I couldn't have slept for long when I was rudely awoken by the sound of something hitting my bedroom window. Fucking kids doing their paper round, thinking it's funny to do shit like that, waking me up at the crack of dawn, or at least that's what it feels like it is. I lazily climb out of my bed, draw the curtains open and look out my window. I expected to see those little runts on their bikes ready to make a dash for it but instead I saw a familiar face that I didn't expect to see so soon. Liam was outside, waving at me to open the door downstairs, but instead, I hid behind my curtains, clutching my chest as my heart pounded painfully. I knew deep down he didn't mean all those mean things he said and I knew he would come to regret it, but I didn't expect him to come to my home so soon, especially when my brother is so mad at him. Has he lost he's mind? Does he have a death wish? Does he want my brother to get even more pissed off?
Standing here in hiding was not going to give me any answers and so I quietly leave my room and head downstairs to the front door. I didn't think to check what I looked like in the mirror as my appearance didn't even cross my mind nor did it seem important right now, all I could think about was to see him hear his voice and avoid getting him caught by my brother. I took a deep breath just before opening the door, then turned the latch.
There he was in all he's glory, tired, in the same clothes as last night and still hot as ever. I didn't give him the chance to speak, nor to come into my home; all I did was drag him to the side of the house and out of sight. "What the hell are you doing here?" I whisper shout with a stern voice. "I... I um... I came to apologise!" He said nervously with his head hanging low. "You shouldn't be here, you need to leave!" I say coldly. I didn't mean for it to sound that way, but his presence here makes me nervous and I have no idea how he's going to be. He'll apologise and then probably bite my head off in the next second or two.
"I know I shouldn't, but I had to see you! I want to apologise about last night and explain!" I stand there in front of him probably looking rather blank, but I sincerely don't know how else to look at him. "No need to explain, I understood perfectly last night, so can you leave now?" What is wrong with me? Why am I being so mean? I know he didn't mean any of that stuff and I was going to forgive him, so why am I being this way? "Nichole, I'm sorry! I really am!" I wave my hand dismissively, not wanting to hear it, but he speaks again regardless. "I didn't mean any of those things I said to you, you have to believe me!" I scoff and turn away from him, unable to listen to his request. The irony is that I had wanted that same curtsey, but he never granted it to me and now, here he stands wanting me to believe him? Well I do, but he makes it damn hard and I guess that's why I'm being difficult with him. He does nothing but go out of his way to hurt me and lie to me all the time so why should I go easy on him? Maybe my brother is right, maybe I should let him stew and reflect on his errors.
"Nichole please! I'm telling you the truth this time! As soon as you left, I regretted every single word and came after you, but you were gone, long gone. I looked for you for ages and when I couldn't find you, I called your brother for help!" That's why Derrick was out so late. He was looking for me because he knew. "You called him, so what? You want a medal now?" I finally answer back venomously. I had hoped he'd come after me and it makes me happy that he did even though he never found me, but he has no idea how frightened I was last night and how I never want to feel that way again.
"No of course not! I did it because I was worried about you! I never should have let you leave in the first place!" " You got that right!" I mumble under my breath. "You're really pissed aren't you?" He says now looking like he's been defeated by some foe. "You think?" I whisper shout while feeling the sting in my eyes, tears threatening to spill yet again over this boy whom I'm so in love with. I don't want to be angry with him, nor do I want to be mean, but he really hurt me and he needs to understand that I will not put up with it. I will not be he's doormat.
He takes a step towards me, but I involuntarily flinch, stepping back myself. It' wasn't intentional, it was as if my body was trying to protect me from him. It's as if my body knows better than my heart and brain, what a threat he really is to me.
"Are you afraid of me?" He asks in disbelief and the hurt he feels is all too visible, making me feel guilty. I want to tell him that I'm not, that he's wrong and that I still love him and forgive him, but I just can't seem to be able to do it. I'm scared to be hurt again, but at the same time I know I want to be with him. It's all so confusing. "I'm too late, aren't I? I fucked up too many times and now I've lost you, haven't I?" No, no, no. That's not it. That's not why I'm being this way. I'm just scared, doesn't he understand that? Why does he always have to jump to the wrong conclusion? Does he really not understand how I feel? Does he think so little of my feelings for him that he would assume that they would vanish just like that, into thin air? Was my confession last night not clear enough? Why can we never seem to be on the same page and understand each other? What do I need to do to make him believe me, make this work? And should it even be all down to me? I sigh heavily, not knowing what to say or do.
