(A/N) I keep getting random ass epiphanies, and I know y'all ain't complaining so 🤷🏻♀️
***
Emptiness.
I can't feel it within me, I don't feel much of anything these days. It's as though, I'm a shell of nothing to give back to the world. There was a time when I had so much within me; love, light and most of all, myself.
But right now, I don't even know who I am. I can't even remember what it felt like to be me. When I smile, I can no longer feel that smile from deep within. It's as though sometimes, my lips just curve upwards because my body assumes that, that is just the necessary reaction to a certain action.
My reaction doesn't reflect what I feel on the inside.
Because the storm inside me has become so calm that it doesn't rage again, and no one ever seems to notice. And that's fine, it's no one's duty to.
That scares me, the inability to feel things - to love, to laugh, to feel happy. To truly feel all these emotions in a way that I used to, back before the world tainted me.
I've lost my soul, and I'm scared that I'll never find it again.
And I don't know how to cope anymore.
Maybe this is just a phase in my life and I'll feel 'okay' again. Or so I hope.
I've dealt with way worse, and I can deal with even more.
But...but how can I lose such a huge part of me and not feel broken? How can I feel love again, when I don't even feel anything?
That's what scares me.
Camila had to watch her father walk out of her life at a tender age. She had to watch the only man who would truly love her leave her. He didn't want to go, but he had hurt his family enough.
He left his wife wondering whether she was good enough. What she could've done better so that he wouldn't have done what he did.
He left his daughter wondering if it was her, if she was the reason why her father was no longer around.
That's the thing about cheating, it feels good in the moment. That rush of adrenaline and excitement. But when it's all over, you have to sit and live with that guilt. When your person finds out what you did, you have to live with the knowledge that you broke someone's trust.
You broke someone's heart.
That you broke someone.
And it's highly unlikely that things would go back to the way it used to be.
I know how difficult it is, to keep experiencing things that have the power to break you to such an extent where you can literally feel the pain in your bones. But you still tell everyone that you can deal with it, even though you're struggling to hold it together.
I know how hard it is to continue being strong, despite it all.
I know what it's like to have your heart broken time and time again by the one person who promised to love you despite it all.
Sometimes all you need is a time out. To cry until your heart feels just a bit lighter. It doesn't make you look weak.
Can't you see?
It's not your strength that helps you heal, but rather the softness of your soul every single time. You're a warm hearted person, which means that you hurt a lot more than others. You feel a lot more. You care a lot more.
You need to stop telling people that you're fine even when you're not, because sometimes the pain will take a toll on you.
Cry if you must.
Accept the pain, the hurt and the regret that comes along with it.
Because I know just how hard it is to keep smiling through the pain, especially when all you want is a shoulder to rest your head on, and an arm to hold.
***
Years passed and Camila didn't stay in contact with her father. He did try to see her, but everytime he would come by, Camila would try her best to avoid him. It's not to say that she didn't want to see him, she really did, but she was blinded by the hurt. Eventually, the phone calls, the random visits at her school, the post cards stopped.
That had stung a lot more than Camila expected. Even though she would ignore his calls, and she wouldn't open his letters, she still appreciated the gesture, and maybe one day, she would've been able to push the hurt away and be able to speak to him. But the fact that he stopped trying, sent a clear enough message to her.
"Mija," there was a knock on her bedroom door. Camila looked up from her laptop and saw her mother, she had a sad smile on her face as she entered her daughter's bedroom. "Hey, what are you doing?"
Camila shut her laptop and shrugged. "Nothing really. I just got done with my homework. What's wrong?"
Sinu sat on her daughter's bed and patted a space next to her. Camila was a bit sceptical as to why her mother was there in the first place. They had a good relationship, but something just seemed off with her mother.
"I know this isn't something you want to discuss..." Sinu sighed. She took one of her daughter's hands in hers. "It's your father."
Camila looked at her with confusion etched on her face. Sure, her mother had mentioned her father every now and then, but the way she was looking right now? It had to have been something serious. "What about him?"
"He's in the hospital. The doctors said, that it doesn't look good for him," Sinu paused trying to gauge Camila's reaction but her face was neutral. "He wants to see you."
"Did he say that himself or are you just trying to get me to visit him?" Camila pulled her hand away from her mother. Time and time again, Sinu would try to persuade her daughter into visiting her father. Though, things had ended badly between the former lovers, he was still Camila's father and Sinu wanted them to have some form of relationship.
She always knew how much Alejandro had meant to her.
"Camila..." Sinu sighed. "Your father is dying. Please, just please visit him. Even if its just once. You don't have to say anything to him. Just..."
"Just what, mami?!" Camila stood, and started pacing. "What? I'm just supposed to forgive him after everything and go visit him because what? Because he's dying!?" She asked angrily.
