Flashback: Two years ago
I sit on the ground with my legs crossed, picking at the grass and rubbing it between my fingers. I look up at her headstone, a small sigh escaping my lips.
"I don't know what to do." I mutter.
I uncross my legs and bring them to my chest, resting my chin on my knees. My eyes scan her name, and the epitaph engraved on the stone.
Vanessa Collins
1975 - 2015
A Mother's love, like an imperishable sun, cannot go out.
I smile as I read the engraving, like I have done for the umpteenth time. Even though she's not here physically, I still feel her love. I still feel her with me in spirit, in my heart.
"Mom, it's times like these when I really wish I could hear your voice. I can't talk to dad about this. He'd flip." I sigh frustratingly.
"Ryan keeps... asking. For, you know. For us to take things to the next level. And I don't know if I'm ready yet." I begin, whispering softly.
"I'm worried if I keep saying no, he'll get bored and leave. So I'm stuck, I don't know what to do." I say, concern in my tone.
"What if this is the only opportunity I get to do it? What if nobody else will want me?" I continue, pouring my inner thoughts out.
I sit there in silence for a few seconds, mulling it over in my head. I stare at her headstone and I make up my mind. I pull my phone out of my pocket and bring Ryan's name up in my phone, writing out a text.
Willow: Are you parents still out of town tonight?
My heart pounds in anxiety, and a nervous lump forms in my throat, my stomach flipping. I jolt when I see the three dots pop up, waiting for his reply.
Ryan: Yeah, you wanna come over?
I swallow hard, my thumbs trembling as they hover over the keyboard. My face burns hot and my breathing picks up.
Willow: Yeah
I let out a breath and lock my phone, dropping it into my lap. I look back at my mom's headstone, and I purse my lips, knitting my brows.
"I'll see you next week." I whisper, resting my hand on top of the cold stone, letting it linger there for a couple seconds, before standing up and walking back towards my house.
I walk inside, closing the door behind me and immediately make a B-line for my bedroom.
"Where are you going?" I hear my dad yell from the living room.
I stop dead in my tracks, one foot on the first step of the stairs. I sigh and turn around, walking into the living room.
"Hey, dad." I mumble, smiling.
"Where are you off to in such a rush?" He asks, his eyes focused on the iPad he's holding.
"Nowhere." I chuckle nervously.
He drops the iPad onto his lap and turns his head to look at me, a suspicious expression on his face. I stand in the middle of the room, nervously intertwining my fingers together, my eyes darting around, unsure of where to look.
"Spit it out." He sighs.
I drop my shoulders and relax my tense body, letting out a sigh also.
"Ryan asked me to meet him. That's all." I lie, hoping it'll get him off my back.
"Oh..." He trails off, clearing his throat awkwardly.
"Alright. Just make sure you're home before 9pm." He says, lifting the iPad back up from his lap, and turning his head towards the screen.
"As always." I chirp, and turn back around, racing upstairs into my room.
I stare at myself in my floor length mirror, observing every detail, making sure I look perfect. I grab my phone and tuck it into my pocket, and walk out of my room, making my way down the stairs.
"Bye, dad!" I yell, quickly opening the door and walking out of the house.
I'm a rack of nerves on the bus. How do I even instigate it? How do I please him? It'll be my first time doing anything sexual, and I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing. What if he doesn't like it? What if I'm not good at it?
My brain is full of negative thoughts and questions, anxious at how this night is going to turn out.
I get off the bus and walk down the street, stopping in front of his house. I stare at it for a few seconds, attempting to sooth my racing heart and heavy breathing. I let out a breath and walk up to the door, pressing my fingertip against the doorbell shakily.
The door swings open, and I'm met with a wide, happy smile. His dark brown hair is styled up, and his green eyes sparkle as they meet mine.
"Hey!" He exclaims, leaning forward and planting a kiss on my cheek. He grabs my hand and drags me inside, closing the door behind him.
"Hey..." I mumble, nervously chuckling.
He leads me into the living room and sits me down. He holds his finger up, indicating for me to wait here.
"One second." He says, quickly dashing out of my sight.
I twiddle my thumbs and grip on the hem of my skirt nervously, and he returns after a couple minutes holding a large bottle of vodka. I knit my brows and look at him confused.
He flops down on the couch beside me, cracking it open and pouring it straight into two small glasses. He picks one up and passes it to me, and grabs the other, raising it and bringing it to his lips.
I stare at the glass in my hand, then at him, sniffing it. I scrunch my face up in disgust, and he notices, a small laugh escaping his lips.
"Just drink it, Willow." He says, taking another gulp of his own drink.
I don't say anything, and slowly wrap my lips around the edge of the glass, tilting it and immediately feeling the sting on my lips. A small bit goes in my mouth and I cough, the taste bitter and revolting.
"How can you drink this?" I exclaim, scrunching my face.
"It'll take the edge off, babe. Just pretend it's water." He edges me, pressing his fingers on the bottom of my glass and tilting it up to my lips, forcing me to take another sip.
The second sip isn't as bad, but it still tastes vile. I decide to man up and just down the rest of it in one go, choking afterwards and slamming the glass down onto the table.
He laughs and pours more in the glass, passing it back to me. I shake my head and look at him pleadingly, but he raises an eyebrow and smirks, insisting I take it.
I sigh and grab the glass, tilting it back into my mouth, swallowing it in one gulp. It burns as it rushes down my chest and stomach, and my throat stings, the awful, lingering after taste still on my tongue.
He finishes the rest of his drink and grabs mine from my hand, placing them both down on the table. He inches closer to me on the couch, and rests his hand on my thigh, pressing his lips against my ear.
