“Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce to you… the amazing…” Randy Jackson shouted as he introduced the next performance, “my dawg, Phil Phillips!”’
Her mind went blank. Did Randy just say his name? Her whole body froze; she didn’t even notice the camera panning through her row.
The gigantic curtains flung open… then drums suddenly started beating everywhere as if to intentionally portray how loud her heart was thumping.
And there he was… with his signature acoustic guitar and deep, heavy stares. Her jaw dropped instantly at the sight of him. He looked like a god. The lights hit his body perfectly. Her heart raced even faster.
She was far away so she couldn’t see him as clearly as she wanted to, but she felt her eyes transform into binoculars. She was trying – desperately trying – to look at the features of his face. He looked more mature; it was obvious, even from afar, that the structures of his face and body were now more defined. He looked like a man now, so far from his former cute, southern boy appeal. He was wearing a brown leather jacket that perfectly showcased his broad shoulders. She felt her knees weaken. She couldn’t help but smile when she saw his pants; he definitely got style advice because they weren’t baggy anymore. And leather shoes? He finally threw away his old brown Toms! She couldn’t take how fantastic he looked. He was looking fine. He was gorgeous. It wasn’t fair.
The sound of the drums faded away when he started to sing. His voice was so raspy yet it was still so pure. He definitely sounded better now and to think he already sounded amazing during Idol. After a verse of a capella, he started hitting his guitar like a drum. He sounded like he was playing a cajón. People were applauding like crazy. He was such an artist.
Then suddenly, it became a full production! He brought a whole orchestra. He put down his guitar and started moving around the stage. She observed him closely. He did not wiggle around like a confused worm anymore. His kidney was probably better, that’s good. She always found that shtick of his to be cute but he looked so much better without it. He looked very comfortable on that stage. She felt proud.
She felt her heart race even faster. She definitely liked him as an artist but she loved him more as a performer. She was trying so hard to remind herself that she hated him still but he had this strong, captivating presence on stage that made her feel like a giddy teenage girl, the same way she felt four years ago.
She closed her eyes to fully enjoy and take in the pure, southern rasp of his sexy, sexy voice…
- Flashback -
The tour was difficult to tolerate, especially with the tension between me and Phillip. My anger towards him grew and grew everyday but it became easier to fake as the days passed.
The most difficult time was the day after the finale when we had to do press rounds together. We rode in one car. During the interviews I could feel his eyes staring at me. I wanted to strangle him in front of the cameras and shout that I wasn’t falling for that stupid trick anymore but of course, I did not want to jeopardize my career. I already compromised it for him once, I will never do it again. Ever.
I was concerned about his health, sure, but I was also relieved that I got to do the press tour with Josh instead of him. It would be so awkward. I didn’t know how much I would be able to take being around him with all the hate I was feeling. All my interviews mentioned Phillip also, so… they obviously didn’t help in any way. But I was thrilled that I was able to keep my composure and look convincingly proud. Honestly, I was proud that he won. He deserved it. I wasn’t bitter or anything, I was just disappointed that I made it easier for him.
“Hey baby girl, what’s bothering you?” DeAndre asked, breaking my thoughts.
I looked at him and automatically rushed to embrace him. “Oh you know, Dre.” I said, digging my head on his shoulder. “It’s too difficult.”
“It’s your fault anyway, you put so much meaning into it,” he said, smirking. He wrapped his arms around me. “Look he’s not worth it, Jay. He’s already taken plus his squirming on stage bothers me.” He copies Phillip’s squirms.
“Shut up.” I said punching his arm. He’s right, Phillip is taken. But why did he have to make me fall for him?
The tour took so much of my energy. I was thankful for the hectic schedule because I started to think less and less of him and the finale. I just enjoyed the company of those who truly cared about me. I loved DeAndre, I’m so lucky I can tell him everything. Hollie and I are starting to get closer as well. And Colton, of course, that guy loves to interact with everyone.
I think people were starting to notice that I was avoiding Phillip. Hollie and Skylar asked if we had a misunderstanding and Josh even asked me if I was bitter. He admitted to me that he felt a little cheated but told me not to tell anyone. But I wasn’t feeling anything. I was numb.
