Chapter 12
I hesitantly touched the ends of my newly chopped hair and pouted. Iniling-iling ko pa ang ulo ko at tuluyang pinagmasdan ang sariling repleksyon sa salamin. The ends of my wavy hair are tickling my bare shoulder blades. I've never had my hair cut this short that it emphasized my heart-shaped face.
Ngumuso ako at sumandal sa kinauupuan. I dropped my gaze to my pale, trembling fingers. Humugot ako ng isang hininga at sinilip ulit ang sarili bago pa mapadpad ang tingin sa maliit na siwang sa pinto.
I gave him a short side-glance. Kumunot ang noo ko nang ambang aalis na sana siya.
"You can come in, you know." I told Zeus.
There was a pause. A moment of hesitation. From the middle of the room, I could hear his ragged breathing. Then the wooden door creaked open. He stepped inside and stared at me. I stared back using the mirror in front of me. Isang manipis na ngiti ang dumampi sa mga labi ko.
"What do you think?"
"You..." he scratched his shadow jaw as the intensity of his stare skyrocketed into few degrees. "You cut your hair..." he finally breathed out.
"Hmm. Yeah." Malambing kong sagot at tumayo na. Nginitian ko si Zeus at tinapik-tapik nang mahina ang buhok ko. "So... what do you think?"
"M-Maganda..."
Ngumuso ako. "Talaga?"
He swallowed violently and nodded. Parang batang nag-iiwas ng tingin sa akin. My grin widened as I swallowed the rest of the distance between the two of us and tugged his veined arms.
"Maganda?"
He nodded and touched my hair. "Maganda, oo."
Mas lalo pang lumawak ang ngiti ko. I figured cutting my hair and donating it to a foundation that creates wigs for kids with cancer would be nice. Simula nang bumalik kaming dalawa ni Zeus sa Manila ay halos wala na akong ginagawa. Everything I need is just a stone's throw away. When Zeus is away, I am being treated like a queen inside his house. And when he's home, he makes sure that the appointments in the hospital are never delayed.
I could see the fatigue in his eyes. He's now making up for the time that he lost when we were in Zamboanga. Madaling araw na siyang umaalis sa bahay at gabi naman kung umuuwi. Zoey visited me multiple times since we've arrived. She's enthusiastic with the idea that I would be here, but I still haven't had the guts to tell her the real reason why I'm here.
Solemn eyes swimming with mixed emotions, I leaned my head against Zeus' chest. How he could remain calm in this situation, that, I do not know. We discuss liver cancer as if we're just talking about the weather of the day. He's been very attentive to every word that the doctor had said and had been very strict to the housekeepers on what to feed me, what to do when I am in pain, and how to tend to my needs.
To be honest, I am very terrified. But I didn't dare show it to my face. Zeus has so many things to worry right now and I don't want to add to his problems. I want him to know that I am doing okay. The occasional stomach pains and the dizziness are getting worse and worse. May iilang araw na sobrang putla ko, kailangan ko pang maglagay ng konting kolorete sa mukha bago pa harapin si Zeus.
It seems like the more I think about the disease, the more I am engulfed by it. Wala namang problema sa akin nung nasa Zamboanga pa ako at nagtatrabaho. Ngayong nasa bahay ako at pinagsisilbihan ay pakiramdam ko ngayon pa tuluyang bumibigay ang katawan ko.
Cold fear clawed at my throat every time I jolted awake at the middle of the night with an unbearable pain punching to the pits of my stomach. I pressed a fist against my mouth while tears streamed down, curling myself as small as possible so that no one would hear my cries of pain. Mabibigat na ang paghinga ko habang pinipilit ang sariling makulong ulit sa kadiliman at matakasan ang sakit. Sa paggising ko naman ay parang binugbog ng ilang beses ang katawan ko. He must've noticed that my smiles are getting duller and duller and yet, he said nothing about it.
Or so I thought.