"Don't worry, you don't need to answer, I get it. I hurt you far too many times and you're done. Look, I just want you to know that I really am sorry about last night, about everything really, that I do love you and I hoped that maybe you would find it in your heart to give me one last chance, but that's just asking for too much. Before I leave, I want you to know, that when you told me that you loved me last night, it was the first time in my life that I truly felt happy. So thank you for that!" He gives me a small smile and then turns around giving me his back, walking slowly away from me.
"I still love you, you know!" I shout, not caring who hears me or who wakes up, nor how desperate I must sound. I was not going to let him go, I still wanted us to work. Maybe I've lost my mind, maybe I should be lockup in some padded room, but I just can't seem to let him go, I'm like a moth to a flame, knowingly flying to my downfall. He stops in his tracks and turns to face me once more, he's eyes locked into mine, searching for my unspoken answer to his previous request. "I am upset, I'm hurt and pissed, but I never once gave up on you and I already forgave you even before you turned up here like this, I just don't want to be that pathetic girl who lets her boyfriend treat her like shit all the time and get away with it!"
"So I'm forgiven?" I nod yes, looking up to him with a small shy smile. I can see him beaming, with a new sense of hope and it warms my heart. He inches closer to me and this time my body doesn't flinch. "I need to hear you say it, I need to know that I'm not just imagining this, that it's not all in my head, that it's real!" He says now stroking my cheek in the most gentle and affectionate way. I know I should've stayed mad at him for a bit longer, or maybe I should've have walked away all together from this toxic relationship, but it's too late, my heart want's what it want's and I can't seem to walk away. I am head over heels in love with him and I don't want to run away anymore. "Yes! Yes you are forgiven!" I say leaning my head further into his hand, closing my eyes and relishing in the warmth emanating from his skin. I can feel his other arm, snake around my waist, pulling me closer to him and in return, I wrap mine around his, squeezing him tight and burying my head into his chest. This is were I want to be, where I feel the happiest and I never want to let go, I just hope this time we can do better.
"I don't want us to fight anymore!" I say in a low voice. "We won't, I promise!" He answers as if so sure."I don't want you to make promises that you can't keep. Let just say that we will both try to do better, to communicate more and please, no more lies, okay?" I say to him. I don't like the idea of us making promises that neither of us are able to keep. What I want is for us to just try. "Okay!" He replies while bringing my head to his. His smile seems genuine and reassuring, giving me the confidence to believe in him again. "Okay!" I reply back and smile too. We stayed in each other's arms like this for a while, until I sneezed feeling cold. "Lets get you inside, before you get sick" He says while pulling away from me, just so to hold my hand and lead me back indoors. "Wait! You can't come inside!" I whisper in panic. "Why not?" He asked confused, but when he stared into my eyes, he then realised what I meant.
"Oh yeah, you brother!" He says, and then pulls me again to go inside. "Liam!" I whine, but he just smiles, putting a finger to he's sexy tempting lips, hushing me into silence. "I'll talk to him later, right now I just want to be with you, hold you and to be honest, I desperately need some shut eye!" Wow! From I love you to fighting, to making up and now he want's to sleep while holding me? I swear he's mood swings are going to give me whiplash, but then again, whom am I really kidding here? I love the idea of him spooning me and sleeping close to me. "You are so damn cheeky!" I whisper shout with fake outrage, but he just smiles back at me and gives me a kiss on the tip of my nose, making it tickle. "You love that side of me and you know it, so don't even bother giving me that snooty look!" Damn, sometimes he can read me like a book and sometimes he doesn't have a freaking clue, what am I ever going to do with him? I follow behind him and close the front door quietly not wanting to make a sound and get us discovered and then we both make our way to my room.
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Hi everyone 👋, sorry again to have kept you all waiting. My father has come to visit after three years of being apart, so we are making up for lost time. I hate having family spread across the world and not having enough money to visit them whenever I feel like it, but that's life. Anyway I'll try my best to update as often as I can.
Thank you all for being so patient xxx
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