~
Billie
~
I roll my eyes when I have to decline yet another call from Alexis, but for some reason I can't bring myself to actually block her number.
She's been calling and texting me constantly since I drove off yesterday without her, which I only feel a little bit bad about. I've also been getting none stop calls from my manager about how to damage control after all the articles that dropped about me yesterday. He's pissed that the paps invaded me and Lexi's privacy like that, but he also thinks I shouldn't have talked to them the way I did because they're so good at making me look like the bad guy.
I'll probably just rant about it on instagram, anyone decent will take my side when they hear about what really went down. Surrounding someone and hounding them with questions while they're trying to calm down someone having a PTSD episode? Fuck outta here.
The only thing I don't know how I'll deal with is all the dating rumors swirling about me and "the mystery girl" now. But they'll die out pretty quickly if I'm not seen with Lexi again, which I won't be.
Screw her.
"Why do you keep ignoring Alexis?" a voice asks and I jump slightly then turn my head to see Finneas hovering behind me with a bowl of cereal in his hand.
"Christ, how long have you been there?" I ask and he shrugs.
"Dunno, I kinda zoned out," he says and walks around the couch to sit next to me with a yawn. "Answer my question. You declined her last night too."
"I don't wanna talk about it. Also that's a little creepy that you're keeping track," I mumble and he gives me a look. "It's complicated." Another look. I groan in frustration and give in, "I found out she's involved in bad shit again."
Fin frowns, his eyebrows lacing together in worry and what looks like a bit of confusion. "Same bad shit as last time?"
"I don't know all the details, I just know drugs are involved. And she got in a bad fight," I answer and his worry clearly deepens.
"I hope she's okay," he says sadly and reaches into his pocket while still holding his cereal with his other hand. "I should call her." That wasn't the reaction I was expecting.
"Fuck her," I mutter and he stops his movements.
"What?"
"Fuck her. She lied to me," I say with a scoff.
"Billie, you said yourself you don't know all the details," he reminds me and I roll my eyes again.
"I know enough," I reply stubbornly, even though my harshness doesn't truly reflect the conflicting thoughts that are swirling around in my brain.
I know it's only a matter of time before I talk to her again, but right now I'm just too upset to give her the time of day. I know it's dramatic, but I just feel as if the last month I've spent with her has been a lie.
"Billie," he says softly, urging me to look at him. "If she's caught up in bad shit again we should be helping her, not shunning her."
The instant the words leave his mouth I know he's right, but the hardheaded part of me is still too upset to think about talking to Lexi right now. After everything we went through together, she still felt the need to lie to me, and that shit hurts.
"It's not our job to fix her," I grumble and cross my arms.
"You're right, but we should be there to help her fix herself," he says and puts his bowl down. "Do what you want, Bil, but I care about Alexis and I want to do what I can to help her out of whatever shit she's in."
With that, he stands up from the couch, and I watch as he walks over to the front door to grab his car keys and slip some sneakers on, not bothering to take the time to change out of the sweats and t-shirt he slept in. He opens the door and steps out, and just as he's about to shut it behind him I groan and get up from the couch.
"Hold up, I'm coming too," I say with a sigh and I see a proud smile tugging at his lips as he watches me walk over and put my shoes on.
We drive to Lexi's apartment together, and I bounce my knee up and down anxiously the whole time. I'm not exactly sure what Fin expects to accomplish on this mission, he hasn't really said much the whole drive, and for some reason I'm really nervous.
What if there's nothing we can do to help because it's more serious than I know? Or worse, because she refuses to accept any help.
When we get to her door I knock loudly and hear Arya start to bark, followed by some lazy footsteps.
The door swings open to reveal an exhausted looking Lexi, with messy hair and dark circles under her eyes. Despite how tired she looks, her eyes light up when she sees me.
"You're here," she says happily, but her eyebrows furrow together when I just keep staring at her blankly. "And you're mad."
"Fucking duh I'm mad," I snap and Finneas pushes me aside.
"Be nice," he scolds then wraps Lexi up in a hug while I watch, unimpressed. I guess this is gonna be a 'good cop, bad cop' type of thing, and I'm definitely taking the roll of bad cop.
"Not that I'm not happy you're here, but why are you guys here?" she asks when the hug breaks, stepping aside to let us in.
I look around her apartment, my nose scrunching at the stench of weed. It's not new, but it definitely bothers me more now than it did before.
"Billie told me you're involved in some shit again," Finneas says and I see Lexi tense up. "We want to help you."
"I don't need help," she insists, just like I expected she would. "I appreciate the thought but I'm fine, okay? I just got a little roughed up by some asshole. But I'm okay."
"But why'd you get roughed up?" he asks and I see her eyes flick away from Fin's anxiously. "Lex."
"She's dealing again," I answer for her when she doesn't reply, and even though I was almost positive I was right, it still hurts when she doesn't try to deny it. I didn't want to be right. It could've been some one time issue, but of course that isn't the case.
"Is that true?" Finneas asks softly and Lexi reluctantly nods. "For who?"
