Another press tour in NYC for her new single. This was her least favorite part of the whole process. She’d rather go on USTREAM and talk to her fans but she obviously couldn’t. She was forbidden to because they said it would cheapen her brand. She had to seem unreachable, like a literal star. Right.
Briefing with her staff wasn’t until 8 but she was already up. It was just 6:30 and she had already finished a 30-minute run on her treadmill. She was now eating cereal and reading fan mail. She absolutely adored fan mail; those letters were always the highlight of her success.
They used to mostly be about American Idol but as her career progressed the Idol shadow that was lurking behind faded and faded away. She didn’t mind being attached to the show, but it was good that people were noticing her for who she was as an artist. She tried to sign every poster and reply to every letter she could in a span of 30 minutes then she prepared for her meeting.
“Actually the itinerary is the usual: Today Show, MTV, Us Weekly, etc.” her manager, Kendall, discussed. “But Jessica, whatever happens you have to talk about your single as much as possible. I know we expect it to debut at number two but we have to keep it there or higher for as long as we can. Okay?”
She was busy tweeting.
“Jessica! Are you listening?” Kendall reprimanded her. “Put down your phone for a while, will you? This is important.”
“Yes I got it. Don’t worry, Kenny, I promise to talk about the single.” she replied. She pretended to listen during the rest of the meeting but all she was actually doing was reading her mentions and retweeting cool photos her fans were posting.
As she was scrolling down she read one tweet: @blujaynw_4vr: “@JSanchezOfficial, I see you w/@coltondixon @Brackensick @Skylar_Laine & the others but whatever happened to @phillips?”
Actually, she wondered the same thing. He soared with his first single then suddenly disappeared. She looked at his twitter page but it wasn’t updated. Typical Phillip. His fans even used to tweet her before to ask for latest updates. She had none now.
Whatever happened to him? He seemed like a stranger now…
-Flashback-
♪ ♫ “Lord, she’s still too young to treat…” ♪ ♫ Phillip sang during one of his Top 4 performances.
We were getting close. Elise and Heejun were gone and so were DeAndre and Colton. Josh and Hollie were practically inseparable so we had no choice but to be with each other. It wasn’t that awkward anymore. Actually, I loved, and even preferred, being around him. I absolutely loved his jokes. It took me a while to fully understand his humor, but now he never fails to crack me up. But what I appreciate most is his efforts to make me feel at ease during my most difficult times. He would be there whenever the pressures of the competition would get to me. It was the simplest gestures that showed me he cared: little hugs and winks when I felt down, staying up late to listen to my stories, waking up early to make me breakfast, making sure I drink my ginger tea. He was my big brother here. But he was starting to become more than that…
His stares were getting deeper, his proximity was getting closer, his smiles were getting sweeter, the impact of his presence was getting stronger…
♪ ♫ “What I mean to you is not what you mean to me…” ♪ ♫ Phillip continued singing.
I knew what the song meant but his emotion when he sang it felt otherwise. It was odd, he was always right on the pocket in terms of lyrical meaning. Why was he singing it like he meant the complete opposite? And why did it feel like he was singing it to me?
He looked directly at me after his performance and I knew there was something wrong. I didn’t understand it. When he went backstage, I hugged him and asked why he looked sad. He just smiled weakly and said, “I’m fine.” He ignored me the whole night after that brief conversation.
What did I do?
During Top 3 results, I prayed for my elimination. I wanted to win, of course, but this thing with Phillip was getting too much. I was so confused; I didn’t know what I was feeling anymore. I think I was denying the obvious because I could not dare admit the truth. It will be too complicated. He had Hannah. And I had… my age.
I was the first one called to be part of the finale.
I hope the audience saw my reaction as a look of shock and excitement because of my possible fate and not panic and alarm.
I prayed for his elimination next, I know it was wrong, but it would really be difficult to be in the finale with him. Please let it be Joshua, please let it be Josh…
“PHILLIP PHILLIPS!” Ryan called out.
My heart sank. It was final. The finale was going to be me and him. The two of us. Alone. For a week.
We were too busy rehearsing but in between breaks he acted naturally around me again, just like how he used to be. He would try to sit with me as much as possible and create conversation. He was making it very difficult to avoid him. The interviews didn’t help, too. Why was it so hard? I just wanted to know if he was as confused as I was but I didn’t want to be blunt about it. It was too risky. My mind was exploding.
