~
Billie
~
I take a shaky breath as I get out of my car and look up at the apartment building in front of me. Devon lives here, and I'm seeing him for the first time since finding out I'm pregnant.
He definitely blocked my number, because he hasn't been responding to me at all. I'm leaving to go camping tomorrow, and ever that I'm going on tour right away, so I have to tell him before I don't get a chance to for months.
I nervously open the door and walk into the familiar building, nodding at the security guard I recognize before I step into the elevator.
When I get to Devon's floor I walk to his door as slowly as possible, and when I reach it I pause for a while before lifting my hand and knocking tentatively.
When he opens it and sees me her lets out a grunt of disapproval, unsurprisingly not looking at all happy to see me like he used to.
"What are you doing here?" he asks blankly and I fiddle with the many rings on my fingers anxiously.
Whenever Lexi sees me do that she takes my hand and laces our fingers together to calm me down.
"I, uh, can I come in? We need to talk," I ask nervously and he just keeps staring at me with a frown.
"We can talk out here."
I give him a pleading look but his hard stare doesn't soften. I sigh in defeat and hang my head for a few seconds before looking up at him again, pushing the hair out of my face as I do.
"Okay Imma just say it I guess. I'm pregnant," I say bluntly and his eyes widen. "And before you ask if I'm sure, yes I'm sure. I took a test and went to the doctor just in case. And yes it's yours, it couldn't anyone else's."
Claudia took me to the doctor a few days ago, just so we could get a proper test and then work from there. I got an ultrasound and consultation and cried a little bit while the three of us discussed my options together. Great time.
"You keeping it?" he asks after a long pause.
I shrug. "I dunno yet. I'm still considering everything."
"You shouldn't," he says quickly and I furrow my eyebrows together because I've been agonizing over this for weeks, but it's so easy for him. Why cant it be that easy for me? "I mean unless you want it. But I don't."
"So you wouldn't stick around if I did?" I ask and he looks guilty for a second before it disappears.
"I got shit to do, Bil," he says lamely and scratches the back of his head. "A kid would fuck that up."
"Right, because I can't relate to that at all," I say sarcastically and he rolls his eyes. "So you expect me to just do this alone?"
"If you keep it then your new girlfriend that you have so much history with can play baby daddy," he says coldly then shuts the door in my face, leaving me with tears in my eyes and shock on my face.
I didn't know what to expect, but I definitely didn't expect him to be so cold. I thought he really cared about me, but I guess that's in the past. He used to look at me with love in his eyes and tell me about how much he liked being around me and all that mushy shit, but now he just seems heartless.
How will Lexi react? I can't imagine her leaving me again, but then again I couldn't imagine Devon leaving me either. Maybe it's just that I don't want to imagine her leaving me again.
Why is this happening to me?
I sulk as I step back from the front door and trudge down the hall, feeling completely defeated and overwhelmed. I sniffle and wipe the tears off my cheeks as I get into the elevator, and try my best to compose myself before I step out into the lobby. I hurry by the security guard without a word and practically run to my car, then break down as soon as I shut the door behind me and rest my head on the steering wheel.
It takes me a while, but once I compose myself I drive back to my apartment. Lexi's sleeping over tonight so we can all leave together early tomorrow morning, so at least I have something to look forward to. Although, the guilt I feel over lying to Lexi takes away some of the happiness I get from hanging out with her. I want to tell her, I really do, but every time I try I freeze up and change the subject.
I just don't want her to leave again.
When I get to my apartment I'm pleasantly surprised to find Lexi already there, snuggled up with Finneas and Claudia on the couch.
"Princess!" she says happily when she sees me walk in. "Come sit, we just started a movie."
"I actually just really wanna lay down," I respond and her smile falters, being replaced by a look of worry.
"Do you wanna be alone?" she asks and I think for a second before shaking my head.
"Let's go lay down then," she says and pulls away from Finneas and Claudia, who both whine in a tired protest. "Quiet, you old farts."
"That was really mean," Finneas whispers and I roll my eyes in amusement then let Lexi take my hand and lead me down the hall to my room.
"How was your day?" she asks once the door shuts, and I smile softly when I feel her arms wrap around my waist from behind.
"Shitty," I mumble and lean my head back against her shoulder while my eyes close. "How was yours?"
