3 years ago...
I felt my angry tears rush down my face. He did it to me again, I walked in on him and another woman in our bed. I couldn't take it anymore, I was done. I began smashing everything in my path, I screamed to the top of my lungs and finally allowed myself to feel everything I felt each time he did this to me.
I watched every single memory pass my eyes, every woman, every position, each of them moaning his name as he gave into them, cherishing their bodies like they were mine. He didn't fuck these woman, he didn't have sex with these women, he made love to them. He pleasured them in ways that I didn't even get to experience. Witnessing their naked bodies clashing together pierced every organ that I was born with.
He had broken me in ways I never knew was possible. My heart was ripped in two and I just wanted to break everything around me, I needed something other than my heart to hurt. So I threw whatever I found, I punched whatever I could and I violently beat his bare chest as he tried to wrap his arms around me. "NO!!! DON'T TOUCH ME."
I screamed as I tried to force my way out of his hold, the adrenaline running through me let me out of his arms as they were gating my fragile body. I slapped him with all of my might making him stumble backward, he cupped his cheek as he felt the sting of my broken soul hit him. "YOU DID IT TO ME AGAIN. YOU PROMISED - You promised."
My screams turned into whispers as my sobs got louder. The adrenaline pumping through my veins had me towering over him until I felt myself break for that final time. I felt my heart break into a million pieces when my knees dropped to the cold floor.
I was damaged goods and he did this to me, he made me this way. He broke me beyond repair. I wanted to numb all of this pain; the violent pound in my heart, my torn organ leaking out of my chest and my soul ripped from my body. Everything that I was, everything that I am was no more. He had not only broken my heart but my trust, my willingness to love another again and my soul.
"Baby please - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am so so sorry. I have a problem baby, I was trying and trying but then -" He breathed heavy as his eyes started to pool with tears. "Please don't leave me beautiful, I ne - I need you. I can't live without you, please." His voice cracked as the violent tears waterfalled down his eyes. And the worst part was my heart hurt more for him than it did for myself.
I sobbed as he begged and pleaded with me, it was like his emotions meant more to me than my own. I had lost all care for my own self and it was only him. I had lost myself in him. "I need you. I need you Monroe. Who can love me like you princess? Who can make me feel like you do? NO-ONE BABE, NOBODY!"
He screeched as he was tearing through my walls of brokeness. "Roe, just listen to me, please? I'm begging you." My lip quivered as I let out a whimper trying to hold back my tears, I looked up at him seeing everything he was feeling on his face. I saw the tiredness on his face, his bright eyes were dark and underlined with dark circles and all I wanted was to make it better.
No matter how much he did to me, I felt like I had to fix it. He was right; no-one could ever love him like me but I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
I slowly lifted myself up, almost stumbling over as I felt the heavy pain in my knees and just before I could topple over I felt his hands around me and my hands already in position to grab onto him. It was a reflex because he was my safety net, he was my carrier, he was my lifeline and in that split second, I thought how could I live without this man?
I looked up into his sorrowful eyes as he searched mine for acceptance, for forgiveness. I had to look down, he had once again soiled all over our marriage and I wanted to be strong enough to walk away but how could I? How could I start again? And who could ever love me?
I felt my chin being brought up as his thumb and index finger took hold, he wanted me to look into his eyes because from the day we had met he had always told me my eyes would never lie to you and I always believed them, they were sorry but I didn't know if he was.
"Baby I am so sorry. I know I said it the first, second and now the third time but I am genuinely so sorry. I'm just not made for monogamy babe. I hadn't cheated since we got married and I finally thought that I could do it, I wanted to give you everything that you ever wanted and I did but this one thing I couldn't. I don't want you to leave me, regardless of everything I love you, I just don't think I am cut out for this type of love."
I whimpered at his words "Chase, why didn't you just leave? Why put me through all of this? Why - why would you break my heart again? I don't deserve this."
