Everyone cheered when Louis put the angel on top of the tree, stretching up from the piggyback that his Papa had lifted him into. Everyone except Niall, that was. He just smiled.
Louis couldn't help but feel a little sad as he was set back down on the ground, Papa had to go out to a night shift, Dad wanted to clear out the kitchen, Harry was off to Ash's house for the night. The decorations were up and it was a winter wonderland outside, but he'd never felt less festive.
He knew he'd have felt a lot better if Niall was talking, but the other twelve year old hadn't said a single word in three full weeks now, and he'd have been lying if he said it wasn't bothering him. He missed their conversations. It felt like they were strangers living in silence with one another.
But, Louis being Louis, he didn't want to complain. He didn't want to give up either though, so he waited until bedtime rolled around before he decided to try to at least communicate with his brother for a minute or two.
"You awake?" he hissed through the darkness, praying he'd get an audible answer from Niall.
Instead the other twelve year old rolled over in his bed so that Louis could just about make out his open eyes through the pitch blackness.
He forced a smile. "It's only five days till Christmas...what did you ask for?" he asked, voice barely a whisper. He just wanted a little input, just one word.
But he didn't get one.
Niall gave a small shrug and Louis couldn't help but let out a sigh.
"Okay," he mumbled, wishing he hadn't bothered because now it really felt like he was never going to get his brother, his best friend, back. He stared at the other bed for a moment, before rolling over to face the wall instead, tugging his duvet up over his shoulder. "Night, Ni," he said softly.
He didn't expect an answer this time. Instead, his phone buzzed on the mattress beside his pillow and he winced at the light that came from the screen as he clicked on the message notification. He grinned when he saw the name 'twin'.
twin : goodnight lou
He lifted himself up onto his elbows and looked at the other bed again, smiling at the other boy who was still holding his phone in his hand. He typed a quick text back.
louis : can we talk? i promise i won't tell.
He held his breath after pressing send, hoping his brother wouldn't react badly. Another message replied quickly enough.
twin : i'm sorry. i know i'm ruining things.
He let out a sigh at that, setting his phone down and sitting up in his bed. "You're not ruining things, Ni," he said gently, turning to look at the blond again, who looked teary eyed even in the dark. "I just miss us, that's all. We talked a lot about everything and - and I guess it just sucks that we can't talk anymore," he murmured, words as honest as he could allow them to be.
He knew that it wasn't Niall's choice to not speak, that was what his parents had told him anyway. He just couldn't wrap his head around it - the other boy knew how to talk, so why couldn't he just open his mouth and say something?
He heard a small sniff and felt his shoulder sag with guilt when he realised his brother was holding back tears.
"Ni, I didn't mean to upset you, it's okay," he said, quickly, chewing his lip anxiously, eyes flitting to the ajar door. He didn't want their Dad to come bursting in and making a big deal out of things. "You don't need to speak, you - you're still you. I just...I wish you could just talk to me," he mumbled.
Niall got out of bed then, fleecy pajamas hanging off of his small frame as he shuffled across to Louis' bed with his head still hanging slightly.
Louis didn't need words to know what was going on. He shuffled across to make some room and allowed the smaller boy to climb onto the mattress beside him. The two of them lay back, and Louis tugged the duvet over them both, letting Niall curl into his side and wrapping his arm around him gently.
He didn't care that this was something they used to do when they were younger. He didn't care if they were twelve now and maybe too old for this. All he cared about right then was the fact that they were both upset and having his brother close made him feel better.
He held onto him a little tighter when he heard the quiet sniffling again.
"M'sorry, Ni. It'll get better, I know it will. A-and Christmas is gonna be good, right?" he said, stammering a little because he didn't know if he was saying the right thing. "Nana and Gramps are coming over, we'll have presents in the morning and Dad'll burn the Christmas Dinner again. And we'll play boardgames and watch movies until midnight when Nana and Gramps go home. We'll have fun, it'll be the same as always," he said, trying to reassure himself of the words.
