He joined her out on the beach where she was now sat more upright, reading through her book. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye as he joined her and got himself comfortable. He lathered sunblock onto his arms, observing the beauty of the beach as he did so.
"How have you been? Enjoying freedom from work for a few weeks?" Natasha asked, trying to stop the awkward silences being quite as awkward.
"Sort of." He shrugged. "I repainted the living room, did a few DIY bits. Went and stayed with my family for the weekend, Ma's still asking for you..." she tensed slightly. She felt awful that she could disappoint his mother, worse than she would for her own. She didn't like how he brought it up.
"Saw how big little Joey was getting," he continued. "That freaked me out since it reminded me what an old uncle I am."
"You are ancient now," She shrugged and he pressed his hand to his heart.
"Ouch." He teased with a short laugh. "I think I'm in my prime, personally."
"What colour have you painted the living room?" She asked, not enjoying the arrogance he seemed to display. A defence barrier.
"Grey." He shrugged and she frowned a little trying to imagine it.
"Like a light grey, or a dark grey."
"Light grey. Back to the original colour it was when I moved it, real estate agent said it would sell better if it was brighter."
"You're selling?" She asked and he nodded.
"Yeah, I thought I told you I wanted to move somewhere, well, bigger? Like a home."
Natasha bit her lip then let it go quickly, remembering the original plan was for her to join him. After graduation she would move more of her stuff in, have a say in house viewings and decorating. Maybe if she had left under different circumstances they'd be doing that now. That had obviously changed.
"Oh yeah." She commented vaguely. "Any lucky then, finding somewhere new?" She tried to keep the conversation going.
"Haven't looked properly, really. I haven't really been ready to look for anything, too much change in a short space of time." He rubbed the back of his neck.
She hummed in response, watching the people swimming and surfing in the sea beyond the sand since she didn't know the best way to reply to that.
"What about you?" He asked after a moment, and she flicked a page over on her book. "How have you been?"
"I've been fine." She shrugged, "Keeping busy."
"Really?" He asked again, disbelieving. "Fine?"
"Do you want the honest answer, or the one that will make you feel better?" She asked, an irritated hint of warning in her tone.
"Well, honesty would be a good start since "fine" is another lie..." he half murmured without thinking, and she lifted her head to look at him properly.
"Ouch." She raised her brows as she mimicked him from earlier. "Alright then. I've been pretty shit, and that's not to make you feel bad because I should feel pretty shit. I'm a shitty person, that did a shitty thing. But I know that, so if you're here just to be a daily reminder of how much of a shorty person I was, then that makes you a pretty shitty person too."
He held up his hands, taken aback slightly by the outburst. "I'm sorry Nat, that was mean. I-"
"Yeah, it was." She snapped her book shut and got up. "You can't jut show up and pretend you want to see me then act like this! Stop pretending you haven't shut me out for weeks, and if you've flown all the way here just to remind me how pissed off you still are, then you've wasted your time. "
"I've not, I-"
"Bullshit." She huffed, walking back inside without turning around.
***
Later in the day he had taken the time to go for a nap and give each other some space to cool off, falling asleep on the sofa inside and dozing softly as he thought about what to do. Natasha sat on the porch steps outside so she didn't wake him while she was on the phone to Wanda, but he had already started to stir before the call even began.
"I'm sorry it's later there, but I just needed to talk to you." Natasha apologised but Wanda shook her head.
"Don't be ridiculous. It's fine! What do you mean he's there?" She asked, audibly just as shocked as Natasha had been.
"He's here to stay apparently...Wanda I don't know. Nothing makes sense." She put her head in her hands and sighed. "He said he wanted to see me, then there all these little under currents when he's talking, like it's sly little digs at me but I don't know if that's me being insecure or-"
"You're rambling. You do that when you're stressed. Take a breath." Wanda coaxed her, helping her breath and noticing the tears forming in her eyes.
"Fuck, I just want to come home." She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head letting the tears roll down her cheeks.
"Don't you dare start crying again, we're past that shit remember! No more crying over him! Not unless I can fulfil your wish to slap sense into you." Wanda warned, her tough love side being transmitted all the way from New York. "You're in Hawaii, you aren't running away from one of the most gorgeous places in the world because of a man." She raised her brows. "That's not the Natasha I know, she'd tell him to fuck off with a pineapple cocktail in one hand and her middle finger raised in the other."
She took a deep breath, pressing her hands against her eyes. "I don't know who the fuck I am at the moment. What to do or to say, I barely know myself and I'm supposed to act normal?"
"You act whatever way you want to and it's up to him to deal with it," Wanda said, sighing softly as Natasha wipes her cheeks. "Do I have to fly out there too and hug you?"
"Why not? We can all have one huge fucking reunion," she sniffed.
"Natasha, cmon." Wanda frowned sadly.
"I knew I shouldn't have came here." She murmured, resting her elbows on her knees and covering her mouth with her hands. "I feel like such an idiot."
