When came to, I could hear shuffling and the sounds of Odeya getting dressed. I sighed and opened my eyes before shaking my head. "Take off my jacket."
She popped her head up and rolled her eyes. "But it's cold outside."
"Thanks Dean Martin, now drop it." With much resistance, she pulled off my leather jacket and tossed it onto the bed. I lifted myself from the bed and pulled on my sweats.
"This was fun."
"That makes one of us." I mumbled in response, grabbing my Vans. "Make sure no one sees you when you leave." She huffed before walking to the door and pulling it open. "Make sure you have all your shit too because I'm not bringing it to you." When I didn't get a response, I looked up and saw Odeya standing with crossed arms and a smirk... Alexa on the other side.
"Sorry.. everyones going for lunch but it looks like you might've already ate.." she muttered before turning around and walking out of view.
"Shit," I huffed and quickly pulled on a shirt, scrambling for my shoes before jogging out after grabbing my key and Odeya's arm. "I'm not stupid." I said when I saw her eyeing my jacket. I closed the door behind me and made sure it locked before running past Vanessa's 'friend' and making a beeline for the elevator. "Lex!" I called out but I saw her look up sadly just as the elevator door closed.
I let out a groan before pushing the stair case door open and running down eight flights of stairs to hopefully catch her at the door.
I didn't know why or understand it but I felt the need to explain myself. Explain why I slept with Odeya even though I didn't even know why I did. I just knew in the moment I wanted to get back at Vanessa but now that I think about it, that was completely idiotic.
I didn't even like Odeya. Matter of fact, I hated her. Alexa needed to know that, I needed her to know that.
Once I reached the bottom of the staircase that was for the lobby, I pushed the door open and ran the elevators. But instead of her coming out, people were walking in. I looked around the halls as my hands clenched and unclenched at my sides.
"Hey Y/nn." Justin said as he walked out of the elevator with a smile. "Wanna get some cof... what's wrong?" He asked when I rubbed down my face.
"Have you seen Alexa?" I asked, my eyes still scanning the area. "I think she came down but I don't.. I don't know."
"Uh I'm not sure. Haven't seen her since last night, why?"
I pulled out my phone and sent her a quick text, asking if we could talk. She read it but didn't respond. "Shit." I huffed.
"Hey sleepy head." I heard Vivian say but I couldn't focus on anything but getting Alexa. I needed to know where she was. "What's up with her?" I heard her ask Justin.
"Have you seen Alexa?" I questioned, finally raising my head when she still hasn't replied. "I really need to talk with her."
"Yeah, she was just in the food hall making coffee." I hopped at her words and slid my phone into my pocket as I rushed away from them. "Wait Y/n-"
"I gotta go!" I called over my shoulder. When I reached the food area, I saw the girl branding faded strands of blue and brown hair, leaned over the coffee counter. I let out a relieved breath before approaching her. "Alexa, listen-"
"Chamomile tea with a sprinkle of lemon and honey." She said simply before handing me the cup. "You're almost due for soundcheck and the meet and greet." I frowned at her professional demeanor as she grabbed her coffee and started walking away.
"Wait, Alexa." She stopped and I saw her shoulders straighten before she turned to face me. "Odeya was just... I don't even know, a mistake? I don't like her."
I watched as her eyes cloud with something I couldn't pin point but I knew there was hurt mixed in there. "Your love life isn't any of my business, Y/n." She said with a sigh before continuing her way out.
I watched with a frown, something in my chest stirring in a way I didn't like. I didn't like it one bit. No, I hated it. And I didn't know how to make it stop or to make it better. I just knew I didn't like the way Alexa was acting and I needed the old us back..
-
"What city are you most excited to visit?" A fan asked but I couldn't seem to comprehend most of the questions being asked.
My head was hurting and so was my heart. Alexa was cold the entire way here and didn't talk to me unless it was something to do with being my 'assistant'. Cold wasn't the right word, I'll go with professional. But I didn't want her to be my assistant, I wanted her to be m-
"How about you, Y/nn?" Vivian asked softly. "City you want to visit the most on tour?"
I slowly brought the mic to my mouth which seemed like much more work than it actually was. "Um, probably New York. I miss Johann." The crowd cooed and I forced a smile before lowering the mic back into my lap.
"You, red sweatshirt."
I brought my eyes over to the curtain where I saw Dana standing, Alexa besides her. I gave her a genuine smile but she looked away. Fuck dude. I looked down at my lap and sighed, picking at the rips on my jeans.
