From the outside I looked normal. I got up in the morning and got myself dressed, I responded when spoken to, I smiled when someone made a joke. I did my job, and no one on stage and no one in the audience could tell that I was just barely functioning at all times. I would have thought it would be easier this time, now that I was such an expert at having my life obliterated by James Alan Hetfield, but clearly I was still a novice because I hurt. I hurt all the time. Not the agony of his first betrayal, I'd been blindsided then and young. But even older and wiser I couldn't avoid the pain, as familiar as it was. Those closest to me understood what I was going though and gave me all the space and support I needed. Even Lars and Kirk would come and check on me, though their sorrowful expressions were almost more than I could bare. And from James there was nothing. Which is what I'd asked for. Somehow though it just made the hurt that much more profound.
After New Orleans, the next handful of shows and travel were a blur, with one day bleeding into the next. By the time we arrived in Boston a day before we were set to perform, I knew I had to get out of the hotel and away from everything that reminded me of him. I'd always wanted to walk the Freedom Trail but was never in town long enough to do it, so I grabbed a map and informational pamphlet from the lobby of the hotel and set out to occupy my mind with something educational, and most of all, James free.
I was standing in front of the Old State House, the site of the Boston Massacre, when I heard a familiar voice behind me. "Hey sunshine."
Swinging around quickly, I found Kirk standing behind me with a huge smile on his face.
"Hey, what are you doin' here?" I smiled back, genuinely glad to see him as I gave him a warm hug. "I thought you guys had sound check today."
He shrugged off-handedly. "Later on. I figured I'd come check out some of the cool old shit." He saw my eyes dart around behind him. "The rest of the guys are doin' some press, I'm on my own," he assured me. I let out a breath at that and he cocked his head. "You wanna go grab a bite? I'm starving."
I had intended to spend the day alone and mope, but hanging with a friend seemed like a much better use of my time. Linking my arm through Kirk's, we wandered until we found a café that looked good. Ducking inside, since Kirk already attracted too much attention, we found a booth where he could sit with his back to the front door. After perusing the menu and giving our order to the waiter, we got caught up in conversation, mostly filling each other in on the six years we hadn't seen each other.
Kirk talked about the meteoric rise of the band and the hit it had taken to his marriage. I didn't even know he'd gotten married, but I listened with empathy as he talked about how hard it was to sustain a relationship while on the road. "It...it was hard to keep up with these two completely different worlds ya know?" Kirk shook his head sadly. "I'd be out there travelin' with all these temptations, but I didn't give in...at first. I was committed to her and our relationship, I wanted it to work, but it didn't matter to Becca. She always assumed I was fuckin' around on tour and we started spending more and more time fighting about it. I got wind that she was messin' around, so I figured, screw it, if she's fuckin' around when I'm not, then I might as well fuck around too. I know it was shitty reasoning, but the writing was on the wall ya know? It wasn't working for either of us and neither of us were that interested in fightin' to hold on."
Reaching out across the table, I squeezed his hand sympathetically. "I'm sorry Kirk. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you."
He shot me a wry smile. "Yeah well, I guess it's not that surprising. Just another relationship death-by-rock-'n-roll sob story." I managed to keep my face neutral, but my eyes darkened with pain and Kirk caught it before I could look away. "Aw shit Lei, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up bad—"
"No, no...it's ok. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around my baggage."
"I know, but...you've been through a lot...and I didn't mean to rub it in your face."
"I appreciate that." I smiled bleakly and then let out a long breath. "I guess we can both commiserate though. We shoulda known better but we got blindsided anyway by the oldest cliché ever. Fidelity doesn't exist...not in this business. You're either the one cheating or you're the one bein' cheated on. True love is a lie." My voice dropped to a whisper as pain filled my chest. "No matter how real it feels."
I expected Kirk to agree, but instead, his brow furrowed with confusion. "Whaddya talkin' about? Of course it exists...you and James are living proof of that."
My eyes widened at that claim. "James and me?! Are you kidding? We're the farthest thing from true love. I dunno if you noticed Kirk, but we aren't together anymore...we haven't been since the day I walked in on him fucking someone else."
His face blanched. "So that's what happened...James wouldn't talk about it. It's just...one day you were gone."
"Yeah well, you can see why this whole true love forever is just a bunch of bullshit. He didn't love me enough to be faithful....in fact, he never fuckin' loved me at all."
Kirk shook his head vehemently. "No...uh uh...you're wrong about that. I dunno why he made such a colossally stupid mistake, but I know for a fact he loved you." His gaze softened along with his voice. "I wouldn't bullshit about this."
"Maybe you just wanna believe it, but it doesn't mean he actually did."
"Oh come on Lei, give me some fuckin' credit here. I'm not seein' what I wanna see, I'm seein' what I know was absolutely the truth. He loved you and he was faithful. I saw it, we all saw it. Out on the road when we were drinkin' and partying, he never touched or even looked at other women, coulda cared less, even though every night they were waiting like vultures. He never lost sight of what mattered most to him." He smiled that beatific smile that made women swoon across the world. "You were his center, you were everything that made him truly happy and at peace. It was you...it was always you."
I didn't realize I'd been gripping my hands tight together, almost as if I was praying. Maybe part of me was. I stared hard at my hands as a variety of emotions washed over me. "Do....do you know how badly I want to believe that Kirk?" I murmured. "I've gone over this so many times, trying to make sense of the Jamie I'd grown up with, fallen in love with...and the guy who betrayed me and made me think that all the love and promises were nothing but lies. Thinking that he never loved me at all...it hurt...even more than the cheating. I wondered how I could have been so easily deceived. How could he pretend all that time?"