Because he had a feeling it wouldn't be the same as always, not with the mess of the past few months hanging over their heads constantly. Not when Harry would be on the phone to Ash the whole time, and Dad and Papa would spend the whole day looking worried like they always seemed to now. Not when Nana and Gramps would be awkward and not know what to say to them all. Not when Niall wasn't going to speak.
He fell asleep with those worries, and not even the comfort of having his brother safe beside him could soothe that.
#
Louis woke up to an empty bed the next morning. The winterish white glow dimly lit the room, and he sat up and stretched for a moment before his eyes landed on Cooper, who was stretched across Niall's otherwise empty bed whilst chewing on a shoe.
He rolled his eyes slightly at that, thankful it wasn't one of his before he stood up and stretched, shuffling out of the room in his pajamas and deciding to go downstairs where there was sound coming from the kitchen.
He walked into a familiar scene.
Papa looked exhausted, having gotten home in the early hours, sipping on a coffee. Dad was cooking eggs and bacon and baked beans. Harry was eating toast with one hand and holding his phone in the other. Niall was sitting with his legs criss cross on the stool, mashing up his cereal.
"Mornin' Lou," Papa greeted softly as he climbed up onto the seat beside Niall.
He managed a tight smile back, because as familiar as the scene was - it was just lacking. Because it was too quiet; Harry needed to be complaining about something dramatically, Dad and Papa needed to be teasing him, Niall needed to be rambling on about some pointless thing he'd learned the day before.
It just felt fake.
"Morning," he mumbled back, and he felt his Dad move to his side to set down a plate of hot food in front of him, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
"You okay, sweetheart?" he asked, handing Zayn another plate and then setting down his own, taking the empty seat on Louis' other side.
Louis chewed his lip and gave a shrug, feeling another pair of eyes on him. Niall was watching him with blue irises watery, and Louis could tell his brother was feeling guilty as if the bad mood was his fault.
That only succeeded in making Louis feel worse. He didn't want to make Niall feel bad, he wanted him to speak again. That was all he wanted, a little normality.
He wanted them to feel like twins again, instead of feeling as if he was the big brother who had to take care of the other twelve year old who suddenly seemed so much younger.
He picked up his fork and prodded at the eggs, then glanced at his father who was still waiting expectantly for an answer. "Yeah, Dad. I'm fine," he muttered, hoping the man would let it go.
Unfortunately, none of his hopes seemed to be getting fulfilled lately, because Liam rested a hand on his back and frowned a little.
"If somethings getting to you, you -"
"I need to tell you?" he asked, suddenly annoyed as he set down his fork again and frowned at his whole family whose eyes were all on him. "Fine, I'll tell you what's getting to me," he snapped, and he noticed how his Papa glanced at Niall and then back at him with a nervous disposition.
"Lou -" he started, but Louis ignored it and decided he was going to be selfish and ignore the way Niall was watching him with anxious eyes.
"No, I wanna tell you. I wanna tell all of you that I'm sick of everything being pretend! I'm sick of Harry pretending to be part of this family when all he ever does is talk to Ashton, I'm sick of you and Dad pretending that everything is getting better when I can tell you're worried constantly!" he couldn't help but raise his voice, he was getting all worked up. "I'm sick of feeling all messed up because my family is a mess, and I got myself kicked off the football team, and I still get treated like a baby. And I'm sick of the silence, I'm so sick of the silence," he was speakinbg quietly again now, trying to blink away the moisture from his eyes as he glanced at the other twelve year old whose own cheeks were damp.
He turned away and looked at his Dad again instead. "It's four days till Christmas and things are still all bad. And I don't wanna pretend that they're good anymore, Dad, 'cos they're not," he mumbled, dropping his head slightly as the tears finally began to fall. He quickly lifted a hand to wipe them away.
