Future-me is today-me and I cannot deal with it.
I'm tempted to skip school that day but can't because one: if I don't show up, Finn will wonder what's going on and since I didn't answer his call, I'm already in for it. Two: Kali will find a way to come to my house and force me to talk to her. And finally, reason number three: my mom personally dropped me off in front of the school for the first time since ninth grade when I got my bike and could ride the distance alone.
"You can do this Teagan!" she says and practically launches me from the car. When I turn around and glare, she fist-pumps at me and then drives off. Thanks, mom.
Since I was dropped off, I miss the breakfast window and go straight to homeroom. I take a deep breath before walking in ready to be bombarded by questions from Finn.
Today feels like the first day except I know Finn will be here. I fiddle with my pencil and glance between my phone and the door. Right as the bell rings, he slips inside and sits next to me. I catch his eye, and he nods his head then faces forward.
It wasn't a blow-off but there was no beaming smile either. I wonder if this has to do with his Instagram photo that I never asked about. That I forgot about until right now. Ms. Visini never gives us a chance to have a private conversation and I'm grateful. When the bell rings again, we both stand up. I put my backpack on and he shoves his hands deep into his pockets. I'm not the only one being weird here.
"Hey Finn," I start. "I never asked you about your trip. I have a lot to talk to you about. Sorry." It's lame. I know it is and I feel a blush but Finn doesn't seem phased.
He gives me the same smile I loved. I try to return it. "It's okay." He says it but I wonder if it's true. Finn pulls his hand through his curls. "Can we talk later? I mean, after school? I won't be at lunch."
"Sure," I say but he's already running through the door.
The periods up until lunch are both Finn and Kali free. I spot Kali for a moment in the hallways but turn around and rush the opposite direction. I'm sure I won't be so lucky as I was with Finn.
When someone does wave at me, I can't help but let my shoulders drop and smile for what felt like the first time today.
It's Imari, grinning from ear to ear, hand in hand with Elliot. This is enough to shake me from my own worries and stare at their joined hands and then up to their faces.
Imari shoots me a thumbs up and mouths "we're together!"
I give him my own huge smile and return the thumbs up. Elliot looks back to Imari and to who he's looking at. When he sees me, he gives me his easy smile. He gently tugs Imari's arm and rolls his eyes, but I see him squeeze his hand.
Instead of braving the cafeteria for lunch, I bolt to the library.
When I walk in, I feel safe. The quiet is comforting and no one seems to be around. That safety net lasts thirty seconds. "Hey Teagan!" I hear someone call.
Sienna is waving from a table near the fiction section. I nod and go to walk past her. "I've been checking out your Instagram and your boyfriend's," she calls again.
I turn back to look at her. She has that same grin she sported when she told me Finn was back on the first day of school. She must have seen Finn's picture with another girl.
"Great," I say and continue walking. I'm not answering any of her prying questions.
I find a table and spread out my homework in front of me.
Footsteps are softened by the carpeted floor but they pause behind me. I keep my eyes on the email but feel someone looming over me. When I don't turn around, I hear "Teagan."
I take another deep breath. The thousandth from the feel of it. Turning around, I'm surprised to find Carla this time, but I hide it. "Hi Carla. What's up? I'm kind of busy."
She doesn't seem to care. Her arms are crossed and the look she gives me would scare a much weaker person.
"I'm confused, Teagan," she says and sits across from me, leaning over and I have no choice but to stare back. "Why did you want Matea and Kali to get together?"
This? Again? "They broke up Carla. Why are you- "
"I'm trying to understand about what was on Finn's Instagram," she interrupts. She's obviously not here to listen to a word I say. Not like I had a clue what I would say anyway. What does Finn and some girl have to do with Kali and Matea?
"You were so sure Kali would be fine in a new relationship. Then her and I talked and you were right. I gave that one to you. I'm not giving this to you. Dating her is only going to hurt her. You're not even gay. Leave her out of this."
There's a roaring in my ears. I never knew that was something that actually happened outside of a book, but it's happening. I can hear the blood rushing in my ears and I'm dizzy. I snatch my phone up. Carla doesn't even twitch. I feel her eyes on me.
A few clicks later and I'm at Finn's account. The picture of him and the other girl isn't the first one to pop up, but a screenshot of Kali and I from last year, arms around each other, smiling at the camera. I read the description.
finn_ notafish: I wish Teagan the best Kali. Seriously have fun together. Don't let me stand in the way.
I feel my chest tighten and click on the comments.
noboundaries: like lesbians? Did you change her finn?
finn_notafish: not sure man. I'll find someone else
catfishcarla: wait...what? They're not together.
finn_notafish: that's what you think
"Teagan!" Carla insists.