"He wasn't pretending Leila. I dunno why he let you believe different...but the only lie he told was the one about not loving you. He couldn't have fooled all of us...and what would have been the point? The only thing that makes any kind of sense is that he was intentionally hurting you...he was pushing you away on purpose."
I could feel my heart pounding hard against my chest. I wanted to believe, even if only to be at peace with some of my pain.
"I...I wondered that too sometimes, but then I'd get mad at myself for trying to let James off the hook."
This time, Kirk was the one to reach across to squeeze my hand. "Look, I can't speak for him and I don't wanna put theories in your head that may not be true, but I also can't let you keep thinkin' wrong about what you guys had. I can see how much it hurts you and you shouldn't hafta keep carrying that around. I may not be able to say a hundred percent why he fucked up and why he broke things off, I may not be able to tell you why he's marrying that total bitch, but I can tell you—without a fuckin' doubt in my head—that when you guys were together, what he felt for you, what you had, it was real. It was love." His eyes darkened then. "I shouldn't be telling you this cuz he's my brother and I don't wanna feel like I'm betraying his trust, but you need to hear this cuz I love you too." He took a breath before continuing. "When you split, James was really fucked up for a long time. He wouldn't talk to anyone about it, wouldn't tell us what happened with you two, he just internalized it like he does and almost drank himself to death on more than one occasion."
I sucked in my breath at that. "Oh god Kirk."
He nodded grimly. "He shut down...except for his music. I could hear it in the songs he wrote and I could see it in the way he performed; he was angrier than I'd ever seen him, like he was working out his demons, or maybe he was punishing himself for hurting you. Everyone talks about what a beast he is on stage, all that aggression and shit... but it's not about performance for him, it's about you. He was never the same Leila, losing you changed him."
Kirk sat back in his seat and I shifted my eyes to stare down at the table unseeingly as I tried to process everything he'd just told me. It was a lot to wrap my brain around, and I had to work hard to keep hope from overtaking reason. Kirk was firmly convinced that he'd loved me all along. Hell, Kelly and all my friends back at home had alluded to as much over the years. How could he have made me and everyone else believe it if he'd hadn't felt it? It seemed unlikely, but then that left the huge question of why he'd gone and fucked someone else. Maybe that had been the first time, but still, there was no explanation that made sense for betraying what we had. Had he pushed me away intentionally like Kirk had said? If so, why?
I was about to voice my questions out loud, when suddenly there was a movement at the end of our table as a group of teenage girls approached, giggling and blushing as they eyed Kirk with barely concealed excitement. I heard him mumble an expletive under his breath and I tried not to snicker at the pained expression on his face.
"Um....excuse me," the bravest of the girls spoke up, her cheeks bright pink. "Um...are you Kirk from Metallica?"
The guitarist shot me a look before plastering on a big smile as he turned to the teens. "I am Kirk from Metallica. Are you ladies fans?"
Like he even had to ask as they bobbed their heads enthusiastically.
"We're your biggest fans!" one of the girls piped up.
"Wow!" Kirk's smile widened, and I recognized the sincerity in it this time. "Well I tell ya, the band would be nothing without amazing fans like you guys. Really. We'd still be playing clubs you've never heard of—"
"And sleeping on air mattresses at your mom's place," I added teasingly.
Kirk laughed at that and the girls' attention shifted to me, curiosity written all over their faces as they looked me over. A few of them looked kind of dejected, and it occurred to me that they assumed Kirk and I were dating, which clearly did not make them happy. Kirk must have come to the same conclusion and I could see his eyes sparkle with amusement. "Did you guys know that Metallica's absolute very first fan ever was a teenage girl not much older than you?"
"Really?"
They all seemed impressed by that idea. "What happened to her, is she still a fan?"
Kirk looked to me then, his lips spread wide. "I dunno, why don't you ask her yourself?"
Their eyes bugged out as they realized Kirk was talking about me, and now I was the one with the red cheeks as they all stared wide-eyed in my direction.
"Are you really the band's first fan ever?" the leader asked, seemingly not quite convinced.
"Yeah, I guess I am."
"How do you even get to be a band's first ever fan?"
"Well," Kirk cut in, giving me a conspiratorial wink, "you have to have known them a really long time, long before anyone knew who they were...or cared. You have to have helped lug gear, cheered the loudest, listened to all the bad song ideas, and most of all...been a really good friend who helped keep our heads on straight. Leila was the best first fan that Metallica could have ever asked for."
"Aw shucks Kirk, you're making me blush." I laughed fondly. "By the way, I actually do have a certificate somewhere that Jamie made me..." I trailed off then as I remembered the official Metallica fan club certificate that James had made me years ago after I'd jokingly ask for one. He'd drawn it up himself, adding his own artistic flair, and the text of the fake document had had me rolling on the floor with laughter. It had been packed away with everything else from those early days, and that thought brought me back to reality with a hard jolt. Vaguely, I was aware that Kirk had changed the subject and was fielding questions, giving me a chance to pull myself together.
"So what's your favorite Metallica song?" he was asking the girls.
A chorus of voices shouted out "Sandman", with one dissenting vote for Master of Puppets.
"My favorite is Nothing Else Matters," one girl spoke up, who seemed shyer than the others. "It's so beautiful and James sings it so beautifully. I wonder who he wrote it about." She sighed then. "I wish somebody would write a song like that about me."
Kirk shot me a look and all I could do was give him a bleak smile. The girls didn't notice though as they chatted with us for a few more minutes and got a couple pictures and autographs before saying their goodbyes. The waiter came over immediately with the check and then we wandered out into the afternoon sun.
