"In approximately twenty seconds, Park Jimin will be late to work for the first time ever in his entire career," Jungkook announced, his eye on the clock. "Theories, anyone?"
"His alarm clock didn't go off," Hoseok suggested.
"You think all three of Jimin's alarm clocks didn't go off? You think the one on his phone and the ten others set each minute after didn't go off?" Jungkook pressed. "That's ridiculous, Sarge. Be reasonable."
"Oh, I know," Taehyung spoke up. "He got kidnapped in the middle of the night by a past lover and is currently cheating on Jungkook."
"See? That makes sense," Jungkook praised. "Not Sarge's ridiculous alarm clock theory."
"Maybe he lost his glasses and contacts again," Yoongi said. Everyone looked at Jimin's glasses hooked on his shirt and the contact box on his desk and remained silent. "Fucker can't keep track of them."
Jin rolled around in his chair. "I think he's secretly the Ant-Man and fights crime underground."
"That's impossible, Jin," Jungkook said. "Jimin's too pussy for that." He rubbed his hands together. "My bet is that he eloped with that furry bitch from Animal Crossing."
"Retsuko is supreme," Yoongi mumbled.
"Hey," Jungkook warned. "Isabelle and Retsuko are both queens. Don't pit two strong women against each other like that."
Jin looked up from the hentai playing on his computer. "Weebs."
"Alright, then maybe he choked on his oatmeal and died," Hoseok suggested.
Yoongi grimaced. "What the fuck is oatmeal?"
Namjoon walked up to them, confusion drawn on his features. "What in the world is going on here?"
"We're guessing why Jimin's late to work," Taehyung explained.
"He ran into Peppa Pig," Namjoon said calmly.
Hoseok did a double-take. "What?"
"That's my guess," Namjoon said. "He ran into Peppa Pig."
"Makes more sense than Sarge's first guess," Jungkook noted.
"Sorry, I'm late!" Jimin exclaimed, running into the precinct. "But you will not believe who I just arrested," he gushed, dragging along a man in a Peppa Pig costume.
"Gottem," Namjoon said.
━━━━━━━━
"Sarge, is something wrong? You look worried," Taehyung said. "Is it because you look like Lord Farquaad?"
"I just can't tell what the Captain's thinking sometimes," Hoseok said with a soft groan.
━━━━━━━━
"Captain!" Hoseok greeted cheerfully. "How's your day been?"
Namjoon stopped to meet Hoseok's eyes, his expression completely blank. "I crashed my car when I was pulling out of my driveway and the rear is completely destroyed. It was a Tesla and I got it last week. I'm utterly devastated," he said in a monotonous tone.
Hoseok's smile faded. "Wow."
━━━━━━━━
"Wait, you think I look like Lord Farquaad?" Hoseok asked, hurt.
"Nah, you look like Shalisa," Taehyung said.
"Who the fuck is that?"
"You, bitch."
━━━━━━━━
"So..." Jungkook looked at the man in the Peppa pig costume who was sitting in a chair by Jimin's desk. "What're you doing here?"
"I stabbed someone."
"Oh. Follow my Spotify."
Jimin slapped Jungkook over the head. "Stop promoting your handle to my perps, you cocksucker."
"We all know who the cocksucker here is," Jungkook said with a cocky grin.
"It's you," Peppa answered.
"H-huh?" Jungkook spluttered and looked at Peppa. "You have no idea who I am, fool. I go to the gym."
"Jungkook, you shit-head," Yoongi spoke up. "I saw you at the gym. All you do is hide in the bathroom and cry like the pathetic human you are."
"Shut up, nerd," Jungkook fired back. "You have a better chance of tapping Peppa than Sarge."
Peppa turned around to see Hoseok at his desk. "I'd tap him, actually."
"Hey," Yoongi warned. "The only thing you're going to be tapping is your head against the prison bars."
━━━━━━━━
"He keeps calling Jungkook his son?" Taehyung asked. "I mean, we've been knew."
"That's kinky," Jin said, gritting his teeth. "Only I can be kinky with the Captain."
Hoseok held a fist to his mouth. "Sometimes I wonder if he actually thinks Jungkook is his son."
━━━━━━━━
Jungkook was in the break room, practicing the whip while his coffee was being made. Hoseok had walked in to get a cup of yogurt when he saw Jungkook flailing his arms awkwardly.
Hoseok cringed. "The fuck are you doing?"
"Whip." Jungkook whipped his arm out in front of him and then waved it over his head. "Nae nae."
