They can train people up, yes! They can be potential pairings, again, yes! But OC's cannot fix everything. If the fucking Hokage can't make Naruto's life much better then how can some random guy from Jack-fuckistan come in one day and fix everything? He can improve on things, like Naruto's skill level, and his relationships with people, even his intelligence and standard of living, but a full-on upswing is IMPOSSIBLE for one person. That was more of a rant than anything...
11. Have extensive knowledge about the subject you are writing on. It really helps the quality of your work if you know what the hell you're writing about in the first place. For example, don't attempt crossovers if you don't have equal knowledge of all elements being used for the story. Either know what's going on, or have one hell of a reference tool at your disposal... as a matter of fact, you should have that at hand regardless because people tend to forget/overlook shit.
These self-enacted rules are for me that I'll try to adhere to every time out. Now this can and probably will be manipulated over time being that I own this shit, however if anyone agrees with these than feel free to use it I guess.*
Quotes of Greatness
"There's only three real monsters, kid: Dracula, Blackula and Son of Kong. Now quit picking your nose and knead that dough!" Mr. Pannucci - Futurama
"That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer!" Calculon - Futurama
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill
"Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." Unknown
"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: 'Cover for me.' Number 2: 'Oh, good idea, Boss!' Number 3: 'It was like that when I got here.'" Homer Simpson - The Simpsons
"Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?" Sideshow Bob - The Simpsons
"Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." Carl Zwanzig
"The object of war is not to die for your country, it's to make the other bastard die for his." General George S. Patton
"This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers" Randal Graves - Clerks
"Guns don't kill people... but they sure help."
"There's only two men I trust. One of 'em's me, the other one's not you" Cameron Poe - Con Air
"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." George W. Bush
"Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?" Jay - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
"That's what the Internet is for! Slandering others anonymously."
"Fighting fair is for people that don't know how to avoid losing correctly."
"I don't drink from the fountain of wisdom, I gargle."
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
"I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm." - George Carlin
"A fighter with lesser skill can knock out a man in one punch, but a regular person can make a skilled fighter cry like a girl with a single bullet."
"No technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head! It lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to you until you finish, which you then indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!" Gin Rummy - The Boondocks (And my thoughts on that stupid fucking bluetooth kick that 85% of this country was on a few years ago)
"If at first you don't succeed, deny that you were really trying in the first place."
"If you get glitter on you prepare to have it on you forever, because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." Dimitri Martin
"Keep your expectations low. If you expect a kick in the balls, but get a slap in the face, then it's a victory."
"I've got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees."
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."
"You never want to be in a fair fight if an unfair fight is an option." Forrest Griffin - Be Ready When The Sh*t Goes Down (A Survival Guide To The Apocalypse)
"Cheating: The Plan B of winners for over 2000 years."
"Right leg: hospital, left leg: cemetery." Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic (For those that do not understand you need to go to Youtube)
"The thing you should be thinking about isn't whether or not I can actually kill you with the nail clippers, it should be the fact that whether I can or not is irrelevant. No matter if I can or not, you know full well that I'm going to try, and that more than anything else should scare the hell out of you for more than one reason and answer your question right there." Me - Taken verbatim from my younger brother questioning my sanity after pissing me off in my bedroom post-shower and I took to threatening him with aforementioned grooming device.
"And that's the moral of the story. Some niggas need to go jail! I may be in hell, but at least I ain't in jail, nigga! (laughs maniacally)" Colonel H. Stinkmeaner - The Boondocks
"We are not retreating -- We are advancing in another direction." General Douglas MacArthur
"Bullets... my only weakness. How did you know?" Officer Palumbo - Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
"Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
"There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."
"I don't understand a word you're going on about, but I know exactly what you're saying and I refuse to apologize."
"Nope, no matter how bad things seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit yer bitching."
"I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing, it's the same color as last place... It's purple."
"Women are like Voltron, the more you hook up the better it gets."
"There's no 'I' in team." "Oh yeah! Well there's no "you" in "team" either! So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks!"
Caboose: "Hey Church, ever wonder why we're here?"
Church: "You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that has happened, you know what I learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise them on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douchebag."
Caboose: "...I meant why are we up here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade."
Church: "Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade." - Red vs. Blue
"Yep, hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your enemies. Killing a man with your bare hands says 'We're all equals as men except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and your dead.' Of course dropping a nuke on them from 50 thousand feet is totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there just not enough time in this world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling."
