Spencer spends both Monday and Tuesday night at my place. When I wish him good luck and kiss him goodbye on Wednesday morning, I didn't anticipate that he'd be leaving on a case right away.
"I don't know how long I'll be gone," Spencer says with a small sigh. "It's usually until we hit a dead end or find out who did it."
"Well, I'll be waiting for you when you get back," I tell him reassuringly.
He's quiet for a few seconds before I hear him sigh.
"What's wrong, Spence?"
He stutters a tiny bit as he tries to get his words out. "I... Well, it's just that..." He sighs again. "I'm just worried about leaving you alone."
"Spence, I'm okay. I'll be waiting for you, and we'll talk before bed every night. On your lunch break, whenever!" I try to say happily. "I'm fine with being alone."
"I meant that... if something happens to me."
"Spencer, nothing will happen to you. You've been in the Bureau for fifteen years and you're okay."
"I can't count the number of times on one hand that I've been shot, kidnapped, beaten, taken hostage. Allie, I got lucky. What if... what if I don't?"
"Honey," I sigh, running a hand through my hair. "I know you'll be safe."
"You're really okay by yourself til I get back?"
"I am, I promise. Plus, I've got Klaus. We'll see you when you get back."
I hear him chuckle. "I love you. The jet is about to leave, so I'll call you when I land."
"Okay, Spence. I love you."
We say our goodbyes and hang up.
Our phone calls over the week are quick during whatever free moment he gets and then at the very end of the day, just as he's getting ready to go to bed.
He does text me throughout the day when he doesn't have time to call.
I've gotten several.
'Thinking about you.'
'I love you, beautiful girl.'
'I saw a woman with rainbow hair today. No one can pull it off like you. I loved that hair, but I love it just as much now.'
The last one prompted a midnight hair session while talking to Spencer on the phone.
"Why are you up so late?" He asks. "Baby, it's nearly midnight there."
"I'm just doing some art," I shrug, taking another section of hair.
This qualifies as art, right? Sort of.
"Will you show me when I get back?"
A small giggle falls off of my lips. "Sure, Spence."
He laughs. "Mhm, I can't wait. I miss you."
"I miss you."
He came back on Tuesday night and crawled into bed with me, giving me quite a fright.
"What the hell? You scared the hell out of me," I sit up in bed, turning my bedside light on.
Spencer starts to apologize before he looks up at me. "Hey! Hey, you changed your hair!" The boy grins, sitting up. "Oh, babe, look at you..." Spencer reaches for my hair, combing his fingers through it. "Purple instead of pink this time, huh?"
"Purple is your favorite color," I shrug, giving him a tiny smile.
"It looks lovely," He says, still combing his fingers through the waves. "Oh! There's rainbow back here, too? In between two layers of purple?"
"Yeah, it's like a surprise. You can really see it when I put my hair up and there's different color strands."
"You did this yourself, then?" He asks me, raising an eyebrow at me. "How did you get it so straight?"
"Julie helped me section it, but I did the coloring."
"I love it," He smiles.
"Thanks," I giggle. "Hey, how did you get in?"
"Julie let me in," He says simply. "She's still up. If she wasn't, I would have picked the lock."
I just shake my head at him. "God, I missed you."
"I missed you. Let's talk more tomorrow, okay? I can tell how tired you are."
I don't argue with the idea, just nod and turn off the light before snuggling up to him.
"I love you, baby," Spencer whispers and plants a kiss on my forehead.
"I love you," I tell him, letting out a content sigh.
In the morning, my alarm goes off at six, just as it usually does.
Spencer groans as I turn it off and when I lay back down, he pulls me closer to him.
"I know you have to get ready for school, but... just give me a few more minutes to lay with you," He says without even opening his eyes to look at me.
I smile at him and run my fingers through his hair. It's messy from him tossing and turning last night.
He looks so gorgeous, even with bed head. His cute little nose and his plump lips...
Wow.
"I'm gonna ditch today," I tell him, getting him to open his eyes and look at me like I'm insane.
"You can't ditch," He shakes his head at me. "You have to go to school, babe."