Whenever Phillip tried to make conversation with me, Hannah would get in the way. Honestly, it pissed me off. She can have Phillip, I don’t really care. I’m too focused on planning how to revive my career after choosing a corny, mediocre pop single. So she can marry him right here, right now in front of me and I wouldn’t give a crap.
“Hey, Jess?” a voice greeted me.
It was Phillip. I was sure. I tried my best to sound as informal as possible. “Yeah?” I replied coolly.
He had the biggest grin on his face. ““Happy birthday!” he said, then gave me a hug. I hated it but I felt warm inside. He remembered my birthday. “I know it’s difficult to, you know, spend your birthday without your family but we’re here for you, you know that right?” he said looking concerned.
I needed Hannah. Where was she?
“Yes, thank you Phillip.” I managed to reply.
“I got you a gift. Hope you like it.” He showed me a guitar, smaller than the usual, and then gave it to me. “It’s customized.”
WHERE ARE YOU, HANNAH? DEANDRE?
I took the guitar from him and strummed it. I didn’t know how to play, but I appreciated his gesture. It had my favorite motto embedded at the top and his initials at the bottom. Why must he do this to me? My hate was starting to lessen. I was trying to get it back up to the level that it was in but it started dropping…dramatically… “But I don’t know how to play.” I said.
I had a difficult time composing that reply but I was glad I didn’t seem too enthusiastic. Good girl!
He told me he would teach me then gave me that warm smile I loved. This was getting difficult.
I suddenly remembered that Hannah had to go back home to continue her studies. WHY? She should have just stayed here and stopped us from interacting again. She already made that her life mission anyway.
I felt my heart beating fast, not because of anger but because of pure appreciation and excitement. Here he goes again with his efforts. Was he really that clueless? I couldn’t fall for this again. I was telling myself to just thank him and tell him I had to go talk to Dre, but something was stopping me. Lurking behind the hatred and anger that enveloped my heart was a feeling of longing. A longing for me and him to just go back to the way we were before. Before the finale. Before Hannah returned to the picture. Before going back to our own lives… before striving for different dreams.
“I’ll just say thank you, the guitar was cute anyway,” I thought to myself “then I will leave.” It was decided. When I opened my mouth, the complete opposite came out. I started talking about how much I loved the guitar and started to point out that he chose my favorite color, perfect size, my motto blah blah… I even gave him a hug! It was a disaster.
He seemed to like it though, that flirt.
He sat down beside me and started playing my guitar, he taught me how to play a Beyoncé song. He even learned the chords just for me. I couldn’t understand why he went through the hassle. First, he remembered my birthday. Second, he was thoughtful enough to buy me a present. Third, he learned a song just to teach it to me? STRIKE THREE, I’M OUT!
All of a sudden, my loathing vanished. I allowed myself to get lost in that moment. He put his arms around me when it was my turn to play and put his head so close to mine. He was smiling and laughing at my lack of guitar skills. It was too much to take. I knew it wasn’t right but I was strongly feeling the urge to kiss him. I wanted to so bad.
“Jessica, sing for me.” he said, looking directly at me.
I wanted to stare but my urge would just get stronger. I had to break it. I looked away. “Want do you want me to sing?” I asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.
“A song you would dedicate to me,” he answered.
What is he doing to me? I knew exactly what that song was. But will I sing it to him? I had to decide fast.
“Come on now. You did say I was your idol crush. Remember?” he said, then winked.
That was it. He got me again, silly little Jessica. He just knew the exact words to say, the exact actions to execute. He was a pro. What fight do I have? I don’t even remember the next words I said because I was deep down in my thoughts finally deciding to reveal the song that spoke about my feelings for him.
RING! RING! His phone rang. We both knew whatever moment we were sharing would end once he answered that call.
“I gotta take this, Jess.”
He has decided. I smiled because I expected him to say that. I really have to hand it to the girl, she had impeccable timing. Did she install a hidden camera or something?
