Nightmares over the years have been known as bad dreams. To people nightmares are unpleasant dreams that can cause a strong emotional response from the mind, typically fear, maybe despair, anxiety or great sadness.
Zoe's body began to sweat as she gripped the white, cotton sheets between her fingertips as her mouth produced barely audible whimpers.
The man's laugh echoed on her mind and she could almost feel the taste of his touch upon her skin.
Nightmares may contain situations of discomfort , psychological or physical terror or panic.
"Mom, mom, mom!" The little child screamed and screamed but no matter how loud and gut-wrenching her screams were, it wasn't enough to waver the woman who most likely could listen. After all the white brick but thin wall separating the two was not soundproof.
Nightmares have been called bad dreams for the longest of times. However, nightmares aren't bad dreams.
"Zoe. Zo-, -ke up." Stop, stop, stop. Don't touch me!!
Her buddy shuddered and she bolted upright, gasping for air. Her heart was fleetly thumping against her ribcage.
People remain asleep during a bad dream and they violently awaken while having a nightmare.
The first thing she checked happened to be the clock. Her alarm clock wasn't the one to wake her up today.
"Agh." She almost cried in frustration, threading her hand through her hair.
Every single night she had to see that woman. It didn't matter if she never stayed home. She was the main character starring in her nightmares.
"Are you okay?" A soft, concerned voice startled her and her heart flew up to her throat.
"Jesus, Noah. Don't do that again." She croaked, relaxing as soon as she saw there was no threat.
Then her pulse began to quicken for another reason.
Noah Hayes was in her room. And very much shirtless.
The man chuckled. "Sorry, did I startle you? I was worried. I heard you scream and I wanted to check on you."
"It's fine," Zoe replied in the air as she ran her eyes over him.
He was thoroughly wet. Droplets of clear water were raining down his dirty blonde curls and falling on his body. A body that obviously had suffered many many days in the gym.
This man was gorgeous, at least to her, in every meaning of the word but what attracted her more to him was the way he could make her body react.
It was this weird, thrilling excitement he stirred from deep within her. That was exactly what made her feel like she was actually living after so long.
Her heart would beat faster and she could feel something other than sadness. She knew she didn't have much time left and as selfish in itself as it was, she was going to cling to this feeling, to him for the time left.
"You were calling your mom. Should I tell her to come here and stay with you?" Noah didn't wait for her answer to get up from where he was sat on her bed and aim for the door.
"No." Her reply flew out like a bullet, high-pitched and laden in dread. Her voice alone fooled her into believing she was afraid of her mother or to be frank her mother seeing her in this condition, seeing her in her most weak moments.
Noah stopped and turned around. "Are you sure? Wouldn't you want her to be with you? It seemed like you had a pretty bad nightmare."
"There's no need. I'm not a child, you know." She scowled, both with her face and voice.
His lips twitched and he turned around, back to his previous place. "You sound young though."
Zoe felt offended. Did he mean that he didn't view her as anything else other than a child? "I'm not. I assure you I'm 100% an adult... even if you can't see that."
Her light tease made him chuckle. "Maybe I can't see you but I can touch you."
Her heartbeat quickened in a painful way from both his words and the sight of his hand closing on her face until both of their flesh finally made contact. Her throat felt drier than Sahara itself.
For some weird, unknown, and strange reason his words pumped every inch of her body with painful excitement. This type of pain, she didn't mind having.
She didn't utter a word and allowed him to have his fill as he explored her face with his hands, carelessly forgetting that he was in nothing but a towel wrapped dangerously low on his waist.
Silently she bathed on his innocent touch, enjoying how he tried to memorize every single feature of her visage until he smiled, stealing her breath.
"My hand is telling me you're a very beautiful young woman, Zoe."
"Liar." She snorted with flushed cheeks. "It doesn't count if you can't see me. It's not me who's beautiful, it's the imagination of me you created in your brain just now."
Noah withdrew his hand and Zoe bit her tongue. She suddenly felt cold and unsafe, two feelings she was very familiar with.
"I'm being sincere. You know you can tell a lot about a person just by touching them."
