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[ CHAPTER TWENTY NINE ]
Penis Lupin and the Sex Depraved Snivy
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The Christmas Holidays actually went by a lot quicker than Exie had anticipated. Having Sirius there for the first week really made a difference: a little of slice of Hogwarts had come home with her. By the time he left, Lena and the twins had returned, followed soon after by her parents until they were back to a full house. Her parents were on great spirits, their negotiations in Geneva having been a tremendous success. Although they eventually had to go back to work after New Years, the family made the most of their time and honestly it ended up being one of the best Christmases yet.
Part of her did feel sad when the day came to leave but it was mostly outweighed by excitement. The moment she was reunited with the boys, she felt complete once more, the five of them in hysterics the entire train ride. They managed some business too - it was crucial they figured out a way to explain their soon to be month of silence before they.
After several rejected suggestions including claiming their tongues had been removed and joining a monastery, they at last stumbled onto a winner. They'd claim it was a silent protest in favour of the harsh punishments for those who dared to step outside the tyrannical rules that bound Hogwarts. All they had to do was get just one of them thrown in detention and the plan could kick off. With their track record, James and Sirius assured the others that they could cause enough trouble to earn detention before they even got off the train. Thanks to his Mother's potioneering hobby, James had already managed to swipe mandrake leaves from her collection so all they really needed now was for the prank to go ahead.
Given that the boys didn't want to mess around, Exie expected it would most likely occur by the end of the day at the latest. Luckily Exie had known this would probably happen so had already planned something for her and Lily before she went into a months vow of silence.
"Are you okay, Exie? You've hardly touched your plate." Peter noticed during dinner.
"Just had a few too many chocolate frogs on the train," Exie explained as nonchalantly as possible. It sounded casual but really it had taken her a good hour to come up with, "Anyway, if I'm hungry later I can just go and bargain with the house elves."
"If you threaten to wrap a tie around one of their ears, they'll really give you anything," Sirius grinned fondly, "Even freedom can be a great weapon in the hands of someone who knows how to use it."
Technically, Exie wasn't lying. She was planning a trip to the house elves later but would try actually asking them nicely before resorting to Sirius's immoral tactics.
Whilst the boys had been planning their ultimate prank, worthy of a silent protest, Exie had been concocting her own little scheme. She'd pre-warned Lily a few days before to go light on dinner and basically ordered the girl to keep her schedule free after eight. For once, she'd put vast amounts effort in which really couldn't go to waste.
The boys finished dinner a bit later than expected which meant she was a little stretched for time. Sirius and James slunk off mysteriously soon after so it was only Peter and Remus she had to worry about. Luckily, they were happy to leave her be, having plans of their own anyway. Remus wished her good luck as did she on the essays he wanted to fine tune and Peter was excited to crack on with some secret knitting thanks to this rare event of a James and Sirius free evening.
Once in the dorm, she got started, throwing open her trunk and chucking everything out until she found what she needed. She probably looked like a lunatic staggering down the Gryffindor stairs holding several blankets and candles, even more so when she climbed out a window. But she was in such a hurry, other people's opinions mattered even less than they usually did.
She was finished just in time, rushing up the stairs and falling onto bed as she checked the clock. Two minutes to eight - nice.
Her brief relaxation was cut short as the ever-prompt Lily soon returned with her friends.
"Exie! I'm here," She stood over her in a looming fashion.
"Yes, you are," Exie jumped up, extending an arm out, "Lily Evans, come with me."
"Have fun, don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Marlene called after them as they left.
At the door, Lily turned back over her shoulder and winked, "Really limiting my options then, aren't you."
Marlene went crimson in the cheeks as Lily yanked Exie and they left before she could get another word in.
"Where did that come from?!"
Lily gave a shrug of her shoulders, a coy smile on her lips, "Like I said, I don't like being sassy but that doesn't mean I can't be. She's been making inappropriate jokes all evening too and it was starting to annoy me."
"Well, Lily, if you don't like inappropriateness then you're in for a great evening," Exie shot a sneaky finger gun, "My life is about as PG as you can get, baby."
"Ooh," Lily cooed, leaning her head on Exie's shoulder, "You just get romance, Exie."
Although it was a joke, judging by the way her date left Lily speechless, the girl's words weren't entirely wrong. Not to toot her own horn but Exie was pretty happy with it.
Thanks to her escapades with the Marauders, she had a good idea of the safest rooftops. If you went out the second window next to the Charms classroom and crawled around the corner a bit, there was a particularly nice one that had a great view and was flat enough to safely relax on. Plus the alignment of the walls meant sound didn't travel into the castle; you could stay there for hours without fear of being overheard.