"You look really beautiful." He whispers, and I gulp loudly, the blood rushing to my face.
He pulls away slightly, and leans in closer to my face, and his lips attach to mine. He kisses me slowly, and I hesitate, but eventually return the kiss, closing my eyes. His hand trails further up my leg, and under my skirt.
My heart is beating at a million a second at this point. His other hand snakes around my waist and pulls me closer to him, his hand on my thigh spreading my legs.
"Mm- wait." I mumble, pulling away from the kiss. He looks back at me with furrowed brows, his lips swollen and wet.
"What is it?" He asks, his voice deep and thick with arousal.
"I- I don't know if we sho-" I stutter, and he cuts me off, suddenly cupping his hand over my clothed pussy. I gasp and stare back at him, my mouth agape and eyes wide.
"Baby, it's fine." He coos, pressing his lips against mine once again. He pushes me down to lay on the couch, and hovers above me, his hips grinding against mine.
I feel something hard pressing into me, and my brain registers what it is. I shoot my eyes open during the kiss and I look down, noticing one of his hands undoing the button his his jeans. He tucks his hand inside the waistband of his underwear and begins to stroke himself, his heavy breaths exiting in my mouth.
He pulls his hardening length out and rests it on top of my pelvis, rubbing it along the hem of my underwear. He pulls my skirt up above my waist, quiet whimpers escaping his throat.
He feathers kisses along my jaw and neck, his hot breath hitting my skin. He grabs my hand roughly and forces it on his cock, and guides my hand to pump him slowly.
"Just like that." He breathes, nibbling on the skin of my neck.
He unwraps his fingers from my hand, and I begin to stroke him on my own, his groans increasing as I speed up the pace. Judging by his response, I'm assuming I'm doing it right.
I feel his fingers glide up and down my clothed slit, and my body tingles. I let out a breath and squeeze harder on his cock, earning a loud groan from him. He pushes my underwear to one side and applies light pressure to my clit, and I let out a low moan accidentally.
He smirks against my skin, and begins to ride his hips in my hand, pressing harder against my nerve.
He glides his finger down my folds and stops at my entrance, circling my hole lightly before slowly pushing a single finger inside. I tense my legs and curl my toes, the strange, new feeling occupying my nerves.
"Mmm - you're so wet." He hums, sucking on the skin of my collarbone.
I swallow hard and grip tightly on his arm, feeling his muscles flex as he begins to pump his finger in and out of me. I feel him leaking in my hand, and his cock throbbing as I continue to stroke him.
He lets out a breath and pulls his finger out of me, sitting up on his knees and pulling the shirt off his head. I look down and notice his erection out of the top of his pants, twitching and dripping pre cum from the tip.
He leans back down and pulls my underwear off in one go, and attaches his lips back against mine. I feel him press the tip against my entrance, and pushes himself inside of me slowly. I wasn't prepared, and a sharp pain shoots through my lower abdomen.
I throw my head back, tearing away from his lips and squeeze my eyes shut, my body tensing and my hips bucking from the sting. He kisses my throat and begins to thrust sloppily.
"Fuck, you're tight." He groans deeply against my throat, his heavy body laying on top of mine, his hips thrusting into me at a quick pace.
"Wait-" I gasp, wincing in pain.
"Slow down." I plead breathlessly.
He pulls away from my throat and looks up, halting his thrusts and pulling out of me. I let out a breath of relief, panting.
"Did I hurt you?" He asks, his tone laced with concern.
I nod my head with my eyes closed, and he lets out a sigh. He presses a soft kiss to my lips and caresses my hair, leaning his forehead against mine.
"I'm sorry." He whispers. He pulls away and I open my eyes. We both look down and notice the blood on his length. He looks back up at me in shock, his mouth agape.
"You were a virgin?" He exclaims in shock.
I nod my head and cover my face with my hands in embarrassment, closing my legs.
He leans down and removes my hands, looking back at me with sympathy.
"Why didn't you just tell me? I would have been gentle." He says, his voice low.
"I'm sorry, I was embarrassed." I mumble, avoiding his eyes.
"Baby..." He coos. He leans forward and kisses me gently. His lips parting mine, he slowly introduces his tongue into my mouth, and he tilts his head, deepening the kiss.
"Do you want to stop?" He asks, whispering against my lips. He pulls away and stares at me, and I shake my head. A smile creeps on his face and he rests his hand on my knee, opening my legs for him again.
"I'll be gentle." He promises, and attaches his lips back onto the skin of my neck.
That night was the night I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend. He kept his promise to be gentle, and it actually wasn't too bad. I still felt the pain, but I felt the pleasure too. It wasn't what I was expecting, and I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.
Ryan and I dated for 4 months after that, and I'd got a lot of practice in. He was my first in everything. My first kiss, first time, first blow job. Everything I learnt, I learnt from him.
I hadn't been with anybody after him, not until now anyway.
Jin is different in many ways to Ryan. Not just personality, but sexually. The way he makes sure I get off, as well as him is something Ryan never did. When Ryan and I had sex, it'd always be about him, and not me. So I never experienced orgasms during sex before Jin.
Ryan eventually ended up cheating on me, which ended our relationship. I've had pretty bad trust issues since then, which I guess is a reason of why I haven't fully allowed myself to open up to Jin. I'm worried he'll find someone better than me.
I don't want to fall deeper for him. I don't want to develop feelings, because the relationship we have isn't exactly what you'd call normal. It's taboo and frowned upon. How many teacher student relationships end in happy endings?
None.
So I can't hold any expectations for us, as much as I want to.