"You aren't an idiot, you've got to stop beating yourself up over this stupid mistake." Wanda replied. "You're young, you're hot, and you're a fucking ace person on the inside too. You should've got on the rebound when I told you too." She lightly teased to make her at least smile.
Natasha stayed silent, looking passed her phone now as she tried to stop the tears but couldn't.
"Nat....Nat, answer me. Cmon, I'm not hanging up until you talk to me." Wanda called, sighing softly.
The sound of quiet footsteps behind her made her freeze and she watched Wanda narrow her eyes slightly in confusion as James came into the frame behind her.
"Hey...Mind if I take it from here?" He asked Wanda, Natasha keeping her back to him as Wanda stared at her. She gave a little nod to show she was alright before Wanda nodded in reply to James.
"Take care of her. No bullshit." She warned and James agreed with her as he lifted the phone.
She was vaguely aware of them hanging up before he sat beside her, knees almost touching as he clasped his hands together with her phone in between. "How much did you hear?"
"Almost all of it." He admitted, flipping the phone around in hands. "You wanna rip this bandaid off?"
She wipes her tears more fiercely this time and nodded, "Take the lead." She said numbly, but the tears kept flowing and she tried not to let her face contort with hurt.
"I think we've both got our defences up a little too much...I don't want to hurt you and I don't think you wanted to hurt me." He said, watching her nod once.
He was still mad at her. Betrayed. He couldn't forget how she broke his heart. But it was hard to hold all that anger when she was just as heartbroken for doing it, sobbing wasn't her thing, but if she'd been like this according to Wanda, then it must be real.
"I can't get over what you did..." he started, watching her close her eyes for a moment, and he was distracted as he noticed the peppering of freckles that had formed across the bridge of her nose in the sun. It was cute, and he wanted to tell her that right now. Instead he continued. "But that doesn't mean I've completely stopped caring about you, despite how much... how much I don't want to."
She exhaled heavily the breath she'd been holding, looking up to the sky to stop more tears. She hated crying in front of him. "I wish I'd never done it, James, but I wish I'd told you when I did. It was such a stupid thing to do, pointless. I was so fucking immature, you were the most amazing thing to happen to me and encourage me in the best ways possible and now I've ruined it. And I can't tell you how much it didn't mean anything because...you don't trust me enough to believe me... I'm sorry, James."
"I know you are," He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, bringing her into his side and resting his cheek against her head. She immediately warmed to it without question, calming down as he let his thumb stroke over her shoulder lightly. She linked her arm through his as she just savoured the moment.
"I didn't mean to upset you by coming here." He said after a while.
"I know. I just want to be the girl you want to be here with, and I know I can't." She sighed. "It's hard to keep my cool around you when I've not fully accepted that yet."
"You don't have to." He sighed, "That's so far from truth, Nat. You're always the girl I want to be with, all the time. " He pulled his head up as she looked at him.
"Can I tell you something? Promise you'll hear it all the way out?"
She nodded in response, but the worry was already in her eyes.
"I went on a date about a week ago." He started, and visibly she slowly retracted from him as he continue with his hand still on her back. "Beautiful woman in her early 30s, interesting, funny," he stopped when he realised how tense her jaw was.
"Have you ever heard of giving someone mixed signals?" She grumbled.
"What I was going to say was, despite all that, she still wasn't you."
Natasha's started at the sand blowing slightly in the breeze, letting it all sink in for a moment. She wanted to know more and less all at once. "What does that mean?"
"It means I'm still not over you." He sighed. "I want to be, I know I should move on, but deep down I know that I need you in my life, one way or another."
Everything in his mind felt clearer now, there wasn't as much doubt and negativity towards her now he had her right here in front of him. She was right, she was a shell of the Natasha he knew and loved, and this had obviously affected her greatly. He wasn't happy about that, but it seemed to prove something to him, that this really was just a one off mistake. Rewrite all the thoughts his mind had concocted during his lonely days and nights thinking about everything with such bitterness. He couldn't imagine her ever breaking his heart, or anyone else's again, if it made her this unstable in return.
She'd broke her own heart as well as his.
"I'm not saying I'm ready to forget everything, but I can start forgiving you."
She sighed heavily in relief, and nodded her head while her shoulders slouched. "I'd love that. Really, if you think you're ready I won't ever throw it back in your face-"
"You're rambling," He smiled somewhat fondly.
"You're making me nervous," she frowned insecurely, and he chuckled softly as he eased her back into a hug.
"It's just me, Nat." He lightly rubbed her back soothingly.
"But it's different." She sighed. "It feels so much different."
He sighed softly, "I know it is...but we can work on it if you want to."
"What do you mean work on it?" She asked quietly.
"See how we feel around one another, kind of like friends but working to fix this..."
She sighed a little but nodded. "That could be good...but..."
"But what?"
"If we are friends then I am not calling you Bucky."
He laughed at that, and he was glad she smiled. "Thank god."