~
Billie
~
"Okay let's run through all of that again," Kian, my choreographer says while wiping some of the sweat from his forehead.
"The whole thing?" I ask through pants, feeling almost completely out of breath. I lift my hand to wipe my forehead too and groan in protest when he nods. "I can't."
"Billie, your tour starts in less than a month," he says impatiently; as if I don't fucking know that already.
I can't dance the way I used to obviously, not with the amount of injuries I've endured, but my team put me through intense physical therapy on my "break" so I'd be fit enough to do some more rigorous choreography on my newest tour. It's been a challenge for sure, and there have been days where I've wanted to quit, but overall it has been really rewarding and I'm excited to show what I've been working on when I'm on tour.
I have mixed feelings about tour. I'm really excited for parts, dreading other parts, and confused another other parts. For example, I'm confused about how I feel about the fact Lexi is probably coming. It's not her in particular, it's just that when you spend a lot of time with people in small spaces where you can't get away from them, like tourbusses and hotel rooms, it often puts a strain on things. I say probably coming because she doesn't technically have a job on the tour team yet, but I'm pushing really hard for her to get one and, after all, it's my tour.
It's my tour.
"I need a break," I say firmly and walk off the stage before he can protest. I grab the water bottle from my duffle bag and sit down on the floor as I drink from it eagerly, shifting uncomfortably when I feel my hair sticking to my sweaty skin and my head spinning slightly.
After chugging some water down I grab my phone and check my messages, seeing some from Lexi first that make me smile.
Lexi: wtf the pap pics of us from friday are so hot maybe TMZ went off *image attached*
Lexi: like at least we look fire when they invade our privacy n shit
Lexi: ur fit that day 🔥🤤 i keep starin
I let out an amused puff of air and smile as I text back to tell her I'm on my break so she can call if she's on her break too, then go back to look at my other messages. My smile drops when I see the ones from Devon.
Dev: you really been dating that bitch trey was telling me about?
Dev: "scared of commitment" my ass you dragged me along for months just to bullshit me and go date someone else huh?
Dev: nah fuck staying friends
I feel guilty instantly, because this would be really bad from his perspective. We messed around casually for a long time and a few months in he asked to make things more serious, but I turned him down. He'd keep trying occasionally and I'd always shut him down by saying I just don't do commitment, it's not anything wrong with him. In fact I told him that not too long ago, but now here I am in an exclusive thing with Lexi.
Billie: dev i'm sorry i get how this looks but you have to understand how much history i have with her
Billie: like crazy history
Billie: ur a good guy n i really care about u ok? pls don't hate me
I sigh sadly to myself but then perk up when my phone buzzes in my hand and Lexi's name pops up on my screen. Her contact picture always makes me smile, because it's of her with Addy in her lap and shitty makeup all over her face.
"Hey, Lexi," I answer quickly.
"Hey, Princess." Instant smile. "How's rehearsal?"
"Exhausting," I whine and pout even though she can't see me. "I'm tired and my head hurts and Kian's an asshole and I wanna go to your apartment and eat food and relax and cuddle and have sex," I ramble and hear Lexi laugh, which makes me smile again.
"We can do all of that tonight. I'll cook you dinner," she says and my heart warms a little.
"How's your day going?" I ask and lean back against the wall beside my bag, thinking about how I already feel less stressed from just hearing her voice for a few seconds.
"Good! I'm not on break so I can't talk long I just wanted to say hi," she respond, and yet again I smile like a dumb dumb. "I produced something today that I, like, actually think might be some of my best work and all I can think about is how I can't wait to show you first."
"Haven't you shown it to Chris?"
"No it's not due until tomorrow and I wanted you to hear it first," she says excitedly and I smile even wider. "I gotta run to a meeting with Chris but I'll see you tonight, okay?"
"For sure," I reply and pout a little because I want to keep talking to her. "Love you."
"I love you too," she says then hangs up, and I toss my phone back into my back and grab my bottle of pain relievers instead.
I pop two for my headache and have another gulp of water then stand up, groaning when I'm hit with another wave of nausea.
"I gotta go," I announce then quickly rush out and run down the hall to the bathroom.
I burst in like a maniac and luckily no one is inside, so I rush into the disabled stall and kneel down in front of the toilet just in time to lose my breakfast.
Once it's all gone I groan and sit down on the floor, my back leaning against the wall. Luckily we're in a fancy as building that cleans the bathrooms constantly, otherwise this could be much grosser.
"Please don't tell me I'm right," I mumble and look down at my stomach anxiously.
The last couple of weeks I've been worried because my period is late, I have random nausea and vomiting, cramps, pretty much all the symptoms of...well you know what I'm hinting at.
The thing is, I want to take a test, but I don't really know how. I can't just walk into a store and buy one because if anyone recognizes me and takes a picture or something then I'm fucked and I don't want to go to the doctor to get an actual test because that sounds scary as fuck.
