Ledi and I lay the final pieces of my instrument panel together. Three large sections curve around what I decided was going to be the ship's forward, forming a spacious cockpit where a single pilot could spin around and manage the various instruments I picked. Yesterday, we punched a hole through the wall and carved out the space I need for a floor-to-ceiling view. Now we're keeping our hands busy while we wait for glass-makers to bring me my windows. I had a few others made to join the single orange-covered porthole in the brig.
I gaze over at it, remembering when I had buckled in next to it and watched the Invaders shoot at our caravan. I remember the long hours I spent staring through it, trying to glimpse the stars beyond.
Now, I'm getting an upgrade, but I'll keep it there to remind me of what this whole thing once was.
Returning to my current objective, I stand between my terminals, reach out, and realize I may have made the thing too big.
"May I make a suggestion, ma'am?"
I stretch from my left, touching one panel and fail to reach right to touch the other. "Ledi. I've told you, call me Janika. Lorn. Anything. I don't have a title anymore."
"Janika. May I make a suggestion?"
"Shoot."
"At what?"
"No, I mean go ahead. Give me your suggestion."
"Why not place a second seat between the terminals?"
I drop my arms and twist around to look at him. "Why would I do that?"
"Wouldn't it be easier to use all of your ship's functionality if you had a co-pilot at your side? Someone responsible for one-half of the instruments while you manage the other half? You elected to include enough features for manual piloting that you have made it difficult for a single pilot to operate on her own."
"Hey," I point a finger at his face. "That's the kind of negativity that won't be allowed on my ship."
Ledi's brightness powers down a fraction. "I have failed you."
"If you're going to mope, take it elsewhere. This lovely one and I have some panels to weld together." I grab my welding torch and caress it.
Just as I pull my goggles over my eyes, a boxy shadow stretches out in front of me.
"Have you taken a rest at all today, my dear Lorn?"
I spin around. Teeno stands like a beam of blue light at the entrance of my ship's aft with his hands behind his back, his buttons shining off the overhead hangar lights.
"I wasn't planning on it."
His sharp silver eyes glint even brighter. "What if I told you I had a surprise?"
"I don't know how many more of your surprises I can handle, Teeno. This has already been so much."
"Come now, it's less of a surprise and more of a necessary provision I haven't mentioned before. Come, come. That's it. Come here."
I wipe my dirty hands on the rag hanging out of my coverall pocket and head over. "Okay, I'm intrigued."
Ledi follows me. When he enters the brightness of the hangar, I notice his disheveled hair, the oil and ash on his cheeks and coveralls. No wonder I've become more comfortable with him—his filth makes him more human than ever before. Perfection on humanity isn't natural.
"Ledi!" Teeno gasps. "My God, what has become of you? Have you seen yourself?"
Ledi's brow furrows. He touches his hair, face, and chest. "Sir. My apologies. I haven't reset in so long." Like a static surge on a television set, Ledi's appearance fades and returns as the crisp, pristine man-shape he was before.
I groan. "You know, I was just starting to get used to him as a dirty mechanic. Now you've gone and made him creepy-clean again."
Ledi's look of panic returns. "Shall I return? I can undo the previous refresh."
"It's fine. I'll get you dirty again in no time." I face Teeno. "So what's all this about? You barge in, interrupt some serious cockpit planning, and freak my engineer out. This has got to be some big surprise."
Teeno's devilish grin returns. "I hope you stay long enough to learn that nothing I do is small... Pick a hand."
I look at his elbows that are out and bent like chicken wings behind him. "Teeno, I don't have time for games."
"Where's the fun in life without stakes? Come now! Pick!"
"Left."
"Mine or yours?"
"Holy heap." I roll my eyes, reach out and tap the elbow to his left.
He pulls a large sandwich out from behind his back and holds it out for me to grab. "Many congratulations."
I take it, glad that I don't have to leave the hangar to eat today. "Thank you. Are you going to sit and eat the other with me? I don't have seating or anything, but—" I spin around, searching for something for his tidy ass.
He holds out his other hand. There's no sandwich there.
It's a leather drop leg rig with two pistols tucked inside their holsters.
My focused gaze snaps up to gape at him.
"The real reason I came here. Truth be told, that sandwich is mine." He takes it back from me and hands me the thigh rigs instead.
