I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't even so much as hang out with the guys these days without worrying about what's going to happen if Scarlett finds out the truth.
Since the disaster that was meeting Scarlett's parents, I've been having nightmares about Scarlett finding out the truth and leaving me. Losing Scarlett is my worst fear and every day it feels like I'm a step closer to that becoming my reality.
I love Scarlett with my entire being. She completes me. She makes me want to be a better person. I was spiraling when I met her, I had lost my grasp on reality. Mindlessly fucking, getting faded and partying was doing nothing for me and it was only a matter of time before I got myself into a situation that I couldn't talk, pay, or fuck my way out of. I didn't realize how dark of a place I was in until she pulled me out of it. Although Scarlett has issues of her own, she was able to put me back together. She was able to heal me and I want to do the same for her.
Scarlett's made a shit ton of progress since we've met. Scarlett barely talked about herself or her past back when we first met. Now she's more open and forthcoming with herself. She's stopped trying to pretend that she's okay, at least when she's with me. She talks freely about her anxiety and depression. She tells me stories of Brandon and Kassidy without working herself into a panic.
I've been trying to get her to talk about the meeting with her parents but she either switches topics or snaps at me. It's clear that it's a sensitive topic for her, but I don't want Scarlett to shut me out, especially now.
She once told me that I'm one of the only people that she feels that she can trust enough to show the "broken" side of herself to. She tries to give me the credit of her recovery because I'm the one who got her to take her medication as prescribed and I forced her to take her mental health more seriously than she was, but besides my suggestions, her recovery is all due to her.
As far as she's come she's still not 100% and won't be for a long time. I'm always afraid that something will trigger her and set her back at 0. If a journal could make her break almost a year of sobriety, imagine what would happen if she found out.
I want to heal her, but I'm afraid that in the end, I'm going to ruin her.