"Well I had class and then work at the studio and then work with the kids so it was pretty tiring, but good," she says and I feel her press a sweet kiss to my cheek. "Why was it shitty? Kian?"
Tell her.
"Yeah, Kian," I reply while the part of me that wants to tell her screams at me for being a fucking idiot.
Coward.
I turn around in her arms so I can look up at her and wrap my arms around her neck loosely. She smiles softly while looking at me, and I lean up to quickly peck her lips.
"How did the kids react to it being your last day for a while?" I ask when I pull away and she pouts slightly.
"They were really sad, especially Gabe and Addy," she says quietly, and I can tell she feels guilty. "She took it really personal actually, her mom said she has abandonment issues because her dad's gone."
I frown at that, but also take note of how caring Lexi is when she talks about the kids she takes care of. Every time I've seen her with a kid, they've been obsessed with her, the same way a lot are with me. She's goofy and fun with them, but at the same time I saw how encouraging she was when Gabe was talking about his future, and obviously she's very supportive of Addy even outside of school. Maybe Devon was right, and Lexi will be able to help me through this and take on a roll in the baby's life if I decide to keep it.
I just have to work up the courage to actually tell her I'm pregnant.
"Tell her mom they can come to one of the LA shows at the end. Backstage and all that. I'm sure that'll perk her up," I say and Lexi's lips curl up into a soft smile.
"I'll do that," she says and pulls me over towards the bed so I can lay down like I initially intended to do. "How's your stomach?"
"Fine now," I answer and roll over so I don't have to look at her and feel guilty, which she takes as an indication to wrap her arms around me and pull me close.
We cuddle in a peaceful silence until I drift off to sleep, feeling completely at ease in Lexi's arms.
When I wake up later I can tell from the lack of warmth beside me that I'm alone in my bed. The room is totally dark now and I sit up to check the time, raising a surprised brow when I see that it's midnight. I guess I slept right through the evening.
But where's Lexi?
I get out of bed and walk towards the door, opening it quietly so I don't wake up Finneas or Claudia. I walk down the hallway and stop she the archway into the living room gives me a view of who I'm looking for.
I stop walking and just watch silently as she sits on the windowsill in the living room, with her feet resting on the fire escape below it. In one hand she has a joint that she keeps hitting, and in her other hand her phone keeps her distracted.
I frown in a mix of disappointment and disgust. I feel like every second she has the chance to she's smoking, and I hate it. I know it's just weed or whatever her excuse is, but any substance can be bad if you use it enough. Alcohol is legal too, but if she drank alcohol as much as she smokes weed she'd get her ass sent to AA.
I'm about to say something when her phone starts to ring and she lets out a quiet groan before bringing it to her ear.
"What?" she's quiet, but her tone is still snappy. "I told you I'm going away for a few months, get your shit from someone else until I get back."
My stomach drops at that.
Her shit? Is she still dealing? I don't want to jump to conclusions, but that really is what it sounds like.
I can't believe she's still lying to me after everything, but I'm lying to her too so I don't know how much moral high ground I possess in this situation.
"I dunno man, it's not my problem anymore," she says in an irritated voice before hanging up the phone. "You gonna keep staring at me from the shadows, Bil?"
I freeze in surprise and blush slightly in embarrassment when she turns her head to look directly at me.
"Who was that?" I ask and straighten up, snapping out of my embarrassment quickly so I can confront her.
"This dude I write papers for," she answers and my tense shoulders relax a bit, but part of me is wondering if that's just a cover.
"Why do you write papers for him?"
"Rich kids who paid to get into good schools they're not actually smart enough for will pay top dollar for an essay and I'm smart as shit soooo." She says it jokingly with a goofy grin, as if it isn't true. We both know it's true.
She flicks her roach out the window then stands up and moves to the couch instead, looking at me as she gestures for me to sit on her lap. I do, and lean back against her chest when her tattooed arms wrap around my body.
"You know for a second I thought you were still dealing," I admit and close my eyes as I start to realize how tired I am.
"I'm dealing straight A's," she jokes and I smile slightly in amusement. "But in all serious, Bil, I'm done with that shit. I meant what I told you, and from now on I'm telling you the truth no matter what. I promise when I say I'm done, I'm done."
My stomach twists at that, because even though they put my mind about her dealing at ease, they also make me feel really guilty. I've gotten on her case about lying to me, but recently she's been completely honest. As much as it hurt, she told me immediately about Shay, and has promised to be completely truthful. And here I am, a hypocrite.