The leather dangles from my hands, the pistols weighing the holsters down. I throw it over my shoulder and release one of the weapons from their hold.
It's silver and sparkling blue with a shiny gemstone quality to the inlay across the barrel. With the lightest, most delicate touch, I run my fingertips along its gleaming edge. It sparkles, flecks of neon igniting under my skin.
It's as if the weapon is responding to me.
I grip it in each hand, testing its weight. Pulling out the other, I repeat, gazing at them, memorizing their contours and textures.
Teeno clears his throat.
"Thank you," I say, placing the handguns back in their holsters like I'm tucking them into bed. "They're incredible."
"They're yours."
"How much?" I scowl. "If I've learned anything about this galaxy, it's that nothing comes free. What do I owe you?"
The striking silver hair over Teeno's sterling eyes falls forward, bouncing against his forehead. He rakes his hand through the thick locks and flashes his mischievous grin. "My dear Lorn, this is your share of the race prize. You've already paid for this."
The electric blue. I know this color. "The glucker?"
"Their intestines secrete a powerful energy source. We only need one glucker to create the weapons we needed for our arsenal. If it was not for your involvement and your—" he lifts his arms and squeezes the air, mimicking me in my glucker-clutching pose—"tight grasp on the situation, then we would have been very low on necessary resources."
I hold the holster and handguns out in front of me. I still don't trust this.
Teeno steps forward, wraps his hands around mine and the holster, and pushes them close to my chest. "In this ship, despite our questionable methodology when it comes to your treatment, we are family. We do not lie to our own."
"Our own?"
"You were offered a position aboard the HMS Valediction, were you not?"
I stretch the holster out and snap it around my waist, pulling it until it's tight like a belt. "Yeah, but I can't take it."
"Why not?"
"Because I have two-thousand people waiting for me to come back." I snap the left strap down around my thigh and shift to snap the other one. "And because I have to find my son. Since no one here is going to help me, seems like I'm not really part of this cozy little family, am I?"
Teeno, despite the jovial face hidden behind premature silver hair and piercing gray eyes, is deep in concentration. He's almost as obvious as Ledi.
The rig hugs my body perfectly. It's more comfortable than the old rigs I had back in my Topside nights. Drawing the pistols quickly, I spin them in my hand, back, forward, back, and holstered.
"You're quick," Teeno says.
I nod and spin around to return to my dismantled cockpit. "If you're not splitting that sandwich with me, then I have to get back to work."
"This cozy little family, as you called us, has been through many ordeals together."
I stop. Teeno's voice lacks the chipper edge to it. There's no bubbly excitement or cheeky note. It's as severe as a flatline, making me slowly spin on my heel to see if he's really back there or it's some stranger.
Teeno watches me carefully. While still shining under the hangar lights, darkness shadows him. His brows lower and his lips form a grim line. "You don't know anything about us. The trials, the trauma we've all endured. You have no idea what Juno has done to him."
"We're comparing wounds now, are we?" I step up to him until we're inches apart. "Have you seen my scar yet?"
He doesn't lower his eyes to my abdomen even though I'm shaking, pointing right at the spot where, under my coveralls, a pink line splits my body in half.
"No. I don't share what you have. I don't remember Earth when it was bright and beautiful. I scraped through its dregs for my survival and the survival of what was left of us. I've never owned a goddamn thing that I could call my own. I've only just arrived in a world where I was promised freedom and they took my child."
Teeno doesn't move. He remains a silver statue.
"The one thing I didn't think they could take, they have it. And I'd rather die than let them get away with it. I don't know what the fuck happened to you or Nuna or Captain fucking Moon, but if this is some kind of club where I need a certain level of suffering to enter, then I don't want anything to do with it. I'm here for one thing. My family. Not yours."
He tenses when I get so close, I can feel his breath in my nose.
I spin around to return to the ship. "Thanks for the pistols. They'll look great blasting a hole through Juno's head."
"None of us suffered more than Moon," Teeno says.
Are we still having this conversation? I'm so done. I don't turn around and instead place my welder's goggles over my eyes and grab my gloves.
"I'm sure you've noticed his modifications by now. The many strange skins stretched across his body are not like anything you've seen. His surly attitude, his golden eye, and his burning hands—they're all scars of a five-hundred-year battle against Juno. You think he hasn't tried putting his own holes in her head?" Teeno pales. "Or holes in his own head for that matter... then you still have a lot to learn about this galaxy you've landed in."