It was here Exie had chosen to have their date. The entire bit was adorned with blankets and candles, held down with charms that she'd had to practice at home. That was a bit tricky considering she couldn't actually use magic so had only been able to practise the hand movements with no idea if that would actually do anything. Luckily, they'd gone to plan after the fifth try so everything was securely in place. The finishing touch was a small picnic basket in the middle which had been a bitch to fit in her trunk, even with the invisible extension charms placed upon it.
Still, it was worth it to see the look on Lily's face, her hand delicately placed in Exie's as she helped her along the rooftops.
Once Lily had recovered her speech, she breathlessly murmured, "Exie, this is really beautiful. How long did this take you?"
"Not long," Exie flippantly lied, "Here you sit on this side, it's more protected from the wind. There's a few heating charms but I don't know how good they are so I have some extra blankets too if you get chilly."
"This is honestly so lovely," Lily couldn't stop smiling as Exie sat on the opposite side.
"Check out all the leftover food the house elves gave me," She unveiled tonight's selection, "We've got leftover roast potatoes, crème brûlée and tiramisu - they even gave me a bit of ice cream which they weren't even serving today! How mad is that!"
Her heart fell slightly as she realised the potatoes had likely cooled down a lot. Luckily, she was with Lily Evans, who had got an O in Charms four years running. Soon, the hot food was hot, the cold food was cold and they could get on with their evening.
It was nice to be around someone she could talk to for hours. Catching up on their holidays soon gave way to nonsensical discussions about whether parallel universes existed and if they did, whether Sirius was humble in any of them.
They decided no.
Speaking of the boys, that did remind Exie she should probably give Lily a vague heads up on everything, "Now, I don't want to alarm but at some point, maybe even as early as tomorrow, I'm going to probably have to stop talking to you for a month."
Lily's eyed shot wider as Exie realised how bad that sounded, "Why?! Is it because Sirius found out about us and we have to lay low? There are other ways, I'm sure - "
"No, no, nothing like that! James and Peter still don't know either, only Remus and Sirius who are both really calm about it," Her words of reassurance did little as Lily's eyes still remained puppy like, "James has gone weirdly politically all of a sudden, probably read some strange book in his home library or something. It's been known to happen before. He said he's sick of getting thrown in detention so next time it happens, we're all to go on a silent protest."
Lily scoffed, "James in silent protest? But he loves the sound of his voice so much... not to be rude but I'm not wrong."
"No, you're not," Exie admitted, "You know what they're like, it really could happen anytime so I just wanted to let you know in advance."
"Well, that's okay. You can still secretly break it in the dorms."
Exie froze, mentally chiding herself for forgetting this obvious loophole if, "I... I could but word travels fast. I've got to keep it up even when they're not there in case James take political to a new level and goes all dictator on us."
"You're not scared of him, are you? His bark is worse than his bite."
"You've seen Sn - Severus's battle scars, James is a lot of talk but he's not afraid of action either. And I'm not scared of him but it's just easier to go along with it really than fight, that's effort," Exie casually shrugged.
Although she didn't look too happy, Lily sighed with begrudging acceptance, "I sense you're doing this no matter what. If you're silent, how will you tell James about us though?" The lines on her forehead deepened, "You don't think him and Sirius planned it in advance, do you? This whole silence thing is very out of the blue..."
Annoyingly, Exie knew for a fact it wasn't but couldn't tell Lily about their animagus plan even if they were together, "Nah, it's not. Besides, I sense the silent protest will be broken when it's just the five of us so I can find a way then, don't worry."
"But if you break it for them, why can't you break it for me? I won't tell, I promise and neither will Marlene or Mary!" Lily pleaded.
No matter how much she wanted to, she just couldn't. If Lily saw the leaf in her mouth it would lead to too many questions, "Sorry, Lily, but James did say politics is full of double standards."
Lily did nothing but pout, turning her nose up into the air in a snooty fashion, "Hmph."
"Come on, I'll write you cute notes instead to make up for it, we can sneakily pass them around, it will be fun! Or we can learn sign language, have a cute little library date?" The temptations did little to move Lily so another approach was needed, "Good thing you're looking away, I can finish all this Tiramisu - "
"NOT THE TIRAMISU!"
After they'd finished it together, Lily's mood was good enough to negotiate and as it turned out, she quite liked Exie's suggestions after all. When at last they returned well into the late hours, Exie fell asleep with the firm belief that her vow of silence would begin the next day.
However, this clearly wasn't the case as James greeted them at breakfast the next morning with a cheerful, "Morning all."
Exie looked around - they were surrounded by tonnes of people who had all heard. Lowering her voice, she hissed, "Why are we still talking? I thought you two would have carried out some cunning prank yesterday and our silence would have started."
"Is there a leaf in your mouth?"
