It's been a week since we've returned to Pierce's home. Everything I had hoped to find coming back wasn't here.
Nothing was the same.
I couldn't place it, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to but what I did know was that this place was shrouded in memories that I couldn't regain. My wolf fought me hard and Pierce always seemed to snap me out of it when I tried to think. It was becoming frustrating. I wanted to remember, but they all act like it wasn't worth remembering. I felt differently though.
I couldn't apologize if I didn't know what I was apologizing for. I couldn't be forgiven if I didn't know why I had to be forgiven.
My wolf was keeping secrets and hiding from me. I felt lonely, my heart hurt knowing my wolf didn't want to be present. That whatever he was hiding was more important then us being one. I must have hurt him as well.
When Pierce was home, he barely let me leave his side. Showering became a task. The Cat barely let me out of his sight when I bathed. He didn't let me touch my wounds, didn't let me look in the mirror. He was overprotective to a fault and that added on to my guilt.
The guilt I felt every time I looked at Pierce was crushing. Pierce played it off, but sometimes he'd look at me and there would be something that was off. I let a growl out in frustration. I couldn't be strong if I wasn't given the opportunity.
I needed my memories.
Yet when Pierce left for the day, I was always too fearful to chase the memories.
I would be too hesitant to touch my healing stomach, search the tree line.
Instead, I focused on his words.
The small looks he'd give me.
Words that he had once spoken, danced around my mind when he eyes gazed at me in certain ways. When he left me every morning, I would turn them over in my head.
"To mate an Omega would shame my family, oh no fleabag."
Words that I knew were true but I was too scared to question their authenticity. Words that left me alone.
I had a feeling he was trying to find a way to tell me I had to leave, or he was trying to let me know that I was no longer useful.
But then... at night, he would confuse me. He'd make sure to hold me. He surrounded me in his scent. The feeling of his weight, his arms, the feel of his breaths softly hitting my face as he slept, or the soft purring, all those things confused me.
I felt comfort from those arms.
I felt comforted by his voice, his presence.
He kept the bad out when he was here, I was conflicted.
Did I have a right to ask him what he thought of me? Or if he planned to make me leave? He was my savior in many ways and I've continued to let him down, use him.
I had no right.
He also hadn't kissed me since we were in the hospital. Had he just done what he thought I needed?
Had he only kissed me to upset Kain?
I felt my wolf whine at my thoughts. It was surprising to feel my beast step forward. He didn't like the thought of leaving Pierce and he missed the intimacy. I had a feeling that my wolf also shared my doubts and worries. He knew something was off with the Cat. He felt the strange atmosphere but he was so preoccupied with keeping my memories hidden that he didn't concern himself with it too much.
I felt my hands start to shake as I stepped towards the window. I tried to stay in Pierce's room when he left. The rest of the house didn't feel right. Looking out the window toward the tree line I closed my eyes, I felt the building fear. The trees triggered me. This window called my name. Something about this spot was lost within my mind. I tried to breathe, but my breaths became haggard so I forced myself to take a step back.
The Moon would chuckle tonight knowing I was in distress. She seemed to make her presence known more and more lately. It's been difficult finding somewhere, where her eyes aren't able to find me.
The shame I felt whenever the moon peeked through a curtain had me walking toward the door, the closet, I needed to get there.
The closet.
After the first night, Pierce had left in the morning to get food. I had stood by the door waiting for him to come home when the voices started. It wasn't just the moons glaring gaze that seemed to find me no matter where I went but now it was the voices.
His voice.
And now hers as well.
I could hear his voice calling out to me, beckoning me into his arms. I could feel his breath tickling the back of my neck, could smell his filthy scent cling to the walls of the house. Beta followed me.
I could hear her condemning words. Her scrutinizing eyes, so much like the Moon Goddess who despises me, but with more malice and a direct approach. I wasn't sure why her voice clung to me but it's shrill noise sent goosebumps down my spine.
He was everywhere, she followed, and when their voices finally stopped I had found myself inside the hall closet, buried under coats and miscellaneous items. That day, I didn't move, not even when Pierce returned because the closet had made it all stop. The voices no longer called out to me, the scents couldn't reach my nose, and the eyes that were always following me seemed to lose sight the moment I had hidden.
Pierce had been so confused when he found me, but I ignored his questions. I didn't want him to know.
When Kain had come later that evening, forcing me out, the voices had returned, this time though I couldn't hide, so I just sat there with Kain next to me in his wolf form. He was tense himself but didn't pry and left promptly. When he left I had found myself back in the closet where I stayed until Pierce had me go to bed.
Every chance I got now, I went into that closet. After the second day, Pierce had cleared it out and now, I've become obsessive. I know I have, yet I'm content with it.
I felt the bite from my wolf as I continued to stare at the window, but turned on my heel and rushed toward the door. The ringing, the voices, I needed to get away.
I know I shouldn't run. I was still healing and Pierce would scold me later but I had to run.
I was always running.
I probably should follow the rules.
"Toby," I jumped at the sound of Ben's voice, the noise forcing a squeak out of me.
Whirling around at his voice, Ben stood there, leaned up against the outside of the bedroom wall. His arms were crossed and besides the shorts he wore, he was bare to my eyes. Pierce had left early this morning. I knew he wouldn't be home anytime soon. Usually, he planned it so that Kain would come while he was out. They had made arrangements the first day Kain had come. It was Bens idea so that the tension wouldn't cause unneeded stress.