"Shotgun to the face is a great contingency plan! Wanna see how it cures insubordination?" Sarge - Red vs. Blue
"You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war." - Napoleon Bonaparte
"Fruit don't talk... Fruit just listens... and waits." Earlie Cuyler - Squidbillies
"Okay I'm going to be completely serious with you... There's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that."
"Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupid."
"You should never avert your eyes from death, never look away from the lives you have taken. And you should never forget the people that you have killed, because I can assure you they will never forget you." Solf J. Kimblee - Fullmetal Alchemist
"Bed is for sissies, unless you're having sex in which case... yeah, bed is still for sissies." Gregory House - House
"I've run over black cats that were luckier than me."
"Thank God I wore underwear today." Derek Zoolander - Zoolander
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide... your absence." Me
"I'm so miserable without you it's like you're right there with me." Me
"I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there." Charlie Sheen
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Charlie Sheen
"A.A. was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis-DNA." Charlie Sheen
"Dying is for fools... amateurs." Charlie Sheen
"C.B.S. picked a fight with a warlock." Charlie Sheen
"If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you'd be like, 'Dude! I can't handle it, unplug this bastard!' It fires in a way that's maybe not from this, uh... this terrestrial realm." Charlie Sheen
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars." Charlie Sheen... and now me.
"If it doesn't hurt you're not doing it right... just like sex." Me
"Experience isn't something you get until right after you need it."
"I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money."
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
"I'm a peaceful man with bad intentions."
"There's a new sheriff in town... and he has an army of assassins."
"I just had a brainstorm." "I wasn't aware storms could exist in a vacuum."
"I wake up in the morning and piss excellence."
Fit Tony: "That's why I keep my friends close-."
Homer Simpson: "-And your enemies closer?"
Fit Tony: "No. Why would I do that? If they were close they would kill me."
"Just because you sold seven million albums doesn't mean you're talented. It just means that there are seven million people that are stupid as hell." Phil 'CM Punk' Brooks
"Do you know what it's like going through life being better than everybody? It's hard."
"If it doesn't kill you, use it and kill somebody else..."
"I want a shirt that just says "f* you" on it, and I want to wear it while walking through airports all day. There's no such thing as a bad word, just bad intentions."
"I've been imitated so well I've heard people copy my mistakes." Jimi Hendrix
"If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything; it is that you can kill anyone." Michael Corleone - The Godfather: Part II
"You cannot achieve success, without the risk of failure. And I learned a long time ago, you cannot achieve success, if you fear failure. If you're not afraid to fail, man, you have a chance to succeed. But you're never gonna get there unless you risk it all the way. I was a failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous." Paul Heyman
"Show me a man with a combover and I'll show you a man that believes that by crushing a bag of chips... you make more chips." Sheng Wang
"My plans always work! ...Sometimes!"
"Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said... 'I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.'" Ricky Bobby - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
"If animals have taught me anything it's that you can die very quickly and very suddenly under a bus or on the side of the road." Charlie - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
"I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal." Peter La Fleur - Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
"Saying you're a history major out loud is basically just the same thing as telling your friends, 'Yes, I do remember every dumbass thing you've ever done in front of me, and I can bring it up accurately whenever I want, so don't start.' I love it, but there's not a whole lot of good job options available for it. What the hell am I going to do, teach? I'm way too hateful to teach kids." Kenchi618 - Me at Buffalo Wild Wings after being asked by friends why I try to major in communications instead of the other thing that I'm good at
"Live every week like it's Shark Week." Tracy Jordan - 30 Rock
"I am finished doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, 'something that kills people.' And in that purpose, I was a success. I've done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut." Hattori Hanzo - Kill Bill Vol.1
("Money doesn't buy happiness.") Rebuttal: "...Have you ever tried not having money before?"
"You know who's going to inherit the earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war, especially with yourself." Yuri Orlov - Lord or War
"Ambition is the willingness to kill the thing you love and eat them to stay alive." Jack Donaghy - 30 Rock
"There are only three kinds of people in this world; those who can count and those who can't."
"You can't touch music, but music can touch you." Mordecai - Regular Show
"If you never choose a side and always stay in the middle you'll never have to directly face down quite as much as if you did, but you'll also always have at least one thing at your open back ready to take a free shot at you no matter which way you turn."