Mahapdi pa ang dibdib ko habang naglalakad ako pabalik sa aking kama. I clutched on my chest as I breathed heavily. It was one of the nights when I fell asleep while waiting for Zeus. Nasa baba ako at natutulog sa couch. Nang magising ay nasa loob na ako ng kwarto at nakahiga sa kama. Nagising lang ako ng madaling araw dahil sa sobrang sama ng pakiramdam at matinding pagsusuka.
I dragged myself to bed and collapsed. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at kinumutan ang sarili. I was starting to relax when I heard the door creaking open. Nagising kaagad ang diwa ko nang lumusob ang pamilyar na amoy ni Zeus sa aking ilong.
For some reason, I remained still and didn't bother to turn around. I let him think that I was still sleeping. In that way, he wouldn't see the tiredness in my eyes and how I looked half like death with sorrowful eyes and unsmiling mouth.
Pinakiramdaman ko ang kaniyang paggalaw. His heavy footsteps are very gentle, making sure that he doesn't disturb me in the process. Then I felt the weight of the mattress shift as he claimed the edge. I almost jolted awake when I felt his warm hand on my cheeks.
There was ragged breathing. His fingers, calloused from endless making love with the strings of the guitar now touches my skin with so much love and tenderness. The careful strokes and the gentleness in it made my heart rammed with so much love.
Gusto kong buksan ang mga mata ko at titigan siya pabalik. But I'm afraid the mismatched hues of my orbs would betray me and tell him that I am very terrified right now.
Isang marahas na pagsinghap ang narinig ko mula sa kaniya. I want to hold his hand that's holding my cheeks right now. His labored breathing and painful murmurs broke my heart.
"I don't even know who I'm praying at right now, and I rarely pray in my entire life... not when You introduced her to me..."
In that cold, dark room, his voice sounded so sorrowful. The rough edges are grazing against my heart as I listen to the words he quietly murmured.
"I know that I have been very sinful in my life, and that I deserve to be in pain. But Naia? She doesn't deserve it. You must know that every time I see her hurting, the pain doubles up in me and kills me from the inside. Seeing her like this is hell."
Ramdam ko ang bahagyang panginginig ng kamay niyang nakahawak pa rin sa pisngi ko. The restrain in his voice and the silent surrender as he continued to spoke knocked the breath off me.
"I'm going to pray, for real, and for the first time in my life, that You heal her. You know how much I love her. And that living this life without her would be the death of me." pumiyok ang kaniyang boses sa dulo ng kaniyang salita. I tried so hard to remain still while my heart is breaking into two right now. "You know I'm going to do everything for her. Everything."
Narinig ko siyang suminghot. He withdrew his hand away, leaving me cold. A few seconds later, I felt his warm lips on my temple.
"Please heal her." He murmured against my salty skin. "If gods are real then you know how much I am suffering right now. She's my only hope and the only reason why I'm living this life. I could kneel in front of thousand saints all day, in exchange for more time with her. Alam mong hindi ko kayang mawala ulit siya sa akin..."
A sob tore at my throat, clawing its way out. Nanginig ang mga labi ko. Nanatili akong nakahiga at hindi gumagalaw hanggang sa maramdaman kong unti-unti na siyang lumalayo sa akin. Trying to ease myself, I started to calm down and stayed quiet until he silently stepped out of my room.
Ilang segundo pa muna ang pinalipas ko nang tuluyan na siyang lumabas bago ko ibinukas ang mga mata. Kasabay noon ay ang pagtulo ng mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. I stared at the closed door, my chest aching, knowing that no words can comfort both of us right now.
Instead of following him out, I decided to give both of us some time alone and went back to sleep with a heavy heart.
Nang magising ako ay kakabukas pa lang ng pinto sa aking kwarto. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up groggily and saw Zeus stepping inside as if he hadn't cry here earlier. His eyes are bright and full of amusement that it made me wonder if it was just a dream of mine that he wept and prayed for me.
"Morning..." he said.
I eyed him, carrying a tray of food. The brute didn't even bother to put on anything. He's topless and the sweatpants he wore are hanging loosely around his hipbone, enough to awaken any desiring thoughts of any woman who would see him. Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko bago pa dumapo ang tingin ko sa kaniyang tattoo. I bit my lower lips and looked away.