I had to leave. I had to get away from him and be alone to bask in my stupidity. Once again. Oh Jessica, why must you have to be so dumb… It was such a cycle. I stayed in my bed the whole afternoon to think. After trying to figure out how to keep myself from getting hurt, I decided to just take it day by day with Phillip. From now on, I will never overanalyze his actions towards me. We are just friends.
We still had our moments during the tour because people seemed to like us together. But after each performance, DeAndre would make sure I was far away from him as possible. Phillip would try to talk to me but DeAndre made me promise to resist. I couldn’t. He and I would joke around and share laughs every moment we could. We would also spend some nights together just talking about everything. I would fall for him after every conversation but he also constantly broke my heart. I felt like I was standing in for Hannah, when he was lonely he would approach me but would always leave instantly when she checked up on him. He just saw me as someone that temporarily filled in the void Hannah left in his heart. Nothing more, nothing less.
I would keep telling myself to stop but he would always do something to get me to fall into the same cyclical trap of his.
I was so stupid… I wanted the tour to end…
-End of flashback-
The whole audience was up on their feet, clapping like crazy! His performance was a hit.
She got so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t catch the amazing ending of Phillip’s performance. She took a moment to compose herself then stood up and applauded but he already exited the stage.
The Grammys ended with her winning three awards. She was so excited! She now had 5 Grammys under her belt. She tweeted as soon as she could expressing her gratitude and excitement. Although she was happy, the awards she won were only second to what she was thinking about. All she could think about tonight was Phillip.
“So this is how hate and love feels like when mixed together.” she thought. It was nauseating. She was backstage, talking to the media and some of her friends and contacts in the music industry, but kept a close eye at the entrance. She wanted to see Phillip up close but she knew it was better if she did not. After all, her feelings were obviously unstable. She wanted to slap and hug him at the same time.
After the Idol tour, she drowned herself in her music to forget about her emotions for him. She became more focused than ever and even began writing songs. Her first album reached platinum in a week and received critical acclaim. Her second album even achieved higher than her first one. She was known internationally and even received multiple awards and recognitions from different parts of the world. These all happened in a span of four years! She had all the reasons to brag but her fame never really got into her head. She just had to seem unreachable for publicity. Her fans knew this and they understood completely. Oh, those little blujays.
Come to think of it, maybe her heartbreak over Phillip helped her reach this level of success. And if so, then she owed him for that.
She saw a small girl jumping up and down and waving her hands like crazy. When she heard her voice, it became clear… it was her good friend, Skylar Laine. And she was with Colton!
She headed for them excitedly but as she got closer she noticed another person behind Colton. She had a feeling it was Phillip but she wasn’t sure.
Yes, it was him. Now she could see him clearly, unlike a while ago. Her heart nearly stopped when he smiled shyly. Different emotions were rushing inside her, she had to look away.
She was not ready to talk to Phillip so she first started a conversation with Skylar and Colton. The three of them were pretty tight. They would meet up every once in a while to catch up when their schedules allowed them. They were big in their respective genres. She was proud of them. She always made it a point to refrain from talking about Phillip when they got together but now she had no choice.
Skylar and Colton were the sweetest. Whenever she achieved something, they would be the first ones to congratulate her. She formed a bond with them over the years, she was glad to have them around.
The press went crazy seeing Skylar and Colton together, they always tried to link them up, so they begged for an interview. They always found it funny so they obliged. She didn’t want them to leave because she knew she had to finally face Phillip but she couldn’t really say it out loud, could she?
She looked at Phillip. She sensed that the tables have turned. She was the one who stared at him and he was the one who couldn’t look back. She was laughing inside, look who’s doing better now? But as she lingered at him longer, she felt her hatred vanish again. The subtle curls of his hair, the shy look on his face, the built of his body, his style. She even saw him sweating a bit. Was this her impact on him?
She knew she was the one who had to start the conversation. “So…” she said.
“Hey. Lo-long time.” he said. Was he stuttering?
“I guess so. How long has it been?” she pretended to ask. Of course she knew.
“Uh about four years?” So, he remembered.
