I sat on my bed, staring at the sweater in my hands.
A sweater that was my mother's.
I sniffled, taking in the scent of it once more, feeling the unwanted tears stream down my cheeks.
"Mom-" I weakly cried out, hugging the sweater as tight as I could, my eyes screaming shut as I felt the hot tears spill out of my eyes easily.
I cough, my bedroom door opening, revealing Clary, whom wasn't looking the best either.
She closed the door, walking over to me, sitting with me on the bed, wrapping her arms around me.
"I miss my mom too- a lot." Clary quietly said, sniffling, pulling me into her chest.
"I should've went to Idris with her." I sniffle, "If I would've said yes, we would've left on the spot."
"If you think this is your fault, it isn't." Clary stares at her hands, then a thought crosses her mind, "Zee- Simon was dead."
I looked at her, "Yeah? He was?"
"Simon was dead, but then he came back." Clary looked at me, "What if we could get my mom and Margaret back?"
I blink, caught off guard, "That doesn't sound like a good idea-"
"Okay, but in this insane world we suddenly live in, things that I never thought could happen do happen, so maybe there is a way." Clary reasoned, "Maybe we can get them back."
"Clary, I-" I inhale sharply, "I know how much you loved her- I loved my mom too. But- I mean, we might have to accept the fact that they're both gone."
"No." Clary shook her head, "I am not ready to accept this."
-
Magnus opened the doors, leading into his apartment, "Absolutely not."
I slowly trail behind Clary as she followed him, "Is it possible? Magnus, tell me, can it be done? Yes or no?"
Magnus sighs, "Sure, there are warlocks who've done this sort of thing. But what you're talking about is dark, dark magic. It's wildly unpredictable."
"Have you ever done it before?" Clary questioned.
"No." Magnus stopped and looked at me, "And don't encourage this."
"I'm not-" I defensively burst out, tears present in my eyes, "She dragged me with."
"Biscuit, I'm sorry." Magnus sighed, placing a hand on my shoulder in comfort, then looks between Clary and I, "I know how important they were to you."
"Magnus-" I quietly spoke up, my stare glued to the ground, "If you were in our situation, would you-"
"I wouldn't bring her back." Magnus cuts me off, shaking his head, "I wouldn't."
"I don't understand." Clary said, expecting an explanation.
"I was nine years old when my mother realized what my cat eyes meant. She couldn't live with the fact that she bore the son of a demon." Magnus sighed, "So she took her life."
Then he gestures toward something, "With this very keris."
"Magnus-" I looked up, "I'm so sorry.0
"I'm sorry-" Clary also apologized, "I didn't know."
"It was a long time ago." Magnus dismisses it, "And over time, it- it got easier. Never easy, but easier."
"Listen-" Magnus inhales sharply, "Margaret and Jocelyn were wonderful. They wanted to protect you both at all costs. So much so that they had me remove your memories. Since we can't get those back-"
Magnus closed his eyes for a second and used his magic, two copies of the same picture appearing between his fingertips, "Take one of mine."
He slowly hands them to us, my eyes scanning the picture. It was a younger version of both Clary and I, with Jocelyn and my mother. At an ice skating rink.
I stare at the photo, "When was this?"
"The day I met you two." Magnus softly smiled, looking at Clary, "The first thing I notice is that you both share the same laugh."
Magnus then looks at me, "And how you have your mother's eyes."
I close my eyes, holding back the tears in them.
"Losing your mom, it's not something you make better with magic." Magnus gently told us, "You just head straight into it and cry your eyes out."
-
I stood over my mother's dead body, as she peacefully laid on the surface, the white sheet covering her.
I had revealed her face, just so I could look at it again.
Tears were burning in my eyes as they slipped down my cheek, a small sob leaving my lips.
I took a deep breath, swallowing hard, as if I was swallowing all my feelings.
I quickly dried my tears, sniffling.
For some reason, I was telling myself to deal with it.
"Hey-" Jace's soft voice filled my ears from behind me, "You okay?"
"Yeah-" I sniffle, not bothering to turn around, tilting my head down, trying to calm myself down further, not wanting to reveal that I had been crying, "I mean, I'd be a lot better if people quit speaking in quiet voices and telling me it's okay to grieve, but-"
"Fair enough." Jace quietly said, his footsteps approaching me as he stood on the other side of my mother, taking a look at my face, "You wanna talk?"
