ANGST ANGST ANGST aNgsT AnGsT
MWA HA HA H A H A H A
Words — 5,312
hAvE fUn
TRIGGER WARNINGS : attempted suicide, self harm, fighting, swearing, homophobia, depression, anxiety, anorexia, PTSD, bipolar disorder, compulsive liar disorder, mental/verbal/physical abuse, slapping, attempted murder, panic attacks, death, mental hospital setting, Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease
~~FLASHBACK TO SUMMER BETWEEN FRESHMAN AND SOPHOMORE YEAR~~
Virgil POV
I forced my eyes open, cringing at the sunlight flickering through a window. Where am I?
I moved, trying to force myself upwards on my elbows. I grimaced, pain shooting through my neck when I moved it.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Said a voice. "Your gonna make the cut worse."
"Wh-where am I?" I asked once I complete opened my eyes. My throat is hurting horribly. I was laying in a small cot, a weird beeping hospital machine thingy next to me.
"Hell," Answered the guy with a laugh that wasn't really in a joking manner.
I was in a small room; tile floors, white walls, two windows, a bed similar to mine across from me, two chairs and a small round table, and a door. That was it.
I turned to see someone. He was lounging in one of the chairs, looking at bunch of papers on a clipboard. He had dark brown hair and brown eyes and wearing some sort of hospital patient scrubs.
"I wouldn't talk either, or your gonna make the cut worse." He told me.
"What?" I asked. He dropped the clipboard on the table and looked over at me.
"You deaf or something?" He asked. "I said don't talk or your gonna hurt yourself."
"Where am I?" I asked again, ignoring what he told me. I don't really give two flying fucks about my personal safety.
"The New Dawn Mental Hospital." He answered. "Aka Hell." The panic started to set in now. I didn't want to have an attack right now, so I tried to distract myself.
"Like...like an...asylum?." I whispered, realizing why I was here. I raised my hand to my neck and ran my hand over the bandage. I looked down at my bandaged up wrists.
"Yeah, I guess so. I mean, it's technically a mental hospital, but Warden Hargreaves sure does like some not so approved of techniques to cure us."
"Oh," Was all I could say as the reality of his situation set in. I'm stuck in a mental hospital. An actual mental hospital. They think I'm crazy...
"Your a suicide attempt survivor," He said blatantly. "I read your file thingy." He said, picking the clipboard again. "And man, do you have a lot of issues. Sorry, that was rude. But damn; depression, anxiety, PTSD, anorexia, suicidal thoughts and actions. You got more issues than me and that's saying something."
"Why are you here?" I asked, pushing the blanket off me and swinging my feet over the side. I didn't like him talking about my issues like that. I didn't even know I have half of those disorders anyways.
"Nothing really, but I'm a compulsive liar and bipolar and I have rich parents willing to pay anything to make me normal." He explained. "Guess I don't really have that many issues than I guess." He added with a shrug.
"Sorry." Was all I could mumbled out as my throat started closing on me. My vision spun a bit and I stopped breathing.
"No no no no no no no no no." I mumbled, falling over and curling up. I started hyperventilating and shaking.
"Oh shit, what are you doing? Are you okay?" Asked the guy. He stood up and walked over to me, looking at me in concern.
"P-Panic...attack..." I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes.
"Shit, can I help in any way?" He asked. He put his hand on my shoulder causing me to flinch horribly.
He pulled away from me. I dug my finger nails into my hands, almost making my palms bleed.
"P-please...no touch..." I mumbled, shutting my eyes. I tried to focus on my breathing and calm down. The guy moved away and returned to sitting in the chair.
It took me a lot longer than usual, but eventually I calmed down. I took a deep breath and slowly pushed myself back up. I was exhausted after that.
"You okay now?" He asked. I nodded, despite the fact I was still shaking.
He came over and sat next to me on the bed. He still had concern in his eyes.
"I'm terrified to be here." I whispered.
"Hey it's okay, I got your back here." He told me.
"Can we be friends?" I asked.
"Yeah." He answered with a smile. "Damian Fey." He told me while holding his hand out to me. I took it and shook his hand.
"I'm Virgil Pierce." I told him, smiling gently back at him.
-•-
Virgil POV
"Damian..." I breathed out between kisses.