Kirk looked sideways at me as we walked, his forehead crinkled with concern. "I didn't mean to bring up so many memories. I imagine they're all pretty bittersweet."
I shrugged off-handedly. "They are...but they're also a big part of who I am, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life pretending like that part of my life never existed. Despite how things are now, I loved those early days. I need to make peace with it all somehow. I need to make with peace with Jamie...at least enough to move on."
"Is that what you plan on doing? Move on?"
He looked at me like he didn't really believe it. He wasn't the only one.
"He...he's moved on...I...I need to do the same." I took a steadying breath. "That was my plan originally after I found out that I'd be seeing him again. I planned to see him and keep it together long enough to talk it out and come to some kind of understanding of why he broke my heart. But then all it took was bein' near him again. It was like no time had passed, and there was a brief moment there where I thought maybe...maybe..."
I trailed off then, grief washing over me as I let my mind go to that place. The place where I imagined Jamie and me living a happily ever after together. I could feel it. I could taste it. It wasn't hard, I'd imagined it so often when we were together and I'd never really let it go even when we were apart.
I could feel Kirk looking at me intently and I flashed him a wan smile. "Thank you for saying what you did back there, about Jamie loving me. It means a lot to know he did, despite the stupid shit he's done...it matters. Maybe he just loved me the best he knew how...but it wasn't enough to keep us together. I hope he finds that happiness though. Even if"—I swallowed hard against the agony of that reality—"even if it's with Kristen. If she makes him happy, I wouldn't be a very good person if I wished for anything less."
Kirk stretched an arm around my shoulders and hugged me against his side as we kept walking.
We spent another hour wandering around the historical district, intentionally avoiding any more conversation about James and me. Eventually we parted ways as he had to head to the venue for their sound check and I headed back to the hotel for an intense work out, using the opportunity to vent some of the noise in my head.
The next day was the show and GNR was scheduled for a morning sound check. Since Axl never bothered to show, we zipped through pretty quickly before being shuttled back to the hotel for a few hours of down time. I lay on my bed restlessly staring at the ceiling. Kirk's words had haunted me constantly since the day before, but I was no closer to making sense of any of it. The only thing I did know for sure was that I needed to have a talk with James and air out everything while we still had the chance. In just a few more weeks, we'd be parting ways one last time.
A sudden sharp pain in my chest had me gasping out loud at the inevitability of our final good-bye. "Oh god Jamie..." I whimpered as I turned on my side and drew my knees up as if to ward off the pain. "You'd think I'd gotten used to saying goodbye but...but it still hurts so fuckin' much. I wonder if it'll ever not hurt....living without you."
Giving up on getting any rest, reluctantly I got up, got ready, and headed down to catch the first shuttle to the venue. When we arrived, the backstage was at its usual level of controlled chaos as the crew for all three bands and tour management personnel rushed around to get things ready. Already I could hear the Boston audience begin to fill the stadium out front, and the air was heavy with anticipation for the night ahead. Except for me, I was lost in my own head again and not paying attention to where I was going. As if fate were fucking with me on a whole other level, I crashed into someone. Before I even looked up into his face, I knew it was James.
"We've gotta stop meeting like this," he murmured quietly, even as his good hand shot out to steady me.
"I...I know," I stuttered, unable to look away. "I'm sorry—"
"No, heh...it wasn't yer fault Lei..."
"...I wasn't paying attention."
We said the words simultaneously and then stopped and looked at each other, our lips stretching into matching smiles and then widening into laughter. It was like a release valve had been opened and I laughed hard, collapsing against him as his arm slipped around me easily, his body shaking with amusement. We stood like that for a few minutes until our laughs slowly faded, and then we were just standing still, staring at each other. I watched the emotions pass over his face as he looked at me, and I could see plainly that Kirk had been right about James' feeling. I was wrong to think that he never cared; no matter the pain and anger I'd felt these past six years, no matter what he'd implied with words and without, despite his cheating, his fiancée, our time apart. There was a poignant familiarity being held in his embrace, and I found myself finally giving in to the power of belief.
"It was love wasn't it Jamie?" I whispered softly. "What you felt back then...it was love."
His face went slack in surprise, and then his arm tightened around me as his eyes darkened to almost black. He took a shaky breath before he answered. "The deepest I'd ever known." His voice was hoarse with emotion.
It was the truth, I could feel it. Strangely though, I didn't feel as relieved as I thought I would, instead, I nodded and smiled sadly, extricating myself from his embrace and stepping back. "But just not forever love right?"
I stared at him, waiting to hear his answer as I let tears run down my cheek unchecked. His face constricted with pain as he reached out a hand towards me. "It was—"
"Leila!"
It took a moment to register that someone was calling my name.
"Leila!"
"Great motherfuckin' timing," James growled low, scowling angrily as he looked around me. "Who the fuck..."
I turned to see who had interrupted us, and was stunned to see a familiar person jogging up with a huge grin on his handsome face. "Erik?"
By way of a greeting, he scooped me up into his arms and spun me around a couple times before putting me gently back on my feet and settling his hands on my waist. Ignoring the other man, he smiled down at me warmly. I could feel Jamie bristling a few feet away.
"Hi stranger." Erik's smile slipped then as he couldn't help but notice my tears. "Hey, you ok?"
He brushed gently at the tears on my cheeks, and I could really feel the anger coming off of James in waves now. But he wasn't allowed to be jealous, I had to remind myself, not when he'd just gone and gotten engaged to someone else.