"I should've learned that emotions cloud your judgment earlier than I did." I look up at him, "This would've been easier."
"Zee, I spent my whole life fighting my emotions." Jace sighs, "Look where it landed me."
"You just lost your mom, too." A frown falls onto my lips, "What do you feel?"
"I don't know." Jace admits, "I thought I'd be able to get to know her. And she'd get more time to know me as more than just an experiment gone wrong."
"You're so much more than just an experiment, Jace." My voice came out as a whisper, as I broke eye contact and looked down.
"I-" Jace sighs deeply, "I just figured we'd get more time."
-
Clary had found a warlock. A warlock who claimed capable of being my mother and Jocelyn back.
I didn't like the idea. I didn't trust it.
I trusted Magnus. And if he said this wasn't a good idea, I didn't think it was either.
But, Clary was relentless.
She kept trying, even through all the denies.
I understood why this hurt her more.
I hadn't been with my mother for two years. She always had been with Jocelyn.
I just wanted an excuse. I wanted an excuse to make Clary be more the victim than me.
So I could do this without feeling like I was doing something wrong.
The small scissors in my hands sliced a small part of my mother's hair off, the small strand resting between my fingers as I did the same with Jocelyn.
I held them both separate, staring at them.
Clary had asked me to cut some of their hair, to give to her. So this warlock could bring our mother's back.
But now that I've done it, it all just felt wrong.
My heart stopped when I heard Jace's voice behind me, "What are you doing?"
I face him, "Nothing."
I began to walk past him, but he stopped me, "Hey- what is that for?"
He noticed the hair and scissors in my hand.
I swallow hard, "Clary asked me to bring this to her. She went to see a warlock."
Jace's expression dropped, "Please, please tell me you're not thinking about doing what I think you are-"
"It wasn't my idea." I confess quietly, "She thinks she can bring them back."
Jace shook his head, "You can't, Zee."
"I don't know what to tell you, Jace." I stare at him, tearing up, "Clary keeps putting the idea in my mind- that maybe, there could be a possibility that this warlock can bring them both back. But- then it feels wrong and-"
"But, Zee- you never know what you're gonna get back." Jace cuts me off, taking a step closer, "There are always risks."
"Like what, Jace?" I stare at him, a small tear slipping my eye because I believed him, but Clary needed this chance, "Please, convince me that this is wrong and I shouldn't listen to Clary."
"You could very well conjure a demon in Jocelyn's or Margaret's form." Jace mentioned, crossing his arms, his eyes scanning my face.
"You said could." I step back, looking down, "She could also come back the same, right? I mean, that's a possibility?"
"Look, I know you want her back." Jace exhales, "But you have to trust me, Zee. You don't bring people back from the dead."
I looked up at him once more, a red tint in my eyes as tears slipped. Jace wasted no time to wrap his arms around me and pull me into his chest, holding me.
-
There's a light knock on my bedroom door, causing me to shuffle around quickly, wiping my eyes and toss my mother's sweater into my closet before anyone saw.
Alec walked in, staring at the ground, "Hey."
"Hey-" My voice cracks unintentionally, causing me to clear my throat, looking up at him, giving him my best smile even if he wasn't looking, "You're back."
Alec closed the door behind him and meet my eyes, "Look, I, uh-"
"You don't even need to say it." My smile faded, but I kept myself together, "I'm okay- it's okay."
"No, you're not." Alec's eyes scan my features, "You've been crying."
"Allergies-" I lie, "It's nothing."
Alec stares at me, his expression hard on his face, not buying it for a second.
Who was I even kidding?
"Zee, I am so sorry." Alec sincerely said, "I would do anything, I mean anything, to take back those 30 seconds. To get your mom back."
I looked down, crossing my arms, "There's a way to get her back."
Alec blinks, "What?"
"Clary found a warlock who claims she can do it." I mentioned, "But there are risks- and both Magnus and Jace told me it wasn't a good idea."
"I'll go with you." Alec stops me, staring at me.
"Alec-" I stare at him, "I was hoping you'd say it was a bad idea-"
"Zee, if there's any chance that we can get your mother back, we have to take it." Alec stepped closer, "No matter what happens, I'll be there."