"Yes babe?" He asked, before capturing my lips in another kiss. We were clinging tightly to each other. I had my arms around Damian's waist. He had me pushed up against the wall, one hand in my hair, the other on the crook of my neck.
"We're gonna get caught." I mumbled. We were hiding in a storage closet so we wouldn't get yelled at for making out. Dating was strictly against rules here.
"Shhh...don't worry." He told me before kissing me again. "I won't let anything bad happen to you."
Damian moved his lips down my jawline and started kissing my neck where his hand once was. I shuddered at the feeling, trying to bite back a breathy moan as he found my sweet spot with eased practice.
Suddenly the door swung open, thudding against the wall. I let out a scream and practically jumped into Damian's arms as fear coursed through my body.
Damian glared at whoever it was that interrupted us, wrapping his arms around me protectively.
"Alright lovebirds, break it up." Said Nurse Ash as she put her hand on her hip. Both of us sighed in relief.
Nurse Ash was the full time nurse for Damian and I's room. She quickly found out about our relationship when she found us sleeping together in my bed one morning when she came to get us for breakfast.
She was completely chill with it and promised to not tell anyone. She said she 'shipped' us and did everything she could to make sure no one else found out.
She was also super friendly and told us all about her girlfriend back home. She had learned how to understand Damian when he started speaking in lies, she helped me a lot with panic attacks and was super gentle towards me when it came to my...suicidal tendencies.
"Oh come on, can't me and Virgil make out privately?" Asked Damian while rolling his eyes.
"Well Warden Hargreaves is looking for you Damian and he's not too happy with what you did to the main hall." She told us. Damian liked to cause trouble a lot because he knew Warden Hargreaves couldn't really do anything to him since his parents gave this place a shit ton of money.
"Well, guess it's time to go face that idiot." Mumbled Damian. "I'll see you at lights out my nightingale." He kissed the top of my head before heading out of the storage closet.
"C'mon Virgil," Said Nurse Ash. "Time to take your meds."
"Whyyyy?" I sighed. I hated taking my meds.
"You know you have to so don't even try to argue." She said, motioning me to follow her. I sighed but followed her back to my room.
She opened the door and held it open for me to walk in. I walked into the room and flopped down onto my bed.
She set a cup with two white pills, a red pill, and a blue and white pill on the little table by my bed. I grabbed the pills and quickly dry swallowed them.
"I can't tell if you two are stupid or just being more reckless now," Said Nurse Ash. "Because you know that if Warden Hargreaves catches you two, he'll separate you two before you can even apologize for it."
"I know, I know, trust me," I said. "We can't help it though."
"Just be careful," She said. "I'd hate for either of you two get in trouble."
The intercom system crackled to life, causing me to flinch a little at the sudden noise.
"...Attention staff and patients...lights out will be in five minutes..." Said someone over the intercom. Then it shut back off.
"Alrighty Virgil, I'll see you tomorrow morning." Nurse Ash said cheerfully. I smiled to her and waved. She waved back before walking out of the room.
I closed my eyes, relishing in the silence. I took a deep breath as the meds kicked it and started making me sleepier.
The door opened gently. I turned to see Damian walk into the room. He shut the door, turned off the lights and headed over to me.
He flopped down on top of me, causing me to let out a grunt. He let out a long sigh.
"So what punishment this time?" I asked.
"I have to clean up the cafeteria after every meal for the next week." He told me with a sigh.
"I'd sneak in and help, but that makes me too anxious." I said with a laugh.
"Don't worry yourself about me, I'll be fine." He told me while rolling over so that I was lying on his chest. He placed a kiss of top of my head, making me smile a bit.
Damian turned onto his side and pulled the covers over top of us. He kissed the top of my head again.
He spooned me, making me sigh in content. I wish things could stay happy like this, but of course that's too good to be true.
-•-
"Come on Virgil," Nurse Ash pleaded with me. "Its just your parents. They just want to visit and talk to you."
"I don't want to talk to them," I hissed out, wrapping my arms even tighter around myself if that was even possible.
"Why not?"
"I. Hate. Them." I said lowly, glaring up between my bangs at Nurse Ash. She sighed and shook her head.