"No one, it's on my own terms," she mumbles and I scoff.
"That's worse," I cut in and she glances at me then looks down. "You're willinginfly fucking up your own life after all the shit you've already been through? And for what?" I ask bitterly, growing frustrated with her quickly.
"I need the money," she explains. "I can't pay for tuition or rent."
"There are other ways to make money," I reply and she rolls her eyes.
"Yeah, because everyone wants to hire someone on probation for drug crimes," she replies bitterly. "I'd need to work, like, at least four minimum wage jobs to earn enough to cover tuition and rent, but then I wouldn't have time to go to school. You think I picked this because it's fun or some shit? No. I just don't have a fucking choice. Not everyone can make millions like you guys."
My hard stare softens a little bit, because I definitely feel for her, but I still can't shake the feeling of betrayal I've been feeling since yesterday. I hate that she didn't think she could tell me that she's struggling so much, although I guess it makes sense that she was scared. After all, I dropped her almost the second I found out she was getting into shit again.
"You could've asked us for help," Finneas says and I nod.
"I'm not taking your money," Lexi replies instantly and shakes her head rapidly.
"We could get you a job or something. You know, at the label. Or on the tour. We can offer more than just cash handouts," I say and that perks her up a little bit.
"Yeah, you could land a job easy if Chris heard what you can do with a launch pad," Finneas chimes in. "It'd be better than minimum wage, and it'd help with your transcript."
Lexi's quiet for a moment, and I can easily tell what she's thinking. She doesn't think she deserves the shot, I know her well enough to know that. She never understands what she deserves, and I fucking hate it. Eventually she looks over at me, her still healing bottom lip pulled between her teeth.
"You really think I could get the job?"
"I can guarantee it," I answer with a nod. "On one condition though."
"What's that?" she asks, but the answer is obvious.
"Not until we know you're done dealing," I reply and Finneas nods in agreement. "We want to see you get rid of everything you have."
My eyes flick down to her hands, and I watch as she anxiously fiddles with her fingers.
"I..." she trails off and scratches the back of her neck. "I have a partner, I can't just get rid of everything like that," she says and we both give her looks.
"You said it's in your own terms," Finneas reminds her and she's silent for another moment before her shoulders slump.
"I'll be broke if I stop," she whispers and my heart clenches again when I hear just how defeated she sounds. "Like, I already am, but I'll be even more fucked. This is my only decent source of income. And I lost a shit ton of money the other night, so I'm really in a hole."
"We can lend you money and you can start paying us back as soon as you start getting paychecks," Finneas suggests and Lexi immediately shakes her head.
"I can't do that."
"Please do," I practically beg and she glances at me, clearly hearing the desperation in my voice. "I can't watch you destroy your life like this, Lexi."
It's funny that ever since I blew up I've had to cut out people from my life who were only after money, and now I have to beg someone to take money from me. I guess that's what always drew me to Lexi, I've never had to question why she actually wants to be in my life.
She stares at me for a while before she seems to make a decision.
"Okay, I'll get rid of it," she caves and I share a happy look with Fin. "But I won't borrow money from you. I'll just...I don't know what I'll do. I'll figure it out."
"Where is it? We'll help," I ask and look around the room we're in, wondering where she could be hiding her stash.
"It's, uh, all in a storage locker outta town," she says and I look at her to find her avoiding our gazes again. "Can I do it alone? I don't want you guys to see this shit or be involved in any way."
"No," I say instantly and cross my arms stubbornly. "I won't believe you until I see you get rid of it with my own eyes."
I can see the heartbreak in her eyes when I say that. Clearly my lack of faith in her hurts her a lot, but it's her fault it's lacking. I want to trust her, I really do, but she hasn't given me a reason to at this point. She lied to me with such ease yesterday, thinking about it makes my stomach twist. What else has she lied about? What else will she lie about?
"Fair enough," she mumbles and hangs her head as she walks into the kitchen. "We going now?"
"Yup," I reply and watch her as she bends down to open a cabinet, taking some trash bags out of it.
"I'm proud of you, Lex," Finneas says and I see her lips twitch into a faint smile when she stands up and walks over to us again, grabbing her set of keys from by the door as she does.
We follow her out of her apartment and down the stairs to her car, and I don't say anything as we drive to fuck knows where. Finneas talks the whole ride about how excited he is for Lexi to get a job at the label, because then they can see each other more.
I sit silently in the back seat, having trouble being as excited as him. While I'm glad Lexi's taking this step, beyond glad at that, I still feel like our relationship has hit a road block. I just don't trust her enough right now to keep moving in the direction we were before, and that hurts me beyond words. I was finally starting to let my walls down for her, but now they're back up and even higher than before.
Eventually we pull into some lot of storage units that looks sketchy as hell. If you think about any movie where a drug deal or something goes down by the docks, you're probably picturing where we are right now.
"Could you be more of a cliche?" Finneas teases as he gets out of the car and Lexi lets out a little chuckle of amusement as she does the same.
I don't know how he manages to be so calm about all this shit.