My voice came out as a whisper, "Okay."
-
"Are you here to see Dr. Rouse?" The woman asked us when she answered the door.
"Yes." Clary confirmed, "Um- I think she's expecting me. My name's Clary."
"I was indeed expecting you." The woman came behind, looking between us all, "I only wondered when."
"And I see you brought guests." She introduced herself, "Iris Rouse."
I barely nod, as she seemed to be eyeing me over and over.
She glanced at Alec, "Your boyfriend?"
"No-" I blurt out in unison with Alec, "No way-"
"Well, whatever you are, leave your weapon outside."
She told him, Alec's expression now revealing slight shock, "Any warlock worth a damn can see through Shadowhunter glamour with ease."
"Oh, don't worry." Iris assures, "It'll be safe in the alcove."
Alec sighs when we walk inside, setting down his bow and quiver.
Iris faces Clary, "Sorry, did you bring your mother's-"
"Uh, her hair, yes." Clary nods, "Turns out, there's another person you'll be bringing back after all. I brought her hair too."
"Perfect." Iris' gaze shifted towards me, as she points down at me, "Nurse Leigh will help you with the paperwork."
"Huh?" Confusion fell over me, my eyebrows furrowing, "Me?"
"I thought- I was the one doing it." Clary cuts in, also confused, not aware that Iris would drag me into this.
Iris eyes me like before, "I changed my mind."
The look that she gave us screamed that she was the one in power.
Clary shot me a pleading look, as I stammer, "I- okay? I think-"
I felt guilty if I didn't say yes.
"Uh, paperwork?" Alec interjects, stood y'all beside me, his hands behind his back.
My hand gently lifts, as I moved it behind his back also, grabbing one of his hands in seek of comfort; fear growing in my chest.
Alec intertwines our fingers, giving my hand a small squeeze.
"Yeah, just a simple pin prick to draw blood for the oath." Iris nods, "For the favor we talked about."
"Well, I- I don't know about any favor." Alec was confused, wanting to get the answers.
"Oh, that was the deal we made." Iris went in depth, "I do what she needs, and she simply owes me a favor."
"A favor? That's it?" I question.
Iris nods in confirmation, "That's it."
"Okay-" I reluctantly gave in.
"Delightful." Iris waves for Clary and I to follow her, "Follow me."
Iris then looks at me, "Your friend can wait here for you in the waiting room."
My expression drops and the fear in my chest was now off the charts, "What?"
Alec shook his head and stood by me, "No, I'm not leaving her side."
"Oh, then I can't do this." Iris looked between Clary and I, "His energy is too turbulent. I need calm, and he is not calm."
"Okay, I'm gonna need to see some credentials." Alec said to her, suspicious, "Show me your warlock mark."
Iris sneered, "Dear, if a lady has concealed her mark, assume it's for good reason."
"Alec, it's okay." Clary assures, "It's gonna be fine."
I'll admit, I didn't want to leave Alec's side.
I wasn't the best Shadowhunter, and having him by me gave me the reassurance that everything would be okay.
But, I oblige and let go of Alec's hand.
Alec was already shooting me a look, as I swallow my fear, nodding towards him, "I'll be fine."
Iris gestures for us to follow her, as Alec sat down in a chair, Clary and I following Iris up to the room that this would happen in.
-
I had refused to go first. I stood a few feet away from them, my arms crossed.
Iris had served us tea, and I only had taken a few sips to not be rude, while Clary, didn't touch hers.
I wanted to see if this would actually work. If it did, then I would allow Iris to do the same with my mother.
I was still cautious and very hesitant about the whole thing.
But Clary was intent on bringing her mother back.
"Place your mother's lock of hair on the table, please." Iris instructed, standing on the other side of the table.
Clary did what she was told, as Iris spoke again, "Now, I need you to focus as intensely as you can on a cherished memory of your mother. Can you do that?"
Clary nods, "Yeah."
"That will help repel any demons that dare come near her soul." Iris informs, Clary closing her eyes and doing what she asked, "There you go, Clary."
"Good girl-" Iris began to use her magic, "Now, let the process begin."
As Iris spoke out her spells, there was a tapping on the window.