Sinu stood and took her daughter into her arms. She knew the topic of her father would've been a hard one. Even if she didn't say it, hearing of her father's condition did break Camila's heart.
Despite everything, she still loved him.
"What about when I needed him?" Camila tried to fight the tears. She gripped onto her mother's shirt tightly. "What about when I needed him, mami? He wasn't...he wasn't there."
"He loves you." Sinu told Camila, and when those words left her mouth, the tears began. Maybe a part of Camila knew that her father loved her, but his feelings and actions didn't match up. "I know you might not think that, but you have always been your father's heart. He loves you, dearly. Just please consider it."
Camila pulled away and wiped at her eyes. "I...I can't."
***
Lauren London said "Grief is the final act of love." And I've always known that you can't have love without pain and you can't be pained without love being there.
Loving is an overall agreement that one day, there's going to be hurt, and you accept that because you love.
There was a knock on Camila's bedroom door, her mother opened it, and saw her sitting on her bed, staring at nothing in particular. Camila turned her head and locked eyes with her mother, and that was enough to tell her what she had been anticipating for the past few days after hearing about her father's condition.
Sinu didn't say anything, but she knew that Camila had understood. She shut the door on her way out, knowing that Camila would need time herself.
To grieve on her own terms.
The thing what had hurt Camila the most was that she knew it was coming, but for the life of her, she couldn't push the hurt away. How could she? How could she push years and years of hurt away just for one minute?
It's a lot harder than you would think.
Camila hadn't slept that day. She didn't want to close her eyes because she was scared of seeing him in her dreams. She didn't want to be reminded of the man who broke her heart.
The man who she loved.
"Mila," Dinah said sadly once she saw her best friend curled up on the floor. Her cheeks were tear stained, her eyes were puffy from crying the entire night. Her appearance was disheveled, but saddening. Dinah sat next to her best friend and pulled her into her arms. "I'm here, I'm here." She repeated into Camila's ears as she held her.
"He's...he's really gone, Dinah..." Camila said softly. "He's gone."
I've never understood how a father could hurt their child. The one he helped to create. I've always wondered what was running through their minds when you decide to leave your child behind.
It's going to be tough. He'll leave without an explanation but you'll get through it. You'll miss the relationship you never had.
You'll miss the fatherly advice and the dad jokes. You'll miss it all, even if you never got a chance to experience them.
You'll miss out on the love a father gives to his child. On the best friend that cares and would never leave you no matter what.
I believe that everything does happen for a reason though. Parties, birthdays, deaths, good or bad grades, missed opportunities, mistakes, rejection. Everything happens for a reason and most times, we have absolutely no clue as to what that reason is.
We don't know why we got rejected or why we got that bad grade when we did everything in our power not to.
It doesn't make sense because we don't know why.
As people, we're so invested in the loss, that we don't realise the gain out of the situations. At times, 'bad things' may happen to us because there's a possibility that there's something 'better' in store for us.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Dinah asked her friend softly. Camila sniffled and pulled away from the embrace.
"I don't know how to f-feel," Camila wiped at her eyes. No matter how hard she tried to stop the tears from falling, they always managed to break free. "I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm empty. I'm just so confused."
Dinah nodded. She didn't know what to tell Camila. She had never experienced a loss like this before, so this was all new territory for her.
"Your feelings are justifiable, Mila," Camila laughed softly. "I'm being serious, I know he hurt you. I know how heartbroken you've been for the longest time. It's okay to feel what you're feeling." Dinah took hold of her friend's hand. "I know you've been beating yourself up for years about him. About what you could've done to make him love you, but it's not your responsibility to make someone care about you. You can't make someone love you."
Camila had spent nights laying in bed, crying herself to sleep; that's if she managed to even shut her eyes. She wasn't the same girl that everyone grew up knowing.
Life changes you.
Heartbreak isn't beautiful and depression isn't poetic.
It's long nights and dark thoughts. It's everything you'll never wish for. It's like there's a black cloud constantly hanging overhead. It's your worst enemy and your best friend.
It's like no matter how hard you try, it just won't leave you alone.
It makes your days turn into nights.
Depression is emptiness, and heartbreak is a constant ache in your chest. Depression is so much more than tablets and a few dark days, it's more than just shutting yourself away. Its darkness, it's hopelessness, it's helplessness, and I think that's the best way I can describe it.
Heartbreak is tough in it's own way. It's not easy to move on from someone who you loved so dearly, and it's not easy to stop yourself from crying.
It's pure torture, in a sense.
"I just wish...I just wish he loved me enough to stay." Camila admitted. "I just wish that I was enough for him."
Dinah smiled sadly at her friend. "You're more than enough, Mila. You're enough. You will always be enough. He just wasn't able to see it, but I do. I'm not your dad, and I know it doesn't mean the same thing coming from me, but you're enough for me. And I love you."