"I can't, Spence, I'm sick," I fake a small cough. It's not even close to sounding like a real cough, so Spencer is quick to tell me that I'm not sick. "Aren't you a doctor? Here, feel my forehead."
He tries to hold back a grin as he brings the back of his hand to my forehead. "You're not even running a fever, silly."
"I'm gonna take off work, too! So we can spend today together," I tell him, grabbing my phone off of the nightstand to text my boss. "I know you have today off or you'd be gone by now."
"No," He tries to grab for it, but I hold it away from him. "No! Allie, you have to go to school and work," He says, sitting up in an effort to grab the phone from me. He reaches over and snatches it. "Ha!"
"You don't want me to spend the day with you!" I tell him, getting on my knees to grab it back from him. He moves it each time I try. "I see how it is!"
"No, I just want you to succeed!"
Somehow, in our fight for the phone, I end up sitting on his lap and pinning his hands above his head. Just as I'm about to take the phone, he drops it behind the bed.
"You didn't!" I scoff, looking down at him.
He squirms a little bit and makes his frog face, not looking back up at me. "Honey, could you get off?"
I let go of his wrists and hop off of him. "Shit, did I hurt you?" I ask him.
"No! No, I just... I was getting, um, riled up."
"Oh, do you want me to take care of it for you?" I ask him, reaching for his pants.
"No, honey, it's okay," He says, stopping my hand. "You don't always have to do that. Actually, you never have to."
"Is it getting old? Just blowjobs?" I frown at him, feeling guilty.
"It's not, Allie. I just... I don't want you to do it because you think you have to. I know you think you have to, and you really don't."
"But at least, this way, I'm getting you off somehow. I know it's not actual sex, but... still."
"It is, babe. I can live without sex, I really can. What goes through your mind when you...?"
"I just want to make you feel good, Spencer," I tell him with a shrug.
"I know, baby. You don't have to, though. Okay?"
I just nod and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Okay, Spence."
-
"Allie, what goes through your mind when Spencer is in the mood?" Wendy asks, crossing her legs and taking her glasses off. Her blonde hair is pulled into a neat side braid.
I think for a second. "I... I'm afraid he'll leave me if I don't take care of it for him."
"And why is that?" She questions.
"If he's not even getting actual, like-" I clap my hands together to signify sex. "And he's not even getting other things, then he'll get bored of me. Maybe he'll cheat on me, I don't know."
Wendy nods. "From what you've told me, he's carrying around an engagement ring, just waiting for the perfect moment to ask you. Does that sound like a man who is worried solely about sex?"
"I guess not," I nod, looking down at my lap.
"Have you told him you're seeing me yet?"
I shake my head. "No, I'm kind of worried that he'll think less of me."
"He did suggest that you see a therapist at one point, if I'm remembering correctly," She says simply. "Do you think he'd think less of you for taking his advice?"
I'm quiet for a few seconds. "No," I shake my head. She's really calling me out on my shit this time.
"There you go," She gives me a small smile. "Where do you tell him you're going when you come to therapy?"
"I don't. This is in between school and work, so... for all he knows, I'm at work right now."
"Where is he right now?"
"He's at work. He had a mandatory day off yesterday, so he spent it with me."
Wendy nods. "How are you fairing with him traveling for work?"
I let out a tiny sigh. "I miss him, but... I know he's happy doing this job. If he's happy, that makes me happy."
My phone buzzes on the side table next to my chair. Spencer's name flashes on the screen.
"Speaking of," I pick up the phone. "Do you mind?"
"Not at all," The woman smiles at me.
"Hey, Spence," I say into the phone, holding it up to my ear.
"Hi, honey. What are you up to?" He asks me.
"I'm actually waiting for a doctor's appointment right now," I tell him.
"Oh. A check up?"
"No," I shake my head. "I'm actually... I'm seeing a therapist."
Wendy gives me a smile and a thumbs up.
"Are you kidding? Baby, that's great. That's so great. I'm really proud of you," My boyfriend says, sounding genuinely happy.