"They care about you," She told me gently. "They just want to check up on you."
"Bullshit."
"Now we do not use that kind of langue," She said sternly, placing her hands on her hips.
"Virge, please, baby, honey, my nightingale," Damien said from where he was lounging in one of the plush chairs. "Please just got talk to you parents so we can spend time together."
"No," I muttered, covering face with my arms and knees.
"Virgil, get out of the corner," Nurse Ash told me.
"No," I repeated, shoving myself farther into the corner.
"What will get you to go visit them?"
"Damien comes."
"That can't happen," Nurse Ash told me.
"Please," I begged her.
"Fine," She sighed, rubbing her temples. "Damien can wait in the viewing room with me."
"Thank you," I breathed. Damien walked over to me and helped me out of the corner. I was shaking pretty badly.
I do NOT want to see Mom and Dad. At all. I don't want them to yell at me for all this. Or tell me about how Evangeline is doing. I want them to just leave me alone. But no, they have to because I'm apparently stable enough to see family.
I followed Nurse Ash down the hallway, Damien sticking close to my side. His fingers kept brushing against mine, our special way of holding hands in the hallway.
I paused outside of the door to, what the patients called at least, the judging room. Where you can see family and friends from the outside world. Where they get to judge you for whatever reason why your here.
Nurse Ash motioned to the door and than headed with Damien into a small room next to it. There was a one way mirror for Nurses and security to watch in case something happened.
I stepped into the room, shutting the door behind me. Big bright windows allowed the mid-day sun into the room. They overlooked on of the hospitals many gardens.
The room was decorated in a way that reminded me kinda of a hipster coffee shop, so to say. Tables, chairs, sofas, ottomans, and other plush furniture filled the room. The floor here was actually carpeted. Soft lights filtered down from the ceiling instead of the bright white lights of the rest of the hospital. Here it smelled like cookies.
A security guard stood next to the door I entered through. He was there in case things escalated between a patient and who they were seeing.
Mom and Dad were sitting at one of the tables near the center of the room. I slowly picked my way over to them and sat down across from them.
Dad looked like shit. His hair was greasy, there were circles under his eyes, and he obviously hadn't shaved recently. Mom's eyes were red and her face was blotchy.
"Hi Virgil," She said softly. "How are you doing?"
"Cut to the chase," I said probably a little too harshly based on how Mom's eyes filled with tears. "Why are you here?"
"Something happened to your sister..." Mom started before bursting into tears.
"What happened to Evangeline now?" I mumbled with a sigh. Evangeline is my little sister. She's only nine.
But she has something called Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease. It's extremely rare, untreatable, and quite possibly deadly. It's a degenerative brain disorder that can cause dementia, delusions, difficulty speaking, and muscle spasms. Along with many other things, but that's what mostly affects her.
She has her good days when she'll talk to people and act almost normal. She's the sweetest little girl ever. But than she'd have her bad days where she'd scream at nothing and jerk and spasm and seize. She'd have to spend days on end in hospitals.
"She's dead." Dad said blatantly. Those two words hit me like a bag of bricks.
"Wh-What?" I stuttered out, tears already filling my eyes.
"She's dead idiot," Dad growled, anger flaring in his eyes.
"How?" I chocked out.
"It killed her...it killed her...it took her from us... she's gone now...the doctors couldn't save her." Mom cried, her entire body shaking with sobs.
"Will you shut up woman?" Dad said lowly. "You're making a fucking fool of yourself and of me."
"Henry...Evangeline is dead. Your daughter...died. Don't you care?" Mom sobbed, putting her hands on his arm. He shoved her off.
"No, because now she isn't eating me out of house and home with all those god damn hospital bills and treatments," Dad said, on the verge of yelling. "She was a fucking disappointment and mistake. Now I only have to deal with my fucked up son now. God, why couldn't I have had any normal children?!"
I flinched, feeling the walls closing around me. I was going to panic. I need out. I need out of here.
"She was your daughter!" Mom yelled at him. Dad slammed a fist down on the table, making both Mom and I jump.
"She was my mistake!" Dad yelled back. I need out. I need out. I can't breath. Help.
I slowly started getting up, just wanting to remove myself from this conversation before I panicked or broke down in tears.