Heartbreak can still hurt two years down the line. It can hurt three or maybe four years later. Damn, maybe it can still hurt ten years from now, when you have a completely different life, different people and then you look back at what you're surrounded with and you remember who used to be there.
Then you wonder if there's still the slightest chance that they still think about you, and the memories too.
Even though Camila didn't want to, she found herself smiling at her friend's words. "You're the best, Dinah Jane." She pulled her friend into her arms, giving her a hug. "I don't know if I'm going to feel okay today, tomorrow, or weeks from now, but thank you...for trying. I appreciate it."
Dinah smiled. "You don't have to thank me for anything, that's what I'm here for. What kind of best friend would I be?"
I mean, no shade or anything, but some of us got some, quote unquote shitty ass best friends who are emotionally draining. Sigh.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Mila. No matter what, I'm going to be here for you, to reassure you that your feelings are one hundred percent valid."
***
"Hey, Mila."
Camila took her eyes off her phone and saw her sister; Rebecca just in case you losers forgot her name. "Hey, what are you doing here?"
Becky raised an eyebrow and took a seat next to her sister. "This is some greeting, I thought at least I was going to be welcomed in with a hug."
Camila laughed. She placed her phone into her pocket and pulled her sister in for a hug. "Correction, to what do I owe this wonderful surprise of having my beloved sister in my humble abode, as I was not expecting you here today."
"That's much better," Becky grinned. "Since exams are over and your tour is over, I just thought we should spend some time together. If that's cool with you?" She asked not sure if her sister had any plans. "No wait, I don't care what your answer is, you're hanging out with me. I haven't seen you in weeks."
Camila laughed. "You went years without meeting me, I think you can manage a couple more weeks."
"Nuh uh, that's not the same thing," the younger sister rolled her eyes. "You can spend years not knowing someone. And life can be so happy without that person, then you meet them and you can't imagine your life without them. That's how it is with me." Becky took hold of one of her sister's hands. "I swear, I never knew I needed a sister until the day I met you. You are undoubtedly one of the best things in my life."
Camila tried to hide her smile but unfortunately she was unable to do so. Their relationship had grown strong quickly and only got better with time. "If you're planning to make me emotional, it's working." She laughed and wiped at her eyes. "You're one of the best things in my life too, Beckster. I love you."
"I love you too, loser. Where's the wife and your demon daughter?"
"Hey!" Camila punched her sister playfully who laughed in response. "Didn't you say Izzy was an angel?"
Becky grinned. "I did. But she's an angel....from hell."
The woman rolled her eyes, paying no mind to her sister. She knew Becky loved Izzy, and vice versa.
"Lauren took a day off from work, so she decided to carry Izzy and her friend; Elena out for the day," Becky nodded. "What do you have planned for us to do? Since you wanted to hang out with me so badly?"
Her sister shrugged in response. "I honestly don't know. I just wanted to see you. I'm the epitome of boring, Mila. You're the fun popstar, you should be telling me."
"My idea of fun is laying on the couch, eating pringles and catching up on my shows," Camila laughed. "And I'm all about caught up with them. I'm thinking about starting Lucifer."
"Ooh, I love that show! Well only the fourth season because....Inbar Lavi," Becky fanned herself dramatically. "She's so fine. Stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. Can any woman on this earth compare to her? Probably Gal Gadot, Blake Lively and ugh Rihanna. Her forehead is huge, but more Rihanna to love."
"Woah, woah, slow down there cowboy," Camila snorted. "Your gay is showing."
"Who's to say I'm not gay," Becky winked playfully. "Well I'm not gay gay, I just like to admire women from afar. Is that so wrong?"
The singer patted her sister's hand. "Nothing is wrong with that, but if you want me to introduce you to Inbar, I think I can. The others, you'll have to lust from afar."
The two spent a few more minutes talking and catching up until Becky had an idea of what they should do.
"Do you want to go grab something to eat?"
Camila shrugged. "I could eat, yeah. Technically I can always eat, but I'm pretty hungry at the moment." She grabbed a jacket and headed out the door with her sister. They got into Becky's vehicle and went on their way. "Since when do you have a car? Wait, that's not even important, can you drive?"
"I can go forward, and reverse out of my garage," Becky shrugged, as she kept her eyes on the road. "Just don't ask me to parallel park, I'll honestly cry." She glanced off the road to look at her sister.
"Stop the car, I'll drive," Camila made a move to open the door.
Becky laughed loudly. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Not about parallel parking though. I literally can't do that. But I'm a pretty decent driver." She shrugged. "Mom bought me the car when I got accepted into Harvard. I'm shocked she trusts me enough to get me a car. She always breathing down my neck."
"Izzy isn't getting a car, like ever," Camila said. "I'm pretty sure she's more me than me, and if that says anything, she won't be able to drive and she'll kill herself." Becky laughed. "And let me tell you, I'm not popping out any more babies any time soon."