I smile to myself. "Thanks. So, what's up? Are you traveling?"
"Unfortunately, yes. To Los Angeles," He says with a sigh. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, babe. It's your job," I chuckle. "Hey, I have to go. I'll talk to you later?"
"Okay, ma chérie. I love you so much."
"I love you, Spence."
We hang up and I look back up at Wendy. She claps her hands. "You told him!"
"I did!" I say happily, feeling proud of myself.
He was genuinely happy. He even said he was proud of me. Hearing him say that felt amazing.
As I finish up my session with Wendy, an idea pops into my brain. To surprise him in L.A. I'm sure I could find a cheap ticket there.
While on my lunch break at work, I look up plane tickets and find a one way ticket for late tonight for only sixty bucks. I don't even think it through before buying the ticket. It was completely impulsive. I tell my boss before I leave that I'll be taking the next two days off and that I'll see him on Monday.
When I leave work, I head home and pack as quickly as I can, bringing anything that I think I might need. I've never been to Los Angeles.
The wait for the flight is long and drawn out, but once I'm on the plane, it seems to go quick. I land at one in the morning and decide to call Emily.
"Allie? Is everything okay?" She asks, sounding wide awake.
"Everything is more than okay! I just wanted to know what hotel you guys were staying at? And Spencer's room number?"
She chuckles. "You're surprising him? He'll be so happy. He felt terrible for leaving you again. I'll text you the address and his room number."
"Thanks, Emily. I really appreciate it," I tell her.
"No problem," Emily says happily.
Once I hang up with her and her text comes through, I grab an Uber with the address and get there in no time.
When I get to his room, I knock on the door and wait a minute before knocking again. I hear a quiet groan before the lock turns and the door opens.
The annoyed look on Spencer's face fades as soon as he registers that it's me. His eyes light up and a big smile takes over his lips.
"What are you doing here?" He asks, pulling me into a hug. "Oh, my god. You're here."
"Did I surprise you?" I ask, giving him a tight squeeze.
"I thought that Emily was gonna be at the door to tell me we had to go back to the station," He chuckles, pulling away slightly. He looks down at me with a smile. "I'm so glad it was you. Come in, babe." He takes my bag from me and steps aside to let me into the room.
"Were you sleeping?" I step inside and look around, finding the covers on the bed still in place. They're only a bit messed up. His phone sits out on top of the bed.
"No, not yet. I couldn't get ahold of you, so... I didn't want to go to sleep until I did. I was, um, I was reading the news," He walks in front of me and lifts my bag onto the bed, opening it up. As he does, my eyes land on a tiny bottle of lotion on the night stand.
Hold on.
Lotion.
My eyes travel to his crotch, finding a prominent bulge.
"Spencer Reid, were you masturbating?" I try to bite back a smile.
Spencer looks over at me, eyes wide. He looks like a deer in headlights. "I... yes," The boy says, his cheeks turning a light pink color.
I snicker and head for his phone, snatching it. "Alright, I wanna see what freaky shit you're looking up on Pornhub!"
I enter his passcode and the phone unlocks to reveal a photo of me. It's old, from his birthday. When we were about to take a bath together and he snapped some nude photos of me.
"Spencer!" I coo, looking up at him. "This is of me. You were masturbating to me?"
He gives me a shy nod, not even looking up. He's taking stuff out of my suitcase and putting it away in the dresser. "I... I always feel terrible if I watch porn. Even though you said that you don't care, I just... I feel guilty and... strange."
I give him a sad smile and hop off of the bed, sliding in front of him as takes more stuff out of my suitcase to the dresser. "So, how does making our own video sound to you? Or even your own personal Allie catalogue?"
He stares back at me in disbelief, his lips parted slightly. I can tell by his furrowed brow that he's trying to process what I just offered him.
"You... you want to record us having sex?"
I give him a shrug and a nervous laugh escapes my throat. "I don't know! I think it'd be cool!"
Spencer reaches around me and sets the clothes down, smiling big. "We could give it a shot sometime in the future."
