Some would say I was being an overdramatic drama queen for staying in my room for the rest of the week , but I would call it having your heart broken for the very first time . And let me tell you , it stinks. It ABSOLUTELY , POSITIVELY , 100 % STINKS !
I've cried so many tears , I didn't even think it was humanely possible to still survive after all the excess water I've cried out. But yet , here I was. Praying helped alot. I've been doing A LOT of that lately. I've just had SO MANY questions to God on why and how this could've happend. Was it something I did ? Something I didn't do ? Was this all my fault?
I've accepted that the answers to my questions wouldn't be something I would want to hear. But neither was 'I'm letting you go Amaya ' or we wouldn't have been here right now . So I guess the hardest part has been not the fact that I was dumped, but the fact that there wasn't a REAL reason behind it. Like how some people breakup beacause they didn't love eachother anymore - We still do - Or how some broke up because they ' couldn't make it work ' - we still could - but our situation was A LOT more complex than that . So I've started to accept my fate that there was no going back and that there's nothing I could do. But that's a lot easier said than done.
When I got his final text goodbye this morning - saying he's getting on the plane and that he never meant to hurt me - I was despondent all over again. It was like at that moment I knew this was it. THIS was his final goodbye. And... I just wasn't ready to let him go yet ...
"Amaya ?" A knock sounded at my door , accompanied by Logan's sorrowful voice .
"I'm not here." I mumbled through another wave of tears , hiding my head underneath my covers. This was my mom's 5th attempt at getting me out of my room and as my dad referred to it ' out of my funk ' yet sending Logan up here wasn't going to make any difference. Infact , it just made me feel even worse than I already felt. Dragging yet another person into my crazy life.
"Oh come on Amaya , you need to eat something. " I heard his voice a lot closer now, while I peaked from underneath my covers.
"I said to not come in ..." I pouted while he sat the tray of food on my side table.
"And I , promised your mom I'd get you to eat something. "
"Well tell her I'm not hungry. " I huffed , pulling the covers over my head again only to be poked at my side by Logan's jabbing finger and lame attempt at cheering me up. Accepting defeat, I sat up and took the tray against my will and loss of appetite. "Fine. But it's not because you asked it's just because it's my mom's crepes and I can't let them go to waste."
"Whatever. " he said with a chuckle, lifting his hands up in surrender while I ate the whole plate in pure enjoyment.
"I know you probably don't want to talk about it yet... but know that when you're ready, I'm here for you. "
"Thanks Logan. " I said , handing him the tray back.
"Oh , it was more your mom than anything. I just carried it up here."
"No , I mean thank you. For being here for me . It ... means a lot. " I said , mustering the first smile in 4 days.
"No problem. You've been there a lot for my mom and me . So ... It's nice being able to return the favour. You know , if it had been under better circumstances. " He said , scratching the back of his neck nervously.
"Yeah, I know... It's just , I don't really know what I did wrong you know ? I've thought I've done everything right - if there even is a RIGHT way to date - but like, even when we broke up I pleaded and suggested we do long distance but he just wasn't into that whole thing so then I said I'll wait but he didn't want to ' expect that from me' . But I mean is it really excepting something if the thing you're doing is for someone you lo-" my rant was cut short by his lips connecting with mine unexpectedly. And at first I was too surprised to pull back that I ACTULLY kissed him back, but that's before my senses took over and I pulled back.
"I... I'm so sorry . I don't know why I just did that. I-just, you looked so cute rambling and I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry if I -"
"Logan , it's okay. I'm not upset it's just ... I ... don't want you to be my rebound you know ? I JUST got out of a relationship and I still have a lot of healing to do ... " I tried to make him understand but the more I looked at him , the more I saw his brokenness .
"Yeah uh , no I get it. It's cool. " He tried to brush it off , but I knew him better than that.
"Logan , please understand. I'm going to feel so guilty if I just jumped into this with you without working all of my feelings with Aiden out first. I NEED this. I NEED to fully heal . Please say you understand? " I pleaded , hoping that he wouldn't see this as me just shooting him down again.
"Of course I understand Amaya. And you take as long as you need. And when you're ready , I'll be here waiting for you . As long as it takes. " He said right before he got up and left. I couldn't form a single word , this was above and beyond the Logan I grew up with. It was ... way more than that .
I knew I couldn't fight my feelings for him forever . That much I knew the second Aunt Tanya made me realize he was more than a brother to me. That he had NOTHING on Shawn - who in comparison WAS like a brother to me - but yet still so far from the boyfriend and future husband I needed. We both still had a lot of growing up to do. And maybe... this was for the best right now. Maybe this is just what the both of us needed... to grow . And to learn...
I think I'm ending this here 😊 I'm sorry my chapters have gotten so short . But I find it difficult to make time to write these last few weeks but I'll be back with writing FULLER chapters soon. Hope you all enjoyed it. Thank you so much for reading. Remember to leave your thoughts in the comment section below. Until next time, keep howling my wolves ❤🐺