"I had a different question but I'd rather ask if you're feeling okay, Y/n. You look down and not as energetic as usual." I raised my head up and looked at the concerned fan who genuinely looked like she cared about my well being.
"Just one of those days." I said with a soft smile. "I'll get there, don't worry."
She nodded and gave me a supportive smile. "Just know we love you and care about you a lot."
"Thank you guys for your unconditional love. I feel it." I said before lowering the mic and turning to Vivian who was looking at me sympathetically, probably the only one other than Ellie who knew why I was actually feeling down.
"Sooo we've gotta wrap it up for soundcheck. I hope you all enjoy the show and have tons of fun. Thanks for coming out, guys." Ellie said and I slowly stood up with my water bottle.
I waved at the small crowd before walking around the backdrop. Alexa, which I got use to, turned and started walking ahead of us.
"I'm assuming something happened? I've never seen you or her that quiet." Dana said as she took the mic, leading us down the corridor to the stage.
"She saw Odeya leave my room this morning." Her eyes widened. "Yeah I feel so... stupid."
"Stupid for sleeping with her or stupid for getting caught?" I looked at her silently as she folded her hands together. "Y/n, do you like Alexa?"
I stared at the smooth black flooring. "I.. She makes me feel so free, you know?" She nodded softly. "I've never felt so at ease but when I'm with her... I don't worry about anything."
"Do you think about Vanessa?" She whispered.
I smiled and shook my head. "When we talk, I forget Vanessa exists." Her own smile grew as we stopped at the stage wings. "Does that mean I like her?"
"It's been a while since you've dealt with a crush huh?" She said with a soft laugh.
I shrugged as I crossed my arms. "I'm use to people wanting me and not having to make an effort to get them but... I want to make an effort for Alexa."
"Well," she breathed out a laugh and nodded. "You just answered your own question. Now I'll ask again, do you like Alexa?"
I looked up and saw the girl we were speaking about talking to a stage assistant. I could see the smile not reaching her eyes as she laughed at something he said. I didn't want to be the reason for her not being happy... "I do, I want her so bad." I breathed out, my eyes closing. "Ah fuck, my chest is doing that thing again and I don't like it."
"That's fear. You want her but with your past, you're scared to let it happen but Y/nn," I hummed. "Open your eyes." I opened them. "This is your chance to be happy, break free from that toxicity and finally enjoy a relationship. You have literally no past ties to Alexa which means there's nothing to be scared of."
I looked back at Lex and nodded. "I haven't dated someone new since.. well.. you. Even then you were our manager for a year." She smiled. "I forgot how to do this thing."
"First, tell her how you feel. Second, let it go from there. Don't plan anything just let it happen." I took in a deep breath and nodded. "Not now though because you have a sound check but definitely after."
"Right." I bit my bottom lip softly before looking back at Dana. "Thank you, D. I needed to hear all of that."
"I know, love." She pulled me in for a warm hug as she rubbed my back. "I want you to be happy, its been so long since you've been truly happy. Except for when you're with Rosie."
"Yeah.. I wish I could let the babysitter go and just take her with me everywhere but the loud noises aren't good for her little ears." Dana chuckled and pulled back.
"And she hates the head phones?" I nodded. "We'll figure something out for that little munchkin."
"Y/n, to the stage please. We need to test out the mechanics." Lionel said as he speed walked past us.
I sighed and looked back at Dana. "Guess I gotta go now." She gave me a sympathetic smile before nodding and I turned to walk towards the stage, Alexa now gone. But I would have this whole mess fixed by the end of tonight. I knew I had to.
-
"The energy is always amazing here, I love you guys so much." I said into the mic as I backed towards the side of the stage. "Thank you for two amazing nights LA." I blowed a kiss to the crowd before sliding behind the curtain with a smile. That smile quickly fell.
"You slept with Odeya? My best friend?" I looked around at the stage hands who stopped doing their work for a moment to look at us.
"Vanessa have some respect, not here-"
"Fuck you." She spat before spinning around and speed walking out.
I quickly took off my in ears and set the mic down before walking after her. "Fuck me?" I questioned, my anger meter tipping. "Excuse me, let's not play victim here Vanessa."
She spun around and glared daggers at me. "I'm not playing victim. You fucked my best friend, Y/n. That's low as fuck." I clenched my jaw as my hands shook at my sides. "And you pulled her into your room talking about some 'it's okay, it's just payback'-"
"Hold up, nah she was the one to say that. I just went along with it. You need to find some real friends." She rolled her eyes. "Oh you don't believe me?"
"Why should I?"
