•Harry•
3 days later...
"do you want a blanket?" I help Niall down onto the recliner in the chemo room slowly
He simply nods. Ever since the trial drug adjustment drug had been injected Niall had deteriorated quickly. He was barely able to walk or talk. The talking Dr. Kelly told us was unable to tell if it was perminant or temporary damage to his vocal chords, but she was sure it was related to the drug and if he makes it out of this she would look more into it, but he had much other pressing issues.
The poor lad was running a constantly high fever, loosing weight faster than he manage, he was vomiting sick consistantly and very rarely fully concious. His state was something none of us were prepared to deal with so soon. Yes, Dr. Kelly had told us it would be bad, I guess none of us just realized quickly it would happen.
I pulled the grey fuzzy blanket of his boney body careful of all the monitors and tubes attached to him. "N-new?" He croaks out painfully
I nod "yeah your mum bought it for you yesterday, remember?" I pull a chair over to his side
He simply shrugs. I cringe internally, he was awake and aware yesterday when his mum walked in with the new blanket and pillow for him. Claiming the hospitals blankets were too scratchy and pillows too flat. That was only yesterday and he doesn't remember it. Memory loss was new.
"Its alright" I smile "yesterday was a bit hectic and you were in and out of sleep all day so" I shrug trying to not make a big deal
The curtain in front of us pulls back suddenly "Morning Niall" JC smiles kindly "how you feeling?" She asks pulling over a near by IV stand and hanging two bags up on it
Niall gives her a weak thumbs up and she smiles "Good. That's good. I'm just going to undo your gown here" she carefully unbuttons the shoulder buttons of nialls gown
"Wheres everyone at today?" She asks knowing usually Niall has an group with him
"Liam and Louis had to go to an interview and Annie went to the hotel to shower and bring back a few things we need" I explain simply
She nods "Oh you got a port placed?" She acknowledges the new perminant IV port that Dr. Kelly had placed yesterday to make chemo a bit easier on Ni. Now they just attach the chemo to the port without having to stick him with a needle everytime
Niall nods "ye-sturday" at least he remembers that.
JC nods "that's good. Makes things easier for all of us. Any pain or tenderness around it?" She gently feels around the port and Niall shakes his head no
"Great." She atattches the IV to the port "alright theres the chemo and I'm just going to run some fluids too. Keep you hydrated" she attaches the second IV to the already existing IV in his hand.
"When was your last tube feeding?" JC jots down some things on nialls chart
Niall simply raises three fingers in response to her question. I nod "yeah like three hours ago" I confirm
"Alrighty" she clicks her pen shut "well, you know the drill so Ill leave you to get some rest. Buzz me if you need anything" she leaves with her usual smile on her face
Sitting by while Niall is going through all this is one of the hardest things I've had to do. Watching his body destroy its self from the inside out. It's something no one should have to go through and I wouldnt wish this on anyone.
The curtain before us is pulled back again but this time to reveal Ashley.
"Hey guys" she greets side stepping into the room with a few things tucked in her arms
"Hey Ashely" I smile at her
"Could I talk to Niall for a minute?" She asks
I nod standing "Sure. I was wanting some tea anyway. Do you want anything, Ni?" I offer
He shakes his head though pulling his blanket up further. "Alright, I'll be back in a bit"
•Niall•
Everything hurt. My body ached from never moving it, my throat throbbed constantly and I was simply exhausted. Everything was so much harder than I anticipated it to be.
"How are you Niall?" Ashley takes Harry's seat beside me handing me a white board and marker
That was the other thing. My voice was nearly completely gone and on the rare occasion I could talk it burned my throat. I knew Dr. Kelly said this was a possibility with the trial drug, I guess I was just so excited at the thought of there being a cure I jumped without thinking.
"Fine, tired." I scribble on the board turning it to answer her
She nods "I can imagine. Dr. Kelly was telling me you're having pretty severe side effects to the chemo."
"I'm dying, aren't I?"
She sighs running her eyes across the board. She looks down pulling on her fingers.
"Do you want my therapist or friend response to that?"
"Therapist" I write quickly
"You're right" heart sinks to my stomach "But that doesn't mean you're dead. You have to keep living and enjoying life as hard as that may seem. For your own sake."
