Amara
The car ride was really silent as neither of us knew what to say or who should speak first. I twiddle my fingers that were covered in knitted gloves and eye the passing cars outside.
I always wonder if fantasy and reality were similar.
These past few months proposed quite differently.
I realised now that it's better to not live life full of unrealistic expectations and accept that it is imperfect, often predictable, filled with grief, sadness, some things are out of our control but reality is always better because it's the truth.
And that's what we get wrong, when we avoid the truth. But sometimes living with the truth is better than living based on imagination.
We make reality seem as if it is something that is bad, or frightening. But, if you look on the bright side, you will realise that it's beautiful.
The past Amara would think it was too impossible to have change in her life but the present Amara definitely proved her wrong. I found that power, not only through myself, but through another.
Lucien and I both have our strengths, our weaknesses, our quirks and our flaws. Rub them all together and they cause a friction.
But its our differences that binds us together.
Through mid daydream, I felt a heavy object on my leg. I look down and saw that Lucien placed a hand there. When I met his gaze, it's like his eyes were filled with so much emotions, all mixed. But I didn't tell him to move his hand nor did I move it. I left it there, my skin tingling under the thick pants that hugged my leg.
We both knew I craved his touch. I missed him, more than anything in the world. I was just too insecure right now to confess.
We drove around for an hour before reaching our destination. The place our first date took place at. My favourite place to be.
The Golden State park.
Lucien turns off the engine and places the keys into his coat pocket. As I go to reach for the door handle to get out, he stops me, making me eye him curiously.
"Let me get it for you," he offers, leaving me to stare at him in awe. Even through our ups and downs, he was still the perfect gentleman. You may call it "the bare minimum" but the small things, the little gestures, they just get to me all the time.
I thanked him quietly as he helps me out of the car gently. We walked side by side into the chilly atmosphere, neither of us speaking, just already being entertained by each other's presence. He absentmindedly interlocks our hands together, bringing them up to his lips to place a soft, yet subtle kiss to my clothed hand. I swoon at the action and blush a little. I found myself staring up at him as we casually walked down the bridge to our favourite spot.
"Why are you so keen of me Ms. Belle?" he acquires, pursing his lips.
"I am so keen on you Mr. King, for the fact that I am heavily inspired by you. I admire you and I deeply care for you. A life without you would always have a blank space and you just... fill my life with colours that I never knew existed," I answer truthfully.
He chuckles. "You're too good for me."
"What-Where is all this coming from?" I ponder, moving a strand of hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear.
He pulls us away from walking and to the spot on the grass where we usually sit. It's like we marked it somehow. He notices my shudders and suggests that we sit closely together so he can keep me warm. I position the oxygen tank right next to us and lean into him as he wraps his arms around me, snuggling me into him. I hear him exhale at the contact of our bodies.
He opens his mouth to explain himself but I shake my head to stop him. "I feel like I owe you more of an apology than you to me. I'm really really really sorry for just... for everything. For misinterpreting it all, for not believing you, for making you feel guilty and hurt and sad. I was just... it's too conflicting to explain," I declare, muttering the last part.
He leans forward to gaze into my eyes. "I'm all ears. You know I'm always here for you," he reassures.
I grunt. "That's what's conflicting. You're always there for me, you're always ready to rescue me. But me? What am I good for? I don't like people to get attached to me because I know one day there will be nothing to hold onto when I die."
"You want me to be honest with you?" he questions and I nod.
"When I first met you, I said to myself 'this girl is going to stick a hand up my ass without even me knowing'. I hope you know that's a pun," he corrects, making me laugh out loud.
"I know what you meant Lu, but go on," I urge.
"I can also speak for everyone else when I say that I thought you were going to carry about yourself like some spoiled, privileged, whiny chipmunk who felt like just because she was different, she didn't have to put in the hard work like the rest of us. But you proved us all wrong. You put others before yourself and I can't even remember the last time where you mentioned that you wanted to do something for yourself. Everything is 'I got to do this for Lucien!' or 'I'll also buy Syl something from the mall so she wouldn't feel bad that I didn't bring her back anything'. You don't owe us anything yet you're always ready to give. You're just the positive person around us, putting a smile on everyone's face everywhere you go and making sure that it stays there. We'd all be gutted if something bad were to happen to you, but we know that wherever you are, we will have something to hold onto, and that is the memories," he spoke so smoothly, that I almost didn't believe what he was stating was true.