"Schools is this nation's backbone." Cam Brady - The Campaign
"Cain Velasquez might be able to take me down. He might be able to take me down 10 times. But for each of those times he takes me down, I'm going to stand back up. If I land 10 punches on Cain Velasquez, he's not going to stand back up." Junior dos Santos
"If I tell you I'm good, you would probably think I'm boasting. If I tell you I'm no good, you know I'm lying." Bruce Lee
"Ahh Twitter... giving cowards a forum to say things to people they would never say in real life, since 2006." Phil 'CM Punk' Brooks
"Cats are kind of like girls. If they come and talk to you it's great. But if you try to talk to them it doesn't always go so well." Shigeru Miyamoto
"Wanna make a monster? Take the parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable - your weaknesses, bad thoughts, vanities, and hungers - and pretend they're across the room. It's too ugly to be human. It's too ugly to be you. Children are afraid of the dark because they have nothing real to work with. Adults are afraid of themselves." Richard Silken - Black Telephone
"If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off."
"Ignorance isn't just bliss, it's also great motivation. There's nothing quite as inspiring as not knowing that you can't do something." Kenchi618
"James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does, because James Cameron IS... James Cameron." James Cameron - South Park
"The world is diagonal. I am the balancing point." Vaas - Far Cry 3
"Life cares about you a little less every second you're alive." Greg Fitzsimmons
"I was in public office and I left public office the only way a person should. In handcuffs." Chael Sonnen
"Well-rounded just means that you suck at a lot of things all at once. Try growing a spine and mastering something for a change, worm." Chael Sonnen
"I'm not a cheater, I'm a gangster. Gangsters follow their own set of rules and it's up to another gangster to attempt to stop me." Chael Sonnen
"If as an adult male you have to stop and actually consider whether or not something you're doing is legal, it's probably not."
"Unless someone is a child, exclaiming with surprise, "Wow, you are so well spoken," is a Dolomite-level backhanded compliment." Samoa Joe
"Animals should be food, rugs, and trophies. Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit?" Frank Reynolds - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
"Did you know that cats can make one thousand different sounds and dogs can only make ten? Cats, man... not to be trusted." - Jensen - The Losers
Man Law
1. No wasted beer in the name of humour.
2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control.
3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it's a 6 day waiting period.
4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friends home.)
5. Short-shorts have been banned... Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.
6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.
7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.
8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler. This is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.
9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.
10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.
11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you're not a man.
12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.
13. When a man is borrowing a buddy's tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey... who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours?
14. When your friend picks up a hot girl... however the hot girl has an ugly friend... it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repaid.
15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper-rock-scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.
Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride, unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn't care about muddy seats.
16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.
17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.
18. You poke it you own it.
19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.
20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye-to-eye if she was to ever find out.
21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to ensure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting girls does not count... rule is an exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.
22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E ... Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet... or if a man is figuratively in a girl's pants... (Or any other article of clothing).
23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.
24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
25. Being a pirate should be considered a manly job because pirates get two types of booty.
26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat; if not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.
27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.
28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice. No need to say "I'm Sorry".
29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated, refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.)
30. Under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another man's attempt at getting some tang. Let's just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man Status and its privileges, and will result in the title 'Manbitch'.
31. Every man should watch Sportscenter at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.
32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn't mind an unfair fight, seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used if said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an UFC cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime, and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it.
33. If a woman is present, whether family or friend, no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as: Mother's Day, birthdays, or St. Patrick's Day... or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.
34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from 'Man' to 'Manbitch' and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.
35. Women can't drive.
36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.
37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of 'Manbitch' from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly... and what is not.
38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don't agree with the war, they are your countrymen fighting to protect you and you should show them your support.
39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years' past.
40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play. When leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.
41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.
42. A man will not live in his parents' house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.
43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman, "Do you like this?" And the right to leave the room.
44. Sex is more important than talking.
45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.
46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.
47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat
48. Men will invite other men to Man Law
49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it's not their brand."
50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game, shoes or not.
51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.
52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.
53. If you spill a man's beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.
54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can't drink it in said time, don't open it. If you can't drink it in said time, your Man Status will be up for review.
55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.
56. It is never a man's responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be stacked or crushed, while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor's lawn.
57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.
58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.
59. The bachelor's party is exclusively male. (Except the entertainment).
60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It's understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.
61. A man purse is still a purse.
62. No man shall dance for fun unless it's to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.
63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it's on game day and to support his team.
64. No man shall bring a woman to the guys' night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.
65. If you do not sweat, it's not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)
66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.
67. No man shall wear a beret unless it's for his military service.
68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.
69. No man shall ever, under any circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.
70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race where the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.
71. The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want," gets an Xbox. End of story.
72. Keeping beer from others by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.
73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.
74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.
75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.
76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done, but only when alone or with other men.
77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.
78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.
79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, it is perfectly accepted to watch.
80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.
81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.
82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable. Any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal. Exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. Exception to this rule are monkeys.