Evangeline is dead. Dead. Actually gone. I thought she would make it.
"Sit down boy!" Dad yelled, grabbing me by the front of my shirt and pulling me back down into the chair. I yelped in surprise and started shaking. "I'm not done talking to you."
"Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down or I'm going to have to escort you from the premises." The guard said, slowly walking towards the table.
Dad smiled a sickly sweet smile and let go of my shirt. I slumped backwards into the chair.
"Sorry," Dad said, standing up. "It's just my ungrateful piece of shit son!" He yelled, slapping me across the face. "I am so fucking glad that Evangeline is dead! And I can't wait till you are too! Why couldn't you haven't done a better job and just killed yourself?!" He hit me again, sending me flying out of my chair.
"Sir!" Yelled the guard, coming over and restraining him. "I'm going to need you to come with me." I will never forget the face of pure rage and hatred Dad had as he was forced out of the room by the guard.
I curled up and started sobbing. I was shaking horribly. My vision went blurry and I couldn't see anymore.
I faintly felt someone touching me, bringing me back to reality.
I forced myself to look at who it was. It was Damien. I hugged tightly onto him and buried my face in his chest. He rubbed my back. The two of us watched as Nurse Ash helped my obviously shocked Mom out.
"It's okay," Damien mumbled. "You'll be okay. That wasn't your fault. You're safe."
-•-
Tears were streaming down my face and I was shaking. I was curled up in the corner of the communal bathroom.
The urges had returned. The urges to hurt myself. To shatter the mirror and slit my wrists with the glass shards.
Evangeline was dead now. It would be lovely to just die and join her in the afterlife.
I've only been here for two months. I need Damian. I can't do this anymore. I need help. Where's Damian?
I let out a chocked sob. I hate these urges. I hate the feeling of worthlessness that will only go away if I hurt myself. The few times this has happened before, Damian had been with me to help.
But no, right now he's cleaning up the cafeteria. I can't do this by myself. I needed him.
This is one of those times that I really wish we were allowed to have phones in here. I need my music. It would distract me. I need Damian.
I sobbed as the urges got stronger. I dug my finger nails into my arms, trying to sedate the urges.
Damian doesn't care about you
He never loved you
He's just lying
He's just using you
You don't matter to anyone
You don't matter to him
Cut yourself
Kill yourself
Smash the mirror and slit your throat again
Maybe this time you'll actually bleed out and die
Slit your wrists already
You deserve it freak
No one cares about you anyways
No one will miss you
I quickly jumped to my feet and grabbed the soap tray on the sink. I threw it at the mirror repeatedly, shattering it.
I grabbed a shard and returned to being curled up in the corner. I looked down at my scarred up wrists in anger.
What's a few more scars anyways?
I pressed the shard against my wrist and quickly pulled it across. I relished in the pain, watching as blood start sleeping out of the cut.
I quickly added a few more cuts. Blood was dripping down my forearm and onto the bathroom floor.
"Holy fucking shit." Breathed a voice. I looked up to see a random guy standing there. He was wearing patient scrubs so at least it wasn't a doctor, but fear still coursed through me.
"I'm gonna go get a doctor." The guy mumbled, wide eyed.
"No! Please don't!" I yelled after him but he didn't stop running. Panic started to set in. They'd lock me in the isolation ward for a week for doing this. I can't go back there.
I quickly ran out of the bathroom. My vision was spinning from the blood loss and my breathing was labored from the anxiety setting in.
"Come back here!" Yelled someone. I tuned to see three doctors headed down the hallway towards me. I stumbled a bit as the panic got worse. No no no no no no no no no
"Security! Grab him!" Yelled Warden Hargreaves. I screamed and backed against a wall as security guards cams running down the hall towards me.
Than, I spotted Damian out of the corner of my eye. I turned quickly to see him headed down the hallway towards our room.
"Damian!" I screamed as I quickly shot up and sprinted down the hall towards him. He turned in confusion.
I ran into him, shaking horribly and sobbing. Damian looked between me and the guards and doctors that were still chasing after me.
The guards grabbed me by the arms and dragged me backwards off of Damian. Damian instantly had a look of rage on his face.
"Hey! Let him go!" He yelled while trying to push past the doctors to get to me. "Don't touch him!" Guards restrained Damian but allowed him to watch.