Instead of answering her, I bump past her and walk out of the library and into the hallway. I scroll through some more comments. None are from Kali and nothing more from Finn. Some people ask questions and others tell Finn he's wrong, but it's too late. Everyone has seen.
Pushing the front door open, I spot Finn at the furthest picnic table scrolling on his phone. I walk over, wrapping my arms around myself. I sit across from him on the damp bench. He doesn't look up.
"Finn."
He slides his phone in his pocket. "What happened?" he asks. His face is expressionless and my stomach drops.
I don't want to play dumb with him, but I'm confused. Not about what he means exactly, but how he knows anything in the first place. There's no way Kali would have told him. I don't think.
"What happened when? What do you think you know?"
Finn looks up and I'm startled to see his eyes, bright blue out here and pained. "Elliot saw you and Kali on Saturday night."
This startles me. For multiple reasons. "You knew we were hanging out on Saturday. And Elliot told- "
"Told me he was gay, yes," he pauses and then restates. "Well not exactly. Yesterday when I came home, I went to a little party just with the guys. Him and Imari came in holding hands. Like it was no big deal. Elliot brought him over to us. No one asked of course, but by the way they were looking at each other..."
"He's not gay. Bi or pan. I'm really not sure, but he likes girls too," I say quickly. Finn's eyes narrow.
"Is that what you are?"
I swallow and nod. "I meant to- "
He puts up a hand. "I've known. For a while." He looks sad now. "You've been looking at Kali differently. Something happened during Halloween, I think. I'm not sure when but when she holds your hand, hugs you, or even says your name, you blush. Like the way you looked at me. I thought about bringing it up to you but I didn't want it to be anything and if I said anything, it would be real."
"So why put it on Instagram?" I ask unable to keep the bite from my voice.
Finn's mouth hardens. "Because I talked to Elliot at that party alone. Imari was off making drinks and Elliot came over and said I should ask you about Kali. He said you two caught Imari and Elliot together. He said that was fine and made him realize it would be easier to have a normal relationship, but you and Kali were together. Together, together. He wanted to let me know so I wouldn't get hurt."
"He wouldn't know that. You know how we are together," I say.
"Yeah, I know," he spits. I recoil, but he goes on. "You two have been flirting for months and I thought it was normal. From what Elliot told me, it sounds like it isn't. To top that all off, Kali called me yesterday."
"She what?" My heart thrums in my chest.
I want to look away from him but I can't. "She asked me if I talked to. I told her I haven't. This was after the party. She said something happened and she wants to make sure that you're okay. I asked what happened. She wouldn't tell me but she said to take care of you and then hung up. So, what happened?"
At that question, I look down. I don't want to see anything in his face anymore. "We kissed," I mumble.
His inhale and exhale are measured. He repeats the pattern before asking, "and?"
"And what about you Finn? What about Casey?"
It's a jerk thing to do. Throwing this back in his face when I know I made a mistake. I keep my stare while my stomach goes sour. I wanted a smooth breakup. Even if he knew about Kali, I wanted to explain then end it. I didn't want to be throwing accusations. I know it isn't fair. I know that he's been pulling himself from this relationship if he knew about me and Kali for that long.
"Casey and I-" he starts.
"Never mind," I snap and then even my tone. "Never mind. Seriously. I don't want to know."
He doesn't say anything and stands up. "Were you going to tell me?" he asks.
"I was planning on breaking up with you this week." I watch him when I say this. He gives a nod and he squeezes his hand into a fist for a second, but relaxes.
Finn grabs his bag. "I'll talk to you later Teagan," he says and opens the door to go inside.
Before he walks through it, I say, "Will you delete your comment on Instagram? Please?"
He meets my eyes and I get a blank look again. "No Teagan. I won't." Finn walks through the door and I wait until he's out of eyesight before I bury my head in my arms.
I walk in the school after the crowds from the next class change has dissipated. I make sure the hallways are clear before going to my class.
For the next three periods, I follow a pattern. I go from class to class, going in right as the bell rings and leaving right as the next one goes. A few people try to catch my eye, but I ignore them. It isn't until my last class, study hall that I talk with anyone.
A note falls on the table I'm sitting at in the library again. I look up and Seth turns around and winks before disappearing around one of the stacks. I unfold it. Hang out after school? Circle yes or no.
My first reaction is to say no, but the note makes me smile. I realize moping around my house means that my mom will see and ask questions. I circle yes and leave the note at the desk for Seth to find. He walks by and scoops it up.