I finally acknowledged my growing feelings for him. I did not want to ask the question “what if” in the future but I also did not want to ruin whatever we had now. I decided to dedicate my finale song to him, hopefully he’d be able to read between the lines.
I checked the list of songs and just went with my heart. I really hope he gets my message. Here we go…
(Play http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJLI6h9UPSo - make sure you finish song first before reading the next paragraphs)
I was thinking of Phillip the whole time and it felt right. I actually forgot that I was in a competition. I was just slapped back to reality when I realized the song FAILED MISERABLY. My song was ripped apart by the judges. They hated it. They said the song did not suit my style at all. And I got where they were coming from, it was true. I couldn’t believe I didn’t even consider that. And I didn’t even notice until they mentioned it. What have I done?
I felt horrible. But if Phillip got my message I guess it's good enough for me. At least he now knew how I felt. He sang “Home” for his finale song and it flew to the highest heavens. I was so proud of him but at the same time, I hoped he chose it the way I chose mine. A dedication. To me.
That night I already knew who was going to win. It was pretty obvious. And when it was made official, I was just so proud I couldn’t resist wrapping my arms around him. He sang his amazing song again but he did not finish it. He headed to his side of the crowd crying and publicly kissed Hannah… hard.
It was such a triumphant moment for most but it broke my heart. It broke me. I realized that I compromised the dream I’ve worked for since I was 2 for a possible romance that had no assurance —- or was impossible to happen. I was so stupid. He seemed so happy holding his trophy and his girlfriend while I was here, the last loser of the season trying to fake a smile holding nothing. Holding no one.
Wow. He even bothered to look at me after kissing her. What, to rub it in? I’m sure he knew what was happening between us. He was the one who started it anyway, he didn’t have to act that way around me. But he did. He was never that way to the other girl contestants. I’m sure he knew I was falling for him. I was so stupid for thinking he was feeling the same.
I couldn’t help but think that he planned this all along. He played me, he made me like him for me to lose focus. Heck, I even chose a cheesy pop song because I thought the lyrics fit what we had. I deserved this loss. I knew it wasn’t about losing the Idol title that made me snap, it was me… I allowed myself to take for granted the opportunity given to me because of one boy. I worked hard all my life for this one shot but I sabotaged my career for what? Love? And I can’t even call it that!
I sure as hell wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me destroyed. I looked at him directly and tried to show him the most genuine smile I could manage. I knew it wasn’t much but at least he knew I was okay, not defeated.
I had to leave… I was losing my mind… I just lost my dream… I just lost that boy… I never really had him but… what we had… what I thought we had…
-End of Flashback-
BAM! A very loud knocking sound brought her back to the present. She scanned the room to check if anyone noticed her zoning out. No one. Good.
She couldn’t help but wonder why she still remembered those moments so vividly. It has been four years. She laughed at the memory, she knew that night was one of the most difficult times to endure but she somehow couldn’t remember how it felt. Sure, she could describe it in words but the exact feeling, that heavy, pressing feeling in the heart? That, she had totally forgotten. Success probably numbed that part of her life. She had no more ill feelings.
“Oh my god, the results of the charts are here!” Robert, her music mentor, informed everyone in the room excitedly. “Are you guys ready?”
There was silence in the room. Kendall was the one who checked.
“AND WE AGAIN DEBUT AT NUMBER ONE, PEOPLE!”
A mixture of loud screaming, applause, laughter and the word “congratulations” suddenly filled the room. It was a good moment. It was her fifth number one debut. She had the best supporters in the world! She just wanted to reach out to each and every one of them and give them each a hug. She was just about to tweet when Robert read the top 5 singles…
“Top one is you of course, Jay, my love. The second one is “Take Me Now” by Calvin Harris. Third is “Throw Yourself” by Kelly Clarkson, fourth goes to “What Happens To Us Now” by Gotye and the fifth one is a shocker… “To The Moon and Back” by… Phillip Phillips.”
She froze. Her heart automatically dropped down to her stomach. Hard. Hearing his name said out loud broke all her defenses emotionally. And just like that, the memory she laughed at a few minutes ago didn’t seem so funny anymore. And the emotions she thought she numbed down came rushing back like a big, strong, monstrous wave.
Phillip Phillips. She clenched her fists. She wanted to tear him apart. She wanted to shove her fame down his throat.
___
*Please proceed to Chapter 3.b (there is no Jessica POV for Chapter 2). Thanks.