"Well, no but - "
"Then the silence is yet to start," James pointed out.
"I thought we wanted to get the ball rolling though!"
"And we will. I'll explain it all, Exie, but first I have to attend to higher priorities," His eyes lit up at the plate piled high in front of him, "Bacon."
After several minutes of content munching, James continued on, "Me and Sirius were talking last night - "
"That's what I was doing too with Remus... definitely not knitting a jumper," Peter cut in flustered.
"I can confirm this," Remus said flatly, "The only jumper in our dorm last night was mine and it was knitted already."
Sirius and James exchanged raised eyebrow but the latter carried on as if nothing had been said, " - and we figured if people are going to believe this silent protest, we need to go big. Sure, we could have done a rushed job under the cover of night and caught by Filch but that would be so ordinary everyone would wonder: why kick up a fuss now?"
"If anyone was going to believe us it has to be perfect," Sirius said, "It needs a target, someone with an obvious weakness that we can trigger and get ourselves a punishment much harsher than usual in front of everyone."
"Oh, who did you have in mind?" Exie asked through a mouthful of seeds.
James tapped the side of his nose, "You'll just have to wait and see."
"You're really keeping us in the dark?" For some reason, this scandalised Peter, "Please just give me a hint, I can keep a secret!"
"Good things come to those who wait."
"And don't think of it us hiding things from you, more that we're keeping you in suspense so you too can enjoy the show," Sirius replied.
"As long as your show doesn't involve destroying the essays I finished last night, then it sounds like a good plan," Remus said.
"Oh no!" James mockingly slapped the palm of his head against his forehead, "Our the whole thing revolved around burning your essays in front of the everyone! Whatever will we do, the plan is up in smoke just like your essays were meant to be!"
"I know you're joking but if anything happens to them, I will make you hand write them again yourself," Remus remarked dryly, "And you wouldn't even be allowed a cheating quill either, you'll do it the traditional way until your hands cramped."
"Alright, Remus, mate, stay calm, will you?!"
Annoyingly, the plan required clearly required such careful planning that she hardly saw Sirius and James over the next few days. It did give her more time with Lily but she knew her days of conversations were numbered. However soon a full week had passed and there were still no sign of anything; Exie was practically walking with eyes in the back of her head to make sure she didn't miss anything.
But James and Sirius hadn't forgotten and made very sure she knew that.
"Has everyone done their potions homework?" James asked cheerily as the five of them made their way to class after lunch, "We all know how frustrated Slughorn gets if someone hasn't and we wouldn't want anyone to get into trouble now."
"He's quite hypocritical really considering I gave him something to mark once and not only did he lose it, but he made me do it again," Remus remarked.
Exie raised an eyebrow, "Since when do you care about homework, James?"
Even from the side she could spot the glint in his eye, "What are you talking about? I'm a brilliant student, thank you very much. Always doing my homework to the best of my ability, dutifully jotting down everything Slughorn writes on the board - "
"Remus," Sirius nudged his friend, "You're really just going to let him steal your identity like that?"
"You can have my identity if you want, just take all the problems that come with it too if you wouldn't mind," He replied as they turned a corner into the classroom.
They were a bit late so filed in quickly. Exie exchanged a small smile with Lily across the classroom before resuming her usual position in class: cheek resting on her hand, ideal for naps.
Slughorn looked happy to see the Marauders despite their tardiness, cheerfully greeting them, "Quick quick now, everyone sit down! No, Mr Black, that is not your seat, I believe you're next to Miss De Loughrey, come on now!"
"Sorry, still used to the old seating plan," He obliged sulkily.
"But you weren't next to Mr Potter then either... never mind!" Slughorn peered over his glasses, "Is anyone missing? No? Lovely, we can get started then! Now I'm hoping everyone has completed the work I set, I will be checking if anyone thinks they can sneakily get away with it! But it is crucial to today's lesson as we're going to get all our ingredients ready for the Wit-Sharpening potion! Not that some of you need it, mind you!"
He chuckled to himself, a few students joining in out of sympathy. With that, he turned around, picking up the chalk on his desk.
"Alright, Wit-Sharpening potion..." He wrote before spinning around, chalk at the ready, "Who wants to tell me what we add first?"
His face fell as a few people began to snigger, so contagious it had quickly infected the whole room. Slughorn looked baffled, "What's so funny? Is my hat on right - "
"No, Professor," A sallow faced Slytherin sneered, "Look what you wrote on the board."
He spun around, crying out "Oh dear!" and correcting it quickly. Somehow he'd accidentally written one crucial letter wrong. Now rather than sharpen wits, his potion would have sharpened 'tits' instead.