"I'm ok," I murmured quietly, trying to smile despite the tears. "I...I mean we...we—"
"Leila and I were in the middle of something." James made his presence known as he stepped closer, glaring at Erik with open hostility. "Before you interrupted."
Erik didn't show a flicker of intimidation as he glared back. "Well, if whatever it was you were talking about was making her upset, then I'm happy to have interrupted."
Jamie's face darkened ominously. "What we were talkin' about is none of yer fuckin' business, it's between us. So why dontcha—"
"Stop, just stop." I could feel them both turn to look at me, and I took a moment before I spoke, trying to calm my nerves at having the two of them in the same place. "Jamie, please."
I looked at him then, beseeching him with my eyes to hold his temper. His jaw tensed as he tried to bite back whatever was on the tip of his tongue, but his eyes softened as he looked at me, and finally he sighed before holding out a begrudging hand. "I'm James."
Erik took the offered hand, though I could see that it pained him to do it. "I know who you are."
His words carried an underlying message, and by the way James stiffened, it wasn't lost on him.
"How do you know Leila?" Jamie gave up the pretense of being polite.
"She was my girlfriend."
The air instantly thickened with explosive energy, and I watched as a myriad of emotions passed over James' face as he processed the other man's words. Rarely was he ever this easy to read, and his wounded anger and pain were clear. I know I wasn't supposed to feel ashamed of being with someone else, but somehow I felt like I'd betrayed him, as really fucking ironic as that was.
He looked at me then, his eyes dark with hurt and jealousy. "And what brings you to Boston?" Jamie asked Erik the question, but his eyes never left my face.
"I was in the area, heard GNR was here too and thought I'd come see Leila."
I watched as James' eyes went cold. "Pretty convenient you bein' in town at the same time."
The innuendo was clear by his tone. James assumed that I'd known Erik was coming and that I wanted him there to pick things up again. I wanted to deny it right away but what would be the point? It didn't matter if Jamie was jealous, we didn't belong to each other anymore.
"I'm on the crew for the Chili Peppers and we have a show in town tomorrow night," Erik explained, eyeing me with compassion at my obvious distress. "It worked out great since I'm always on the road and it'd been too long since I'd seen Lei last...far too long." He paused for a moment, his jaw clenching with tension as he turned his attention to Jamie. "That's how we met you know?" He didn't wait for James to answer. "We were on the Aerosmith tour together a couple years ago, and she knocked me on my ass the first moment I saw her."
Even though Jamie refused to look at Erik while he spoke—or me for that matter—I knew he was listening as he stared at the ground fiercely, his good hand tightening and relaxing reflexively as Erik continued. "She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, and I could never imagine she'd ever give me a shot."
"Guess you were wrong," James muttered darkly.
I could hear pain in his voice and I wanted to be alone with him to ask him why.
"Yeah well, I was an idiot at first and put her on a pedestal, convinced myself I wasn't good enough." That caught James' attention and he glanced at Erik. "But then I saw the real woman underneath, the one who was smart and kind and funny...and in pain."
"Erik—" I began, but he cut me off.
"It's true though Lei, you were. That first night we talked in Germany—"
"Germany?" Jamie looked up at me sharply, his face tense. "Were you in...?"
I nodded. "Yeah...nearby."
"Shit!" I recognized the anxiety in his voice, but it quickly tempered, his eyes softening with concern as he looked at me. "That...that musta been really hard for you Leila...reliving that...just bein' there again."
Without you.
Even though neither of us had said the words out loud, they were ringing silently in the air between us. Erik was watching the exchange between James and me, his eyes unreadable as he spoke up again. "Not as hard as when we played the Cow Palace in San Francisco. That was worse."
I flinched at Erik's words, remembering how I had stood paralyzed at the dressing room door, bombarded with memories of James' betrayal. "You're right Erik," I whispered as I looked at Jamie, "that was worse."
Jamie's eyes darkened with a mix of anguish and shame as his body stiffened. We stared at each other then, the unanswered questions, the pain, the hurt, all of it an impenetrable wall between us still.
"I need to get ready for our set," James spoke up abruptly. "I should go."
Disappointment slashed through me. "Oh...ok," I whispered as I looked up at him.
He looked like he wanted to say something more, but instead he gave me one last piercing look before walking past me, ignoring the other man completely.
I didn't even realize I was shaking until I felt Erik's arms wrap around me comfortingly. I laid my head on his chest tiredly. "Same ole fuckin' drama," I whispered against him.
"I had a feeling."
I lifted my head to look up at his face. "Is that the real reason you're here, because you knew I was in the middle of a shit storm?"
He chuckled quietly and I realized how much I'd missed his calming presence. "Yeah well, I knew trouble was brewing when I saw that his tour was merging with yours. Then I saw the announcement of his engagement somewhere and I could only imagine how horrible it must be for you. I figured you could use a friend right about now."
My chest squeezed tight at his compassion. "Oh god Erik, I have no right to expect anything from you...but I'm so glad you're here right now." I pressed my face into his chest and his arms tightened as he held me. We stood like that for a long time until I felt composed again. Pulling back, I looked up at him and cocked my head to one side, my lips stretching into a wan smile. "So, are you gonna tell me why you said all those things to James? Were you tryin' to poke the bear?"
He shrugged offhandedly but I caught the faint flush of shame in his cheeks. "I hadn't planned on saying anything—honestly—but then I saw the hurt on your face and I knew he put it there, and I just wanted to take him down a peg. Or twenty."
I gave a humorless laugh. "I wish you'd been here a couple months ago, you woulda helped me keep my head on straight and saved myself a whole lotta trouble."
Erik raised an eyebrow sympathetically. "Come on"—he jerked his head for me to follow—"let's go find a spot to catch up and you can fill me in."