"I know, I'm just so tired. This is so hard"
She frowns "what exactly is hard? The treatment or continuing to live?"
"The treatment isn't allowing me to keep living. The treatment is killing me."
"You can stop the treatment, Niall. I think this us taking a worse toll on you than any of expected." She tells me genuinely
I want to agree. I want to agree with her and stop this all "but, remember why you chose to do this Niall. Remember what you're fighting for."
I sigh knowing shes right. I don't want to give up. I don't. It just sounds so easy, simple. "This is your fight though Niall. Nobody can or should tell you what to do."
"I'm just tired."
She nods "I know, I know"
"Hey Ni!" A chippy voice whips back the curtain quickly "oh sorry were you in the middle of a session"
I shake my head as does ashley "Its alright, we were just finishing up anyway. I'll see you guys soon" she stands and leaves leaving me with Louis and Liam
"Where were you?" I hold up the small white board Ashley left me
Liam frowns "We had an interview to go to remember? We talked about it this morning"
My face mirrors his. No, I honestly didnt remember that at all. I must have been asleep when they talked about it and he just thinks I was up.
"Yeah and a dumb one at that" louis quips pulling a latex glove out of a box and proceeding to blow it up like a balloon
•Liam•
"Its strange right? I mean hes never had anything like this before" I urge Dr. Kelly concerned
She sighs "I'll agree it's strange. But it very well could just be because hes been so out of it lately. Hes barley been awake this past week"
"No, no. He was awake I'm telling you Dr. Kelly he was fully aware when I told where we were going and why. Then we get back and ge has no recollection of us leaving?" I whisper shout frustrated
She nods "okay I'll look into it. But you have to remember this trial drug is called a trial for a reason. We don't 100% know the side effects of it yet. Short term memory loss may just be a side effect. Nothing to panic about alright?"
I sigh understanding what she means. This drug is risky and side effects unknown.
My thoughts are interrupted by a high pitched beep coming from Dr. Kelly's pager and the hospital intercom
"ICU code blue ICU code blue"
Dr. Kelly pulls her pager off her scrubs and huffs "damn it" and she immediately turns to run down the halls. My heart sinks to my stomach "its Niall" she rushes out and we run down the halls panic rising in me second by second
Nialls room is filled with blue scrubs and shouting. I can't even see Niall no matter how hard I push through
"What do we got?" Dr. Kelly shouts pulling on gloves
"Looks like a grand-mal sezier" the break in people allows me to see Niall on his side asking violently while people work rapidly around him "Hes been seizing about a minute now."
"Shit. okay let's push one of diazepam!"
"Liam!" I whip my head to the side and Annie crashes herself into my chest tears in her eyes "H-he just started shaking I-I didnt know what to do" she trembles in my arms
"Its alright he'll be okay" I hold her close trying to suppress my own panic for her sake
Louis Harry Annie and I stood in the corner of the room watching the horror scene infront of us unfold we stayed quiet though knowing all too well if we panicked they'd kick us out.
"No change" someone calls as Nialls body continues to shake uncontrollably eyes rolling back into his head
"Push another diazepam" Dr. Kelly calls sliding a tube into nialls throat suctioning out what looks like vomit out of his throat
Slowly Nialls body stills and my heart calms slowly. This is ut hes okay.
"Siezure regressing" "oxygen levels aren't leveling."
And just like that the rooms in a frenzy again. People running around machines beeping and my hear racing
"Alright let's intubate!" Dr. Kelly moves to nialls head to place an all too familiar tube down his throat.
"Oxygen levels dropping!"
"Shit. Shit. Shit!" Dr. Kelly stands back up straight pulling the tube from Nialls mouth "I've got no visual. Someone get me a creche tray! Let's get him flat I need the field sterilized"
I hold annie tighter. I feel like we shouldn't be here as they lay Niall flat and pour a brown liquid onto his neck. Dr. Kelly pulls on a fresh pair of gloves and a mask.
"Blood pressure and oxygen dropping."
"Scalple" a nurse hands Dr. Kelly a blade and suddenly blood is flowing from Nialls neck at the blade of the scalple
"Oh my god!" Annie screeches burying her face in my chest
"What the hell! What-would someone get them out of here!" Dr. Kelly shouts and a nurse quickly pushes us out but not before I catch the tube she pushes into Nialls throat.
