ethan: ashley
ethan: you have to give me something
I'm on the verge of tears and I can tell Ethan's hanging on to his last string of patience. After a few days of casual talking, I couldn't help but feel such that it was the calm before a storm. I was right, and everything blew up in my face today.
me: i'm sorry
ethan: sorry isn't going to change anything
ethan: this isn't working
ethan: this is terribly one sided
ethan: i'm trying so hard to make things right, to correct my past mistakes
ethan: but what about you?
ethan: i feel like you aren't even trying, ashley
me: i am trying!
My breaths are coming out rushed and short, and I glare down at my phone screen. There's an indescribable urge to hurl my phone at the wall, to shatter it into pieces.
ethan: no, you're not
ethan: you're not even willing to call me on the phone
ethan: do you even want to talk to me anymore?
ethan: you seriously aren't trying
I bite down, hard, on my lip to prevent myself from screaming. He's not withholding any of his harsh words against me, and I snap.
me: how dare you say i'm not
me: i'm not ready to get my heart broken again, okay?
me: so pardon me if i'm a little hesitant
The mood of our conversation takes a turn.
ethan: i'm sorry angel
ethan: i just really want to hear your voice
ethan: i just really, really, really miss you
My heart breaks for this poor boy who's so in love. Who's declaring his love for a girl who he thinks is the girl he loves. Who's so clueless and trusting, who still believes me for everything.
That same guilt has been spurring me to hunt for Ashley nonstop. I've spent late nights up, avoiding Ethan's texts, ignoring Hazel, hiding out in my room from my mom.
hazel: ashley
hazel: are you avoiding me?
I want to scream in frustration, hating how my life is spinning out of control. Both Ethan and Hazel are upset with me, and I don't know what to do.
me: no, hazel, of course not
me: i would never
hazel: where are you?
hazel: you're never at school anymore, and when you are, you look terrible
I sigh, mainly because she's right. I barely sleep, driven by my urge to search for Ashley. My results have narrowed down to a number of five people due to sleepless nights fueled by cups and cups of coffee.
ethan: can we please call?
ethan: please
ethan: i won't ask again if you just let me this once
hazel: what are you even doing with your life
hazel: you didn't even come to study with us
hazel: i had to lie to my boyfriend and make an excuse for you
I don't know who to reply to, I don't know what to say to either of them. They don't deserve to hear more lies piles on top of each other.
me: i'm sorry hazel
me: i promise i'll make it up to you
First, I reply to Hazel, hoping she'll make it easier for me. I don't want her to hate me too, but at the rate this friendship is going downhill, I feel that it'll be inevitable at the end. I hope she accepts my apology, knowing that she's the kinder one out of the two.
I feel bad, taking advantage of her kindness like that, but I'm desperate. I need to save this friendship, but with Ethan being so suspicious and taking up all my thoughts, I hadn't spared any of my time for Hazel.
me: i'm sorry ethan
me: i don't know if i can
ethan: what do you mean you can't?
ethan: you can't or you don't want to?
He's clever, I'll give him that. But I can't and I don't want to. I can't because it'll reveal my whole scheme, and I can't let that happen until I'm finally done and find Ashley. I don't want to, because he'll immediately catch on. They'll both lead to the downfall of this.
me: ethan
me: give me a time period
me: i'll try to be ready after that
I have to make a compromise, to show him that I'm not afraid. I know he's suspicious of everything, trying to trip me up at every turn. I know I've most likely already made a lot of mistakes, but I need to prevent myself from making any more.
hazel: this is your last chance
hazel: i'm sorry, but you never pay attention to me anymore
Tears spring to my eyes and I don't blink in fear that saltine trails will fall down.
me: i'm so sorry hazel
me: but i really am trying
hazel: you don't talk to me in school
hazel: you don't respond to my texts
hazel: it's as if i'm not even there anymore
hazel: i'm tired of being put last
hazel: especially when i know someone out there is willing to put me first
hazel: and i found him
hazel: henry really cares for me
Despite the negative things, I'm happy that Hazel found someone. I missed up on the chance to meet her boyfriend, but I swear to myself that I won't do that again.
me: hazel
me: name a date and time
me: i promise i'll be there, no matter what
This is one promise I will not break.
I've been ignoring Ethan's texts, so while Hazel is thinking and replying, I go to Ethan's texts. He's sent me a few, and I scan them quickly.
ethan: you have a week
ethan: you know
ethan: this might sound terribly rude
ethan: but are you ashley?
ethan: she loves to call me on the phone
ethan: you probably are
ethan: but you've changed a lot
He has no idea how close his guess is. Despite all his growing suspicions, he's still choosing to believe me. That strikes a pang in my heart, knowing that I'm going to have to reveal all this to him when I find the real Ashley.
I don't know what his reaction will be. Will he be angry, upset, or happy and relieved? Will he thank me or hate me for pretending to be Ashley?
I really hope that he won't hate me. I want this to end on good terms, no matter the outcome. I want to stay in touch with Ethan, and maybe become close friends with him. I hope our relationship won't change that much, I hope he'll keep talking to me.
me: i'm sorry
me: but how about two weeks?
ethan: what are you so scared about?
I can tell his temper snapped and he's at his wits end.
ethan: unless you're actually not ashley
ethan: and you've actually been lying to me about this the whole time
ethan: because if that's the case, stop talking to me
My breath hitches and finally the tears roll down. I can't lose him, I don't want him to be angry with me, I don't want our relationship to end like this.
me: you can call me now
I sigh as I do something rash, but I furiously wipe my tears away.
me: call me, then
It's time to come out and tell him the truth. He's probably already debating blocking my number and never talking to me again. I can't risk that, but if I have a chance to explain why I did it and my motives, maybe he'll feel more inclined to still talk to me.
A call appears, and I stare at the accept and decline buttons for a while. Mustering all my courage, I press a shaky finger on the accept button.
"Hello?" his voice is deep, rich, smooth. I almost swoon but I hold myself together.
"Hey," I say quietly.
There's an audible gasp on the other side of the phone call. I don't know if it's a good gasp or a bad one, but I await his response.
"Ashley?" Ethan's voice is full of wonder. "It's really you!"
My mouth hangs open and I blink furiously. "W-what do you mean?" I stutter, almost dropping my phone. I set it on the table and turn on the speaker.
"You weren't lying, it really is you. I'm so glad I found you," he exclaims, the smile visible in his voice. I'm gaping, not sure if he's joking or lying, or if he actually thinks I'm Ashley. Do I sound like her? I know a lot of my descriptions match her, but I didn't think I actually was her.
Am I Ashley? Am I the Ashley he is searching for?