"Why do you defend him so much?"
His soft laugh echoes through my ship's cabin. "At first, I was simply his employer. It was my responsibility. Then he became my friend..."
I know what he means. I'd do anything for my VIPERs. I'd do anything for Moyra, Coodi, Knuckles, or any of those floating on the ship Lady only knows how far away.
"I love him. Very much. But since Juno, he doesn't seem to know how to love."
I slip my goggles to the top of my head where they bunch up my long strands of hair. "You love him?"
"I do."
"How?"
"How does anyone explain why they love anyone?"
I nod. "What did Juno do that was so bad?"
Teeno chuckles again, his cheer returning. "That is a story you will have to ask him to tell you one day."
"What did she do to you?"
"Oh, me? Nothing. She is merely competition. I was abducted and sold into the markets as you were scheduled to be as well. Fortunately for me, I was made the plaything of a wealthy merchant. My most resplendent benefactor taught me what bounty was available from the universe and, in a bout of generosity, gave me my own ship. Fifty percent of our profit returns to our angel investor."
I gawk at him. "And you're happy with this arrangement?"
"Yes. I am apparently doing much better than I would have if I'd remained on our noble Motherplanet—may she Rest In Peace." He bows his head. "And I've built a home for us. A home with an empty seat at the table that I still extend to you, Janika Lorn. It is there if you want it."
"No thanks." I snap my goggles back over my eyes and turn away.
His soft pads exit my ship.
My gut pulls me from my anger. "Teeno," I say at his retreating back.
He looks over his shoulder at me.
"Thank you. For the offer, for the ship, for pistols. All of it. But I have to find my family. They need me."
"I understand. Love can make us do many strange things." He turns away and vanishes from my line of sight.
Ledi shifts from his place in the shadows, startling me.
"Were you there that whole time?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Teeno's words whirl through my mind. What is it about Moon's past with Juno that makes him such a surly dickhead? What happened between them that would make him want to end her life and his?
I run my gloved finger down the length of one of my cockpit panels."Hey Lexi... what can you tell me of Captain Moon's past?"
"Nothing, ma'am. It's confidential information."
I grumble. It doesn't matter, does it? I'll be off the HMS Valediction in no time and I'm never looking back. Grabbing my welding torch again, I crouch down to begin.
"Ma'am?"
"Yeah?"
"What does love feel like?"
I lift my goggles to stare at Ledi. His meticulously clean form hovers over me, cocking his perfectly combed-back black haired head.
"It's horrible. You should be grateful you can't feel it because it's goddamn torture. Nothing but agony and unending frustration."
The light behind Ledi's eyes dim "I don't understand."
"Join the club."
"Wonderful! I would enjoy membership."
I grin at the floor. "There's no actual club, Ledi. It's a figure of speech."
He dims again. "If love is agony and unending frustration, why does Captain Moon still hold onto it? Why does Teeno love Moon if it hurts him? Do humans enjoy this form of pain?"
"Wait. Are you saying he still loves Juno?" I pull off my gloves and scoot closer to Ledi's place on the deck.
"He has said her name on average sixty-four-point-three times per clyk. To me in my limited observation of the phenomenon, that seems what a human would do in love."
"Sounds more like an obsession to me. I can't believe he still loves her..."
"Who is Dean?"
I lean back. "Where did you hear that name?"
"You repeat it in your sleep on average seven-point-eight times per—"
"No I don't!"
Ledi cocks his head. "Would you like to view the playback?"
"You record me sleeping?" I shriek and rise, backing away from the bot.
"I record every interaction and log it."
"Stop it. That's weird."
His frown deepens into horror. "Shall I wipe my memory? I have a function to clear the storage if needed."
"Can you only pinpoint the memory of me sleeping?"
"No, ma'am. It would be a full hard-drive wipe. Commencing in ten... nine..."
I rush over to Ledi and grab his shoulders. "No! No. Don't do that. Moon will kill me. Okay, it's fine. But from now on, you're leaving the hangar when I'm not conscious. Do you understand that?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay. Good." I zip my zipper a little higher. "Let's get back to work. Or do you have any other existential questions I can't answer?"
"What does love feel like?"