"I'm gonna hold you to it, Dr. Reid. But as for your situation right now..." I hook a finger in one of his belt loops, pulling him toward me. "What should we do about it?"
-
After another pass from Spencer and a quick shower together, we head to bed.
"Thank you," He says softly as we lay in the dark. His arm is draped across my waist. "For coming to see me."
"Yeah, Spence. I just hope I'm not intruding," I tell him, hugging my pillow.
I feel him shake his head. "No, you never could be."
Another pass on having me get him off, and when he was in the midst of it anyway? My mind wanders into dark halls of thought, places it shouldn't roam. He's not attracted to me anymore, he's bored of me, he's cheating on me...
Once I feel like he's gone to sleep, I head to the restroom and look at myself in the mirror, critiquing everything I see. Maybe it's because I changed my hair? Is it because I haven't gained all of the weight I lost back yet?
I rest my hands on the counter and lean into the mirror, analyzing every feature of my face. The shape of my nose, my lips, my eyes...
Maybe he wants someone different. Maybe... he just fell out of love with me. Tears gather in my eyes as I stare back at my reflection, backing myself up to the wall to take in the view of myself. Maybe he doesn't see me the way that he used to.
"Al?" I hear and turn my head to see Spencer poking his head into the restroom. "What are you doing, baby?"
I wipe my cheeks really quick, turning away from him to do it. "Nothing, nothing, I just-"
"You're crying," He says, stepping the rest of the way in. "What's wrong?" The boy makes his way over to me, resting his hand on my shoulder.
"Spence, I... it's nothing," I shake my head, not looking up at him. "Really, it's nothing."
"Don't do that, don't... say that it's nothing. Don't close yourself off from me," He frowns at me, concerned brown eyes looking over every inch of my face. "Please. Tell me what's going on."
"You've pushed me away twice," I shrug. "And... I just keep thinking that maybe you're not attracted to me anymore. Or maybe that... you're bored or... you're with someone else."
"Honey, it's none of those things. And with someone else? You think that I'm cheating on you?" He asks softly, tucking some hair behind my ear. "Allie, there is nobody else. There will never be anyone else."
He rests his forehead on mine and cups my cheeks. "Honey, do you remember what I told you about how I don't want you to feel like this is something you have to do?"
I nod slightly. "Yeah."
"I really think that you believe you have to give me oral and... anything else you can think of. You don't, Allie. Even if what happened to you weren't a factor in this, it wouldn't matter how long we went without sex or forms of it," He pulls away, still holding my head in his hands. "I'm in this relationship for you, because I love you. Not for your body, not for sex. I'm with you because I want to experience life with you. I want to wake up with you and go to sleep with you. I just want to exist with you beside me."
More tears build up in his eyes. "That's what I want, too. I'm sorry, I just... my mind automatically goes to the worst possible scenarios."
Spencer shakes his head and uses his thumbs to swipe away tears as they roll down my cheeks. "Don't be sorry, Al. I understand, I do."
"Let's go back to bed," I gesture toward the door.
He presses a quick kiss to my lips. "Okay. I love you so much, you know that?"
"I know. I love you, Spence."
-
The three days go by awfully slowly. I'm cooped up in the hotel room for the entire time. Spencer asked me to stay in until he'd caught the guy. When he came back, though... he'd seemed distant.
"What happened to your hand?" I ask him, gently grabbing his right arm to take a look at the bandage wrapped around his hand.
"I had to tear myself out of some duct tape with broken glass and... I got cut. It's nothing big," He shrugs.
"You were tied up? Babe," I sigh, helping him out of his suit jacket. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Allie. I'm okay, I just... I wanna go to bed. Our plane leaves at ten tomorrow, then we have Rossi's wedding on Sunday. You still want to go with me?"
I'd forgotten about Rossi's wedding. He asked me when we first got back together.
"Of course I do," I tell him, giving him a concerned look. I start to undo his tie and he looks down at me with sad eyes.
Spencer wraps his arms around me without warning, pulling me tight against him. "I'm sorry, I just... Ive had a really terrible day." He says into my ear before burying his face in my neck.