I look down to our intertwined hands and chew on my bottom lip. "I never really.... put thought to things like that. I mean I always put thought into the people that I care about, I just haven't put thought to the things I did that left an impact on so many."
He chuckles. "Well the world is not misery for everyone."
I also chuckle lightly and sigh. I felt myself leaning more into him, acting all clingy like I was going to lose him.
"You didn't tell me the story about you and Lina," I suddenly say, just realising the thought that lingered in my mind. I felt his body tense behind me but he never once let go of me.
"Now I will apologise for not mentioning that to you. You know that we dated yes but, we were just kids then. I've known her all my life but I never once saw her the way I see you," he admits. I knew couldn't be upset with him for that. She did explain herself to me and turns out that they were both telling the truth. I do hope that one day she finds herself the right person, someone who can treat her like the queen she is. If she grew up with Lucien, she must've also had a tough past and they both needed someone to give them the extra boost to work on themselves.
I'm glad I met this guy that right time because who would've thought that we both could fix each other.
I felt safe with him and I knew he felt the same about me. I felt him shift a bit so I adjusted myself, thinking it was me who was making him uncomfortable. I didn't know what to expect next but when he lifts me and places me on top of him to sit, I yelp out.
We kiss passionately and for a moment, the outside world dissolved around us. Our once tense stated slowly loosened as our bodies molded perfectly together. I sigh against his lips and draw him in closer, craving his lips more and more as I recall how long it's been since we've been away from each other.
"Merde! I'm falling so fucking hard for you," he exclaims, blushing from his outburst.
"It's no simple crush. I can't stop.. thinking about you, for every minute of every hour and for every hour of everyday. My mind circles with thoughts of you. All I want is for you to be next to me and when you're not, I feel like I'm suffocating. I-I-I-I just can't seem to get out, because I fell deeply in the love with you Amara. I fell so deeply in love with you that I made up my mind to make you my girlfriend."
I smile in delight and kiss the corner of his mouth. "I know. I was just too clueless to believe it. Now I do, and I want to say that I have fallen completely under the Lucien King spell. You have my heart, always. Take this as a 'yes' to you asking me to be you girlfriend," I comment and pull him in for a kiss. When he breaks away, he sucks his teeth and push me away a bit to face face him.
"What is it baby? You can tell me anything.....you know that right?" I say innocently, cupping his cheek and caressed the skin. "If this is about your mother then I know. I can't imagine what you may be feeling inside but I do know that she is very important to you."
"I don't think she's getting better though. I believe this is my punishment for doing all the bad things in the world," he spits to himself and pulls away from my embrace, turning his head sideways. I could see the tears already forming in his eyes.
"No you're not being punished. The world is a goddamn evil place and you just fell into the wrong hole. You are stronger than life itself," I rub his tense shoulders in attempt to get him to stay calm but he doesn't budge.
"What can I do? She probably doesn't even expect me to show up after all that I've put her through?" his voice cracks and I believe he was going to cry. I take what he said for a moment. When he said show up... it meant that he may or may not be leaving to go to France to see his mother.
I shook of my feelings for the moment and try to put his before mines, knowing that this was more important than our relationship.
"Lucien., look at me. What you can do is BE THERE FOR HER. That's all she wants and if you think she doesn't want you to be in her life anymore then go prove her wrong," I advise, gently rubbing his upper arms.
"You do know that I'll be leaving the country right? That..... I'll be leaving you," he says softly. I only smile, trying to fight the tears myself.
"Make her relive her last moments before she passes. You can't stop faith my love. You aren't God. You can make her smile, make her forget all the bad memories by being by side, reassuring her that you're with her on this...this situation. There's no doubt that I wouldn't be next to you no matter the decision you make. I love you nonetheless. I know the power of strength you possess. You both are fiercer than anything," I express my deepest concerns to him, hoping that he will take my words into consideration.
He turns to face me and I knew that he was going to have a breakdown. In a instant, his face is buried in the crook of my neck, his tears caressing the skin. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, rocking him back and forth.
"Life's not fair," he chokes, his voice breaking.
"I know baby, I know."
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