Yeah we weren't meant to see that. I feel nauseous and dizzy.
I lean my back against the wall and slide down it slowly in an attempt not to pass out. Between seeing Niall like that and seeing Dr. Kelly cut into his throat I felt sick.
"What's going on?!" I look up from my spot on the floor to see Daniel and Paul panting as they run up to us
"Niall had a seizure" louis mumbles looking down playing with the brace on his hand distressed
Daniel let's an "Oh fuck" slip from under his breath and rushes into the room. Leaving us all in an eerie silence in the hall.
What felt like hours passed as harry and I sat side by side on the floor watch annie pace back and forth down the hall. Louis stood on the opposite wall just staring down at the floor.
Nobody had anything to say, rather knew what to say. Usually Paul would be reassuring us and trying to keep this positive, but we all knew he couldn't. At this point we were all loosing faith and there was no reassurance to be said. Our best friend could be dead just in the other room.
Finally the door opened and we are all ok our feet. Dr. Kelly and Daniel walk out first with un readable looks on their faces.
"Hes alive" Daniel breaks and a relief like none other washes over me.
"But we should go talk" Dr. Kelly motions down the hall
I catch Annie raise her hand to her mouth and begin biting her nails. This wasn't a good sign.
Dr. Kelly takes us and sits us all down in an all too familiar conference room. "What is it?" Louis breaks the heavy unnerving silence looming over us
Dr. Kelly sighs and exchanges a glance with daniel. "Niall suffered a siezer, as you all know, but it was a bad one. It lasted about 2.5 minutes, which in terms of siezures is a long time. We stopped the siezure, but his oxygen levels continued to drop drastically. I attempted to intubate him, but a tube down his throat to help him breathe, but the tumor in nialls throat prevented that. I was forced to perform what's called a trechionomy. Which is an opening surgically created through the neck into the trechea or windpipe, to allow direct access to the breathing tube and is commonly done in an operating room under general anesthesia. But in Nialls case, had we waited and brought him to an operating room he would have suffocated and died. So I performed an emergency trechionomy and a tube was placed through the incision to provide an airway, allowing Niall to breath through the tube rather than his mouth and nose.
Once we had Niall stabilized I began to search for what caused the siezer and I believe it was because the tumor constricted the flow of oxygen and due to the lack of oxygen Nialls body went into shock and siezed."
"Oh god" Annie mumbles shaking her head
"I know it all sounds scary, but Niall is stable for now." Dr. Kelly assures us "the problem lies now in whether we should continue the treatment or not. You see, Daniel and I seemed it best in Nialls contidition to place him in a medically induced coma for the time being. The siezure was too much on his body and with the treatment weakening him so much it's in Nialls best interest to be sedated. The toll of all this is currently too much on him. But that leaves us in a situation. Nialls do for another treatment injection but Do we continue the treatment or not? Nialls been deemed unfit to make medical decisions."
My heart starts to race. No, no, no.
"Liam," daniel turns to me. "Niall gave you power of attorney." Shit, shit "you have to decide"
I look up at the people around me, all with different looks in their eyes. "I-I cant." I shake my head
"You have to, Liam, I'm sorry." Daniel tells me
"No, no" tears cloud my vision "I dont want t-this" I cant do this. I can't decide Nialls fate. I'm not him
"Liam, I dont think he should keep going its not-"
Louis cuts harry off with a shout "Are you crazy?! The treatment is the only chance we have of keeping him alive"
"The treatment is what's killing him!" Harry refutes
"The cancer is killing h-"
"Boys!" Paul shouts over them and the both fall back instantly "Niall gave Liam the decision. Now shut it."
Dr. Kelly and Daniel turn to me then and anxiety fills me "What's your decision, Liam?"
I look around the room. Everyone's eyes are on me. I cant make this decision. How can I decide to the fate of Annie's husband, my best friend and bandmate, his parents son? I can't.
"C-Can I have some time?" I pull at my finders anxiously
"Yeah, but I need a decision by the end of the day" Dr Kelly tells me
"'Kay" I quickly stand and rush out the room before anyone else can shout their opinion at me. I run. I just run down the halls with no destination.
Why would Niall put this on me? Why would Niall do this to me?
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