He placed the tray in front of me and pinched my nose. I heard him chuckle. "Kain ka na."
I'm not sure if it's the food he's offering or himself. Ngumuso ako.
"Nandito ka pa?"
Zeus sat at the edge of the bed, and reached for my hair. "Where do you think I'm going, baby?"
"Baka kasi may mga meeting ka pa o shows na kailangang daluhan—"
"They can wait. I'll stay here with you." He said in a solemn voice. I tried not to imagine how his voice last night sounded so lost, so brokenhearted... inignora ko ang pakiramdam na iyon at itinuon ang sarili sa pagkaing nasa harapan.
"We'll go to the hospital again today," wika niya nang magsimula na akong kumain. "He called me last night and I think we have to discuss about the transplant. I know you don't want to spend much time in the hospital that's why I... well, that's why I should just hire a private nurse for you."
"Transplant..." I echoed out loud.
He reached for my hand and squeezed it. "Don't worry, Naia. I'll be sure to find the donor for you. Nakausap ko na si Chairman Fresco. He agreed to help. And all your other co-workers in the foundation are spreading the word to find the right donor as soon as possible."
Huminga ako nang malalim. "I've got to tell Zoey about this, sooner or later, huh?"
He nodded. "Maiintindihan ni Zoey kung bakit hindi mo kaagad nahanap ang lakas ng loob para sabihin sa kaniya ang kalagayan mo. She's a good friend, Naia."
I nodded. Zeus placed his hands on his thighs, nag-aambang tumayo. "I should get dressed. Tapusin mo na ang pagkain mo at babalikan kita dito."
Abandoning my food, I grabbed his wrist before he could take a step away. Napatingin tuloy siya sa akin.
"I just wanted to apologize."
"Apologize?"
"For... for what I did. I know I must've hurt you a lot, and you have every right to hate me right now but here I am, having breakfast in bed in your house."
Nakatitig lamang siya sa akin kaya pinagpatuloy ko ang pagsasalita.
"Zeus..." mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata. "I made terrible mistakes. I took your love for granted and somehow, I made the two of us suffer. I was being selfish and immature. Hindi ko man lang naisip kung gaano ka nasaktan sa mga ginawa ko."
Umupo ulit si Zeus at pinakinggan ako nang mabuti. Seryoso ang mga mata niya. I know just by watching the halls leading to the windows of his soul, he wanted to say something. It bedazzles me that there are times when I can read his emotions, and there are times when I couldn't even get a hold of him.
"I'm sorry..." yumuko ako sa kahihiyan at pinisil-pisil ang mga daliri ko. I bit my lower lips. I was struggling to keep my voice firm and unwavering. "I was only thinking about myself. I was so selfish... I even took my hijab off. I'm not sure if I'm even worthy in front of Allah anymore. I committed so many sins, Zeus."
"We all are sinful, Naia."
"Rebellion to my own religion hasn't been in my blood. I can't believe I'm doing this, and I did this. I'm just... I'm so ashamed of what I did."
Zeus left me to my own thoughts later on that day. Para na ako ngayong inuugoy ng mga naiisip ko at hindi makawala kung kaya't lumabas ako upang makalanghap ng sariwang hangin. I decided to stop by Zoey's house and see how she's doing.
"Hi." I greeted her meekly as I stood by her doorway.
Zoey stared blankly at me. Alam ko kung anong tumatakbo sa isipan niya ngayon. And she has every right to be hurt because I somehow betrayed her. Not telling her the truth is somehow an act of disloyalty.
"Zoey..." I started.
"Kailan pa?" halos namamaos ang kaniyang boses na tanong sa akin.
I bit my lower lips in guilt. Sa sobrang dami ng taong nasasaktan ko sa mga desisyong ginagawa ko, parang gusto ko nalang umatras at magpakalayo-layo. But running away would make me much of a coward than I'd like to admit to myself. Sa tuwing naaalala ko kung paano umiyak at magdasal si Zeus para sa akin, alam kong wala akong karapatang sumuko para sa kaniya.