Everyone seemed to walk on eggshells around me, I wasn't sure how that made me feel. I wasn't used to being considered, to them thinking of me first.
My face lifted slightly so that my nose could get a good smell of the scents around me. Ben was here, alone.
"Kain?" A small but sad smile formed on his lips.
"Not today, he's..." I watched as Ben paused for a moment, I could see he was struggling to find a reason for his Alphas absence. "He'll be here tomorrow."
I wasn't sure how I felt about his answer. From what happened before, with Kain transforming, I knew there was something about me being an Omega that helped him. I was his small hold on reality but I wasn't sure why or even how it worked. A part of me worried about the Alpha, though a bigger portion of me feared him.
I gave Ben a small nod, I felt a small nagging and the need to hide started to grow as Ben continued to look at me.
Something didn't feel right.
Kain's absence.
Bens demeanor.
His cheerful face wasn't bright.
"Toby," I took a step back as his hand reached out towards me. His eyes widened and immediately he dropped it to his side. "Toby, listen... I don't think it's safe for you to stay here."
The hair at the base of my neck stood on end.
Safe? What did he mean? Pierce was here, I was safe.
"Pierce, safe." My words were firm. How could this place be unsafe?
"I know, but things are changing and I'm worried that you'll be collateral damage." What damage? Change? What was changing?
Panic.
I felt it start, and before Ben could continue I bolted for my space.
My safe haven.
My small bit of sanctuary.
My small den.
Ben didn't chase after me at first, but soon I heard his footsteps on the outside of my door.
I huddle to the very back, knees pulled up, my forehead resting against them as my arms hugged them tightly. My body rocked as I tried to ignore the wolf.
"Toby, I'm not trying to scare you, please just listen." His voice was soft.
I felt the bile rise.
I don't want to hear his words.
I didn't need to hear them. What could be so unsafe about Pierce?
About this home?
I wouldn't leave, I didn't want to leave.
"I'm not saying anything bad about Pierce, but he has a family. His form of pack."
A flash of memory from my first night back hit me. I remembered the strange smells.
"Cats, the Jaguars, they don't like wolves. Your former Alpha, Clyde, he—"
Clyde?
My heart skipped a beat.
Clyde...
Where was he? Was he safe?
Alive?
In danger?
Was he looking for me?
I've changed, what would think of me?
Would he consider me a traitor?
"Toby!"
I jumped, at the sound of Pierce calling me, but made no movements to leave.
"Ben, what are you doing here?" I could feel the Cats annoyance with Ben through the door. Pierce didn't like it when Ben came with Kain every day. He had initially argued with them about it until Boman called. Ben was here to ensure that if Kain and Pierce decided to fight, that I'd be safe.
"I came to let Toby know that Kain couldn't come today. I figured I'd hang around for a bit." Bens' voice was strong, but I could tell he was dodging the question. Normally the male made me comfortable, his presence comforting, but after his words from moments ago, I wasn't sure how he made me feel.
I didn't like it.
"I don't think that's necessary."
"Pierce, don't leave Toby alone," Pierce growled at the words. Ben was being unnaturally aggressive with his words. "We know what's going on at the border, just because Kain isn't in his right mind doesn't mean he can't protect the pack. If anything he's more dangerous now."
"Leave."
"If Toby gets hurt..."
Pierce let a snarl out. "Get out you, flea-bitten dog!"
I heard a sigh from Ben.
Ben wasn't one to fight. I've learned that. The male was built, strong and proud about being second in command over Kain's pack, but he was peaceful. Images from the first time I'd met him flashed in my mind. He tried to treat me gently while appeasing his Alpha.
"Avalon released him, your pack is focused on breaching the treaty and you are fine leaving him?"
The growling immediately stopped, my heart sped up.
Avalon.
"What?"
"She's an elder, she convinced the council to release him because he was half mated to Toby." Bens' words sounded far away.
"Kain is hunting him down but your pack is making it hard for him to do anything. He can't leave the area for long, and now when he hears that you leave Toby, for not just a little bit, but HOURS every day, he's going to storm in here and force him back into the pack."
I tried to keep up with the conversation but suddenly, my safe spot no longer felt safe.
"That mutt isn't half mated to him, why is she spewing lies? And when did this all happen?" Pierces voice was barely restrained.
"A week ago."
"Do we have a location?"
"From what the trackers have gathered, Clyde has taken him and hidden him. The wolf is also on Cat territory..."
"Fuck." Pierce didn't sound too surprised.
"You know." Bens' voice was accusing.
Fear sprung in me.
Avalon.
Who did she release?
Why was Clyde on cat territory and who was he hiding?
What did Pierce know?
"I know about Clyde, I didn't know about the rest."
—
AN: I'm back! This is late but unexpected company equaled mass chaos. So I had to put off writing and I was going to split this into two parts so I could not do a short chapter but then... I'm tired lol... I just decided to be a better human next week. No visitors. Just so you all know I had MASSIVE guilt all last night and was up and down writing this, and I've been editing while having a conversation, and at this point, I'm posting because I want to go look at puppies.
That's all...
Haha.
Until next week! Thank you all for being awesome and staying with me and supporting AO while I've been away. No more breaks! Write write write!!