To the one I loved the most

We ask "how are you?" For small talk, not for the real answer

And I won't lie.
I won't lie to you and say that I can be distracted from it for a while;
The feeling of being so disconnected from everyone and everything that I am no longer breathing through my own lungs;
no longer speaking my own thoughts.
I will not lie to you and cause you to believe that I am alone but not lonely
Because I don't think I've ever felt more isolated in my life
Than I do now, after him, after trauma, after being weathered down like the rocks of a rushing river
And in the day, I can ignore it
I have subconsciously buried it so far beneath my daily activities of a smile and a laugh
That I forgot it was there all together;
This crushing feeling of working so hard for connections that are just illusions
I will not lie and tell you that I voice anywhere near half of my daily thoughts
I will not lie to you that people think they know me because I let them see who I want to be seen as
Not as who I really am
I won't lie and say that the select few who have figured me out opted to stay
Because he walked away and left me a year's worth of distance and questions
I won't lie
I do everything I can to avoid feeling empty
I do everything I can to avoid the soul destroying realization that I am just not okay
I won't lie; this has stemmed completely from the absence of real love for so long
I am breaking under this artificial woman I have created to yield the hurt
And I won't lie because there is no one who wants to hear the truth anyway