I was equal parts relieved and hesitant at his offer. "Erik, I can't ask you to do that, not with our own history."
"Lei, I wouldn't offer if I wasn't ok with it." He smiled kindly then. "We were friends first and we're friends now."
I looked at him in doubt and he reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me reluctantly behind him as we wove through the backstage and out to a quiet spot behind the venue. Hopping up on a couple equipment boxes, I sat cross-legged as I told him the whole story, leaving out the more intimate moments between Jamie and me.
Erik held his tongue until I was done and then let out a deep breath before speaking. "And so now you know that he loved you?"
I nodded slowly, my mind going over all the things that told me I was right to believe it. "I know he did. Back then, I was angry and confused, and thinking he didn't love me made it easier to understand why he could cheat. Of course, it also fucked me up really bad."
"I remember."
I heard the sadness and regret in his voice and reached over to squeeze his hand. "I'm sorry that you had to pay the price for all the fucked up shit between James and me. It wasn't fair."
"Yeah well, I told you I knew what I was getting into. I took the risk...I can't put it all on you and him."
We were quiet for a moment and I wondered if he was contemplating how different things could have turned out.
"Anyway, it doesn't really make a difference now"—I sighed wearily—"I'm moving on."
"You said that when I first met you. How is now different?"
I let out a long breath before answering. "I was so full of pain then that I couldn't see straight, couldn't think straight. I was a mess."
"And now?"
"I'm less of a mess?" I shot him a sheepish look and then we both laughed quietly.
"Well, that's something." He smiled at me, though I could detect sadness lurking in his eyes. Reaching out a hand, he laid it against my cheek, his face turning somber. "But you must realize by now Leila...you're still in love with him."
My body stiffened in shock. "Wh...what?"
He dropped his hand but held my gaze intently. "You're still in love with James. You've never not been in love with him."
"No, that's not possible." I shook my head emphatically. "Why would you say that?" I jumped up, my instinct to run was kicking in hard. "That's crazy, of course I'm not—"
Erik knew me well enough, reaching out to grab my arm before I could flee. "Leila, stop."
"No, what you're saying is crazy Erik! I don't love him, I haven't loved him in years! How could I after what he did, after the way he hurt me? I couldn't...I can't..."
Gently he tugged on my arm so that I was facing him. Catching me by the chin, he forced me to meet his gaze. "Leila, you've just gotten so used to pretending that you don't that you actually believe it. It makes sense though, you were protecting yourself, but now it's only hurting you to keep pretending."
"I'm not pretending! I can't believe you would say that to me, are you trying to hurt me too?"
"Of course not! I wouldn't do that to you, you know me better than that." Releasing his hold on me, he dragged a hand through his hair in aggravation and I felt shamed at attacking him unfairly. "Look, I knew it back when we were together. I knew it was more than just you not letting go of your first love. But I was too close to it all. I wanted you to love me so badly, I wanted to believe in your fantasy too that you were over him and that there was a future for us."
My shame deepened. "I'm sorry things didn't work out for us..." I murmured, but then my stubborn streak quickly resurfaced, "but...but I just wasn't ready to fall in love agai—"
"Leila, come on, just stop. Our relationship not working had nothing to do with you not being ready, it had everything to do with you already being in love with someone else."
"No!" I shook my head in denial and his jaw tightened with frustration.
"You loved him then and you love him now. You've got to stop running from it!"
"I'm not running from anything!" I was practically shouting now but I didn't care. Erik's words were like a buzzing in my ears and I wanted to shut them out; it took a moment for them to actually penetrate my brain.
Stop running.
That statement was so familiar and painfully poignant.
Jamie...stop running.
My own words came back to me with striking clarity, the parallels between that day almost ten years ago and this moment, forcing the air from my lungs. "Oh god..."
"Hey." I could feel Erik come closer. "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you like—"
I waved my hand to stop him. "D...don't," I forced out. "Don't apologize." I could feel him looking at me, but I was afraid to meet his gaze as my heart slammed painfully against my chest. "I'm such an idiot," I mumbled quietly.
"Leila..."
Erik's voice seemed to be coming from far away, though I could feel him standing next to me. Suddenly, the pain in my chest erupted into a choked cry that quickly turned to sobs. Erik pulled me against him, but I barely registered his presence.
I loved Jamie. I had never stopped. I would never stop.
Erik held me for a long time as I continued to cry. He was right about all of it. I had taken all the love that I'd felt for James, crammed it into a box, and stuffed it into the deepest part of my psyche. I hadn't wanted to love him, not when he already taken so much from me. I couldn't let him have that too, not after what he'd done. Maybe I had needed to pretend back then, maybe it was the only way to keep myself together. I'd always blamed the memories, the lies, the hurt, for not letting go, for not moving on, but it had always been more than that. I loved him then and I loved him now.
"You...you're right Erik." My sobs were quieter now. "I love...love him."
He stroked my head gently but didn't say anything. Finally, I lifted my head to look up at him and I could see the hurt on his face. Maybe he'd always known, but clearly it didn't make it any easier to hear it out loud. "I'm sorry."
He hushed me as he used a hand to wipe the tears from my face. "There's nothing to apologize for. I get it. The things we tell ourselves so that we can get up in the morning, so we can keep moving forward...I get it. I've lived it. I...I'm still living it."
"Erik—"
"No, Leila, it's ok. I'm ok. Well...I will be." Gently he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear as he smiled wanly.
"How...how can you love me after how I hurt you?"