"Lexi, I have to tell you something," I say and pull back from her a bit so I can turn my head and look at her properly.
"What's up?" she asks, and I can tell from the little worry line between her eyebrows that she's nervous.
I take in a breath shakily and stare at her in silence for a moment, my heart pounding with nerves as I really consider telling her what's going on. I have to, the longer I keep it from her the harder it'll be for her to hear.
But what if this ruins everything? What if she can't deal with it decides to leave me again? I couldn't handle that again. Last time pretty much broke me, and I'm weaker now than I was then.
"Billie?" she asks softly and I realize I haven't said anything for quite a while.
"Sorry," I mumble and bite my lip anxiously for a moment before finally....
I chicken out.
"I think I want to sleep in different bunks for tour. You know I love cuddling you, it's just I think there'll be times where I'll need my own space when everything gets crazy," I make something up on the spot, because I can't just say never mind after the build up I created.
Lexi lets out a breath, "Holy shit, princess, you had me thinking you were gonna say something really bad," she says with a laugh and I force a chuckle. "That's okay, I totally get it. But when we're in hotels we can share, right?"
I smirk. "Of course. We can do a lot of things when we're in hotels," I whisper and lean in to kiss her lips passionately.
For a few moments, her lips distract me from how angry I am at myself for still not telling her.
~
"Babe, I know you're frustrated, but getting bitchy with the tent isn't going to help. It's a tent," I tease and Lexi huffs, giving me a defeated look as she gives up on the tent poles in her hand.
"The box said instant tent, this is not an instant tent," she grumbles and I walk over to her, resting my hands on her cheeks sweetly.
"Calm down," I chuckle and kiss the tip of her nose. "We can just make Finneas do it."
"No you can't!" he calls out from the other side of the campsite, where he's just about to finish putting the other tent together with Claudia.
"I got this, I don't need Finneas," Lexi insists and pulls away from me so she can try again. "I got into Harvard, I can build a fucking tent," she mutters to herself and I raise a brow.
"Harvard?"
She nods without looking up from what she's doing. "Yeah my dad made me apply for 'options other than music' or whatever," she explains and I stare at her incredulously.
She must sense my gaze because she looks up and raises her eyebrows at me, "Why do you keep staring at me?"
"I just can't believe I'm dating such a nerd," I reply and she rolls her eyes playfully. "I mean Harvard, really? You're just asking for a swirly," I joke and she snorts in amusement.
"You know, some people find academia sexy," she argues and I crouch down to help her with the tent, because it's obvious she's still struggling.
"Yeah, other nerds," I argue back and she bumps me with her shoulder playfully.
Eventually we manage to get the tent up, and we stare at it proudly for a few moments before Claudia and Finneas run out of their tent, now wearing swimsuits.
"See you guys at the swimming hole!" Claudia shouts as she runs into the trees, squealing when Finneas catches up and lifts her over his shoulder.
"They're gross," I mumble and Lexi laughs as we climb into our tent so we can change into bathing suits.
"Damn," Lexi says once I finish putting my bikini on, and I bite my lip a little shyly as I look down at it then at her.
"You like?"
She nods and eyes me up and down once more before leaning in to kiss me slowly but firmly, making me head spin. My fingers lace into her hair while she moves her warm hands to my hips. Just as she tries to get more into it, I put my hands on her shoulders to push her away.
"Why?" she whines and I sit up.
"I wanna go swimming, we can do this later." I kiss her pouty lips then unzip the tent and crawl out.
I gasp when I feel Lexi slap my ass as I do, and shoot her a playful glare over my shoulder before getting out of the tent. She gets out after me and we walk to the watering hole with our fingers intertwined, both of us taking our time so we can appreciate the scenery around us.
When we reach the water Lexi doesn't hesitate to kick off her flip flops and drop her towel before diving straight in, while Finneas and Claudia cheer happily. I walk down to the bank instead of jumping off of the same rock as Lexi and swim over to them as I slowly get used to the cold water.
We spend a while there together, just swimming around and goofing off. We do chicken fights, me and Lexi vs Finneas and Claudia of course. Lexi and Finn have a diving competition, which Lexi ends up winning. Lexi has a lot of fun messing with me by swimming underwater and grabbing my legs suddenly whenever I space out, and Finneas has fun teasing me about it.