Her heart was racing. She didn’t know what to say, the two emotions were still fighting each other to see which prevailed. She had to end this conversation. “Right so I’ll see you around?” she said coldly, she was even surprised at her tone.
“Yeah sure, see you then.” he replied.
“Okay.”
She felt a little hurt that he made no effort to keep the conversation flowing. Why was she even feeling that way? He did not stay in touch after the tour. He never even asked for her number. This had to be expected from the man.
The press sighted her and Phillip talking and they kept shouting to allow them a photo but she was determined not to let that happen. She was about to decline when Phillip rushed beside her and said, “Let’s do it! Come on, for old time’s sake!” then he proceeded to the backdrop.
That user. She knew he agreed because it would be a great photo opportunity for his career. Of course he was going to play the press. This would create buzz. She wanted to walk out but that would be a bigger issue, so she followed him.
The media was going crazy. But she was happy that they were more focused on her than on Phillip. She was sure he was feeling out of place. At least she was doing what she initially wanted to do, shoving her success down his vocally talented throat.
Suddenly, she felt his hand on her back. She froze. It slowly slid lower and lower until it found its way to her waist. He pulled her closer to him. She definitely felt the sensation, her body felt weak. She used to love him doing this but at that moment she felt uncomfortable. She tried so hard to focus on the cameras and not get lost in her thoughts again.
She was just about ready to go to her car after the photo op when Phillip said the words that stopped her heart, “I miss you, Jess.”
He was doing it again; his tone and look gave it away. She had a weakness for Phillip, that’s why she allowed herself to get hurt repeatedly. But that ended four years ago. She knew better now. She was stronger and has taught herself how to resist this kind of temptation. She never wished for it to happen again but she wanted to be sure. And it did.
“I’m sure Phillip, I miss everyone too.”
“No, I miss you.” Phillip said, as if pissed that she didn’t get his message. “You.”
Colton and Skylar came back before she could respond. She was so thankful for their timing; she didn’t know what to reply to what he just told her. They spent ten minutes talking about a reunion they wanted to do with the rest of the contestants during their season. She did not want to go just because she did not want to be in one place with Phillip for a long period of time plus she had so many commitments. She gave so many excuses. But they insisted, even Phillip begged for her to go, so she hesitantly agreed.
“Wait I have a new number!” she shouted to Skylar and Colton after they left. She forgot to give it to them.
“You can probably just give it me?” Phillip asked, looking directly at her. “I never got your number before.”
“The hell I’m giving it to you, you bastard. You waited four years to ask that? I don’t think so!” she said angrily.
She was ready to say that if her conscience did not stop her. Everyone was watching her, getting angry will just ruin her image. “You’re right you never did ask for my number. You got a pen?” she asked, after drawing out the card of her manager.
He immediately took one out of his pocket and gave it to her. She wrote down her number at the back. She gave it to him.
“Call me.” She was stunned with what she said. “I mean, you know, about the reunion,” she said urgently. But she already saw him smiling. She felt her cheeks turn red. Why did she say that? She did not want him to call!
“Jess.” he said.
She had to leave while she could still resist him. Her defenses were starting to crumble again. She needed to leave right away.
“Jess.” Phillip said again. He could probably sense that she was about to leave. He reached for her hand. Her emotions ran high, she hated him so much but she wanted to hold his hand longer.
She let go. “I’m sorry Phillip, I have to go.” she said and headed directly to her car.
“To the hotel, Harold. I don’t think I’ll be going to any of the parties tonight,” she told her driver. She felt tears forming in her eyes but even if she was already alone she did not want to cry, she was better than that now.
Phillip won again. Four years worth of practice and she still couldn’t stop herself from feeling something. She wanted to slap herself for still being weak. Why did it have to be him?
She took out a piece of paper and started writing and writing, hoping that the heaviness in her heart would somehow be transferred onto that piece of paper. She was going to burn it after but as the paper filled; the words seemed to connect beautifully. She refused to think of this as a possible song, she did not want any of her songs to be connected to Phillip.
But who was she kidding; deep inside she knew all her songs were somehow inspired by him…