I wake up to the sound of my phone buzzing. I reach over and pick it up off of my beside table. 6:30 A.M? I check the notification to find it's a friend request from Facebook. I open the app and almost have a heart attack when I see who it's from: Dave Montgomery. Shit.
That's my birth fathers name. I doubt the request is from someone else who coincidentally has the same name as him. I check his photos. He looks exactly like me.
Why the hell is he reaching out now? How did he even find me? He left before I was born, he wouldn't even know my first name. Did he just search my mum's last name?
Then it dawns on me. Does he know that she passed away? He mustn't. He hasn't had contact with my mum or anyone she knows since before I was born.
How could he go all this time without reaching out to any of us? Did he not care what happened once he left?
It makes me angry to even think about so I deny the request. I fall back asleep, hoping I forget about it when I wake up next.
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I wake up again, the events from earlier still fresh in my mind. I heave myself out of bed and get changed. I put on black jeans and a black shirt. Not exactly the most practical outfit for running, but the best I can do. I shove my phone into my back pocket and head out of my room.
I nearly trip over myself whilst rushing down the stairs.
Spencer is sitting at the dining room table, eating his breakfast, eggs and bacon.
"Careful there," he says.
"Sorry," I mumble sheepishly.
Spencer gives me a concerned look, "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie.
"You don't look fine."
He knows me too well.
"I'd rather not talk about it," I say.
I wouldn't want to upset him, I was mad enough as it was. I didn't want to bother Spencer with any of this, at least not yet.
"Okay, if you're sure," he says. I can tell he wishes I'd confide in him but he doesn't push it.
"I'm going to go for a run," I say.
Without giving him any time to reply I sprint out the door. I run down the street as fast as I can, trying to keep my mind off of everything.
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After five minutes I arrive outside James's house. I stop for a moment, considering whether or not to go in. Usually we talk about everything, but I wouldn't want to bother him with this.
I run another two blocks to Amelia's house. I never got a chance to talk to her about what happened at Pizza Hut, I want to check up on her.
I walk up to the door and ring the bell. After a few seconds Amelia opens the door, "Hey, what's up?"
"I just though I'd check up on you."
"Thanks, that means a lot. Come on in."
I walk into her house and take time to admire my surroundings. I've only been here a couple of times before. There are more pictures on the walls than the last time I came. Some are of Amelia dancing, and some are of her little sister, Brianna, doing martial arts. There are more ornaments scattered everywhere too. Amelia's parents really are into decorating. They like to take pride in their home.
Amelia sits down on one of the three couches splayed across her living room.
"Take a seat," she insists.
I sit down next to her. "How have you been?" I ask.
"Good," she says while nodding, almost like she's trying to convince herself.
"Are you alright after what happened that night?"
"What night?"
I think she knows what I'm talking about but would rather not touch on the subject. I don't give up however.
"At Pizza Hut," I specify.
She looks down at her hands, "Oh, yeah. I'm fine."
"Really?"
She sighs, "No, of course not. Mason and I agreed that if we were going to move on we'd tell each other. He didn't even mention Megan to me. And he had the nerve to walk on up to us like nothing happened. It's like he doesn't even care about my feelings."
"Then screw him."
"Excuse me?"
"He's changed. He used to always be there for everyone. Now he's making excuses for why he isn't spending any time with his friends, and doesn't seem to care about how any of us feel."
"You don't think this has anything to do with Megan, do you?"
"I don't know. Possibly. But either way he's still acting like a total jerk."
"Yeah, he really is," she says, laughing a little.
I think that she's relieved that someone else feels this way. James and Tessa usually stay out of drama. They have done their best to ignore Mason, but I think we were all thinking the same thing.
"If he wants to run off with Megan then let him. You deserve so much better," I say.
"That's easy to say but I'm still not over him."
"Yeah. I'm not sure how to help with that."
"It's okay, you've helped a lot already," Amelia smiles, "Thank you Guy."
"No problem."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Shoot."
She looks hesitant but goes ahead, "What's been going on with you and Tessa?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've been hanging out a lot lately. I thought maybe you two were... you know."
"Oh no. Tessa is my friend."
"You don't have feelings for her?"
"No. She's amazing but I don't see her like that," I hesitate before continuing, "I do have feelings for someone though and I've been confiding in Tessa."
"Why didn't you talk to James about it?" Amelia's expression changes like a light bulb went off in her head, "Oh. You like James."
"Yeah," I say, feeling my cheeks and ears turn bright red.
"I should have known. You've been acting so differently around him lately. It makes so much sense now."
I become even redder, "Is it that obvious?"
"Kind of."
I give her a sceptical look.
"Okay, it's really obvious," she mumbled, "But I don't think James knows."
"I dunno, I think he might be onto me. I don't think he knows I like him, but he's definitely noticed that something is up. There's only a matter of time before he finds out."
"You know... you could just tell him."
I laugh, "You sound like Tessa."
She grins, "I'll take that as a compliment."
My phone buzzes and I see a message from Spencer.
Spencer: I just made lunch, u want some?
"I have to go," I say, "Spencer made lunch."
"Excuses, excuses."
I smile and shake my head. As I walk out the door I can hear Amelia call out behind me, "You can't avoid your feelings forever!"
It frustrates me to know that shes right.
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After running all the way to the house I walk in to the smell of fresh banana bread. It brings me back to a memory I have from when I was around six.
I walked into the kitchen to find my mum making banana bread.
This was in our old house in Auckland. We had a bigger kitchen than we do now, with an island and fancy marble counter tops. It had a singular vase of flowers to decorate. My mum always bought the same ones. Blue irises, her favourite. I miss that kitchen.
I walked up to her and tugged on her skirt, "What are you making Mummy?"
She chuckled, "I'm making banana bread. Spencer requested it."
She had a soothing voice. She had a strong English accent yet she spoke very softly. I miss hearing her voice.
"Can I help?" I asked.
"Of course you can honey."
This was one of the first times I helped her in the kitchen. I got my love of cooking and baking from my mum.
After I mashed up the bananas I looked up into her deep brown eyes and asked a question that I had been wanting to ask for some time, "Mummy, why don't I have a daddy?"
She gulped before crouching down to meet my eyes.
She took a deep breath, "Sweetheart, some kids don't have daddy's. And some kids don't have mummy's. Some kids don't have mummy's or daddy's. There are so many reasons why. Your daddy... your daddy can't be here right now. But you have your mummy, and she loves you to the moon and back."
I have to blink back a tear just thinking about it. Any time after that that I mentioned my father she would say the same thing. That he couldn't be here. Even when I was much older. She didn't want to throw him under the bus, even after he hurt her.
Spencer had told me the truth. He didn't want to, but he thought I should know.
I know my mum wouldn't want me to be mad at him, but I can't help it. Not only did he leave Spencer and I, but he left her. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for that.
I know I shouldn't keep all of this to myself. I know I should tell someone. But I can handle it. Can't I?