I wrap my arms around his center, holding him tightly. "I've got you, Spence. It's okay."
"Al, JJ told me that she loved me today," He says softly. "And... I don't know if she meant it or if she was only saying it to distract the unsub, but... it's fucking me up."
A sick feeling swirls around my stomach. "Oh," I pull back to look up at him. "And... you feel like that for her, then?"
Spencer shakes his head. "No, I don't. I haven't since... fuck, fourteen years ago? I had a stupid crush on her, but... no, I don't feel like that about her. I'm with you, I love you."
"That doesn't mean that you don't love her, Spencer. I mean, you have a history. You've been in the trenches together. Maybe there's-"
"She's my friend, that's it," He assures me, probably knowing that I'm about to start spiraling... again. "I don't have any underlying romantic feelings for her. She's like my sister."
I bring my hands back to his tie. "So... was her telling you that what made the day terrible?"
Spencer nods. "That and almost dying," The boy sighs, stopping my hands as I finally undo his tie all the way. "You know what? Don't undress me. Let's go out and do something."
"It's late, Spence. Nothing is open," I look up at him with an amused grin.
"You're right," He nods. "What about the pier?"
I just chuckle and nod. "Okay, that sounds fun."
I get us an Uber to the pier and once we're there, walk all the way to the end, past closed shops and rides. We pass by a few people, but the place is mostly empty.
Spencer and I lean against the railing, looking off into the distance. There's a cool breeze off of the ocean.
"I love you so much," He says out of nowhere after a few minutes of silence.
I look over at him, meeting his gaze. A smile takes over my lips. "I love you, too. So, so much."
"Allie," He says before letting out a tiny sigh and taking my hands. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I tilt my head to the side, confused.
"For anything and everything I've ever said or done that has hurt you. For... taking this job back," He tells me. "I was thinking about you today while I had a gun pointed at me. How... I could have kissed you goodbye this morning for the last time."
"Spence, this job-"
He cuts me off. "Makes me happy," He finishes for me. "I know, but... you make me happier. I thought about how you must feel every time I go to work. There's no sense of... routine. I could be gone for days or weeks whenever I go on a case. There's no guarantee when you give me a kiss goodbye that... you'll get another one."
Sure, I've thought about this stuff. I've thought about how terrifying his job really is. But it's what he does. He loves it. I'd never want to take it away from him.
"I... I don't want to do this job anymore. I don't want you worrying that I won't come home."
I look up at him, biting at my bottom lip as I try to figure out what to say.
"Spencer, we've talked about this before. Yeah, it's hard saying goodbye to you when you leave, but I get through it. You know how?"
He shakes his head at me.
"Because I know that your team doesn't go into situations blindly. You know who and what you're dealing with whenever you go to catch these guys. I know that you know what you're doing," I tell him, bringing my hands up to his face. "I want to know, though, are you only saying that you want to leave because of the JJ situation? Was that a big factor in it?"
He doesn't answer and breaks eye contact with me. He rests his hands on my arms and pulls my hands away from his face, opting instead to hold hands with me.
"Spence, I know that you can work this out. Don't give up your job for this."
Spencer shrugs. "But would you be disappointed if I chose to leave?"
"Of course not," I assure him. "I'll support you no matter what, babe."
He gives me the tiniest grin and wraps his arms around my waist, squeezing me tight. "What would you do, Al? If you were me?"
I hug him back, resting my head on his shoulder. "If I were you? Well, I'd think about the situation like a profiler. Maybe think about... what's been going on in her life to make her stray from the relationship she's in? I don't know, I-"
"Allie, that's it," He pulls back, holding me an arm's length away.
"I just, I'd figure that maybe things aren't going well with Will lately, so... she's projecting her feelings for him onto you because of how close you two are? Maybe she's looking for comfort and she finds it in you?"
He presses a kiss to my cheek. "You are so smart," The boy rests his forehead on mine. "You're so, so smart. Why didn't I think of it that way?"
I chuckle and rest my hands on his waist. "Because you're thinking too hard. You need to give that big brain a rest sometimes."
"Maybe you're right."