"How can you love him?" he countered quietly. "Why do any of us do the shit we do even when it's not in our best interest?" He looked down at me penetratingly. "Because our hearts decide what we want—what we truly want—and reason and common sense go out the window in the face of that. All this time Leila you've been trying so hard to move on....but it didn't work did it?" I shook my head and he smiled kindly. "Of course it didn't, because you were spending all your energy denying what your heart wanted. You can't heal Leila when you don't know where the pain is coming from."
"Why didn't you tell me all this sooner, back when we were together?"
He looked down at his feet then, his cheeks flushing red. "I wasn't sure I was right...and I knew you'd probably deny it immediately. Plus, I didn't want to come off self-serving, and I didn't want you to think I was pushing some agenda just to get you to be with me. I wanted you to choose me, but not because you were still running from him."
It was so clear now that I had been running all this time. All that time pretending that it wasn't love that kept me bound to Jamie, it wasn't love that made me run right back into his arms.
Suddenly I was brought up short by reality. None of it mattered.
"Thank...thank you Erik." I gave him a feeble smile; it was the best I could muster. "Thank you for helping me see the truth. You're right, I need to be honest about my feelings. But...my feelings are my feelings only and he...he's in love with someone else. That's a fact I can't run from, no matter how much I want to." My voice began to shake with emotion. "There is no more Jamie and me...and there never will be again."
"So you're just gonna live with that the rest of your life? Loving him and not being with him?"
"I...I don't have a choice Erik. He might have loved me when we were kids, he may even still want me on some level...but he's hurt me too much...and he's getting married."
"And you're ok with that?"
"Of course not!" My voice cracked with pain. "It's killing me...but I'm not gonna fight it anymore. I'm not gonna keep waiting for our happy ending. It's not happening for us."
He opened his mouth to say something and then shut it. Instead, he stretched an arm around my shoulders and hugged me against his side. "I'm sorry that things turned out this way."
I wasn't sure if he meant between he and I or James and I. In the end, it all sucked.
"Yeah, well there it is. Nothing's gonna change it, so I guess I just need to let go." I turned sad eyes to Erik. "I'm so tired of letting go though, I just wanna be happy."
Laying my head on his shoulder, we sat in silence for a while as the distinctive sound of Metallica going full throttle reverberated around us. I closed my eyes and imagined Jamie performing, imagined all the times I saw him perform, laughed with him, talked with him, made love to him.
"I just wanna be happy," I repeated quietly, more for my benefit than Erik's.
~
Erik stuck around and watched the GNR performance, and afterwards, I invited him to the after party being held in Axl's suite at the waterfront hotel we were all staying at. I had no intention of reigniting our romance, I cared too much for him to string him along when I knew my feelings were never going to deepen. He seemed content though to be my friend and it felt good to hang out together again.
Arriving at the party, the place was packed with the usual mix of crew, band members, groupies, celebrities, etc. Though I saw Kirk, Jason, and Lars in attendance, there was no sign of James. Part of me was relieved. We needed to have our talk so that I could start the process of saying goodbye, but I was still trying to wrap my brain around our encounter earlier that day. Knowing now that he'd loved me once upon a time meant I had six years of conflicting assumptions to make sense of. Knowing that I still loved him meant that saying goodbye would be more painful than I was ready for.
An hour went by and the room was getting more and more packed and the noise and press of bodies were getting too much. Erik had meandered off twenty minutes earlier and I figured he'd found something or someone to occupy his time; I went looking for fresh air and quiet instead. Wandering through the maze of hallways that crisscrossed the massive suite, I found a darkened empty bedroom with what looked to be French doors leading out to a private balcony. Perfect. Walking closer, I caught the distinct sound of voices coming through the partially opened door, and realized the balcony was already occupied. Swearing to myself in frustration, I had just turned to leave when I recognized the voices. It was James and Erik and they were arguing.
"Let me guess, you were jerking her around yet again right?" I'd never heard such anger in Erik's voice before.
"I told ya earlier," James growled low, "that conversation was between Leila and me. Stay the fuck out of it!"
"Yeah, well you don't know me well enough to know that I can't just sit by while people I care about get hurt by selfish assholes." My eyes widened in alarm at Erik's provoking words.
I moved closer and could see James clenching his good fist, his face tense. "And so now yer gonna what, ride in and play the hero for her is that it?" James shook his head. "Shoulda known you showed up with some plan like that."
"My only plan was to come see Leila and catch up, but then I see her in tears..."
Erik's words hung in the air and I could see James look away and out into the night, his jaw clenched tight. It was quiet for a moment and I found myself leaning closer, as if I could somehow hear his thoughts.
Finally he spoke up, and he sounded sad to my ears. "I...I didn't want to hurt her again. I never wanted her to get hurt...because of me."
That statement was grossly at odds with everything that had happened between us. Apparently Erik thought so too. "Jesus man, how the fuck can you stand there and say that with everything you've done to her? I was gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that you actually give a shit about her, but then you say something like that and I wanna slam my fist in your face!"
James turned back to the other man, his face a mix of pain and anger. "You don't know a fuckin' thing about my feelings for Leila! You don't know everything I've done for her, to protect her. So fuck off with yer outrage!"
"Done for her?" Erik sputtered irately. "What the hell have you done for her other than break her heart over and over? The sooner she's away from you the better."
Jamie shook his head in disgust. "Yeah, that'd work out real nice for ya wouldn't it? Get me outta the way so you can move right on in."
Erik snorted derisively. "I'd be an idiot not to...if I thought I had even a remote chance."
I could see James give a humorless sneer. "You blew yer chance huh?"