"Mhm," Becky had a slight smirk on her lips. "Izzy demands her baby brother; Chuck E Cheese, so I'm pretty sure there will be another kid."
Camila laughed. "She's not creative at all. Out of all the cool names to exist, why Chuck?"
"Why are you asking me? That's your kid."
"Its like someone looking at their baby and naming it Rebecca," Camila cringed jokingly. "Who does that?"
Her sister snorted. "The same people who named their kid, Camila. The name literally means 'young ceremonial attendant'. Like, what the fuck?"
"Okay 'servant of God'," Camila snorted. "You don't even live up to that title."
Becky laughed. They stopped at a red light, she turned to look at her sister. "Heavenly father, thank you for granting us life. I pray for strength to have to live in this family. Todas estas cosas te rogamos, oh Señor. En el nombre del Padre, y del Hijo y del Espíritu Santo. Amén." She made the sign of the cross, and stuck her tongue out once she was done.
Camila shook her head, laughing at her sister's 'prayer'. "Just because you say it in Spanish, doesn't make you seem any more religious."
"I beg to differ," Becky continued driving as the light turned green. "Have you ever heard someone pray in Spanish? Compare it to English, it sounds wayyy better. Thus, I'm religious and living up to my name. End of discussion."
She pulled up to some food trucks and the sisters got out of the car. They went and placed their orders. Becky insisted that she should pay, even though Camila didn't want her to. You know, being rich and all.
"There's just something so ghetto about eating from food trucks," Becky said as she took a seat in her trunk (?) Tailgate? Bruh, what do you call those things in an SUV where you put shit in? We're going to say trunk, because that's what we call it where I'm from. "But yet it's so peaceful. I love it."
Camila laughed as she took a seat next to her sister. There weren't much people where they were which made it chill, as she and her sister could relax and she didn't have to worry about fans coming up to her. Its not that she didn't want to interact with her fans, but she just wanted to spend some time with her sister.
"I like it, it reminds me of how papi used to carry me to this one food truck vendor back in Argentina, and I would always order something different because I wanted to try something new. You know, being adventurous and what not. He would always order Choripán and Lomito because he knew they were my faves. And he would always save back a piece for me." Camila sighed and stopped eating. Though she had gotten passed her hurt and anger towards her father, there was some sadness as she missed him, dearly.
Becky sensing it, she spoke up. "After work, when he was sober anyway," she laughed to lighten the mood, "he would sneak me off and carry me to buy ice cream. Mom wouldn't allow it," she rolled her eyes. "We would always order a different flavour each time we went because he said it would always good to be adventurous. Most of the time I hated them," she laughed as she remembered trying ice cream with her father. "But he would start telling me stories and I would be so distracted that I would find myself finishing the ice cream without even knowing."
Becky paused and looked at Camila, she had a sad smile on her face.
"I miss him, you know?" Becky told her sister. "Six years wasn't even enough time to spend with him. I can barely remember him, but yet I miss him so much."
Camila wrapped her free arm around her sister's shoulder. "He loved you, that much I know." Becky nodded and wiped at her eyes. "And I love you too, you know that right?"
A small smile found it's way on the girl's lips. "I'm aware but hearing it from time to time sounds nice."
Camila returned the smile. "I'm just so happy to have found you. And I'm sure dad is happy that we've found each other too."
"I hope so," Becky said. "You're really annoying and I think I deserve an award for putting up with you." Camila shoved her away and made a move to get up, but Becky was quick enough to grab her hand and stop her. "You're so sensitive." She teased her sister.
"And you're mean, give me back my sister bracelet and never speak to me again."
Her younger sister laughed and got out of the trunk. "Speaking of that, wait here. I have something for you." After rummaging through her glove compartment, Becky came back with a box in her hand. "I know it's not much, but when I saw it, I thought about you and I just knew I needed to get it for you."
She handed the box over to Camila. When she opened it, there was a necklace with a picture; a silhouette of two girls next to a tree.
"Its when we first met, remember?"
Camila ran her thumb over it and smiled. "In the park. Izzy has this tendency to run off when she sees puppies. I came over and spoke to you, something in me was telling me that I knew you, but I guess I was just too oblivious to see it."
Becky laughed. "You really were because we literally have the same face, except I'm just cuter." Her sister pulled her into her arms for the biggest hug. "You're kinda suffocating me." She laughed, causing her sister to slacken her grip.
"Dad may have been a lot of things," Camila said once they pulled away from their embrace. She looked at her sister with so much love and adoration in her eyes. "But without him, I wouldn't have gotten you. You're the good that came out of the bad. I love you so much."
"I love you too, Mila," Becky smiled at her sister. "We made it."
***
(A/N) Random but, would you rather know the day you're going to die, or how you're going to die? 🤔🧐