She cocked an eyebrow and half smiled, grateful he was distracting her from the nightmare she just had. "Like what, professor?"
Noah pretended to think about it before giving a response. "Like decoding emotions. We're able to communicate through touch. Aren't humans such complex interesting beings?"
She begged to differ. Humans sucked. "I'm afraid I'm not in the same mindset as you. What's so great about being a human?"
The man paused and rubbed the back of his head. "To me, it's the ability to feel emotions. I believe emotions are one of the most significant aspects of our life."
"Are you seriously lecturing me at 3 am?" Zoe joked.
"I apologize, lady. It seems I can't help myself." He laughed cheerfully. "And I also can't tell the time."
"It's fine," Zoe reassured him and they both fell silent. She expected him to leave but surprisingly so he didn't. It bothered and pleased her at the same time. She wanted to be alone and at the same time, she didn't dare to tell him to go. Stupidly, she assumed the more time they spent together, the more close to each other they could be.
"That's what I hate most." Zoe broke the awkward silence once she gathered up the courage to talk. "About being a human. I hate that we have emotions. Think about it. If emotions didn't exist there'd be no mental illnesses. People wouldn't get so hurt over insignificant things."
Her response was rewarded by a flick on her forehead. "Don't jump to conclusions, young lady. You can never be sure what's the root of a mental illness. That's what makes it so different from the other types of illnesses. Up until today nor can we be sure what leads to a mental illness or if someone has a certain type of mental disorder."
She was sure though. If she was mentally ill that's all because she allowed herself to feel too much, believe too much, love too freely. Back then she was such a naive stupid little girl and today, today she'd turned into someone she despised.
It didn't matter what Mr. Hayes together with well-known and well-praised psychologists believed, she'd never waver from her opinion. Being able to experience emotions and feelings is a curse. No one could change her mind.
"Usually our experiences lead us to build stable opinions on things such as your own. You seem so keen on the idea that feeling is bad. May I ask why?"
"No reason." She replied flatly, tonelessly.
"One day, I'll make you change that opinion, sweetheart. Be prepared. You'll see with emotions come also good things." Noah pledged almost childishly.
It made her smile. Whenever he talked about a psychological topic, he resembled a child- so pure. She longed to look at herself in the mirror and see a pure child once more.
"Hey, Noah?" Zoe spoke reluctantly, the taste of his name strange on her tongue.
"Hm?"
"You said you can decode emotions through touch. When you touched me, what was I feeling?"
"Trust." He said in a heartbeat, not even sparing a second to think. "Hopefully, you trust me enough to open up to me on our next seance." he finished off with a grin.
She believed he was bluffing. How could he tell she trusted him just by a single touch?
However, she allowed him to touch her without thinking twice and blinking or flinching once. If that wasn't enough of a giveaway she didn't know what could be.
"Our next?" Zoe asked dumbfounded.
"Yes. This Saturday if you're free. Consider tonight our first." The man finally rose to his feet. "I look forward to it, Zoe. You seem to have a very intriguing brain in that pretty little head of yours."
"I'm taking that as a compliment." His effusive praise left her blushing.
"It was indeed one." Before leaving Noah took one glance at the imaginary watch on his wrist and gasped. "Look at that. It's getting late. You better go back to sleep, lady. Good night."
"Good night," Zoe muttered, watching him dart out of her room and disappear.
The obvious fact that he was going back to his room to lay on the same bed his fiancee was, left a sour taste in her mouth.
She tried to sleep but she couldn't. She'd turn from one side to the other on the surface of her very comfy bed which didn't feel that comfy this particular night. Why couldn't she sleep?
Actually, she knew why. Like every other night, once she had a nightmare, she deprived herself of sleep at least until the sun rose. Why? Because the thought of seeing the same thing again was simply frightening and so were her thoughts while she was alone in her room surrounded by darkness.
She hated dark places but she also refused to turn on the light. This was one of the many ways she tortured herself.
The rise of the sun was still hours away but tonight she had him to occupy herself with.
Her mind was consumed with thoughts of him, him concerned, him smiling at her so fondly as they conversed, him lecturing and him that night.