Warden Hargreaves came up besides me with a large syringe. He sighed and held up my cut up wrist.
"And to think you were getting better," He muttered. "I think you need to spend some time in isolation."
"No! I'm sorry! Please!" I screamed and the guards held me still. Warden Hargreaves grabbed the top of my head and pushed it so that my neck was exposed.
"No...please..." I mumbled, shaking horribly. Warden Hargreaves jabbed the needle into the side of my neck. I screamed out in pain.
Warden Hargreaves stepped back. I looked up at Damian as my vision started to spin. My legs gave out from under me and I sagged in the guards arms.
"Damian..." I whispered right before my vision went black.
-•-
"Let's go." Warden Hargreaves said in a gruff voice. "Time for you to return to your regular room and schedule."
I looked over at him in fear. I was shaking pretty badly. I hated this room. The padded walls, the bright white lights, the tiny white cot against the wall, the large metal door.
"Let's go now," He added in an annoyed tone. "Or you can spend another week in here."
Instantly, I jumped up and headed out of the room. I followed Warden Hargreaves out of the isolation wing and back into the main part of the hospital. I absentmindedly ran my hand over the bandage over my cut up wrist anxiously.
It still stung, but that was probably because they wouldn't give me painkillers for them. Which was surprising considering how deep I cut.
I was excited to see Damian but also nervous. What if he lost his cool and did something bad while I was away? What if got hurt or in trouble because of me? What if he was angry and disappointed in me for doing this? What if he hated me now? What if he wanted to break up?
Due to my racing thoughts, I hadn't realized that we had reached my room.
"Virgil!" Said a cheery voice. "It's good to have you back!" I turned to see Nurse Ash as she flashed a big smile at me.
I smiled a bit, feeling better that at least she didn't seem disappointed in me. She came and stood next to Warden Hargreaves.
"Listen here Virgil, and listen well." Said Warden Hargreaves. "If we have any more mishaps like this, we will have to move you permanently into the isolation wing."
I flinched heavily and nodded quickly. Dark thoughts about have to stay in that room for the rest of the time I was here.
"Good, glad to see you at least understand that." He muttered. He quickly turned and headed away. Nurse Ash turned to me with a sympathetic look.
"I'll let you and Damian have some time alone right now." She said gently. "He's been loosing his mind without you." I nodded and turned towards the door.
I peeked through the small window to see Damian sitting on one of the chairs while looking out the window. I couldn't see his face from here.
I took a deep breath and opened the door. Damian turned at the noise but stopped when he saw me. He looked at me in shock as tears filled his eyes.
"Hi..." I mumbled awkwardly, shutting the door behind me.
Suddenly, Damian shot up out of the chair and tackled me in a hug. He was crying and holding me tightly.
"Please don't do that ever again." He sobbed, pressing kisses to my entire face. "Please don't hurt yourself. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you. I love you. I can't loose you. Please don't cut. I was so scared and worried for you."
"It's okay, I'm right here." I told him gently. I hugged him back tightly. He sobbed into my neck which was kinda awkward considering how much taller he was compared to me.
"Promise me you'll never hurt yourself again." He asked. "Promise me Nightingale." He looked at me with a pleading look.
"I won't do it again." I lied. "Promise."
-•-
I tapped my fingers anxiously against the window sill. Damian had returned home for the week due to it being his birthday, so I haven't seen him in a week.
He was coming back today and I couldn't be more excited to see him again. I only had a month left here. I got to leave this place once school started back up as long as I stayed in therapy.
I wanted to spend as much time with Damian as possible before I had to go home. We had promised to call each other every day, but we both knew it wouldn't be the same.
Suddenly, the door opened. I jumped and turned with a big smile to see Damian. My smile faltered a bit and turned to a concerned frown when I saw his face.
"So you think I'm ugly now too." He huffed, dropping his bag on his bed.
"What-no!" I said quickly, standing up and walking over to him. I grabbed his cheek and made him look at me. My eyes trailed down the left side of his face taking the scars in.
There was a long red scar trailing from the corner of his mouth, up his cheek bone and to his ear. Long uneven scars went around his eye.