I let out a shaky breath then get up from the floor and walk out of the stall, where I quickly rinse my mouth in the sink before heading back to the studio.
I get home a few hours later and smile softly at Claudia when she looks up from her book, seated on the couch with Benny.
"Afternoon, sunshine," she says happily and pats the spot beside her. "How was choreography?"
"Shitty," I grumble and lean in to her, which prompts her to put down her book and start stroking my hair sweetly.
"Kian still overworking you?" she asks and I nod as my eyes close.
Anxious thoughts of my symptoms and Devon and Lexi and tour and all of that start to deep into my thoughts before eventually taking them over completely. I try to focus on the good things, but all I can think about is how the good things could be ruined.
"Bil, are you okay?" Claudia whispers after a while and I shake my head. "Because of Kian?"
"There's something else going on," I say quietly and bite my lip anxiously. "Something you have to promise you won't tell anyone about. Not even Finneas."
I pull back to look at her so she can see how serious I am, and she gives me a confused look. She tells Finneas everything, and I tell Finneas almost everything, so this is certainly an abnormal request for both of us.
"Not even Finneas?" she repeats and I nod. "You know you can tell me anything, Bil. I'll keep my mouth shut until you say otherwise."
I don't have a single shred of doubt in my mind that that's true, but I still have to take a deep breath and pause before letting myself say what I've been afraid to even think.
"I'm worried I'm pregnant," I say and her eyes widen for a second.
Oh fuck, saying it out loud made it feel so much more real and I hate it.
"Why?" she asks, keeping her composure.
"I mean my period is late and I feel sick in the mornings and I've been exhausted and dizzy and shit," I explain, getting more and more anxious as I lost all my symptoms. "Oh and somehow my tits seem a little bigger? Like, can they chill? They're already big they don't gotta do all of that."
Claudia clearly notices my anxiety building and puts her hand on top of mine. "Hey, whatever's happening things are gonna be okay in the end. Just tell me what I can do now."
"Well I wanna take a test but I'm scared if I go buy one or get one at a clinic or whatever someone might take a picture," I say and she nods in understanding.
"I can go now. What else do you need? Snacks? A hot pack? Can of beans?" she asks and I let out a laugh while shaking my head.
"I'm good, thanks Clauds."
She smiles sweetly and squeezes my hand before standing up from the couch. "I won't be long."
I sit on the couch overthinking every possibility that can come from this situation while I wait for her to get back. I come close to tearing my hair out as I contemplate how this could ruin my career or destroy my relationship ship with Lexi. Or both.
What if I really am pregnant? Would Lexi stay with me? What would my parents think? I know they'd still support me and all that, but would they be disappointed? How would I handle the media and backlash when it inevitably comes out? How would Devon react?
I know that if I am pregnant it's his, because he's the only person apart from Lexi that I've slept with in the past couples months, and as good as Lexi is with rubber dicks, she still can't knock me up.
He's a good guy, a little bit of a hot head, but a good guy at his core. I think if this was to turn out the way I hope it doesn't, he'd be supportive and help me figure out what to do next.
When Claudia comes home I sigh in relief because I needed to get out of my own head, and being alone was making that pretty impossible.
"Hey, bub," she says and I stand up anxiously. "Do you want to take it right away or..." I nod and she tosses me the box. "I'll be right out here, okay?"
I nod slightly and stand still for a moment before sighing and walking down the hall to the bathroom. I close the door then stare down at the box for a while before opening it with shaky hands and taking the test stick out.
I'll spare you the details of me pissing on a stick, but once I'm finished I set the test down on the counter and wait nervously. Two minutes feels like two hours, and I'm dying to know, but once the timer runs out the last thing I want to do is check the results.
"You okay?" Claudia's voice comes through the door and I sigh.
"Not really."
"You check it yet?"
"I can't."
"Can I come in?" When I don't say anything she opens the door slowly and pokes her head in, and when I nod she comes in all the way and closes the door behind her. "Do you want me to look for you?"
"No I'll do it in a second," I mumble and run my hands through my hair, trying not to pull it all out in the process because I'm so stressed. "I'm scared."
"I know, but no matter what it says you have a lot of options to navigate this and I will be with you every step of the way for whatever comes next," she says sincerely and I suddenly hug her tightly, almost knocking her over.
She rubs my back sweetly and hugs me just as tight until I pull away and let out a shaky breath. I grab the test off the sink and hesitate for a moment before looking down at it.
Positive.
"It's fucking positive," I whisper while feeling my eyes welling up with tears. I always talk about how much I love and want babies, I know, but this isn't how I wanted all of that to start.