His cheeks became red as the class continued to laugh but he played it off, "Sorry, my wit's not as sharp as it used to - "
"What about your tit, Sir?"
"Oh, I... let's just settle down, shall we?" He turned back, "Now the first thing we need to get is our Bulbadox juice..." He wrote it down as he spoke, only looking horrified as the chalk instead wrote 'Bulba-Dicks' on the board. The crowd laughed once more as Slughorn rubbed it off hastily. Trying again, the result was wrong once more, Bulbadox becoming Boob-adox, "Good heavens!"
The whole class had tears in their eyes now other than Lily, who was suffering from severe second hand embarrassment and Remus, who looked thoroughly scandalised by the whole thing. Whilst Exie did feel bad for the old man the corners of her mouth were turned up on their own.
"Professor," Everyone turned as one voice cut across the rest. James had raised his hand, the innocent smile on his lips contrasting to the gleam of mischief illuminating his hazel eyes, "I'm not sure what you meant by that but I'd like to remind you that we're underage! Seeing such rude things on the board can be very damaging for innocent flowers such as myself."
"But I didn't mean to write that!" He stammered, "I wouldn't write such rude things!"
"I don't mean to pry but has it perhaps been a while since you 'got any'?" Sirius asked completely poker faced. It was too much, Exie covering her mouth to stop the splutter of laughter than escaped, "Sometimes if it's been too long, that can really mess with a person's mind in ways we don't even expect. The subconscious is a mysterious thing."
"There's no shame, Professor, my suggestion is have a cold shower and - "
"CAN'T YOU IMBECILES SEE THAT THE CHALK IS OBVIOUSLY ENCHANTED!" Severus suddenly screeched. Tucked away in his corner, Exie hadn't even noticed he'd been there at all, not to mention simmering with fury this whole time.
"If it's enchanted then maybe you should try and write with it?" James suggested, raising one eyebrow. Unable to resist the challenge, Severus stormed up, snatching the chalk from the baffled Professor's hand, "The next ingredient is Blowfly wings."
Exie checked the book to discover that was actually incorrect: it was, in fact, Ginger root. But clearly fury had addled Severus's mind as he walked right into James's carefully laid trap.
"I don't need your help, Potter, I knew that," He snarled, turning to the board, carefully writing Blowfly wing. Exie could have predicted what it would change to, the class bursting into hysterics as the sight of BLOWJOB written in block capitals. Severus spun around triumphantly, "See?! I was right!"
It took seconds for him to realise that whilst he'd won the battle, he'd lost the war.
"Surely you just proved my point," Sirius coolly remarked, "Poor Snivs has gone so long without the touch of a woman - or man, no judgement - that the horniness has got to his head too. Maybe you should join the Professor in his cold shower and kill two birds with one stone if you know what I'm saying."
"What a brilliant suggestion, Sirius," James grinned, "I'd take it up if I were you. Of course, if the Professor doesn't want to lower his standards that far - because you would be punching, we can all see it - then I'm sure me and Sirius would be to happy to cover the cost for some hired help, this is a very serious issue. A man can die from lack of sex - "
"That's just not true!" Severus spluttered.
"You're living proof of that," Sirius sniggered.
"THAT IS ENOUGH!" Slughorn shouted, his face as red as Severus's now.
"The chalk was hexed, it's so obvious that they're behind this!" Severus stammered.
"Us?" James and Sirius said in time.
"How could you be so rude when we're just looking out for you, Snivy," James asked, in mock shock, "And you writing blowjob on the board was not proof, we already explained why that could happen - "
"Oh for god's sake," Remus suddenly stood up, looking beyond tired. They were getting punished either way now, he clearly wanted to put an end to it.
Everyone was silent now. Anotherperk of being tall was when Remus transitioned from standing to sitting, the difference was powerful. The room was in suspense as he strode to the board, wordlessly taking the chalk from Severus. After a few moments he turned around, the words 'Penis Poo-pin' on the board.
"I have excellent control over my mind considering I've been friends with James and Sirius since first year and haven't strangled them yet. Moreover, everyone knows I wouldn't write something that childish on the board by my own free will," He stated, tossing the chalk back to Professor Slughorn, "It's hexed."
James and Sirius made no effort to hide that they'd done it after that, the grins on their faces proof enough.
The plan had paid off. Making the most old fashioned, conservative teacher in school confront sex head on led to the telling off of the century. It took up the remainder of the lesson and was so loud, Exie wasn't sure how the boys weren't both deaf by the end of it. The pair came out with a month's detention each and honestly that was quite light given what they'd done.
To the outside world, they kept their smiled hidden but this was a triumph, celebrations occurring in the dorms that night.
"That went like a dream," James grinned, popping open some smuggled champagne, "Now the next stage of the plan can begin..."