"I'm sorry..."
"And here I thought you considered me as your friend." She said in a bitter tone.
"You are my friend, Zoey." Halos pagsusumamo ko sa kaniya. "But at that time, I just felt so... so lost. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako patungo. Kung saan ako pupunta at kung saan ako dadalhin ng destinasyon kong ito. Wala akong lakas ng loob para pagsabihan ang kung sino man tungkol sa... sa sakit ko."
Tumungo si Zoey. Nakahawak pa rin ang kaniyang kamay sa doorknob at nanatili pa rin ako sa labas ng kaniyang pintuan. I wouldn't mind if she wouldn't allow me to enter her house. Gusto ko lang humingi ng tawad at ng makita siya.
"Sobrang dami kong nilihim sa iyo at sobrang dami ko ring nasaktang tao, Zoey. Alam ko yun." I said in a silent voice.
Bumuntong-hininga si Zoey. She tipped her head and muttered something before turning to me again. Blanko pa rin ang mga mata niya at manipis ang mga labi.
"Kung papapasukin kita dito ulit sa bahay ko, pangako mo sa aking sasabihin mo na ang lahat-lahat?"
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat. For her to forgive me this fast is not what I expected. May karapatan siyang magtampo dahil sa mga ginawa ko at magalit sa akin. She must've read what was on my mind because she spoke again.
"I keep on telling myself that you're my best friend. And I'm your best friend... but lately, I realized that best friends don't keep secrets from each other. Andami ko ding nilihim sa iyo. Pati na rin sa pamilya ko, Naia. When I got mad because you kept something from me, I realized that I got mad because I was seeing myself in you... secretive, has trust issues, and impotent."
"Zoey..."
"But we can always start from the scratch, right?" isang mahinang ngiti ang sumilay sa kaniyang mga labi dala na rin ang marahan niyang pagbukas sa pinto. "Promise me you won't keep secrets from me anymore?"
"I promise." I quickly answered.
"Good. So do I." she stated and watched me with silent, solemn eyes.
"Then you'll finally tell me the father of your child?" I teased her.
"Of course, silly."
Napahinga ako nang maluwag. Somehow, her acceptance matters the most to me. Hindi ko ata alam ang gagawin kung pati si Zoey ay magagalit din sa akin. I've made rush and immature decisions in life. And if this life is going to be short, then might as well make use of my remaining time to correct my wrongdoings and ask for forgiveness from the people I hurt.
Nakita ko si Wanda na mahimbing na natutulog sa sofa, yakap-yakap ang isang kulay asul na teddy bear. My heart fluttered with the adorable view. I turned to Zoey and saw that she was picking up the toys her daughter had abandoned earlier.
"So... where do we start?"
"By telling me the father of your child?" I suggested.
She shrugged and then a small grin tugged at her lips. "You may or may not know him. He's from our province, Naia."
"Sino?"
"Andreus Cueva."
I tilted my head. "Doesn't ring a bell."
"I figured." She chuckled. "But yeah. He's the father of my child and he's an asshole."
Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa biglaang pagmumura ni Zoey. When she realized her daughter might hear her, hininaan niya ang kaniyang boses.
"Hindi siya naniniwala na siya ang ama ni Wanda." She said in a silent voice.
I felt a surge of pity for the pretty little girl, getting denied by her own father. No one deserves to be denied by their own parents. Even if my father ruled our house with an iron fist, he never denied me. Even if he was given a chance to be back at the place and take his rightful throne, he never abandoned me.
Naiintindihan ko ngayon kung bakit ganun nalang ang galit ni Zoey sa kung sino man ang Andreus Cueva na iyon.
"Anyway, that jerk should better be as far away as possible because I don't really wanna see his face right now. Wanda and I are having a good life. Little by little, I'll try to make her understand that not all kids have fathers and that it's okay if she only has me..."