"Do you guys really have to come in with me?" Lexi asks with a frown and we both nod. "Fuck, fine," she grumbles and leads us to her storage unit while she fiddles with the keys in her hand anxiously.
She stops walking when she reaches one and looks around nervously for a moment before unlocking it and pulling the door up from the ground. My jaw drops slightly when I'm greeted by red lights and an insane amount of marijuana plants, as well a desk covered in a bunch of scientific looking shit that I quickly realize are being used to make some other drug.
"What the fuck," I say out loud and Lexi avoids looking at me, clearly ashamed. "What the fuck," I repeat and share a look with Finneas, who finally looks as shocked as he should.
"It's not as bad as it looks," she mumbles and trudges inside, her head hanging slightly. "If I had a card half of this would be totally legal."
"What were you making?" Finneas asks as he pokes one of the things on the work surface, his eyebrows scrunched together.
"Ecstasy," she replies and his eyebrows raise while he suddenly pulls his hand back.
"How do you know how to make ecstasy?" I ask and she shrugs slightly.
"Told you I aced AP chem," she says casually and starts opening one of the trash bags but then stops and hangs her hands by her sides defeatedly. "Fuck, I feel like I'm throwing away my rent," she mutters and I finally decide to cut her some slack as I walk over to stand next to her.
"This is the right thing to do, Lex," I say and rest my hand on her back reassuringly. She glances at me and I give her a slight smile. "I'm proud of you."
She's silent for a moment, and I frown when I see tears welling up in her eyes. "I hate that you guys are seeing this side of me," she says quietly and glances back at Fin. "You shouldn't have to deal with all my shit."
"Hey, part of loving someone is dealing with their shit."
As soon as the words leave my mouth, she instantly perks up, giving me a surprised look. I realize what I said, and my heart races for a second, but I don't let myself overthink it.
"Don't look so surprised, you know I love you," I whisper and she shakes her head slightly.
"I didn't know," she whispers back and I feel a pang if guilt in my chest, because all this time she's been showing me all of her love and I've made her think it's not reciprocated. I guess I can't expect her to read my mind.
We stare into each other's eyes silently for a few beats before she blinks and looks away, shaking her head slightly.
"Let's get rid of this shit before we have this conversation," she suggests and I nod in agreement, taking one of the trash bags from her.
Finneas takes one too after sharing a look with me, obviously having heard all of that, and the three of us work together to clean out the storage unit, leaving nothing except the work surfaces behind. From there, we drive to the city dump and toss it all away, which clearly is hard for Lexi to do considering how much money she could've made off of everything we threw out.
She drives me and Fin home after that, but I decide to stay with her for the night instead. She gives Finneas a long, tight hug when she drops him off, and I watch on with a small smile as he tells her how proud he is of her for taking such a big step in the right direction, and makes sure she knows he's always there if she needs anything.
Everyone needs a Finneas in their life.
The drive back to Lexi's apartment is silent apart from the music playing softly through the speakers, and I feel her stealing looks at me every few blocks. I do the same to her.
"Is Darius home?" I ask as we walk into her apartment and she shakes her head.
"Nah, he's at some girls house," she replies and bends down to greet Arya when the excited husky bounds over. "You want anything to drink or eat?"
"I'm good," I reply and slump down onto the couch, which prompts Lexi to leave Arya alone and sit down beside me.
We sit in a silence for a second, while Lexi taps her fingers on her knees nervously.
"So..." she eventually breaks the silence and we both turn our heads to look at each other. "You love me."
I bite my lip shyly and resist the urge to break our gaze. "I don't think I ever stopped."
She smiles at that, really smiles, and it makes my heart warm because I haven't really seen that as much as I used to. It falters after another beat of silence and she looks down at her hands.
"But you still don't want to jump into it with me," she says quietly, reading my mind.
"I was getting there, but after all this..." I trail off and sigh. "I'm still scared."
"I get it," she says and looks at me again. "I'll still wait for you, Bil. I'll prove that we can have what we had before. You know, minus all the shit," she says and I frown slightly.
"Just focus on getting this job and shit before you focus on us, yeah?"
Her head hangs and she lets out a quiet, "Right."
I cup her cheek and tilt her head up to make her look at me, finding so much sadness swirling around in her grey eyes. I usually love looking into her eyes because even though they're the color of cold stone, they're typically full of warmth and kindness. The kind of eyes that you look into and instantly feel safe and loved. But right now, they're just sad and drained.
"We'll get there," I whisper reassuringly and rest my forehead against hers. "Just remember that I love you."
She lets out a shaky breath, and I can feel her body relax at my words, as if she'd been tensed.
"I love you too."
A/N
WHO MISSED THOSE I LOVE YOU ENDINGS I KNOW I DID
questions? comments? predictions? requests?
thanks for the response on the last chapter i honestly wasn't expecting so many people to stick around after the wait and i was scared y'all wouldn't like it and IDK MAN IM INSECURE
hope you guys enjoy this chapter too i'm in two minds about it but i always question my writing so lemme not overthink it