Turned away from him, I roll my eyes. "Ledi, I don't have words to describe it besides the ones I gave you."
"If it is so terrible, why do organic humans do it?"
"We're compelled, I guess. Some of us, anyway."
He cocks his head to the side again.
"I didn't want to love Dean like I do. I wanted to be his friend forever, but we grew into something stronger. It's like, oh Lady, he's the one who's good at words. Not me."
Ledi cocks his head to the other side.
"It's like. Okay. How about this. It's like I am the planet." I hold my fist in the air between us. I pick up a bolt from the deck and hold it up next to my fist. "And Dean is the moon. No matter what, he's drawn to me and I'm drawn to him. Wherever I go, I feel this pull that keeps us close. Even if we're far apart and I can't see him, I still feel that pull. It's a lot like gravity or magnets. You can't see the connection, but it's there and it's always in effect."
He watches me circle the bolt around my fist a few times. "I don't understand."
I drop my hand and bolt. "That was literally the best way I can describe it. I'm out of words."
"Will you show me?"
I raise my brow. "How the hell am I supposed to do that?"
"A memory scan."
"Oh. That brain wave thing you do, right?"
"Will you allow me to search your memories?"
"Will you stop asking all these stupid questions if I let you see it?"
"Yes, ma'am!" His gray eyes widen in excitement. He leans forward, his perfect black hair still impeccable from his previous refresh. This is the truest emotion I've seen from him.
"Okay. But let's make it quick. There's still so much work to do.
Ledi rises and looks about the cabin. "It would be most comfortable in your hammock. He falls into it and glances at me expectantly.
I rise and stand beside it. "Seriously?"
He spreads his legs and smiles. "Lean against me. I will only need access to your thalamus for a few minutes."
"This isn't going to scramble my brain or hurt, will it?" I unclasp my holster and hang it from one of the hooks that hold my hammock. Tentatively, I slide into the net with Ledi, squeezing my body into the space between his knees.
Resting my back against his chest, I try to get comfortable. His body is hard and cold, like leaning against concrete.
"Please relax, ma'am," he says, cupping the back of my head and covering my ears.
"This is so freaking weird."
"You will not feel anything."
I cross my arms over my chest and yawn. I've been working twenty hours straight with small breaks. Maybe, since I'm already in the hammock and my robot friend knows I dream about Dean anyway, what's the harm in shutting my eyes for a minute or two.
I look up at Ledi. His dead, steely eyes stare straight ahead. He must be in my mind already. Leaning back farther, I try to get as comfortable as possible.
"Wake me in an hour, would you, Ledi?" I look up at him again.
He stares down at me. His eyes are a startling kaleidoscope of hazel.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Don't forget," I mumble. I'm so tired. I must be seeing things. "One hour."
He makes a noise of acknowledgment—something soft and gruff that rumbles from the gears in his chest. It rises and falls behind me. "Okay, Nika."
**A/N**
We're getting to the meat of HMS VAL and why I wrote it. If you're interested in my inspiration, keep reading on. If not, just know I love you. Thank you for reading this crazy story and for sharing your thoughts in the comments.
INSPIRATION
This whole book (and the ship) was inspired by John Donne's poem "A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning"
The poet was leaving his wife to go travel for work. She was so heartbroken, that he wrote this poem for her to try and ease their parting.
The word "valediction" means "goodbye".
Which I thought was really fitting for this book. The way Janika tries to explain love is how John Donne tried to explain it to his audience by saying love is like drawing with a compass. Where one puts their foot down, the other cannot go far, but orbit the other "leans" into it, and "makes me end where I begun".
I love this poem. SO many ways to interpret the meaning. I've included it below in case you wanted a taste of it.
PS: This is one of Dean's favorites. Because Dean would have definitely been a college professor specializing in Romantic-era literature and poetry if the world had not been destroyed by aliens.
DAMN YOU, ALIENS
A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning
As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say
The breath goes now, and some say, No:
So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.
Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears,
Men reckon what it did, and meant;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.
Dull sublunary lovers' love
(Whose soul is sense) cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
Those things which elemented it.
But we by a love so much refined,
That our selves know not what it is,
Inter-assured of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips, and hands to miss.
Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to airy thinness beat.
If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two;
Thy soul, the fixed foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if the other do.
And though it in the center sit,
Yet when the other far doth roam,
It leans and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.
Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.