Bigla ko tuloy naalala si Tamara. How I filled the void that her mother left when she died. I bit my lower lips and pressed my fingers. Pinagmasdan ko si Wanda. She's such a bubbly girl. And smart, too. I'm sure when the time comes, she'll understand why her mother has to raise her alone.
"Now that we're done with my issues," Zoey sat in front of me and crossed her legs. Bahagya niya akong tinaasan ng kilay. "Let's hear yours."
Nagtagal ako ng ilang oras sa bahay ni Zoey. I tried to explain everything to her without censorship, if that's what's friendship is all about. Naiintindihan niya naman ako. And I liked how I didn't saw the pity in her eyes when she discovered how serious my condition is. Instead, she absorbed the information in a rather calm manner and told me endless lists of her doctor friends who can help me in the near future.
Nagpumilit si Zoey na ihatid ako pauwi ngunit hindi na ako nagpatinag. I told her I'll be fine and I just needed a short walk back home. Nag-aalangan pa rin siya nang hayaan niya akong lumabas.
"Zeus will probably kick me out of the band or disown me if something bad happens to you..." halos nagmamaktol niyang wika.
I chuckled. "I'm going to be okay, Zoey."
Iilang segundo din ang lumipas na nakatitig siya sa akin bago siya tumango. I waved goodbye and started heading out when I noticed a parked tinted car in front of her house. Mabilis na itinaas ng driver ang bintana ng salamin nang mapansin niyang nakatitig ako sa kaniya. But I did catch his midnight hair and piercing green eyes... just like Wanda's. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Bago pa man ako makagalaw ay mabilis nang ipinaharurot ng driver ang kaniyang sasakyan palabas ng subdivision.
I glanced again at the closed door of Zoey's house. Napailing ako at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.
When I got home, I was carrying a box of donuts and two cups of coffee that I forgot Zeus is very wealthy and has stocks of food that can feed an entire army in his kitchen. Masyado lang siguro akong nadala sa matamis na amoy ng donut. Monica stared at me in surprise when she opened the door for me but said nothing.
"Mr. Ferrer is in the studio, Ms. Bukhari."
"Naia, please." Mahinhin kong wika sa kaniya.
Hindi man lang kumurap si Monica o tumango bilang pagsagot. I sighed. There's no use trying to soften her. Sumusunod lang naman siya sa utos ng kaniyang amo.
I went to the studio still carrying the box of donuts. I didn't bother to knock as I opened the door gently and stepped inside. Phrenzy music rang in the air as Zeus pounded on the keys with his back glistening with sweat. I stared at him and closed the door. Halos ibulong na niya ang liriko ng mga kanta na tila ba inuugoy niya ang isang sanggol upang matulog. May konting gaspang sa dulo ng kaniyang boses, tunog inaantok ngunit ang garalgal na iyon ang mas lalong nagpapatindig ng balahibo sa kung sinumang makakarinig sa kaniya ngayon.
"Hawakan mo aking kamay...
Bago tayo maghiwalay
Lahat-lahat ibibigay, lahat-lahat..."
Halos maeskandalo ako nang marinig ang mumunting ungol ni Zeus sa lirikong iyon. Nakapikit ang mga mata, tumutulo ang pawis, at mabilis ang pagtaas-baba ng kaniyang dibdib. He stabbed his cheek with his tongue as his fingers orchestrated in the keys.
"Paalam sating huling sayaw
May dulo pala ang langit
Kaya't sabay tayong bibitaw
Sa ating huling sayaw..."
I stood silently while I let the thin smoke from the coffee dissipate into thin air and realized that I could listen to him all day without complaints. Ibang-iba talaga siya kapag siya lang mag-isang kumakanta. Kapag alam niyang wala siyang kinakantahan o kung sino mang nanunuod sa kaniya. Gone are the inhibitions and the small theatrics he put on for the sake of his audience. Listening to him this raw, with a cigarette glowing red and hanging in his mouth made me think how lucky I am to see this side of him.
"Paalam sating huling sayaw
May dulo pala ang langit..."