"Blew my chance?" Erik's face darkened with fury. "Fuck you! I never stood a chance, no one will ever stand a chance, because—"
"Because yer not good enough for her!" Jamie interrupted angrily.
"Because she's still in love with you!"
Everything went silent, Erik's words reverberating like a gunshot in the night air. I didn't know how to react, my brain kind of shut down for a moment as I remained rooted to my hiding spot in the shadows.
"That...that's not possible."
It was Jamie's choked voice that pulled me from my stupor.
"Yeah, well..." Erik shrugged.
"No, no"—James was shaking his head emphatically—"it's...it's not possible. I cheated. I hurt her in the worse way, I walked away from everything we had. She...she just told me that she hated me..." James looked down for a moment and I could see the sorrow etched clearly on his face. "She...couldn't love me after all that."
Erik shook his head. "Leila doesn't hate you...even though she should." Jamie's head came up sharply at that and without realizing it, I moved closer to the French doors until I was standing flush against the glass. Erik was still speaking, but my gaze never wavered from Jamie's face. "You weren't there, you didn't see how hard she worked to put her life back together again after you blew it up. But no matter how separate your lives were, you were always there." Erik let out a breath. "I tried to get her to forget—she wanted to forget—but she couldn't, and it was so hard to watch her suffer."
James slowly ran a hand over his eyes, his words coming out hoarse with emotion. "I...I never wanted that for her. I thought...I thought she'd forget me and move on."
Erik's eyes bugged out with astonishment. "Christ, you were her best friend, didn't you know her at all?"
The pain on Jamie's face did me in,and finally I decided to make my presence known as I slipped through the doors and out onto the balcony.
"Leila." Erik, oddly, didn't seem surprised to see me as he acknowledged my entrance. "How much of that did you hear?"
"Enough." My gaze was locked with James though. "Could you give us a moment Erik?"
"Yeah, sure," he muttered. "You can come find me inside when you're done."
He left us alone and we stood staring at each other in silence.
Jamie spoke first. "Is it true, what he said...is it true? Are you still in love...in love with me?"
His voice cracked a little, but I barely noticed. Even though I was completely exposed, somehow I felt calm. Maybe it was numbness, it was hard to say, it just felt like the inevitable end to this reunion of ours. But here I was again with my heart laid open for James, why deny the truth? I wasn't leaving this situation unscathed, I wasn't leaving with my pride or my dignity, so what did it matter now? Hadn't I always led with my heart, no matter how much pain was sure to follow? At least I was consistent.
"Yes Jamie...I love you." My voice caught on the words, but I pushed through. "I've always loved you. I can't seem to stop."
"Leila—" He started to speak, but I held up my hand to stop him. I couldn't take his pity; I was sure that would send me off the deep end and I was barely holding on as it was.
"Don't," I implored him quietly. "Don't say anything...please. I know you must think I'm such a pathetic fool—"
"No Leila, never!" he interrupted vehemently.
I smiled weakly as I shrugged my shoulders in a futile attempt to keep a handle on my emotions. "I denied it for so long you know. I didn't want to believe that I could still have those feelings for you after all the shit that went down. But even when you turned to other women...I loved you. All the years after, when I swore to put you out of my mind and my heart...I loved you. And even now, when I let my guard down and let you back into my life, only to be reminded of what a mistake it is to love you...I still...love you. I will always love you it seems...so yes, I am a fool."
I had intended to hash everything out, ask him to explain why he had hurt me so badly, but now I wasn't sure it mattered anymore. I loved him, but that didn't change anything for us.
"I'm going to head out now," I murmured softly, "I'm not really in the mood for a party anymore." Without another word, I turned to go.
"Why?" His question stopped me cold, and I turned back to look at him. He was staring up at the sky, but I could hear him easily. "Why do you love me?" he asked again. "All this time and after everything I've done, why do you keep on loving me?"
I bit the bullet. "I don't know. I've loved you for so long...I guess I don't know how to not. From the very beginning we were connected, and even when we were apart, I could still feel you...all the time. I could hear your voice, I could feel you holding me. I guess...when I...when I gave you my heart all those years ago, I never intended to ask for it back. I told you...I was your girl forever."
James made some kind of choking sound, but his face was still turned away and I couldn't guess at his reaction to my words.
We stood there for a moment until he broke the quiet. "I...I never deserved you Leila." His voice was hoarse with emotion, but it was his words that held my attention.
I let out a sigh at his well-worn mantra, feeling like we were back at square one ten years ago. "Remember how you said that the first time you saw me Jamie, you thought I was an angel like your mom had told you about? Maybe I was your angel all along, but not cuz of the way I looked, but because I was there to look out for you. You let me in Jamie when you'd shut everyone else out. You accepted my friendship, my support, you trusted me. And you let me love you. All the things you thought were taken away...you always had from me. Did it ever occur to you that I was put in your life so that you would know love? That I was always meant for you and you for me?" I saw him shudder, but I pushed through. "You still seem determined to punish yourself for things that you're not responsible for."
He shook his head as turned to look at me. "Maybe that was true back then, but you don't know the life I've lived since. I've done some despicable things; I haven't been someone you'd be proud to know."
A small light bulb went off in my head. "So, you went about proving you were as unworthy as you always claimed to be."
His face darkened with shame. "Yeah, I guess maybe I did."
"So, are you done now?"
His eyes widened. "What?"
"Are you done now? Proving to yourself that you're not worthy of love? Are you done now?"
"It ain't as simple as that Leila."
"Isn't it though? You don't like who you are, then be better. You don't like the choices you made, then make different choices." I looked at the ground, tears beginning to fall down my cheeks as I forced myself to continue. "Anyway, I'm not...I'm not the one you have to prove yourself to anymore. You...you have someone else in your life who will help you now. That's what people do when they love each other." I wiped the tears from my face as I added softly, "No matter how much it hurts sometimes."