I chuckled bitterly as I threw my hands up. "Probably because you've known that bitch for a year and I have fucking kids with you??"
I saw movement from the corner of my eye and knew it was most likely my band mates but I kept getting more heated by the second and didn't give a shit.
"Y/nn.." Ellie said warningly but my eyes were on Vanessa who didn't seem to know when to shut up.
"I don't believe you because I can't see her doing that. I just can't believe you'd do that. My best friend?" I closed my eyes and let out a slow, shaky breath. "Who the fuck does that-"
"You know what?? Fuck you Vanessa!" I shouted, my meter now shattered and steaming with smoke. "You cheated on me with the same fucking guy I almost went to jail for! How am I fucked up!?" She shrunk back as I started forward angrily. "Then you got the goddamn audacity to bring that fucking red wood tree, no muscle having, broken condom named motherfucker to my concert with my kids and kiss him like I'm not fucking right there?!"
I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder but I was too far gone. I shoved them off as I punched the wall out of anger. "So no, not fuck me. Fuck you Vanessa, I'm only going to fucking stand you for my kids, other than that." I stared at her wide green eyes intensely so she could comprehend every word. "I want nothing to do with you. Ever again."
I backed away from her with a huff and spun around, pushing past everyone as I aggressively ran a hand through my hair. Huh, maybe I do need anger management.
When I got back to the hotel, I had calmed down from the walk and now just really wanted to be away from everyone. Everyone but one.
I ran up the stairs and locked myself into my room as I grabbed my acoustic guitar and clicked the notes on my phone. I never knew how to articulate my words perfectly, but I knew how to write. And I knew how to sing. That's all I needed.
-
I yawned as I read over the finished lyrics for the hundredth time. After countless writing and reading and numb fingers, I had the song memorized and down pact. Now, all I needed was to find her.
Looking at the time, I saw it was six in the damn morning. "Woah," I mumbled, thinking I only was cooped in here for an hour or two. I sniffed and stretched my back as I stood up, changing into a crisp black shirt and some gray sweats.
I moved over to my bed and smiled as Rosie slept soundlessly, the babysitter bringing her back a couple hours ago. I pushed her hair out of her face before pressing a kiss to her forehead. "You're the best thing to happen to me, Princess." I whispered and she turned her head into my shoulder with a soft hum. I smiled and rubbed her back just as my phone vibrated.
I reached over and grabbed it before laying besides Rosie.
Vivian🤡: finally done writing? I heard the guitar stop.
Me: Yeah, had to get it out
Vivian🤡: Was this a Vanessa song or..
Me: it's for Alexa actually.
Vivian🤡: Typing...
She kept typing and not typing before I heard the front door being knocked on. I stood up and slowly walked over to it, pulling the wooden door open. Vivian raised her phone, a soft smile on her lips. "Is it what I think it is?" I handed her my phone with the notes and she read through the lyrics before letting out a small 'yes'. "Finally."
"I know." I mumbled. "But now I gotta wait until the AM."
She slowly handed me my phone back. "Actually... I just came up from getting coffee and I saw her. She said she's heading up to the roof." My eyes widened. "Yeah, said she wanted to watch the sunrise."
"Oh Viv," I grabbed her cheeks and placed a fat kiss on her forehead. "You just made me so happy."
She simply chuckled and grabbed my guitar from the floor and handed to me. "Go get your girl sis."
I smiled and nodded. "Can you stay with Rosie?" She gave me a thumbs up as she slid into my room and I thanked her before holding the neck and running to the elevator. My heart was racing and my palms were sweaty but I couldn't help the overwhelming excitement bubbling up in my chest. I was going to do this. Was I really?
I watched the numbers that usually went like lightning now change in snail pace. Ah fuck I just wanted to do it already.
But what would I say? Should I just start it or say something. Or maybe I should.. actually, Dana said to just let it happen. No planning, no overthinking, just go with it.
I gulped when the doors opened at the highest level. "Twenty first floor." The wannabe Siri said.
Taking in a slow breath, I walked out and followed the corridor to the maintenance area where the door labeled 'roof access' was half cracked. How she got in was beyond me but I was happy she did.
I pushed the door open slowly and saw the dark sky slowly starting to light up with its orange and purple hues. Seems like the universe was conspiring with me today. After softly closing the door behind me, I walked further out and saw Alexa leaned against the waist high wall that over looked the city. A smile slow crossed my lips when I saw her wearing my jean jacket.
"You're not scared of falling?" I asked as I slowly approached her.
She looked over at me briefly with an empty look before gazing back at the city. "I'm terrified." She breathed out.