As she repeated their conversation over and over again she found herself smiling unknowingly. She couldn't remember the last time she enjoyed talking to someone this much.
Then Beatrix's face popped up causing her smile to vanish. It was unfair. Why her? She didn't deserve him. Out of all people, it had to be her. Life truly hated Zoe.
Hopeless and drained out, Zoe abandoned both her bed and her room, intending to cool her head and peter out all her disturbing thoughts.
It seemed like she'd spend her night watching k-dramas and consuming unhealthy amounts of ice cream once again.
In a drunk state, she tried to carefully sneak downstairs without waking up her siblings.
On her way downstairs voices made her stop on her track. No-not voices. Moans.
Could it be...? Were Noah and her having sex just minutes after he left her room?
The images which flashed in her mind clogged her throat in envy, jealousy, and more hate.
She turned around out of curiosity to know where these noises were coming from—whether it was Beatrix who was moaning her lungs out or not, and found out the source was her father's room.
Rage, uncontrolled rage consumed her. Just like a veil it overlapped her from head to toe and began to eat her left brain cells alive.
The fear of witnessing Noah being intimate with another woman evaporating like water on a scorching summer day.
Without a doubt, her father was with her mother there. How could he?
In the last passing days, her mother surprisingly managed to stay home more than one night. The main cause being the fact that her best friend and her soon-to-be husband were staying over. Of course, her mother wanted to play the perfect little family. And her father allowed her!
The amount of anger she was feeling scared her. She was close to ripping the door open and demand that this woman leave.
Instead, she stormed downstairs and growled, tearless sobs tearing through her body.
"Why? Why? Why?" She began to talk to herself. There were times her words were directed to god but god never replied to her, maybe god had too much to worry about instead.
Why couldn't this woman just disappear?
Affected and rather controlled by her monstrous anger, she noticed the plate left on the table and threw it on the ground. She watched as the porcelain utensil shattered in pieces in slow motion and even after that she kept staring at the mess.
Her ragged breath slowed down after a few minutes and she glanced upstairs. She almost hoped the loud noise had made them two stop.
Noah was wrong. She was sure of that. There was nothing amazing in being a human.
After the last ounce of adrenaline and fury was sucked out of her body by time, she felt empty.
As she'd planned before, she stuffed herself in ice cream and beer, a terrible combination but everything related to her life choices was terrible. She watched Korean dramas after Korean dramas until she couldn't hear their disgusting moans anymore.
And as a peak of the sun was visible in the sky, her body finally gave out and she relaxed. She could finally sleep.
She didn't feel threatened in light.
It was 5 am. She didn't have to look at the clock to know. She'd gone through this routine over and over for years.
Not bothering to go to her room, she laid on the couch, and sleep immediately poisoned her.
✵✵✵
"You're going to pick Joel up after school today," Zoe informed her younger sister as she set the table the same morning.
"Not again. I have plans today." Luisa whined rather annoyingly, well at least to a sleepless Zoe it was annoying. "Why can't you pick him up?"
"Stop complaining. You're picking him up and that's it. I have work today, Luisa."
Luisa seemed far from pleased over the changing of plans, maybe that was the reason she even refused to eat the food Zoe woke up to make for her before she left for school.
"Eat your food. I made your favorite." Zoe almost pleaded.
"I don't want to." Were Luisa's parting words before she left.
This wasn't a good start at all.
"Good morning, pumpkin." Her unusually cheerful father stepped inside the dining room and took a seat, rubbing this palms together. "This looks delicious."
Her father looked rather clean today. He'd even shaved and hadn't drunk once, something that would change as soon as her lovely mother made her departure.
Her dad's behavior added fuel to her anger. Right now, this man in front of her was the last person she wanted to see or talk to but she refrained from leaving the room.
Because she wanted him to see how sad and disappointed his actions made her. How disappointed she was in him.
And what did he do? He ignored her.
"What are you doing dad?" Her voice came out softer and more defeated than she'd intended it to be.
"What do you mean?" He asked in between bites.