"What happened?" I asked, unable to keep the anger out of my voice. "Who did this to you?"
Damian sighed and tears filled his eyes. He sat down on the bed. I sat next to him and pulled his head into my lap. I ran my fingers through his hair and he cried.
"My...father..." He whispered after a while. I sighed, all too familiar with having an abusive father. "I told my parents about you and my father...he..." He stopped mid sentence as he started sobbing again. "He cut me...with a kitchen knife...across my face...around my eye...told me he wouldn't raise a gay son...that I was even more of a disappointment now... Virgil...he tried...he tried to kill me."
"What?!" I screamed, rage filling me. Hitting is one thing, stabbing is a whole other thing, but trying to murder your child is takes it to a whole other level.
"He kept...stabbing me in the face and than he...he...stabbed me in the chest," Damien cried. "He only got the blade in like a centimeter, but still, he tried to kill me..."
"I'm so so so so sorry Damien," I told him. I peppered his face with kisses.
"I'm such a disappointment that my own dad wants me dead," Damien mumbled, his voice cracking with tears.
"You are not a disappointment." I told him gently. "And you are not ugly now. I still love you. No scar will change that. You love me despite all my scars."
I tried to remain calm but a rage filled me for his father. I hated that Damian's father did this too him.
Damian turned and looked up at him. His eyes seemed cold. He wasn't the same anymore...
"Love you too Nightingale..."
-•-
"I'm just trying to help you!" I screamed at Damian.
"I don't want your fucking help!" He screamed back.
"Why not?!"
"Because your just being a whiny baby!" He yelled. "You getting so anxious about everything I do isn't helpful! You don't control me!"
"I'm sorry I don't want you getting hurt or in trouble!"
"You don't control me!" He repeated, even louder this time.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled, trying to keep tears at bay.
"No your not!" He yelled.
"Please stop yelling." I begged, my anxiety starting to heighten.
"Stop being such a damn baby!"
"I'm not trying to! I can't help it!"
"God your so annoying!"
"Why is me being worried so annoying?!"
"Because this is all you do! You panic! You cry! You hurt yourself!" Damian screamed. "It's all you do! You don't try to get better! So why should I let you tell me to get better when you won't even do the same for yourself?!"
"Because I love you!" I screamed. "I don't care about myself but I care about you! You've been the first person in a long time that's actually given a shit on wether I lived or not! I'm sorry I want to help you and protect you!"
"Just leave me alone!" He yelled, causing me to flinch a little.
"Why can't you act normal?!" I slapped my hand over my mouth when I said that. I crossed a line.
Damian turned to me with rage in his eyes. I backed away from him.
"I didn't mean it...Damian..I'm sorry." I tried to tell him.
Before I knew what was happening, Damian raised his hand and smacked me across the face. The impact sent me to the floor. I clutched me cheek in fear in and pain.
"I never should've loved you!" Damian screamed before turning and storming out of the room.
Those words cut deep. I fell over onto my side sobbing. This wasn't the first time we argued, but he's never hit me before.
He was different after his father hurt him. He was cold, angry a lot. He lost control over his emotions a lot easier now.
Usually he'll snap out of it if I start crying He'll apologize profusely and promise he'll never do it again. Than he'll only call me his Nightingale for a few hours afterward.
This was the first time he stormed out. The first time he didn't apologize. The first time he regretted loving me.
This is all my fault. I crossed the line. I pushed him. This is all my fault.
I was in shock. I just stared at the wall, mouth open, twitching, as silent tears flowed down my cheeks.
-•-
"What do you mean he's gone?" I asked Nurse Ash, unable to keep the obvious fear out of my voice.
"Damian has been transferred to a different hospital." She said softly. "He asked me not to tell you anything else."
I fell down into the chair behind me in shock. I was worried when I woke up this morning to find the room void of all his belongings. But I didn't expect him to abandon me like this.
Is this because of our fight? It's been three days since. He had ignored me throughout those three days.
"I'm sorry Virgil." Nurse Ash said softly. "At least your only here for a few more days. Than you'll be home."
I didn't respond. I just stared at the ground. I didn't know how to process this. I felt numb again.
I hate being numb.
Why'd he leave?
Was it something I did?
He hates me now.
I hurt him.
This is all my fault.