We both knew that I was talking about myself.
"You have everything you ever wanted." I could barely get out the bittersweet words. "Success...someone to share your life with. I...I want you to be h...happy." The tears were falling freely down my face now as I felt myself reach the limit of what I could endure. "Be happy. Let all the pain be worth something in the end. M...marry your girl, have beautiful babies, have the life you always d...deserved." I could feel myself begin to tremble and knew I was seconds from self-destructing. He hadn't said anything, but really, what else was there to say? I wanted one last kiss, one last hug, but I knew I'd never have the strength to turn and walk away if I got near him. Instead, I managed a shaky smile. "Goodbye Jamie."
I memorized his face one last time and walked back inside.
The party was out of control, but I was barely aware as I kept my head down, tears blurring my vision as I dodged around the revelers. I heard who I thought was Erik calling my name, but I couldn't stop, I needed to be as far away as possible before I fell apart.
Somehow I found my way out of the suite and to the nearest elevator. The doors opened and I stumbled in, not even bothering to select a floor as I wrapped arms around myself and leaned into the nearest corner.
"Aw Lei," came Erik's voice; I hadn't realized he'd followed me into the elevator. "I'm so sorry."
I guess he pushed the button because the doors closed and we started moving. He didn't make an attempt to hold me, for which I was grateful. I just wanted the earth to swallow me whole, I wanted to feel nothing. But I'd asked for this pain and now I had to suffer through it. I didn't deserve Erik's sympathy though. This was all on me.
Vaguely I was aware of the elevator coming to a stop and Erik nudging me gently along until I realized we were outside the hotel in a small garden. Thankfully it was empty. Finding a bench, I sat down wearily and drew my knees up to my chin and rested my forehead against them as I let the tears continue to fall.
"I'm sorry Lei...for opening my big mouth. I shouldn't have said anything about your feelings, it wasn't my place to t—"
"It doesn't matter," I interrupted, my voice muffled from where my face was buried against my legs. "Nothing fucking matters anymore."
"I just thought—"
Erik stopped talking abruptly, and I looked up at him.
"What did you think?"
"Nothing." He wouldn't look me in the eye. "Just a misjudgment on my part."
Understanding dawned. "What, did you think that James was in love with me still, is that it? You thought if he knew my feelings, that he'd fall at my feet and beg me to take him back."
"I...I'm sorry Lei." He sat down heavily next to me. "I was wrong."
I felt cold. "That's a fucking fairytale Erik."
"I know but—"
"No!" I didn't want to hear any more fantasies about James and me, that kind of thinking had already done enough damage. "He doesn't love me, he's with someone else. James and I are through."
"Leila—"
"We're through!"
He put his hands up in defeat. "Ok, ok I'll drop it."
I felt bad for taking out my frustrations on him, I knew he was only trying to help. "Erik, I really just want to be alone right now. Please."
I could feel him hesitate, but then he let out a breath and got up slowly. "For what it's worth, I really wanted things to work out for you and him. For your sake."
"I know." I looked up and gave him a small smile of gratitude. "You're an amazing man Erik. Someday you'll find the right woman, and she'll give you all the happiness and love that you deserve."
His lips twisted into a rueful smile. "I want the same for you."
All I could do was nod as tears filled my eyes again and I bowed my head back down. I felt him squeeze my shoulder and then I was alone.
I sat with my head resting against my knees for a long time, my body trembling as tears continued to fall despite my eyes squeezed shut. I was so lost in my own misery, it took a while to realize I wasn't alone anymore.
"Erik, I told you to go." I kept my head buried. "I don't wanna be around anyone, I don't need anyone right now."
"What if...what if I need you?"
The unmistakable deep timber of James' voice broke through my sorrow, and I lifted my head up to see him standing uncertainly in front of me.
"What...what are you doin' here Jamie?"
"I...I came to tell you"—he paused for a moment, shifting his weight nervously from one foot to the other—"I came to tell you that you were wrong...earlier...whatcha said. You were wrong."
"Wrong?" I wiped ineffectively at the tears on my cheeks. "About what?"
He took a tentative step closer, shoving his hands into his pockets as he looked down at me intently. "When you said I have everything I ever wanted. That's not true. It's not even close to bein' true."
"I don't know what you—"
"There's only one thing Lei that I've ever wanted," he interrupted, his voice rough, "the only thing I ever really wanted...was you."
I stared up at him as anger started to burn in my belly; I couldn't believe he was still trying to work this angle on me. "Why do you keep sayin' shit like that? You had me James!" My voice was thick with emotion. "You had me, I was yours...but I wasn't enough!"
"That's not true."
"No, you can't stand there and tell me I was the only thing you ever wanted when you destroyed it all in one horrible, awful moment." I could feel the anguish of that moment as if it were yesterday. "I remember how it felt to see you...and...and her." I didn't care that I was practically shouting. "If I made you so damn happy, if I was the only thing you ever wanted...then why...why did you fuck that woman?!"
"I didn't fuck her!" he cried out hoarsely.
I was so overcome with emotion, it took a moment for his words to penetrate. "Wh...what?"
He took another step forward and then sank to his knees in front of where I sat. Reaching out, gently he cupped my face in his hands and held my gaze fiercely. "I never fucked her Lei. I never fucked anyone while we were together. I never...ever...cheated on you baby."
I stared at him open mouth as my brain tried to make sense of what he was saying. "Oh my god Jamie, what did you do?"