Namjoon walked in while Jungkook was whipping and going "hi-yah!" The Captain, however, didn't react like anything was out of the ordinary.
"Good job, son," Namjoon praised. "Your whips are getting better."
"Thanks, Dad."
━━━━━━━━
"My spoon is in the garbage disposal because I was so traumatized," Hoseok finished.
"Sarge," Taehyung sympathized. "You've been through a lot."
Jin cackled. "That's why he sees a therapist," he said with a laugh. Then, Jin froze when Hoseok buried his face in his hands. "Shit. Would it help if I said sorry?"
Hoseok sighed. "It might."
"I'm sorry."
"It didn't."
━━━━━━━━
"Alright, Peppa, it looks like you're going to be in prison for a very long time," Jimin said.
"My name isn't Peppa."
"Shut up, Peppa," Jungkook spat. "Just tell us why you stabbed your doctor."
"He told me I have Lyme's disease like bitch, I like lemons," Peppa said. "I don't even like limes."
Jungkook and Jimin stared at him, wondering if he was stupid.
"Dumb bitch," Yoongi said.
"Talking about how I only have two weeks to live." Peppa tutted. "Whatever bro."
Jimin's jaw dropped. "Bitch, you're dying from Lyme's disease?" he asked as Jungkook tried not to laugh.
"Weak bitch," Yoongi said.
━━━━━━━━
"Is Sarge really going to ask the Captain if Jungkook is his son or not?" Taehyung asked.
"I think his final straw was when Captain said he's going to church with Jungkook and Jungkook said 'let's get this bread,'" Jin said.
"Look, he's asking!" Taehyung whispered, pointing at Hoseok and the Captain while Jin held up his phone to record.
"Captain," Hoseok said. "I wanted to know if you actually think Jungkook is your son."
"That's an odd question," Namjoon said calmly. "I clearly can't adopt Officer Jeon. Yet."
"Then why do you treat him like your son?" Hoseok asked, exasperated.
Namjoon chuckled. "My father ignored me a lot as a child like Jungkook's father did. That's why he's still a child at heart," he explained. "I'm glad you're concerned for your team, Sarge." He patted his back and walked off.
Hoseok, with a horrified look on his face, turned to Taehyung and Jin. "I'm Boo Boo the Fool."
Jin rewatched what he recorded. "I'm gonna post this on social media and tell everyone that Jungkook has daddy issues."
"Jungkook's gonna kill you," Taehyung said.
"It doesn't hurt when you die. It hurts for the people around you," Jin pointed out. "It's just like your stupidity. It doesn't hurt you, just the people around you."
━━━━━━━━
Jungkook glared at Peppa, who was grinning at him. "Oh shut up. You're going to prison right after your hospital trip."
"Bruh, what rhymes with orange?" Yoongi asked out of nowhere. "I'm writing a poem for Sarge."
"Peppa, what rhymes with orange?" Jungkook asked, having no answer himself.
"No, it doesn't."
"What?"
"The word 'what' does not rhyme with the word 'orange,'" Peppa argued.
Jungkook squinted. "What are you even saying?"
"You said 'what' rhymes with 'orange' and they don't rhyme—"
"This is why no one fucking likes you, Peppa!"
━━━━━━━━
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I'm sorry if I offended any readers with the flashback part with Jungkook and Namjoon. I wasn't aware that there was controversy surrounding that so I apologize. I only added it in because of the vine, but again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone 💗
Ya'll my body is completely gone. I hiked 16 miles with my friends yesterday and we are completely dead. Also somehow I got away with not coming home for ten hours without contacting my parents, but I still took a mega L
I was following my friend's feet on the way back because 1) I was dead and 2) my ankle was bleeding LMAO. This bitch slipped on a rock and my dumbass stepped on the same rock and I fell on my side and bruised my entire thigh and hurt my other foot riproni. So the seven mile hike back was not fun.
And when I got home, my parents went "we're going shopping, loser" I WANTED TO DIE. And the worst part was when I got in the car and the radio went "when your legs don't work like they used to before."
So yeah, major bruh moment. Do ya'll got survival stories? Share your pain.
━━━━━━━━
EXTRA: YOONGI'S POEM
"Sarge, this is for you," Yoongi said, handing Hoseok a piece of paper.
"Huh?" Hoseok asked, hoping it wasn't paperwork he had to do. He unfolded the paper and read aloud, "Roses are red, you are my light. Please let me ride your dick all night."
"Do you like it?" Yoongi asked.
"Honestly, yeah."