“Look!” With that reaching her shining, beautiful eyes, she smiled at the little teddy in front of her and on the toy shop.
I smiled at her, “It's beautiful.” No it isn't, you are beautiful when you have this spark in your eyes. I had to lie it's beautiful.
Something was beautiful about the whole thing. I could feel it with the way her smile made me feel.
People say men are like children; they always need a lady beside them, caring for them like a mother, loving them like an unconditional soulmate, and supporting them like a bestfriend. It was the exact opposite in my case.
“Ahsan!” It was a very familiar voice that took me aback, to where i physically was.
“Oh. Yeah. What?” I mentally facepalmed at my own reaction. What just, Mr. Caretaker? Oh, right. Mr. “Caretaker.”
“You're here or what?” She frowned at me, innocently. I'm not. Not here. What the heck?
“I hate how i zone out in the middle of a crowd.” I mumbled to myself.
“Did you say something?” I earned yet another innocent look from her.
“Nuh - no.” After she got that teddy to decorate in our room, i said. “Let's just move on?”
“Yes!” She looked at me with that excitement in her eyes.
“So, what's next?” I had absolutely no clue what was next because with her, even the very minor things were unpredictable. Always.
“A roller-coaster!” Shit. It was hard to resist the look on her face when it reflected the most excitement i'd ever possibly seen. And literally like that, i was freaked out. I feared heightened & messy rides, roller-coasters to be specific.
Shit.
Brace yourself when you're around her, you never know what's next. Shit.
“Hey, look at that haunted house. Why don't we just go and get a ticket for that one?”
She facepalmed, “You're dumb, aren't you?”
“What, why?” I stared at her, confusion clear in my gaze.
“You do know i fear ghosts and haunted houses, don't you?”
“You do know i fear roller-coasters, don't you?” I mumbled under my breath. I wished i could smack myself on the back of my head in that instance but i couldn't. Why are you so dumb, Mr. Man Of The House?
But she didn't seem to listen to my mumbles, so i continued, “Listen, i just need a minute. I need to use the restroom, can you wait outside for me?”
“But hurry, okay?”
And i quick paced towards the restroom and as i entered it, i just sat there at a bench and took my head in my hands. I needed to converse with myself.
I seriously needed to.
It feels mandatory to write about what i'm talking here.
So there's these random times - not very rare but not very abundant - when i zone out and embarrass myself and though Aania, my wife, suspects there's something unusual and that i'm hiding what it is, i have managed to hide it successfully over these months.
Not anymore, i guess.
It's getting more frequent than it was at the start of our married life. I guess it's getting more frequent because i'm stressing over not telling her, and it makes me more upset as i try to hide it and suppress it when i'm with her. It's getting harder the more time passes.
So what's with my conversation with myself at the amusement park? I'm actually trying to calm myself down before i'm forced to climb the ride, i.e., The Giant Roller-coaster. Of course “the” roller-coaster has to be giant, idiot. I tell myself. That's how i converse in my head. Because apparently, i don't feel comfortable talking about my insecurities and the holes in my personality to anyone else.
Yep, not even her. I'm the mature one, remember?
I tell myself i'm a man. Men have to be the men. And what does the men mean? The stronger, braver, harder version of a human being as compared to the women. And i tell myself to have some shame because she's a woman and she's so excited for the same activity that i'm afraid of.
Please. I tell myself. Be a man.
It doesn't help. I try again.
It will pass. I tell myself. Just try to have some courage for the time being.
After i'm not-ready ready, i head outside.
Come on, you don't have to freak out about such a little thing.
Okay.
“Aania. I seriously need to tell you something.” As i reached her, i blurted out. Shit. That's not what i planned.
“Ahsan..” She paused. “Why are you looking so pale?”
“AaniaI'mScaredOfRoller-coasters.” I blurted out, again. Of course she knew it, i just don't know why i was being such a crybaby. I didn't intend to seek attention or anything like that.
“Calm down, what's up? Why are you so freaked out?” She was the one to blurt out this time, i guess. Because i didn't have a clue as to why.. why was she so unable to hear a single word i said. Don't make me hate yourself.
“I'm fine, let's go.” Of course i had to put my “man up” costume on and pretend like i was “the man.” Pretend because i wasn't what she assumed me to be, what everyone thought i was, i was actually a coward. Plain and simple.
Is that what life is? Pretend, pretend and pretend?
I told myself not to be who i was being inside of my head and just get over it. Get over myself.
I just smiled and she returned the gesture with a slightly nervous smile, and off we go!
My life's a joke. I thought with a sarcastic smile while she was smiling puppily, standing opposite the ticket counter.
Aania.
I love her.
I don't want to hate her.
But that day, i was over every ounce of my patience and could barely keep up with what seemed to be my own self.
Anyway.
We eventually got on the giant ride and put on our safety belts and as it was about to start off, i closed my eyes shut and started reciting prayers.
As the ride started off slowly at first, i couldn't help but feel my heart squeeze tightly by a hand very giant, very cruel. I desperately, unintentionally, uncontrollably clutched her wrist and squeezed as hard as i was scared, as the ride had started getting faster. I squeezed my closed eyes tightly.
“Aania.” I merely whispered. I didn't want to make a fool out of myself by shouting and showing everyone how scared, how coward i was.
I didn't know if she could hear it, but i earned a light squeeze on my hand that was already holding onto her wrist. I calmed down a little, feeling a bit at ease, and let my eyes ease up, liberating them from the tight squeeze that i was managing up until then. “Aania.”
“Shh, calm down.” She knew how to control my feelings just as they go down the last drain, “It's just a ride, we aren't going to fall off.”
“Aania.” If i could talk at all, this was all i could let out of my trembling lips.
“It's okay. Can you try to open your eyes a little? Look, we're up in the air. It's almost like flying up in the sky. Haven't you always wanted to fly up? It's your childhood dream!” She gave me another squeeze on my hand and i eased up a little more.
Before i could know it, i had actually snapped my eyes open and was now staring at her smiling face.
Peace.
“Aania.” I gave her a pleading look, just to earn an assuring look from her in return.
That's incredible. That's peaceful, and i don't know how.
“Relax, okay?” She smiled at me.
Okay. I love you.
TO BE CONTINUED.