"She'll leave again. Dammit, why can't you just move on?" Zoe didn't like beating around the bush, unlike her father.
The man's shoulders tensed and it took him a while to respond. "People make mistakes, Zoe. No one is perfect. Why don't you try to forgive your mother at least? This anger of yours is unreasonable and childish."
Unbelievable. "I don't want to see her here anymore. Tell her to stop coming."
"This is my home." Her father raised his voice.
"Funny, I don't see you paying the living expenses here." Zoe seethed viciously, slamming her fist on the table.
Before her father could reply, Noah joined them in the room and everyone fell silent.
"Good morning." He greeted them with a carefree smile.
"Ah, good morning, son. Come, come. Zoe made breakfast."
Noah took a seat and if possible his smile grew bigger. "Is that so? I'm jealous, old man. I hope my daughter loves me enough to make me breakfast when the time comes."
Both males laughed, oblivious to Zoe's feelings.
"That's not going to be so far. From what I heard you'll be a married man soon." Her father patted Noah in the back. "Good luck."
Noah chuckled. "Yeah, Beatrix surely loves to rush things but I'm not complaining."
"Congratulation, Mr. Hayes." Zoe spit out without thinking.
"Thanks, sweets." He smiled.
A phone ringing broke the uncomfortable silence that followed and it turned out to be Zoe's.
"Hello, Miles."
"How's my favorite girl doing today?" A very happy-sounding Miles could be heard from the other side of the line.
"...Like shit. Why did you call?"
"There's a change of schedule. We need you here right now. I'll text you the address. Don't let me wait long, little bug." And with that, he hung up.
She looked at her phone in disbelief. Right now, going and having sex with someone for hours until Miles feels like he's finally recorded a good scene was the last thing she wanted to do.
She glanced at Noah briefly and the tiniest pang of guilt hit her right in the chest.
Why should she feel guilty? She wasn't his nor was she hers.
She planned to change that soon.
You're so stupid Zoe. Look at you, he'll never want nor desire someone like you.
"Who was it?" Her dad questioned.
"Work. I have to go. Have a good day." Zoe rushed to say before more questions could be asked.
"Have fun, Zoe." Noah lifted his empty plate. "And thank you for the delicious breakfast."
"You're welcome." And with that, she left the house and dived into her car.
At the same time, she felt like she could breathe again but she also dreaded the moment she had to turn into Blythe.
It was something that had to be done and it was what she exactly did once she stepped out of the car and arrived at her destination.
She put on her sunglasses, applied her makeup heavily so no one, who might know her out of her line of work, would recognize her, and changed into heels and a revealing outfit she very much hated to wear. She never wore anything similar on a daily basis. The fear of being recognized by someone else stopped her.
"You bastard! You were the one who convinced me this was a good idea! Before you fire me, I can fire myself! I don't need this job." Miles argued over the phone with who Blythe guessed was most likely Sawyer.
She stepped inside and made her way to Miles while smiling at a few people of the staff with who she'd worked several times.
"F*ck you, Sawyer." And she was right.
"Hello, Miles." She kissed his cheek after he was done talking to Sawyer. "What did Sawyer want?"
"Nothing. He was being Sawyer. Asking about your well-being." Miles scoffed. "I feel like I'm being paid to babysit you. It's quite insulting."
Zoe cracked in laughter. "I didn't know you weren't satisfied with your job, Miles."
"Are you kidding me?" The man smirked, bopping her nose playfully. "I get to see you have sex for free an incredible amount of times. I'll die a happy man, Blythe, I assure you. Now go get your ass into your uniform!"
Zoe gagged playfully. "Uniform?"
Miles nodded and gave her the script. "You'll be a private college student today. We're shooting a teacher/student scene."
Her mind instantly drifted to Noah. Apparently, her source of distraction was going to be something else other than her essays today. This was going to be fun.
"Alright, I'll be going."
"Oh and something else, Blythe. You aren't filming with Ice today."
She froze in her place and all her confidence and excitement for this shoot magically disappeared.
"What? She shrieked horrified. Why not?"
Miles scratched the back of his head with a sigh and just with that Zoe knew he was going to say something she'd not like.