They're the worst when they're together.
When the sun starts to go down and our stomachs start to grumble, we dry off a bit with our towels then start walking back to camp. Lexi, noticing how tired I am, wordlessly stops walking and bends her knees slightly so I can hop on her back. I smile and do just that, wrapping my arms around her neck loosely while she grips my thighs and carries me through the woods.
When we get back to camp we change into warmer clothes then decide to start a fire. Finneas and Claudia go off in one direction to find kindling, while Lex and I go off to find some firewood.
"I still think we should've brought bear spray," I say as we trek through the trees, Alexis leading.
"I'll drawn a circle around us real quick, we're fine."
"That's for sea bears, you idiot. Harvard my ass," I tease and she snickers before suddenly stopping in her tracks, which causes me to crash into her back. "Jeez, Lex. What the hell?"
"Shhh," she shushes me while looking around with a look of concentration, like she's listening for something.
There's a long pause of silence before a snap not too far away, most likely a twig snapping on the forest floor. But what made it snap?
I open my mouth to call for Fin and Claud's but Lexi clamps her hand down over my mouth before I can and pulls me behind a large tree beside us.
"Baby, don't scream. But you were right," she whispers in my ear and I tense. For a moment I'm scared, but then I roll my eyes and laugh against her hand.
Nice try, she can't get me that easy.
"Billie shut up," she hisses in my ear. "I'm dead serious right now," she keeps her voice below a whisper, and I know she's for real when I hear the genuine fear in her voice.
My eyes widen slightly and she slowly uncovers my mouth. She nudges me back against the tree then shuffles to the side a little bit so she can peak around the tree for a second. There's another snap, closer this time, and she suddenly hides behind the tree again.
"He's so close," she whispers and despite her protest I peer around to get a look too.
My eyes nearly pop out of my head when I see a fully grown grizzly bear wandering around not too far from where we're hiding. It's clearly sniffing for something in particular, and I really hope it's not us.
"Okay, okay," Lexi whispers and I duck down with her again. "I'm gonna make a distraction, then you should wait a few seconds before running back to camp."
"The fuck? No," I whisper as firmly as I can while keeping quiet. "We're in this together, that's not debatable."
She searches my eyes for a second and must see how serious I am because she decides not to argue. I watch as she thinks for a second before she reaches out to grab a large rock from the ground and hurl it to the left of us, but not directly to our left so the bear won't be in our eye-line if it goes after it.
I peer around the tree with Lexi again to find that the bear lifted its head and looked over st where the rock landed, but didn't feel inclined to follow it. Lexi grunts and grabs another rock, throwing it in the same direction.
This time, the bear charges after it with a terrifying noise. Lexi and I watch it and wait for a few beats before she pushes me up with her and we sprint back to camp. She stays behind me intentionally, putting herself between me and the bear in case it decides to follow, and yet again I'm reminded about the kind of person Lexi is.
She's the kind of person who puts the people she loves first, and would do anything to protect her friends and family and loved ones. She's fiercely loyal when she really cares, and she's making strides in being more open and honest.
She's the kind of person who could help me get through the next nine months, and hopefully many, many months after that.
When we break into the clearing where our camp is, we startle Finneas and Claudia who are waiting in the chairs set up sprung the fire pit.
"Bear," I choke out between pants and bend down, resting my hands on my knees while I try to catch my breath.
"I don't think it followed," Lexi adds breathlessly and I feel her start to rub my back gently. "You good?"
I nod, and when I catch my breath I stand up straight and turn around to face her.
"I fucking told you," I accuse and she just smiles while pulling me close. "Say I was right."
"You were right," she says easily and I smirk triumphantly. "I'm glad you're happy to be right, baby. I'm just glad we didn't get mauled."
"Being right is almost as fun as not being mauled," I joke and lean up to peck her lips. "I love you."
"I love you too."
"This is lovely and all, but we still need wood!" Finneas calls out, and I just tune him out while I kiss Lexi back harder.
A/N
not edited wow what a surprise i was too lazy that's soooooo unlike me
way to ruin the i love you ending finneas.....
i know some of you are eager for the bombshell that's getting ready to drop, but i like making you wait in agony, never knowing when everything is going to implode.
heheheheheheh