"You're right." I heard his voice break "I was selfish, I love you with everything in me but I am selfish and I never put you first. I put my needs first, but I just couldn't let you go. You are my safe space, my peace, my tranquility, my home. And I wouldn't know who I am if I didn't come home to see your beautiful smile every single day. I need you Roe."
"I'm not enough Chase, if I was then you wouldn't need them."
"Baby you are enough. I don't deserve you but I'm just too selfish to let you go. But is that what you want? Do you want me to let you go? Because if that's what it takes for me to show you how sorry I am, to stop being selfish and let you be happy then I'll do it and I'll live out my miserable life without you. I love you so much and it's time that I show you, I'll let you be free babe."
My tears started to fall at an uncontrollable rate, my mind and my heart were torn. He was giving me an out, an exit strategy and even though my mind was telling me to go, my stupid heart was telling me to make it work. "I don't want to be free, I want you to love me the way I deserve. I want you to show me that your words don't just mean nothing. You tell me you love and I'm you're everything and then you go and do that?"
I say raising my voice as I gesture to our soiled marital bed. "I know, I know. But you feel this right?" He places my hand on his chest to feel his racing heart. "That's what you do to me, my heart is pounding so hard at the thought of losing you. My heart is literally forcing itself out of my chest trying to show you that it only beats for you. I hate that I did this to you but I have a problem and it's either we work through it together or we live our lives without each other. It's your decision."
"What are you saying Chase?"
"I'm saying - I'm saying why don't we redefine our love? I love you and you love me but we both knew that I wasn't cut out for marriage but we both don't want this to end, right? Why don't we try an -"
"An open-marriage?" I felt my throat go dry as I finally understood what he was suggesting. I was confused, I wasn't crying, I wasn't hurting but at the same time, it sounded like a solution to everything. "I want to come home to you every night and I want to be open and honest, I never want to lie to you ever again. I never want to see the look of heartbreak on your face and I think what you suggested is an amazing idea. Our love knows no bounds and if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. You're my number 1, beautiful."
I felt a single tear fall from my eye, I didn't know what or how to feel. It was like I was powerless and I couldn't think for myself, my feelings were no longer controlled by me but by his words and what they meant on the surface but not what laid between them; the things that an outsider would see, the things that my heart wouldn't.
"Don't cry baby. This will be good for us, this will work and we will work through it together. Don't you see, this will be the solution to all our problems. We can love each other in a way that works for us and still be so happy. This is the last time that I ever want to see your heart break okay?"
And yet again, his kind words had me trapped. I heard his kind words but I wasn't listening. "Do you still love me baby?"
I looked into his eyes as the last of my whimpers escaped, I gulped as I knew what he was asking. He was asking if my love for him was enough for me to forgive him and as much as the smart part of me wanted to say no and leave, I just couldn't. My heart spoke before my mind could. "God, of course I love you. I just don't want to hurt anymore. You've got to stop hurting me, I don't think my heart can take any more blows."
"I promise."
Present time...
"Monroe, you're my number one but I'm your only one."
This one line brought it all back, hearing him finally announce what he had indirectly drummed into me for so long hurt but I couldn't help my heart beating with his. The twinkle in his eye shadowed the hurt, the love radiating from his body cushioned the blow, the ring on his finger signaled the eternity I was supposed to be bounded to him for and just like I already knew, I couldn't tunnel my way out.
I was completely numb to his words. I had gotten blows to my heart our whole relationship but what would it take for me to finally walk? What would it take for me finally listen to my mind and finally stop allowing him from breaking me? My mind wasn't strong enough anymore, he had twisted it so much that I could only hear what I wanted to hear and see what I wanted to see. But what would make me snap out of his hypnosis? Would I ever snap out of it?
I felt my tears pool as he swiped his thumbs under my puffy eyes. "We love each other remember? And that's all that matters." He suddenly pulled me into a dazing kiss, as I felt our lips touch I wanted the world around me to disappear but it just, didn't. I was present in the moment but we were just, kissing. I didn't feel what I used to feel, I wanted to feel his "undying love" for me but something felt different, oh so different.