"Babygirl, I understand that you have created a bond or whatever with Ice but he's in another shoot and you know that we can't only have you two together all the time. There'll be times where you'll have to shoot with other people."
She knew he was right but still it's been so long since she'd do the sex scenes with someone other than Ice. She felt the most comfortable with him. It's been like this for a long time. Just the two of them.
"I see. Who am I shooting with?" She stepped back defeated.
This time Miles smiled brightly. "You'll see. Now go get changed. Hurry!"
She obeyed and went to her dressing room to change into her clothes. A smile pulled at her lips as she saw the school uniform she was about to wear hanging on the door.
In all truth, she'd always wished to wear one of these during her high school days but sadly her school didn't have a high school uniform, and back then her bank account wasn't loaded either.
As she remembered those days, her determination to do this job grew more. She needed the money. She wasn't leaving without making sure her siblings had all the support needed to have a good and happy life.
With her newly found determination, she changed into her school uniform and stepped out. The sooner this was over, the better.
She spotted Miles communicating with a man who had his back turned to her. She assumed it was the guy she was shooting with.
While Miles explained to the guy whatever he was explaining, Zoe took the time to run her eyes over him.
The guy was tall, well built, and exactly the type of guy her company would hire. For a company that shot adult movies, they were quite picky with their actors.
What caught her attention were the tattoos covering both of his arms and neck, tattoos that seemed fairly familiar.
Where have I seen those?
"Little bug, come on. We're ready to start." Miles waved her over and she walked up to both males.
Her partner turned around and she gasped loudly. "Owen?"
Owen smiled brightly. "I take that you've seen my movies." He bowed down in front of her and took her hand in his, kissing the back of it. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Blythe. I'm a huge fan as well."
She opened and closed her mouth like a fish without water for a short amount of time which of course, to her, seemed to last longer.
"Who said I'm a fan of yours?"
Owen laughed. "Oh, so you aren't? I'm wounded."
She squinted and rubbed her eyes multiple times to make sure Owen was actually here and not a trick of her imagination.
She couldn't believe her eyes. The one and only Owen Hale! She was going to shoot an adult movie with her favorite adult movie actor. How many girls were THAT lucky?
"Okay, enough with the chit-chat. We're behind with the schedule so get on that classroom." Miles ordered while scrolling through his papers.
"Oh, wait! I haven't taken my pill. I'll go take it."
"Don't!" Owen sputtered way too quickly. "You won't need it."
Both she and Miles looked at Owen in uncertainty.
"As much as I'd like to see you try to excite this girl, we don't have time Owen. Plus, my little bug here is dryer than the Sahara.—Miles pointed at her crotch while saying so, If she didn't have a heart I'd mistake her for a robot."
Zoe scowled and snatched Mile's stack of papers to hit him right on his crotch.
The victim growled in pain. "I take it back. She doesn't have a heart."
Owen laughed. "She won't be dry after I'm done." Then he turned to Zoe with a serious expression on, all playfulness was gone. "You'll be alright with this, Blythe? You don't mind shooting with an older man, do you? Shooting with me? You can still decline."
She wanted to laugh at his question. She'd seen this man's scenes before he knew she existed. He was her favorite adult actor. It was a fantasy come true.
This was once in a lifetime chance. Better not miss it.
Afraid she'd reveal all her giddiness with her voice, she just nodded her head as a sign of yes.
"Great. We won't use any sex pills then."
Both Zoe and Miles were reluctant to accept but they eventually gave up on Owen's enthusiasm.
And before shooting started, when no one was looking, Owen stepped closer invading Zoe's personal space and making her breath hitch.
He cupped her jaw in his hand to make her look at him. "You said you weren't my fan, right?"
Zoe gulped down her lump of nervousness and nodded. "That's right."
The man's lips twitched and he bent down, resting his forehead against hers to make her a promise. "When we're done you'll be my number one fan."
AUTHOR'S NOTE.
What do you think of this book so far? Share your thoughts, babies?
Any favorite characters?
I believe it's been a while. How have you all been? Anything interesting going on with your lives?