My head snapped towards the sound, noticing a crow, pecking and cawing, hitting itself against the window, trying to get through.
"Oh, my God-" Clary snapped out of it, "That bird!"
"Focus on your mother, Clary." Iris doesn't react to the bird, continuing her magic and spells.
The glass shatters when the bird breaks through, the crow cawing, flying around the room, then circling around Iris.
Iris barely moves, as she grabs the crow and snaps its neck, simply placing it onto the table.
Clary's eyes were wide, as she snatched the hair from the table, stopping Iris, "No, stop!"
Iris sighs, "Just because one bird came back badly doesn't mean-"
"Well, I'm not willing to take the chance." Clary got up, "I'm sorry I wasted your time."
"You didn't waste my time." Iris scoffs, pointing at me, "You still owe me a favor."
"The deal's off-" I stare at her, "You didn't go through with your end of the bargain."
"No, it's not-" Iris denied, "You took a blood oath."
"Fine-" I roll my eyes, gently urging Clary towards the door, as she moved, opening it, "Call me when you need me."
Iris used her magic, slamming the door shut when Clary walked out, expecting me to be right behind her but Iris didn't let that happen, "I need you now."
I face her, "For what?"
"You are going to host one of my finest creations." Iris' mouth turned up into a smile.
"Host?" I repeat her, "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about having a baby, Zee." Iris stepped closer, a pleased smile on her lips, "A baby warlock."
"What?" My eyes were wide, as I instantly turn to make a run for the door, but I was trapped in something I couldn't see.
My hands thud against what was holding me, "Let me out!"
Iris stepped closer to me, going more in depth, "Warlocks are a dying breed, and I need young women like you, healthy and fertile, that my own private demon can impregnate."
"Impregnate?" I repeat, scoffing, "Why didn't you mention that before?"
"I'm sure your friend wouldn't have let you accept the deal if he heard about the favor." Iris' eyebrow raises, "You're truly stunning, I'm sure I'll be pleased with this infant."
The fear that was once in my chest, was now surfacing again, "That's why you didn't want Alec to come with us. You knew he'd stop you-"
"Oh, I wish there was another way to do it." Iris implies to the pregnancy, "I do. But now, with Valentine threatening to wipe us all out, we need to build our numbers."
"I'm a Shadowhunter." I reminded her, "A demon can't get me-"
"Pregnant?" Iris finishes my sentence, "I think I finally discovered an elixir that makes it possible."
Realization filled my mind, "You spiked the tea."
"Imagine a baby warlock, part demon, part Shadowhunter." She thought out loud, "Now, that would be something. Definitely harder to drive into extinction."
"Let me out!" I repeat, trying my best to break free.
"The good news is, after the baby's born, I'll do a memory wipe." Iris told me, "You'll be back home, none the wiser."
-
My eyes slowly open, my vision blurry. There was a pain in my back as I was laying on a hard, cold floor, alone in a room that was not like the other one I was just in.
It seemed like a place of imprisonment.
I didn't even remember passing out.
I blink a few times, getting used to my surroundings as I sat up, recalling everything that had happened.
I jolt up, heading right for the door, trying to open it, but of course, it was locked.
"Clary?" I screamed, kicking the door, in hopes that someone would hear me, "Alec?"
But it was no use, my screams were silenced.
I ran, jumping up the large steps and to the windows that had bars on them, trying to find some way out.
I heard something creak, my head turning, noticing a small opening in the wall.
A demon growl filled my ears, as the demon slowly revealed itself, the opening in the wall shutting abruptly.
I began to shudder, wanting to stay up by the window, but I was slipping down the wall.
I stepped down, face to face with the demon, fear being my only present emotion.
I only had my stele, and I didn't know any other runes other than the ones on my body.
The demon inched towards me, as I looked around for any type of resources to use against it.
I grab the chain that hung above me, moving it in a gesture of a whip, the demon jumping back.
"Stay back!" I raise my voice, doing it once more, noticing how it was working.
But then the demon grabbed the other end, and started pulling me towards it.
I let go of the chain instantly, backing up into the wall, letting out a shaky breath when the demon breathed rapidly, moving closer to me, whatever looked like wings popping out of it's back.
This was when something glowed before me.
It was a rune.
