Chapter Thirty-Eight
Soroya
The mountains of Jabariland are beautiful. I never get tired of seeing them. When Steve dropped me off, I took Bucky's box of belongings and put it in my room in the palace. I feel better having it here, for some reason it feels safer.
Since it was late at night when I arrived, I waited until the next morning to see everyone. I said hello to Okoye first, who gave me a beautiful short spear she helped design for my birthday. It makes me wish I could carry weapons on my suit.
I spent some time with her and Ramonda before heading to see Khari. He was in a meeting with M'Baku, who greeted me with a wide smile and a birthday wish. Khari and I went back to his house when he was done, where his parents were nice enough to surprise me with a birthday cake.
I absolutely love Khari's parents. I remember when Alex first met them, how nervous he was to take that step in his first relationship. So nervous in fact, he made me come with him. I instantly fell in love with Lekan and Makena. Both of them are so open and warm, so kind to everyone they meet. It's obvious where Khari got his optimism and idealistic views. Alex and I came here to visit them all the time. They really took us into their family. In another life, if things had been different, we just might have become family for real. But even with how things turned out, they both treat me like part of the family.
The cake Makena made was delicious; it was chocolate with strawberry frosting. She also made me pasta, which she knows is my absolute favorite. I told everyone I didn't want gifts, but knowing the Chikere family, I knew that was a lost cause. Makena and Lekan gave me beautiful necklace with a carved wooden flower. I teared up when they gave it to me, hugging them both very tightly. Khari gave me a present I loved just as much, while on one of our missions he apparently did some shopping for me. He bought me a pair of beautiful tap shoes so I no longer have to borrow pairs from the studio I dance at.
This is all I would have ever wanted for Alex. This family is something I wanted for him more than anything. Even as children I would dream of the day he met a nice girl or boy that made him open up his heart. I'm so glad I got to see it happen, if only for a while.
After the celebration was over, Khari took me onto the roof of the house. This is where Khari does all his painting. As we walk towards the edge of the roof, I pass by at least thirty paintings lying around.
"You've been painting a lot lately." I point out. Last time I visited there weren't nearly as many canvases.
Khari looks at them, nodding his head. "It's been helping...it's a good distraction."
I nod my head solemnly, knowing just how he feels. It's the reason why I dance; because I can forget my pain, if only for a moment.
"I'm sorry," Khari says after a few moments. "I tell then every year you don't want to celebrate your birthday, but they wouldn't take no for an answer."
I shake my head, placing my hand on his arm. "It's fine, really. They were so sweet. I love the gifts and the cake was amazing. I can't thank them enough for how they took Alex and I in. It just makes me think what could have been..."
Khari closes his eyes, his voice thick as he says: "I think about that everyday."
I gave myself a lot of credit for holding back my tears until now, but there was no reason to hide them from Khari. "I keep thinking about how I'm-I'm not a little sister anymore. I'm older than him. I don't want to be older than him." I weep. Khari collects me into his arms and holds onto me tightly.
He holds me for a long time as I cry into his chest. I feel so grateful I have him here to share my pain. I know he misses Alex as much as I do, and that makes it that much easier to bare the weight of that grief.
"I went on a date the other day," Khari says. This makes me pull back and stare at him in shock. He shrugs as he sees my reaction. "I thought I would try..."
"Well, how did it go?"
"He was very kind, very considerate. He is a Jabari soldier named Kellan. I didn't even make it through the whole date before I broke down and told him I couldn't continue with it," he shakes his head, wiping a tear away. "I thought that maybe after five years I would move on...but I loved Alex. I don't think I'll ever move on from him."
I nod my head, feeling my lip quiver. "I know just how you feel."
"So I'm guessing you haven't tried to go on anymore dates?"
I shake my head, staring at the glowing lights of the torches throughout the city. "My therapist keeps telling me I should, but I know there's no point. She keeps telling me to move on. She says going on dates will lead to me finding love again. She says through time I'll make peace with what's happened. But you know, the only peace I get is when I help other people deal with what Thanos did. Being able to bring them some sliver of hope for the future gives my life meaning, but I can't seem to bring myself to find that same hope."
"Hope to be happy again?"
I feel the tears stream down my face faster as I continue. "I don't go on dates because I know I won't fall in love again. No one can ever take Bucky's place. I would rather keep myself alone and miserable, than open myself up to loving someone else. I don't want to move on. If I do, what if that person is ripped from me too? I'm afraid to love again. And that's the hardest part of all this. I fought so hard for so long to never loose sight of who I am. Over these past few years I've felt my hope for the future, my optimism, my faith slowly break away. I feel like I'm becoming the hardened, cynical person I've fought so hard not to become."
Khari wipes the tears from my cheeks. "You aren't becoming a cynic. Not wanting to open yourself up again is normal given what's happened to you. Everyone doesn't want to risk getting their hearts broken again. I'll tell you the reason why you aren't losing sight of yourself; you could have stayed in bed for the rest of your life and locked out the world, but you chose to step up and help those who needed you. Despite everything you were going through, despite facing a man who killed billions of people with no remorse, you still believe in the good in people. After all these years you still fight for the good in this world. I know that just by the smile on your face when you see all the people of earth coming together to heal and rebuild. You're still the same woman. Even though you've been through more pain than you deserve, that pain isn't going to change you into something you're fundamentally not."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
I try to take a deep breath and rub at my eyes, using my therapists method of counting each breath until I calm down.
"Thank you, Khari. I wouldn't have gotten through these past five years without you by my side."
"Neither would I," He says smiling sadly at me. "You're my best friend, and no matter what gets thrown at you, you will always be the selfless and compassionate woman that I look up to. That Alex looked up to."
I curl up against his chest again and release a breath, feeling his arms wrap around me, one hand stroking my hair gently. I always wanted my brother with me, but now his absence felt like a gaping whole in my chest that expands with every breath. For several moments, I feel like I'm drowning; the only thing keeping me from slipping into the void is Khari's arms around me.
I feel a buzz in my pocket. I jump back at first, still not used to carrying around a cellphone in my pocket. I pull away from Khari, wiping my eyes and seeing that Steve is calling me. I open my phone and press the answer button, hearing his voice on the other line sounding rather confused.
"Soroya, I need you to come back here."
"Why? Is everything alright?"
"Well, I don't know really. It's hard to explain. I know it's something you'll want to hear. I'll be there in twenty minutes, I'm on my way there now."
"Alright, I'll meet you at the palace." I say, before pressing end on the call. I look back at Khari, who takes the words right out of my mouth.
"Duty calls?"
I nod, standing up and offering my hand out to him, which he takes. "Can you do me a favor and take the shoes and necklace back to my room?"
Khari nods. "Of course. What does Steve need?"
"He didn't say," I tell him as we make our way back into the house. "But whatever it is, he sounded like he was bouncing off the walls."
"Like he was excited?"
"Kind of. I'll tell you what news he has for me later tonight when I get a chance. Though I bet it's nothing, probably just another mission."