83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler... ever... unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.
84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.
85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female's identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read).
86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.
87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.
88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.
89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.
90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.
91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO.
92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item, trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined.
93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet.
94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "Down in Tijuana," "One time when we were all piss drunk," or "And this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw."
97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination. Beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own -grill, car, firstborn child- within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend's birthday is optional.)
104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. You should know such things.
106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes - as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
109. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it's broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick's Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick's Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.
112. When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole-to-hole or pole-to-pole are only acceptable. If it is pole-to-pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "Fag" may be deemed necessary, resulting immediate demotion in man status.
The Man of 1004 Holds
In an effort to further boost my ever fluctuating self esteem and kill time I will be posting over the course of time every single fighting move that I am capable of doing. Hopefully being able to actually reach 1004 at some actual point in time, and if there are those of you out there that are asking, "why 1004? Why not a nice round number?" Then you're a round number loving douchebag... and you are completely missing the reference I'm trying to make.
(A cookie to anyone that actually recognizes the reference of which I am speaking, and if you have to question the number of times one particular move is in the list, you automatically fail.)
I Will Never Reach 1004 Moves in my lifetime... Hell, 300 actual moves would be fucking fantabulous*
1. Kimura
2. Armbar
3. Roundhouse Kick (Eat it Chuck Norris!)
4. Superman Punch (Barely ever works)
5. Thai Clinch (Followed by a violent flurry of guided knees and maybe elbows)
6. Armbar
7. Push Kick
8. Short Elbow
9. Rear Naked Choke
10. Crucifix
11. Americana Submisision
12.Guillotine Choke
13. Armbar
14. D'arce Choke
15. Heel Hook
16. Belly to Belly Suplex
17. German Suplex (Greatest move ever conceived)
18. Flying Knee Strike
19. Arm Triangle Choke
20. Gogoplata Choke
21. Armbar
22. Half-Wheel Trip
23. Double-Leg Takedown (Most basic move ever)
24. Salaverry Transition (Side Mounted Crucifix)
25. Ankle Lock
26. Flying Mata Scissors (or Frankensteiner to those of you that had no clue what I was saying... oh who am I kidding you probably still don't. And if you do this is not bullshit, this move is totally legal in amateur wrestling, seriously. It is also a good way to break your own neck.)
27. Back Heel Trip
28. Triangle Choke
29. Kneebar
30. Headbutt (Do not doubt the brevity of the headbutt)
31. Clock Choke
32. Box Choke
33. North-South Choke
34. Scorpion Crunch
35. BOLT Lock
36. Half Boston Crab (Is Legit)
37. Anaconda Vice (Again... Legit)
38. Gogoplata
39. Armbar
40. Rubber Guard Rolling Sweep
41. Leg Kick-High Kick Opposite Legs Combination
42. Spinning Back Fist (Never really works unless your opponent is retarded/negligent)
43. Omoplata
44. Ax Kick to downed opponent
45. Soccer Kicks to downed opponent's head (Not really a technique. Any idiot can kick someone in the head)
46. Belly to Back Suplex
47. Peruvian Necktie
48. Armdrag
49. Armbar
50. Body Triangle
51. Dragon Screw Leg Whip
52. Rolling Front Kick
53. "Showtime" Kick
54. Can Opener
55. Sweep from Butterfly Guard
56. Neck Bridge Sweep from Side Mount
57. Sweep to Mount from Armbar
58. Armbar
59. Lockdown Position Sweep From Half-Guard
60. Single-Leg Takedown
61. Shihonage: Four Direction Throw
62. The Jailbreak
63. Duck-Under Takedown
64. Hip Toss from Clinch
65. Armbar
66. Flying Scissor Heel Hook
67. Fuck-Start the Head (I will kill you with this move, this is not for regulated MMA, this is for when someone just needs to disappear forever. It will break your neck every single time, and every wrestler that tries a half-assed Double-Leg Takedown should know that I can kill them every time they try it with this.)
68. Over-Commitment Leg Sweep
69. Diving Stomp to a Downed Opponent's Head (Not legal in the U.S., however if I ever go to Japan and fight there it's all good and someone's head will be getting squashed. PRIDE-style.)
70. Twister
71. Inverted Triangle Choke
72. Pump Kick
73. Spinning Back Kick
74. Von Flue Choke
75. Banana Split (This move suuucks... for you)
76. Armbar
77. Kamikaze Calf Crusher
78. Feint Step Lead Leg High Kick
79. Calf Slicer
80. Mounted Triangle Choke
81. Crusher
82. Knee Pick
The Situation in Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."