Human beings are selfish.
We only care and miss something when we lose it.
You only miss someone you love when that person is gone. You only miss home when you are absent for a very long time. You only give value to the simplest things, the smallest pleasures when you don't have them anymore.
When we like something, we don't want to let it go. When something that was ours finds another owner, we want it back.
We know how selfish we are for many centuries ago. But we only acknowledge it when we refuse to accept that something we loved, liked or cared is gone.
We are uncertain creatures that only care about our wellbeing. We care about our wishes and desires and forget the others.
How many times did we say when we were kids that we would be careful with a doll, but at the end we never really did? How many times did we say to our lovers that we had feelings for them, but those feelings weren't love? How many times am I going to grease my boss, just to get a higher salary?
And with the feeling of possessiveness and selfishness comes the doubt.
Did I ever care enough? Do I have time to say goodbye? Would he give me a second chance? Is he telling the truth?
William Shakespeare said once that "You say you love the rain, but you open your umbrella. You say you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot. You say you love the wind, but you close your windows. This is why I'm afraid, you say you love me too."
Once again we are selfish.
So now, here, laying on the dirty ground, I look at the gray sky above me, and question myself.
I question my life, my decisions, my options and so many more.
Is my brother looking for me? Cause I miss him terribly and want to be by his side, and what about my parents? Do they know that I'm in a foreign country in the middle of some haunted forest? Did they ever love me and my brother like all parents should love their children, even though they never showed it?
Are we ever going to leave the woods?
I close my eyes and take a deep breath just to exhale next and I repeat the process with the hope of cleaning the mess and the turmoil in my mind.
"Hey," I open my eyes and turn my head to the side. Beth lays down next to me and sends me a smile, "What are you doing?"
"What do you think?" I fire back.
"You are thinking as always." She says cockily.
"Not always." I roll my eyes at her.
"Sorry, wrong word. You are always overthinking things." She bumps her shoulder with mine.
"What? I'm not." I say outraged.
"Who do you think you are kidding?" I'm going to respond but she speaks first "I know you since we were kids, you have always been this way. It's the way you are, you can't stop it or control it. So, don't tell me that you weren't thinking because I know that you were and it's probably something that for you it's a big dilemma."
I let go of a sigh, "I was thinking about James and my parents."
"And?" She adds.
"I miss them, a lot, and I was questioning if they love me just as much as I love them." Beth adjusts her body and turns it to the side, so it's facing me, she sustains her body with the help of the elbow.
"They obviously love you, how can you doubt it?"
"We are stuck in here, I have nothing better to do and I don't know if I will ever see them again and have the chance to tell them how much I like them. Even though the majority of the time I'm a complete bitch to them." With every word that leaves my mouth my voice raises and my heart twitches in pain.
She stays quiet for a while, absorbing the information I gave, "Your parents were never the affectionate type. They never gave you the love and the attention you needed and craved. You always wanted to make them proud. You wanted them to notice you, but they were too sucked up on their own little world and problems. They aren't the best parents, but they aren't the worst. And when we get out of the woods you will tell them how much you missed them."
I look at Beth's blue orbs and see sincerity and comfort shinning in her eyes. She is such a sweet, brave and smart girl that her looks don't favor that aspect in her, she has all the looks of a model or a Barbie girl, yet her brain cells are perfectly fine, maybe better than mine.
"But moving on," She shows me a smile, "What's going on with you and Turner?"
"You too?" I ask incredulous.
"It's pretty obvious that you two have something." She states with a smirk.
"We have nothing." I shrug and look ahead to the sky.
"Oh, but I think you do, you just want to ignore it and pretend that it isn't there."
I remain silent and wait for her to continue.
"You are such a stubborn girl. You always preferred to hide your true emotions than showing them."
"You know that is not true."
"It is. When you were little you were so carefree, but life wasn't good to you and you started to shut down." She sighs "Sometimes I ask myself if we haven't known one another since little ones if you would be my friend now."
"You know I would. I'm not a hermit or a hobbit or whatever. I show my feelings maybe not as much as I used to, but still. I'm friends with Lucy, Nathan and Dylan... and Ed's the enemy."
"Ed isn't your enemy you just fight, a lot."
"In the middle age when the knights fought it was in battle. War time."
"Or to have fun."
"Are you implying that I fight with Ed because we have fun doing it?" I arch my eyebrow.
"No, but some animals fight to see who the strongest is, just like you and Ed."
"Now I'm an animal. Fantastic." I huff and close my eyes letting the breeze caresses my face and body.
"Forget that I said what I did. However, I must say that I also disagree that you and Nathan are just friends."
"But that's what we are, simply and only friends" A drop of water falls on my closed eyelid.
"Friends with benefits?" Hun?
"Ew, no!" I wrinkle my nose in disgust.
"Shut up, you almost devoured him yesterday by the bonfire."
Another drop falls, this time landing on my nose "I'm a girl, my hormones are crazy, and I like boys, not to say handsome ones. What were you expecting?"
"At that time, I was expecting live sex." I look at her in disbelief.
She raises her hands over her head in surrender style, "Okay, sorry. I just want you to be happy and you and Nathan have chemistry, so why not taking advantage of it?"
"I can't." I shake my head.
"He has been there for you since he met you. Since the first time you laid your eyes on each other that you have this 'thing' that I can't describe."
Yeah, expect that he was the reason why I almost drowned. I think sarcastically. So much for always being there for me.
The drops are falling more quickly wetting my face and clothes.
"Forget the past Kate, listen to your heart, and give into his needs."
"Last time I listened to it, things turned dark to my side."
"What happened with Steve wasn't your fault."
As I hear his name my heart skips a beat. My hands fly to my face and rub it, they then travel to my hair and tug the ends, "It was my fault."
"He had problems sweetie, you tried to help him, but you couldn't do more."
"I should have been there when it happened." I whisper.
"Your heart is still healing with what occurred but every time that you are with Nathan, I bet that it beats with an amazing strength." I can feel a sob wanting to escape, but I will not let it. I've come a long way to lose all the control now, all the focus and mind. If I don't keep myself in check, I'm going to break like a jar of glass.
"Your heart broke with Steve but Nathan is picking up the pieces, yet you are the one that are capable of jointing the little fragments," Beth's hand rests on my hands that are still on my hair, "We all deserve to be loved, and Nathan may be the right guy to show you what love is. Steve was never able to do it for you, not because he didn't want to, he just couldn't."
The memories that I once buried on the depths of my mind are now coming back, and I don't want it. I'm not ready, to be weak and fragile and above all broken. I've had my quiet share of suffering I can't let the gashes on my heart open, they are not fully healed so I can't play with the unhealed scars.
"We should get going, it's starting to rain." My voice sounds cold and frigid.
I'll not have my heart broken once again.