School isn’t cancelled today. Part of me wanted to just stay home, I’m sure my Mum would have understood, but I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts.
A lot of students are absent. Even some of the teachers are taking the day off. The next few days will be filled with funerals. There’ll be a memorial at some point. We have all of these rituals that we do and we think that they honour the dead. They don’t change what happened. All they do is distract us until the pain starts to dull.
The halls are quiet.
There are only seven other students in my first period class.
Everyone is sitting in a circle. I pull up a chair and join them. There’s a psychologist trying to get everyone to talk about their feelings.
Most of the people here were in different classes yesterday when Legion attacked.
One of the boys was in Maggie’s class. I didn’t realize how bloody it had gotten in that room. I need to talk to her.
A girl starts to talk. Her name is Amy. She was in class with me. She starts to talk about how scary it was. She breaks out it tears when she talks about hearing the first gunshot. I want to slap her. Damien made her forget. She doesn’t know what happened. They aren’t even her experiences, she’s just repeating what she heard from other people.
Does she want attention or something? It’s like trauma is a badge she wants to flaunt. The worst part is the look she gives me when I say I don’t want to talk about how I’m feeling. It’s like something’s wrong with me because I don’t want to put on a show.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk?” the psychologist asks.
“Yeah,” I say. I can’t tell the truth anyways. I don’t know what I’m doing here.
After class I hear Amy whispering about how I’m not even crying. Pain is a performance for her. She gets attention and pity for putting on a show. And I’m should be excommunicated for not playing along. What a bitch.
I walk around the halls looking for Maggie. I see her waiting outside our next class.
We look at each other. She gives me this look, and I know that she’s hurting. I’m hurting too. We walk towards each other and just hug. I need to feel close to someone right now.
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls last night,” she says. “I just couldn’t do it.”
“I understand,” I say.
We hold each other for a minute or two and then let go.
“I got a message from Josh this morning. He should be out of the hospital this afternoon.”
“I heard he tried to save you. I’m sorry I let things go so far.”
“It’s not your fault Aaron. At least no more than it’s mine.”
She didn’t kill anyone.
“It’s not your fault,” I say. “Not at all.”
I realize that this isn’t a good place to talk.
“Have you talked to Day?” Maggie asks.
“He isn’t here.”
“Is he coming back to school?” Maggie asks. “Now that this is all over.”
I hadn’t really thought about it. He might just be gone.
“I don’t know,” I say. I don’t know what Day is planning at all.