When he finished the song, he stared at his fingers at the key and shook his head a bit. Kinuha niya ang crystal glass na nakaupo sa lid ng kaniyang piano at tinungga ang laman nito. I cleared my throat. Gulat na napalingon sa akin si Zeus ngunit mabilis din iyong nawala. His dark, arrogant eyes sweep a gaze over me as he set the glass back.
"Kanina ka pa?"
I nodded silently. I was planning to offer him the coffee but seeing that he's now nursing a whiskey again, decided that I should just abandon the plan.
"Nagpunta ako kina Zoey."
Tumango siya at tumayo. He's watching me silently. We were in the middle of a heated argument earlier when I walked out and went to Zoey's place. Nahihiya ako na kailangan ko pang bumili ng peace offering para sa kaniya para lang makapag-sorry.
"I'm sorry, Zeus..."
Rinig ko ang kaniyang malakas na buntong hininga. I winced. He must be getting tired and sick of hearing me say sorry again and again for the mistakes that I chose to commit. Mariin kong kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi gamit ang ngipin na sa tingin ko'y magdudugo iyon anumang oras dahil sa diin.
"Alam mo, nakakarami ka na sa akin..." he said in a low, dangerous voice. I internally pouted. Whenever I hear the deep cadence in his usual baritone, I know that I am in trouble and he's really serious about it.
"Sorry..."
"Please... stop saying sorry again... and again... Naia..." hindi ko alam kung pagsusumamo ba iyon dahil may halong gigil ang kaniyang tono. He sounded as if he's restraining himself. From what? From me?
"Nuuh-yah...."
I glanced up at him when he stretched my name in his tongue and saw the cruel glint of his smoldering eyes.
"Galit ka ba?" malambing kong tanong sa kaniya.
He hissed under his breath.
"Sorry na..."
Zeus closed the distance between the two of us. To show him that I'm not scared of him anymore, I remained standing and even had the temerity to offer the box of donuts.
"Ano yan?"
"Peace offering?"
"Bakit parang tunog hindi ka sigurado?" nakakunot ang noong tanong niya sa akin.
Ngumuso ako. I realized I don't know much about him. Even simple things like his favorite color, food, even the band that he likes the most. Nahihiya akong umamin.
"Sigurado ako..."
"Ako rin." Seryoso niyang wika sa akin.
I nodded and offered him the box. He only glanced at it briefly and decided to ignore it.
"Ayaw mo?"
"Iba ang gusto ko, Naia."
Humigit ako ng isang malalim na hininga. Alright. He really is mad at me.
"Eh... ano?"
"Hm?"
"Anong gusto mo?" pag-uulit ko sa medyo nanginginig na boses.
He smirked at me. ipinikit ko nang bahagya ang mga mata ko. Alam kong kapag ganito na ang ngisi niya at ang pamumungay ng mga mata niya'y may iba siyang ibig sabihin.
"Tinatanong mo kung anong gusto ko?"
I nodded slowly.
"Ikaw."
Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. Bakas ang pagkalito sa mukha ko. I thought he's still mad at me?
"Ano?"
"Ikaw ang gusto ko."
Nagbukas-sara ang bibig ko. Then I shut it again and then nodded.
"Yun lang?"
"Meron pa..."
"What is it, Zeus?"
He reached for the crown of my hair and stared at it lovingly before his lethal gaze bore on my eyes again.
"I want you to wear your hijab again."
"Zeus—"
"I'm sorry Miss Bukhari, but I only marry Muslim women."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa narinig. Ang panginginig ng mga labi ko at ang pag-ugong ng iilang-libong mga bagay sa isipan ko ang nagpa-atras sa akin mula sa kaniya. Hindi naman nagpatinag si Zeus. He's still darkly watching me while I struggle to process what I just heard.
"Ikaw..." I sucked in a deep breath and blinked one too many times. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa narinig ko. "Nagpa-convert ka...?"
"Five years ago, Naia."
My hands went limp as the box of donuts fell on the floor.