I was confused, but it was the only thing I had.
I pulled out my stele, and drew the rune on my hand, pushing myself back into the wall as much as I could, my arm hugging myself as I faced my palm towards the demon, sunlight shining at it.
I heard footsteps approaching, my eyes screwed shut at the bright light, as the demon was killed into nothingness.
I hesitated before I opened my eyes, the demon now gone, and Jace was stood a few feet away for me, "What the hell was that?"
"I-" I was shocked and still shaking when I slowly made my way over to him, "I don't know-"
"Hey-" Jace noticed how I was shaking, pulling me into his chest, "It's all right-"
I tighten my grip around him, blinking a few times, "I- I saw this vision of a rune, and I had no other options so- I drew it."
"You just shot sunlight out of your hand." Jace pulled away and grabbed my hand, "I knew you had a strong skill set, but that was amazing."
I stare at him, "Really?"
"Yeah-" Jace's fingertips ran over the palm of my hand, "Where's the rune?"
"I don't know-" I admit, looking at my palm, "It's gone-"
Jace looked at me, "Look, whatever just happened, let's keep this to ourselves."
I open my mouth to say something, but Alec had ran in, "There you are-"
Clary and Isabelle was right behind him, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah-" I stammer, "I'm- okay."
-
It was the funeral.
The funeral of all the losses the day that demon got into the Institute.
I wasn't ready for this.
But, it had to be done.
I slowly entered the room I had been in twice, where there were rose petals on the white sheets our dead loved ones were under.
Everyone wore white.
I was in white.
The white dress I decided to wear was simple, and held meaning behind it.
Which made this hurt even more.
This dress was the only white dress I had, and it was one that my mother had gotten me. Before I lost her the first time.
Tears were welling in my eyes for the hundredth time as I made my way over to Jace.
"Jace-" My voice came out as a whisper, when I came to a stop in front of him, noticing Clary stood by Alec and Isabelle, "I can't do this."
I noticed Alec's eyes scanning my face, something flashing in his eyes.
He still felt guilty.
"Yes, you can." Jace turns so he is at my side, and grabs my hand, "Just don't let go of me."
"Those remaining will take their place with the fallen." Aldertree called out, stood tall in front of all of us.
Jace gently pulled me along, as he took his spot next to Clary, by Jocelyn.
I let go of his hand, walking over to my rightful spot. Next to my mother, who was between Jace and I.
But, I stood alone.
Tears were burning in my eyes as I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Aldertree continued, "Those remaining will say the names of the fallen."
Brother Enoch was first, "Brother Micah."
Everyone in front of us said in unison, "Pulvis et umbra sumus."
Brother Isaac was best, "Brother Jeremiah."
"For we are dust and shadows." They continued.
"Jocelyn-" Clary swallows, a tear slipping her eye, but she couldn't go on.
"Jocelyn Fairchild." Jace spoke out, looking down.
"Ave atque vale." Everyone said, and then I felt everyone's eyes glued to me.
I took a deep breath, looking up, the tears in my eyes falling down my cheeks.
I couldn't breathe and I was slightly lightheaded.
"Mar-" My voice was quiet and had cracked, as I paused, letting out a breath.
My eyes connected with Alec's as I had caught him crying also.
He felt so guilty.
And it made my heart break even more.
I swallow hard, raising my voice a little louder, as my tone was trembling, "Margaret Young."
"Hail and farewell." Was the end, as everyone went silent.
I covered my mouth, screwing my eyes shut, a silent sob leaving my lips as hot tears streamed down my cheeks.
I felt an arm around me, and I knew it was Jace.
I knew by his scent.
Jace lead me back down by Alec and Isabelle, Clary stood on Jace's other side.
We all watched as the ritual was coming to an end, as what I think are the souls of the fallen slowly twirling into the air and higher.
My hand grabs Alec's, as I squeezed it in mine, a whisper leaving my lips, my eyes not leaving the sight in front of me, "It wasn't your fault. I never blamed you for any of it."
authors note:
hi i haven't updated this book in years oops
but that's cause I've been updating my alec lightwood book
one that you should totally go check out
it's called forelsket and you can find it on my profile !
I haven't edited this cause it's 5 am, so my bad if there's mistakes-
vote and comment loadsss