He heard his parents sigh. "Oh, Lou," Dad hummed, reaching out as if to hug him, but Louis didn't want sympathy. He wanted his parents to fix things the way they always seemed to.
But the more time went on, the more it felt as if things were unfixable. His family was falling apart and he just felt as if he was trapped in the middle, the same way he always was.
"Don't," he mumbled, slipping off the chair and making his way towards the doorway. "I just wanna be by myself for a bit," he said softly, not looking up as he was about to leave the room.
"Wait."
He stopped in his tracks at that. So did everything else. The room fell silent.
He hadn't heard that voice in three weeks, and when he looked up again, he didn't bother trying to hide the tears. He noticed that they were all crying now, even Harry and Dad and Papa.
Niall had stood up from his chair and was breathing a little heavily, hands twisted together anxiously in front of him as he gulped. He opened his mouth and then closed it again a few times, because everyone was watching him, waiting.
Louis' previous anger was forgotten, replaced by a speedy heart that made him anxious. He was beginning to think that maybe he had imagined the voice because it was all he wanted to hear.
But then Niall opened his mouth and words came out again. His voice was a little husky and so, so quiet, but it was there. It was there and that was what counted.
"I'm so sorry, Lou," he whispered, lifting a shaky hand to swipe away a tear. "I-I didn't mean to mess it up for everyone. I'm sorry if I've ruined Christmas, I thought - I thought I'd be better by now," he murmured, words shaking.
Louis didn't waste any time in marching over to the smaller boy and pulling him into the tightest hug he was sure he had ever given.
"It's okay," he said. "It's not ruined, it'll be okay."
Then three more pairs of arms were wrapped around them, the entire family in one huge embrace so that the two youngest were cacooned in the middle, feeling protected and safe.
"It takes time, baby, you'll get better," Dad hummed gently.
Papa nodded in agreement. "We'll all be here no matter how long it takes, for you and for Lou," he said, and Louis felt a few more tears fall at that.
He sniffed. "I didn't mean to upset everyone," he mumbled, chin rested on Niall's shoulder.
"No, you're right," Harry stared softly. "We're all pretending that everything's okay but it isn't," he agreed, letting out a small sigh.
Their Dad chewed his lip. "No more pretending from now on. Everyone's gotta be more honest about everything, right?" he said, and they all nodded, murmuring their agreements.
Louis felt better already, as if a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He felt even better when he heard Niall speak again.
"No more pretending," he whispered.
Louis managed a smile. "You're all gonna tease me for saying this, but I really missed your voice, Ni," he murmured.
There was a small hum of laughter at that, and Papa grinned. "No, I think we can all agree on that one. We all missed hearing you speak, kiddo," he stated, and Niall smiled, wiping his eyes dry again.
"Yeah? I-I kinda missed it too," he whispered.
Papa laughed at that, and everyone began to talk animatedly as they broke away from the hug, excited that things seemed to be a little better now than they had just moments before, relieved that Niall was speaking, grateful that Louis had been honest.
Louis and Niall held onto each other for a little longer.
"Ni...I didn't mean to pressure you into talking or anything," he murmured, still feeling a little guilty.
Niall shook his head against his shoulder. "You didn't. I-I'm sorry I was quiet for so long, I didn't mean to be," he whispered. Then he let out a sniffle of a laugh and added, "anyway, I was missing the way we used to talk too."
Louis grinned at that, pulling away and holding up a fist. "Twins?"
Niall smiled back and bumped his knuckles against his.
"Always," he whispered back.
AN
he speaks!!
so sorry about the slow updates at the moment, but i've been so busy! hopefully they'll be back to normal soon enough - i'm thinking of maybe starting a new book after this one and postponing book three for a little while to cure my writers block...would that be okay with you all? it would be another family fic for definite :)
anyway - what do you think of the chapter?
and niall's selective mutism? this is something that would obviously follow along into book three when i get round to it as well.
thanks for reading!
EDITED 20.12.21