I could hear the undertone of her words and felt my nerves ease up a bit. She was scared of the same thing I was. Being hurt.
"Alexa," I whispered and she hummed, her eyes still on the view. I leaned the guitar against the vent before leaning besides her, my eyes on the ground below us. With the little light, I could see some cars driving in and out of the parking lot. All people with their own journeys and lives. "I've been with three woman in my life. My first love, the mother of my children, and my manager."
She nodded softly but still didn't look at me so I continued.
"All three times they were tied to me in some way and all three times didn't exactly work out and that scares the shit out of me because," I stopped myself as I looked up at the skyline. "I sometimes think love isn't for me. And I'm so tired of having my heart broken and battered... I don't want to cry anymore." I saw her look at me now as my voice cracked, the emotions starting to get the better of me.
I knew no more words would be able to come out so I walked over and grabbed the guitar. "I know how Disney Channel- high school musical this is so don't say shit." She cracked a smile as I wiped the lone tear that fell. "I think that it's only right that we met over music so I'll explain myself with music."
She nodded softly and turned her back as she leaned against the wall.
Clearing my throat, I pulled the pick out of my pocket before closing my eyes and starting to play the chords.
Then I started.
"Of all of the places and all of the spaces that I've ever seen and that I've ever been its true. I'd walk through a town I could only have dreamed but the beauty surrounding means nothing to me, it's you."
I reopened my eyes and watched her orbs soften, her shoulders relaxing slightly.
"Where you are is where I always want to be. Anywhere as long as you are there with me. I will take you to the places I have seen, take my heart and run along." I smiled softly as I kicked the acoustic up a bit. "Cause I'm running after you, I'm running after you. And I'll do what I can do, and I'll do it all for you."
A grin pulled at her lips when I looked up at the sky, my fingers pausing. "I can't remember the second verse but- Where you are is where I always want to be. Anywhere as long as you are there with me. I will take you to the places I have seen. Take my heart and run along 'cause I'm running after you."
I played the instrumental for a bit before lowering my eyes and slowing down the tempo as I sung in a near whisper. "I'll do what I can do and I'll do it all for you. All the things that we will see and all the things we'll know. Take my hand and walk with me, we'll never be alone."
Her brown orbs held mine as I sung the last part of the song and meant every word. "Cause I'm running after you, I'm running after you. And I'll do what I can do, I'll do it all for you, and I'll do it all for youuu." I held the last note before drawing out the last chords.
I watched as she played with her fingers for a moment, her eyes on her shoes. Oh God, that wasn't good. Hesitation no good, all bad.
Then she spoke, "That's a nice song. Is it your next single?" My mouth dropped open. "You should definitely have Nylah get some piano over it."
"I.." I dropped my head and let out a sigh with my eyes closed. "I was trying to.. to say.." I couldn't even get the words out.
I heard a soft giggle and looked up to see Alexa walking up to me, her eyes glowing. "I know," she whispered before slowly sliding her hands up my neck and landing on my face. "And about time." My eyebrows shot up but before I could say something, her lips were in mine.
My pulse skyrocketed out of my body and I instinctively pushed the guitar to my back before wrapping my arms around her waist. Our bodies molded together as we innocently kissed but this kiss lit up every cell in my body.
Nothing about it needed to be different or rushed, it was perfect as it was. Her hands then grabbed the front of my shirt as she pulled me closer. I exhaled out of my nose and tilted my head, one hand at the side of her neck while the other gripped her waist.
I didn't even need to use tongue to taste her sweet lips. Honey and hazelnut coffee. Her two favorite things; now my two favorite things.
I felt her slowly pull back as she took in a shaky breath. "Holy shit I just kissed you." She gasped out under her breath. I snorted at her showing fangirl side (that I lowkey loved) as she looked up at me. "Don't judge me, I've dreamt about this for years."
"Well," I mumbled, pushing a stray hair away from her face. "You don't need to dream anymore, do you?" I tilted her head up, whispering, "Will you be my girlfriend, Alexa?"
I swear she was about to combust from those five words. Or maybe it was just the one. "Yes." She said with a soft laugh. "Wow."
I smirked and gripped the front of the jean jacket as I pulled her towards me. "No more dreaming, come here." I said before holding her chin up and connecting our lips again, her quickly reciprocating.
And that's how we spent the rest of the early morning. Her having to say 'oh my God' every ten minutes and me kissing her to prove it was real.
And I wouldn't change a thing about it.
__
Everyone alright ? Got your breathing good? No bloody noses?