I felt his hands begin to roam all over my body as his lips moved from mine to the crook of my neck. I didn't feel a shudder, I didn't feel loved, all I could feel was his lust for me and that's not normal. What was happening to us? Were we finally broken beyond repair? Had something or someone crept into my heart and made a big enough impact to change this?
Oh, who was I kidding? I knew at that moment, as Chase's hands began to pull down my dress exposing my well-endowed chest and began to swirl his tongue around my nipple as he tried to put me in a trance of his seduction... That in the few hours that I had known Tobias Wrexler he had imprinted on my heart and as much as I wanted this fact to not be true for the sake of my marriage, it was true. It was so true that Tobias meant something so much more to me.
I was numb to Chase's desire, I felt nothing radiating from him, I wasn't even sure he loved me anymore and all it took was one man to make me question everything. I turned my face away from his as I felt bile start to form in my stomach and a lump form in my throat "Chase please, stop."
I closed my eyes as I began to pull my dress back up, placing a hand on his chest to lightly push him back. I just felt, gross. This just felt, wrong.
I wanted to make love to my husband but how could I when everything just felt so wrong. Tonight he was back to being the man that I fell in love with so why didn't I feel that when he kissed me? In less than 24 hours his kisses went from blurring out the world around us, to almost opening my eyes to look directly into his and search for the lies behind them, all while his lips massaged mine.
"Is there something wrong baby?" Everything's wrong.
I didn't know what to say to him, I moved his hands off of me and moved out of his grasp. I couldn't even look at him because I knew if I looked into his eyes he could read the lies on my face. "Um - I just - Chase just not tonight okay? I - I think my period is due and I just feel disgusting. Another time okay? I just want to go to bed." I felt disgusting but my period was not the reason.
"Oh, oh okay. That's fine, I just thought -" I could feel him gesturing to the candlelit dinner as my tears threatened to spill " - You know what, it's fine. I'll be up in a few hours, I'll be in my office if you need me."
I could hear the disappointment in his tone but I just didn't care. I just couldn't, I just couldn't wrap my legs around his waist as he buried himself inside of me with his teeth biting onto my shoulder, screaming his name in ecstasy as we became one.
He didn't feel like the other half of my whole, that kiss showed me that he didn't make me feel complete anymore and realising this changed everything before me.
I stalked my way up the stairs to our master bedroom, my eyes searched the room as I went to sit down at the edge of our bed. All of his stuff coated the room, his bed, his TV, his ornaments, his pictures, his mirror, everything was his. And in the first time in a long time, I had felt clarity, this wasn't my home anymore and it never was.
As I stared intently at the picture of us on our wedding day, I look at the pose and remember myself trying to fit into his picture, I posed curling into his body as he stood tall with his hand firmly on the small of my back. He wasn't being sweet, he was showing the world that I was his number 1 and he was my one and only. I was trying to fit into his world but I never did.
I took off my heels, placed them neatly at the side of my bed, I didn't even bother taking off my dress, makeup or letting down my hair, I was just too exhausted. I pulled the covers back and got inside. I laid my head on the soft pillow and as I felt the lump in my throat bulge but my eyes felt as dry as the Sahara desert, it was like I had cried enough and my tear ducks had evaporated. I had no more energy left in me.
I stayed in the same position for hours just looking out the window at the beautiful night sky, I knew I needed to sleep but my mind was so wired and yet so numb at the same time. Eventually I felt Chase slide behind me, I knew he had been drinking from the stench of whiskey in the air and how fast his soft snores filled the room. A few minutes had past and I knew he was in a deep sleep but that still didn't stop the hurt that past my body when I heard him say.
"Goodnight baby. I love you and I can't wait to start a family with you... Luxe."
That was all I needed to hear to get up, pick up my heels, pick up my bag that I had left at the front door and run to my car. As I felt the adrenaline fuel my body, I slammed the door behind me and searched through my bag for my phone and dialed.
"Hey, it's Monroe. No - no, I'm okay. I'm so sorry for calling so late - I didn't expect to call so soon either. Can - can I come over?"