Claudia pulls me into her again and strokes my hair while I start to cry in her arms, just murmuring soothing things until I start to calm down after a few minutes. From there, we go to her room to sit on the bed with Benny and talk out all my options. I text Devon to beg him to talk to me because I have important news, but I'm pretty sure he blocked my number the way he blocked my Instagram and Snapchat too.
After a couple of hours I realize I'm meant to go to Lexi's for dinner, so I clean up a bit so it doesn't look like I was just crying for three hours or whatever. On my way out to the car I throw the box and test away in the dumpster outside so Finneas won't see it then hop in my car and drive to Lexi's.
When she opens the door when I arrive, I'm pleasantly surprised by the smell of something delicious cooking, instead of the usual smell of weed. The entire walk up to her floor my stomach was twisting with dread, but now that I'm looking at her my dread has been replaced by oh-so-familiar butterflies.
"Hey," she says happily and pulls me in for a kiss that I return just as happily.
Seeing her banished most of my anxiety, and kissing her really kicked the rest in the butt. It won't last though, at some point I'll have to tell her and everything will come crashing down.
Just not yet.
I pull back after a bit and step inside properly so she can close the door. "It smells amazing in here."
"I'm making one of your favorites," she replies excitedly and I raise a curious brow as we walk into the kitchen. "Vegan mashed potatoes and gravy."
I gasp excitedly and look at the pots on the stove, my stomach instantly grumbling. "Oh my God, you're the best," I say excitedly and hop up onto the counter to watch her while she finishes up.
I want to help, but I saw that the table is already set and the food is mostly done, so I guess I'll just do cleanup.
"So tell me about your new song," I say and her look of concentration on the food in front of her instantly morphs into a grin, which is accompanied by a slight blush.
"Okay, well, I dug up this old song notebook I used in high school and most of it was cringe but some were decent and I found one I actually really liked and just fucked around with it in production and made something actually good," she says excitedly and I smile because I can hear the genuine passion for what she does in her voice.
"High school, huh? Is it about crushing on girls in plaid skirts and knee socks?" I tease and she chuckles.
"It's about you, actually," she says a quietly and the shy edge in her voice makes my heart flutter.
I'll never get over how the cocky, seemingly constantly confidant Alexis Ackerman gets shy around me.
"Well now I gotta hear it."
She smiles and steps back from the stove. "Just stir this while I'm gone," she says before waking down the hall to her room.
I hop off the counter so I can do as told, and a few moments later she emerges from her room with her laptop and a small speaker. She stands next to me and I keep stirring the gravy while watching her as she opens up her laptop and sifts through her seemingly endless folder of songs she's working on.
She clicks on one file, but before pressing play she turns to look at me. "I, uh, wrote the first lyric for this song about you after we first me," she admits and my heart warms. "Which is some cheesy shit."
"I'll be the judge," I tease and she chuckles before pressing play, and I watch as she bites her lip nervously as music starts to stream through the speakers.
I think I try too hard
How I look, what I do, what I'm saying
I spend too much time explaining myself
I hope there's some time to change it
I move along slightly to the beat, which I genuinely love and think Lexi has every right to be proud of, but also focus on the lyrics.
I know I'll fall in love with you, baby
And that's not what I wanna do
When the chorus comes in Lexi's eyes lock with mine and she nods slightly, confirming my suspicion that that's the lyric she wrote first.
I think I worry a lot
I need to take it easy
I got this anxious feeling
But it goes away for a minute
When I'm with you breathing
I sing along softly when the chorus comes in again, and the smile that takes over Lexi's face when I do makes me feel some type of way. When the song eventually ends I immediately wrap my arms around her and pull her close.
"I love you," I mumble and smile when I feel her arms wrap around my waist. "And I love that song and I'm so proud of you and everything you've created," my voice cracks slightly, and Lexi pulls back a bit so she can look at me with her eyebrows furrowed in concern.
"What's wrong, princess?" she asks and I shake my head slightly.
"Nothing, just emotional," I mumble but she still looks skeptical.
"Period?" she asks with a look of realization and I hesitate before nodding. "Oh baby, why didn't you just tell me? Go sit down, I'll bring you dinner when it's ready."
I stare up at her for a moment, feeling a
mix of absolute love and adoration, but also festering guilt. She's going to hate me so much when I tell her what I found out today.
"Billie?"
She snaps me out of my thoughts and I sigh. "Sorry, spaced out," I mumble and pull away. "I'll just lay down on the couch."
She nods and kisses the tip of my nose cutely before I pull away and walk into the living room, where I slump down on the couch with a groan.
My mind races a mile a minute as I think about everything. I linger on what she said a few weeks ago, when we got back together:
The last thing I'll do now is leave you again.
God, I really hope that's true.
A/N
not edited
lyrics are pulled from cry baby by the neighbourhood
hey it's ya boy uhhhhhhhh skinny penis
you allllll predicted it I was not so subtle with the hinting last chapter lmfaooooo
predictions?